When a Man Pulls Away After Getting Close

[Alexa]

I have read various relationship advice articles that mentioned that women should expect a man to pull away after a close bonding session in order to recharge and that is a normal process. However, there is something confusing about these advice that a woman's job is not to accept poor behavior and to walk away.

So how do we know when a guy's "normal" hot and cold behavior has crossed over to being totally unacceptable and deserving of our walking away? Just trying to figure out where the balance is.

[Nicolas]

Hi Alexa,

In answer to your question...

In any from of relationship there is a natural cycle of being close together then pulling away to come back together.

Many people make the mistake of taking this natural flow, as there being something wrong in the relationship.

Both men and women go through this cycle.

However there is a big difference when it comes to bad behaviour and dis-respect... and at the bad end end of things... outright abuse!

With the men and women I work with I teach both sexes the warning signs (Red Flags) to look for when courting.

For instance... if I am courting a woman and she consistently turns up late and does not make the effort to inform me she is going to be late... is flaky, evasive and always making excesses... these are not good signs to me... and I would be unlikely to pursue building an intimate relationship with such a woman... if she acts and behaves this way when courting... what is she going to be like in a relationship?

Unfortunately many women let such things slide because they find the man cute... only to find out later on when they are emotionally committed to the man that he is lazy and never does the things he says he is going to do... and he constantly lie's.

And possibly worse.

It is not a great thing to say... yet the vast majority of women I have meet both personally and professionally have all suffered abuse in some way.... and some men too.

There are ways you can spot a toxic personality and courting is the place not only to get and meet people, it is also the place to weed out those people and walk away.

Saving yourself a lot of wasted time, pain and hurt later on.

It is a big myth women have that if they love a man enough they can change him.

Sorry that only happens in romance novels and Hollywood.

A man will ot change unless he wants to change... same goes for women too.

I have coached many abused and battered women over the years who got into a relationship with an abusive man.

And visa versa... there are abusive women too.

So that is why I say at the sign of any of any bad and abusive behaviour... walk away and save yourself a lot of pain, you will not change such a personality.

They need professional help.

And there are more fish in the sea.

So yes there is a clear distinction between the natural ebb and flow of a relationship... and abusive behaviour.

A good question.

[Olivia]

Why do men pull away in relationships? If you've had several relationships that haven't worked out, you may well have noticed a pattern. You get keen and he gets edgy. When the relationship reaches a certain point, somehow he seems to stop pursuing you and almost disappear completely from your life. At this point, you probably end up chasing him, usually trying to get to the bottom of what on earth is going on. When you finally catch up with him, you let him know exactly how hurt you feel. Your relationship is now hanging by a thread and you feel further apart than ever. It's a very frustrating and disappointing experience for a woman.

So why do men withdraw? Well, if you've read John Gray's famous book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", you will no doubt be aware that a man will regularly go into "his cave". This refers to his withdrawal response which is a normal part of the male experience. So get used to it! It relates to the hunter-protector instinct from way back in caveman days, when a man had to be prepared to cut off his emotions and prepare for "fight or flight" during hunting and other dangerous situations.

Men are solution orientated and often he will disappear when he has a problem to solve or he needs to work something out. That means that you shouldn't necessarily take it personally, so don't just assume that it's all about you. Often after you spend the most romantic loving time together, you think this closeness is going to last forever and you want more. Then suddenly, he's gone again, back to his work or to focus on whatever is his latest project.

However frustrating this is, you must accept his need for his own space and his own stuff. Don't allow this to become a negative aspect in your relationship and the cause of frustration and tension. If you do, you will lose him. Let him go cheerfully and be happy to see him when he comes back, and he will keep coming back. Often much of a man's effort is focussed towards providing for his loved ones, his relationship and the future. So this is actually a good thing and your appreciation of this will drive him on to even better things for you both.

Because of his need to focus on finding solutions, it is almost certain that at some point he will need space to figure things out in your relationship. A major reason for withdrawal is when he realises for the first time that you've started to think about a future together and he's not really considered it up to now.

Now is the time when it's really important to stay cool and not chase after him. If you do, he will see you as desperate to push him into something he's not sure he's ready for. He will feel trapped and start to look for a way out. Give him space to miss you, and reach his own decision, and the chances are he will work out that you are one cool lady and a great catch.

So now you know why men pull away in relationships. You also know that when he gets distant you don't chase after him. However hard it is, you must let him go and wait for him to come back. When he returns, it should be to a positive, happy experience and not to an outpouring of your feelings of abandonment. When you understand these principles, you will be able to keep your relationship together even through the times when he withdraws.

[Caleb]

Have you ever asked yourself why men pull away? You could be in a loving, committed relationship, things are going well, you are both happy, you might even be wondering if he's the one, and then for apparently no reason at all he pulls away. Given that everything was going so well you are likely to be confused and hurt, uncertain as to whether your relationship has any future. Hard as it may seem, there is every chance that your guy is confused as well. If you have a relationship worth fighting for then you have to be able to understand your man, what motivates him and what scares him.

I'll start of with the more pathetic reasons as to why men pull away. I should say that the following reasons by no means cover the majority of cases, but you do need to be aware of them.

The most basic is that he's not interested. It could be that all he wanted to do was have his wicked way with you and now he wants to drift on to his next conquest.

It could be the case that he has another girlfriend, or worse, but he's too much of a coward to tell you, so instead he pulls away and leaves you wondering what has happened.

And it could also be that he came to you on the rebound. he might have needed to prove to himself that he still has it, and having done so he is no longer interested in you.

It's possible that he doesn't feel compatible with you, and instead of talking things through with you, he just pulls away. In this case it's possible that you might not be a compatible couple, but before you make a judgement on that, you need to talk things through to see if there is a way forward.

There's also the problem that some men are just plain selfish, the whole universe revolves around them, and if you won't subscribe to that state of being then you are of no interest to them.

If your situation fits into any of those 4 scenarios, then please let you guy pull away as far as possible. You don't need someone like that, and you are highly unlikely to be a lasting, fulfilling relationship with an individual like that! Right then, having dealt with the dross, we now need to look at what happens when you are in what should be a happy and fulfilling relationship. Trying to build an unreal, fantasy relationship will make men pull away.

The first thing to do is to take a look at what a relationship is, and should be. First and foremost, regardless of what either of you bring to the relationship you are 2 equal partners, and you have an equal responsibility for making your relationship work. You have to be able to communicate with each other, you have to be able to share things and open up with each other. Having a physical attraction is great, but it's communication that makes and develops a relationship, and as many couples have found, when the communication goes you no longer have a relationship. What is probably the most important thing of all is that you have to love each other for who you are, you should never try to change each other because if you change them, will they still be the same person that you fell in love with?

You have your relationship. Can you tell me if you view your relationship with rosy tinted spectacles, or do you accept your relationship for it is. There are far too many women who have allowed their perception of what a relationship is to be colored by what they see in the movies or what they read in books. Similarly what you have seen and read can also color how you view your partner. Now these perceptions may be great in an ideal world, but we don't live in an ideal world, we live in the real world. In the real world you have to accept your situation, you have to accept who you have fallen in love with, and you have to build a relationship around that. If you unable to accept reality and try to create some fantasy idyll you could have your guy running for the hills. No-one is say that you can't stop him from doing things like picking his nose in public, but unless you accept who he is and your own personal situation, then will you ever be truly satisfied or happy. And if you come across as not satisfied or happy what will your guy think, will he pull away or will he stay in your unfulfilling relationship?

You both came into this relationship with your own histories, your friends and families, your hobbies and interests, nothing can change that, and just because you are in a relationship it doesn't mean that you have to bid farewell to these integral parts of you. I think that one of the things that men fear is that they will lose the sense of who they are, they might be worried that they can't do guy things, that they'll no longer be able to hang out with their friends, have a few beers, watch the game and just chill.

If you want your relationship to succeed then as well as being an integral part of each others lives, you also have to be able to lead your own lives. You cannot live in each others pockets 24/7, doing that will not only drive you both crazy but it will stunt the growth of your relationship, and the growth of both of you as individuals. We grow as people by experiencing life. A relationship grows when both of you can bring all of your ever-changing experiences to the table. If you can't have your own lives then your relationship will become dull and boring. If all you ever do is share exactly the same experiences, then where is the depth of life that makes you who you are.

If he has started to pull away make sure that he understands that he doesn't have to lose his old life.

When a man starts to pull away it could be that he fears losing his individuality and everything that makes him a man. If your relationship has become too close it could be that your guy feels that you are smothering him. If that is the case then you need to give him the opportunity to do his own thing, and just as he can go and do his own thing then so should you. Remember, everything that you did before you met made you the people who you are. Men pull away because they don't want to lose who they are. And whilst you can't spend the time on everything that you did before meeting each other, it's healthy to have some you space, you will develop as people, as you develop your relationship will develop, and just think of all the things that you'll have to talk about.

Apart from the obvious physical differences, men and women are two completely different species in that we think differently. Men tend to struggle to understand their feelings, and worse to actually talk about them, although I get the strange feeling that you're probably already aware of this. A man, instead of just using his heart to understand something complicate things further by also using the gut to process feelings, nothing like doing things the easy way. The problem is that the gut tends to be listened to more than the heart, which does waste so much time, because instead of responding from the heart we go from a gut feeling, a condition that can respond to situations in every way except the way that you are hoping for. What I'm trying to say in my meandering way is that just because you can see, understand and accept something it doesn't mean that your guy does. When he is being slow to catch on it is easy to become annoyed with him, the problem is that if he can't understand why you are annoyed with him you could end up pushing him away. If you want to understand more the complexities of a mans mind and his ineffably wise gut feelings, then you might benefit from a visit to my site.

Blaming your man for being slow to express his feelings will make a man pull away.

Try not to get annoyed with your guy because he is being slow to express his feelings for you! Just because he is slow to respond, there is a good chance that he could be attracted to you, it's just that he needs a lot longer than you do to understand his feelings for you. If you try to push him for a response then you could scare him away. Although we have the amazing ability to hide it well, most men do want to find love, we may come across a wee bit slow at times, but although it's probably not always that apparent, even we realise that life will be a whole lot better if we are in a happy and fulfilling relationship.

Now I can understand that the longer it takes to get some form of commitment from your guy, the more angry, frustrated and confused you're going to become. If he is unable to respond positively to your feelings for him then it's reasonable to suppose that he has no feelings for you. It's then possible that you might give him an ultimatum. If you deliver an ultimatum then you had better be prepared to move on, and even if he does respond to your threat what kind of relationship will you have from that point onwards?

If you think that you have found the one and you want your relationship to move to the next level you cannot do it alone, this has to be something that you both do together, and you have to do it because you want to do it, because it is the natural next step. Men will pull away faster than the speed of light if they think that they are being pushed into something that they are not comfortable with, or are not yet ready with. Sometimes you just have to be patient, but if you would like to move things forward in your relationship without looking as if you are forcing the issue, then take a wander over to my site.

Is it possible that the reason that he pulls away is that he has been unlucky in love? It could also be that he has seen far too many people split up, and he doesn't want to lose you. If it's the case that your guy has been hurt before, and not found closure from that and possibly ensuing relationships, then he is really going to struggle to create any kind of deep, meaningful relationship as he could be just be waiting for the point that he breaks up yet again. It could be the case that he is scared to get to close to you just in case you leave him, and he has to go through all the hurt again, so if he finds himself getting to close to you he could start to pull away rather than risk going the hurt again.

Earlier on I mentioned the importance of communication, and it really is so important that I have that you'll forgive me if I mention it again. Unless things have changed, the biggest threat to a marriage or a relationship is a breakdown in communication. When the communication breaks down then you don't have a relationship, and if a man thinks that he's not in a relationship the he will pull away from you. Properly talking to each other connects you, it forms the bonds that bind you, if you don't talk then you have no connection. Whilst your guy might be a bit of a Neanderthal when it comes to talking about feelings, there is nothing wrong with sharing your feelings, there is nothing wrong with talking about hopes and dreams. When you talk you help your relationship grow, you can identify and deal with any problems, you can give yourselves long-term goals for the relationship. When you talk you bring your relationship to life, when you stop it withers away.

Is a lack of communication the reason why men pull away?

So we've dealt with the importance of communication, but there is another part of communication that is just as important as talking, and that's listening to what your partner has to say. To some degree we all have our own egos and if we have something to say we want to know that people are listening to us. Men like to be listened to, women like to be listened to, and so if your man thinks that he's not being listened to then he could pull away with his pride all hurt and wounded so that he can have a good sulk. Regardless of who's saying it, if one of you have something to say then the other should want to listen, because what is important to you should be important to them. But have you ever noticed just how difficult it is to actively listen?

If you're interested in what's being said then you are more likely to listen. If you're not that interested then your face will assume a blank stare (ah body language, don't you just love it and the neat way that it reveals what you are thinking), you probably won't take much notice, but you will make vague non-committal grunts just to give the impression that you are listening. the worst thing is when you are arguing, because instead of listening to what your partner is saying, you are more likely to be considering the best way to respond. Regardless of how interesting or not you find the subject make sure that you give your full attention, ask questions, clarify points. When you actively listen to someone, apart from giving them the same courtesy that you would expect from them, you are showing that you care, you are showing that what matters to them is also important to you, and if you guy knows that you genuinely care about what he thinks then he is going to feel a lot closer to you.

At some point you are going to argue. There is nothing wrong with arguments that clear the air and highlight issues, they help you both to deal with problems and to move your relationship forward. For whatever reason you are having an argument, instead of just confining yourself to the problem at hand you start to bring up every issue and past misdeed that he has committed, needless to say, this is not a healthy way to argue. Men will pull away from someone who nags, someone who can't leave the past in the past, this sounds a bit harsh, but men will pull away from a drama queen.

No-one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes, but you have to learn from your mistakes and move on. Depending on what has happened it doesn't mean that you have to forgive him, but if you want your relationship to survive you have to leave the past in the past, and until you can do that and move your life forward, you will be stuck in limbo.

Time to start drawing this article into a conclusion.

Why do men pull away?

You need to accept the fact that you think differently to your man. It's a fact of life that you will have far too many times when you view situations differently to your man, and no matter how many subtle hints you drop he still seems lost. After a while it can be only too easy to lash out in anger and try to punish him for not understanding you. Whilst your frustration can be justifiable, the end result is that your man could pull away, because no-one likes getting grief for no apparent (to them) reason at all. If you want to be able to move things forward then difficult as it may be, you have to learn to understand your man .

You have to be able to accept him, warts and all for who he is, because that is the guy that you fell in love with. You have to be able to resist any urges to change him to some kind of fantasy ideal, you may succeed in changing him into someone unlike the man you fell in love with, or worse, what happens if he won't co-operate, what happens if he wants to remain the man you fell in love with? On the whole men will always pull away from someone who is trying to warp who they are. Be happy with the man you fell in love with, there must be a reason that (even with his faults) that you love him.

Men will pull away if they feel that their freedom is under threat so you need to ensure that you both have the opportunity to follow your own lives. Whilst you won't be able to spend the same amount of time on your hobbies and interests, meeting friends and what have you, you both still need to do it as that was what made you, you (I hope that makes sense). Having his own personal space will make him realise that he will not lose who he is, and that he can still be who he is. If he is less likely to fear the loss of his FREEDOM then he is much less likely to need to go off to find himself.

There will be jerks (that's me being very polite) and no matter how much time you invest in the relationship you will never make it work. If you have the misfortune to be stuck with a jerk then please move on and find someone you can be happy with!!!

Men will pull away if they feel that they are not appreciated or not listened to, we are such sensitive souls. So let him know that you love him. Let him know that you love him for the unique individual that he is. Let him know that you are interested in who he is and in his thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams. You need to understand that when a man falls in love it can make him feel vulnerable, which for a male psyche could be a very scary thing, so he pulls back, not because he doesn't love you, but because he fears losing himself.

Why do men pull away? Thinking on it, it could be that we're just big kids. When we are in an environment that we understand such as out with friends, or maybe playing with computer games, then we are at one with the world. The problem begins when we are taken out of our comfort zone into a world that is, alien to us, a world where we have to confront our feelings, a world where the happy carefree days of being single have no place, because now instead of only looking after our own wants and needs we have to share, share our lives, our hopes and our dreams. We know that this new way of living can be good, we realise that it can make us happy, but for whatever weird, irritating, frustrating reason it can be very difficult to embrace the life that we want, and that we need.

[Alexa]

Thank you all for the advice.