I Want Kids but Feel Like the Timeline Is Short

[Bella]

I have a dilemma I am facing lately.

I met this man a few months ago. We were attracted to each other immediately and hit it off. Soon after we met during a conversation it was revealed that he has a vasectomy.

He already has two children....15 and 10. They live about 3 hours away with the mom and he has them every other weekend.

He is 42 yrs old. Is a teacher and lives on a boat.

Problem is, i don't have kids and I would like to have 1. I am 37 yrs old. Once I told him this, he commented that for the right woman, he would reverse the vasectomy. He said that other woman have also approached him with this issue.

Soon after that discussion, he told me he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with me. He said he doesn't feel a connection as a life partner with me.

He says he loves my personality, my energy, my warmth, my sense of humor. He says I have everything a man could want.

So it makes me wonder if he isn't pursuing me because of the fact that I want to have a child.

Perhaps after much thought, he really wouldn't reverse a vasectomy.

This man has been divorced for 10 years and has never remarried.

And has told me of many women who have left him and gone on to marry other men. I suspect that the issue of not being able to have kids has cost him several relationships.

And perhaps he really doesn't want any more but at the moment it comes up he says "yes he does".

He invites me out in a group setting sometimes and we remain somewhat friends.

We have had sex a couple of times. I guess we are "friends with benefits"...and I hate being in this position.

I am 37 and starting to wonder of I should give up waiting for a man who wants a family and just go for a good man even though he may not want kids or cant have them.

But I fear regretting not holding out as long as I can. I have given myself until next year to have a family.

If I am not in a committed relationship which is heading toward marriage by the time I am 38, i figure kids won't happen for me.

I really don't want to have them past 40.

Meeting this man has made me consider doing it now. But I keep wondering if in the next year I may meet the one.

What are the chances, right?

I know that with him there is no chance, and I accept that.

But I don't want to lose a potential life mate because of one year. What's another 12 months, right?

Thanks

[Bradwin]

Many women are facing this issue of wanting kids and feeling like the timeline is short.

Your feelings on this matter is correct.

You will most likely resent settling for someone who will not give you children.

Waiting a little while longer can make all the difference in the world when it comes to happiness.

According to statistics I found through a brief bit of research on Google, about a half a million men choose a vasectomy every year and about 30,000 attempt a reversal.

That is only 6% of men who change their minds about kids.

Men do not make the decision to get vasectomies on a whim.

After much thought and two weeks of suffering through the recovery, it is not something a man takes lightly.

Something to remember - even if you meet someone who is sincere about a reversal - it is not foolproof.

The pregnancy success rate after reversal is between 30-64% depending on how long it has been since the vasectomy took place and the technique use to reverse it, among other factors.

That is not the best of odds.

Plus it is very expensive.

I trust that the man you met a few months ago was sincere about never having any more kids.

His kids are 10 and 15 years old and he has been divorced for 10 years.

This means he was not willing to stick around to raise another child.

Even though he sees his kids every other weekend now, at this age they are relatively easy to take care of.

The nappies, spitting up and sleepless nights are over.

Let us do the maths here.

He left his wife about the time she was pregnant or just after the last child was born because he did not then and still does not want to raise kids.

Is this the kind of so called "good man" you want in your life?

A good man will stick around through the good and bad times.

He is right that there is not a connection as a life partner with you because he will not have more kids.

It has nothing to do with your personality, energy, or your warmth.

Simply put, he does not want kids no matter who he meets.

That is his choice not to have more kids, and it is wrong for him to lead you on by saying that he might change his mind.

It is a great way to keep you around for SEX, to be honest.

I am sorry to say that is what he wants from you.

You are in this position because you choose to remain in it.

If you want to find a great man who wants to find a great life partner like you and have his kids with you, then you need to end this dead-end relationship and go out there and find your happiness.

You said that you do not want to have kids when you get to be 40.

That means you have 3 years to find your man, which is plenty of time to find a blissful relationship in which both of you want to start a family.

It is worth the wait.

After you turn 40 another thing to remember is that you and your new love could adopt.

If kids are what you want, then do not settle for less.

Meeting a man who is your match is possible.

I wish you the best...

[Bella]

Bradwin, thank you for you helpful advice.