Do I Contact Him and Talk to Him about How I Feel?

[Victoria]

I met a man whose wife left him and is in the process of being divorced. We had 6 great dates. We were very attracted to each other and we had physical relations on some of the dates.

Then one day I freaked out a little cause he hadn't even filed for divorce yet.

And I told him I couldn't do this any more. So we talked and he said he just wanted a friend and nothing serious. He's not ready yet. We still keep in touch thru emails and IM and I let him initiate most of the time.

My question is did I scare him away?

I still like him very much but I don't want a pen pal I want to get to know him.

So do I contact him and talk to him about how I feel?

[Bradwin]

Why so many women allow themselves to get involved with men who are inherently unavailable to them is beyond me.

When there is so many single men looking to find a great women.

Here is the way it is.

And know ahead of time that this is not going to be the easiest thing in the world for you to hear.

I am simply the messenger - the truth here really is rather clear.

When a man is "separated" or by any other description NOT divorced yet, he is A MARRIED MAN.

What is more, many times you really can drop the "yet" part from that last statement.

When there is no official divorce record, you are fully dependent upon someone's word that he or she really has broken up with his or her partner.

Notice that I was not gender-specific there.

Truly both men and women can experience what you have in situations like this.

If you are courting a man who claims that his marriage is through and has nothing to prove that with, then the reality is that just about anything could be going on.

And almost anything could happen as a result.

Even if you know for a fact that, say, his wife has picked up and moved to another city to be with some other guy she left him for, reconciliation is always a possibility - made easier by the lack of any formal severance to the relationship.

As you have found out, the man you are with was willing to sleep with you, but never quite got around to getting his divorce filed.

This is a major red flag as I see it.

If his wife "left him" and no divorce has been filed for, it is likely that one or both spouses is indeed reserving some thought of reconciliation.

The possibility of legal tangles, etc. exists... and I would not rely on that explanation.

Besides, the fact that he was not forthright in telling you EXACTLY what his status was portends that he has had good reason to hide it from you all along.

Courting a man who is recently divorced brings about enough challenges with regard to being "ready" for another serious relationship so soon.

And courting a man who is not "even" divorced is the very definition of "complicated."

For all you know, based on the information you have shared, this man could be going home and sleeping in the same bed with his wife.

What is really going on is subject to hearsay, and he has already demonstrated that he is willing to withhold information from you.

Further, when you challenged him on all of this, what happened?

He gave you the "Just Be Friends" talk.

This is further indication that he was mostly (if not only) interested in a hot fling, perhaps because he felt he could get away with it and it was "now or never" given that his separation from his wife is even factual.

Unfortunately Trina, I am not sure telling him how you feel is going to change anything.

I am, however, pretty sure you did not exactly "scare him away."

His status is what it is, and what he wants out of life right now is also plain to see.

If you are looking for a stable long-term relationship, that is neither what he is looking for nor READY for.

Why allow yourself to become even more emotionally drawn in by a man who has no ability to commit to you right now anyway?

Based on what you have told me, he has now gone so far as to clearly state that he is not interested in that sort of thing anyway... were it even logistically possible.

That all adds up to danger ahead if you choose to remain involved.

I keep telling women that they MUST learn that when men tell you they do not want a commitment or anything serious, they mean it.

There are over six billion people on Earth, and lots of them are men.

That means you do not have to select a man who is emotionally unavailable...let alone LITERALLY unavailable.

Avoid the drama and the heartbreak and position yourself to meet men who are ready to meet you...men who know what it means to build a great relationship on communication and mutual trust ALONG WITH the fireworks!

And I must also be honest and say this Trina... BIG MISTAKE getting physical with him, although you did not mention sex directly.

I take what you implied and "yes" you did have sex with him.

It is a BIG mistake to sleep with a man to early when you are courting.

Sex with a man too early makes you a "Booty Call" not a "Girlfriend!"

Does any part or Victoria's predicament sound familiar to you?

Let me tell you...it is time for women everywhere to JUST SAY NO to empty promises and unlikely commitments.

If you are wanting an "Authentic Man" then be an "Authentic Woman" yourself!

Is it romantic and fun to think about fairy tales?

Of COURSE it is.

And allow me to be the first to encourage you to find your very own Prince Charming.

Keep in mind, however, what the plain facts are...

1) In order to "live happily ever after" you have to have the RIGHT man in your life, a "REAL" Man and not the "Fairy Tail" man you imagine you are looking for.

2) You have just GOT to have a clear sense of what you want from a man and how to make it happen.

[Victoria]

Bradwin, thank you for your advice.