He Says That Marriage Isn't Necessary

[Nora]

I wanted to get everyone's opinion on something. I've been dating this guy for about 2 months now. We have a lot in common and get along great.

The first few dates were nice and he brought up marriage and kids. He said he wanted to eventually marry again (he's been married before) and have a child soon (he has no children)...within a year since he is older.

He said he didn't want to be an old dad. This was music to my ears since I too want to get married and have a child.

Well based on this, we decided to go exclusive since I would only go exclusive with a man that wanted marriage and kids like I do.

However, for the last few weeks, this man has slowly but surely changed his story.

Now he says that marriage isn't necessary. That two people can commit to one another and love each other without marriage. That the piece of paper is false security and that it just creates more problems than it's worth.

He believes two people can build a life together without the need for marriage. Then he says that if he did decide to marry someone, he would have to date her for at least 3 years and that it takes that long to get to know someone and be sure.

I told him I disagreed.

He also says now that he isn't sure he wants to have kids.

So now I find myself in an exclusive relationship with someone who doesn't share my timetable or my dream to marry and try to have a child.

I don't have three years to wait around for a man to marry me and then start a family. And even if I didn't want kids, I don't think it's necessary to date someone for that long before marriage.

I think if you know that person is THE ONE, you will know it in about 1 yr or so. Why drag it out and date for so long needlessly?

Do you think I am wrong or being unrealistic? Is 3 yrs necessary to truly know if the person is THE ONE?

Should I continue to date him exclusively knowing now what I know about him? Or should I break it off?

Thanks

[Clinton]

Your story brings to light some great points that are important.

But first I wanted to let you know that your feelings are right on.

If you are spending 3 or more days a weeks together then one year of courting should be more than enough time to know if marriage is the right step for the both of you.

Three years may make sense if you are very young (e.g. attending college) or in a long-distance relationship.

And in your case this is not your scenario.

Think about how easy it would be to waste 3 or more years on someone who many never have real intentions of marrying you!

And the bigger picture here is that this man is playing you.

Early in the courting process he told you exactly what he thought you wanted to hear...

"I want to get married and have kids very soon."

He probably thought that if he dangled "commitment" before you, you would have sex with him.

It is kind of the guy version of a woman withholding sex until she is in a committed relationship, if you think about it.

When we are selfish, we tantalize with what our partner wants...and really it is only to get what we want.

When a man is sex-focused and a woman is longing to start a family then he may offer to start that family with her someday.

And in the mean time he gets to fulfill his desire for sex.

The problem is after he has gratified his desires and received everything he can from you then he might become disinterested.

The challenge is gone.

The hunt is over.

The next step will be to drag out the relationship for years-or at least until he moves on to someone else.

All men are not like this, of course.

And here are a few red flags to watch out for in identifying those who are...

1. If a man is talking about marring you within the first few meetup's or how he would love to father your kids, then be very cautious.

This could be a ploy...or he could be lonely and willing to attach himself to the first woman who will say "I do."

2. A sex-focused man could be constantly trying to pressure you into sleeping with him...

3. Or he could act disinterested to cause you to make the first sexual advances.

After all you do want him to notice you sexually, and men know you want them to think you are attractive to them.

Always be careful about telling a man everything you are dreaming about - especially as it might possibly pertain to him.

In other words do not be so quick to say "I want to get married and have kids soon."

If you would like to, you can let the men you are seeing know that when the right man comes along marriage would be nice and that someday you will have kids.

Contrast that sentiment with dropping that desire squarely in his lap.

This takes the pressure off of him, therefore freeing him from thinking that you are trying to pin him down to a commitment.

As a result, he may be more likely to be straightforward about his intentions.

Of course you do not want to think the worst of the men you are social courting with.

There are plenty of men who are actively looking for a wife with the intent of starting a family.

I often hear from men like this, so I know they are out there.

So, then, knowing there are good men out there, how can you fine-tune your "Bull Shit Detector" when you come across a man who could be deceiving you so you do not waste your time with the ones who are not?

The key, as always, is if you notice inconsistencies, check to see if he potentially lied to you or if he changed his mind about something.

Let us look specifically at the man you are currently courting...

1. I am sure it was nice to hear the words "I want to get married soon, with in a year."

And 2 months later he shares with you his core thinking about courting and marriage, which is that couples should court for at least 3 years.

How can he get married with in a year if he thinks that couples should court 3 or more years before doing so?

I change my mind about what shoes I am going to wear and I do not change my mind about what matters to me.

This man lied in the beginning about wanting to get married in the first place.

2. After previously expressing a desire to marry, he now says marriage is not even necessary at all.

He claims that two people can commit to one another and love each other without marriage.

If you hear this from a man one of two things is going on.

First, he could possibly be having a change of heart.

He may be having second thoughts about whether you are the one or not, and is afraid to let you go just yet.

He could be buying time, waiting for someone better to come along.

And ask if his ideas about marriage hold true regardless of who he meets.

If so, then he lied in the beginning about wanting marriage.

Be aware that most men will be excited about getting married if they feel they have found "The One."

3. Men and women usually know if they want kids or not, especially when the clock is ticking.

He even made sure you were aware that he is getting older and wants to have a child soon.

And now there is another change in the story.

He has informed you that he has no desire to have kids...at all

Again, clearly he has either experienced a very real change of heart, or he has simply demonstrated that he is a liar.

There is only one good thing about lies...

The truth eventually comes out.

What you do with this information is up to you.

You can try to keep your head in the sand and pretend it is not happening, keeping everything status quo.

You can continue to think he will change and fulfill your dreams, even though that is very likely to never happen.

Or you can do something about it.

And I think that is the better option...always.

Refuse to court any man who is not "feeling it" for you anymore, and who does not have the backbone to break up with you.

And especially refuse to continue courting any man who has proven to be deceitful.

Save a lot of time and heartache by continuing your quest for Mr.Right elsewhere.

In doing so you will be much more likely to find a wonderful man who cannot wait to marry you.

[Ella]

There's really one main answer the question of why men don't want to commit when things are going well in the relationship. They just don't want to put the effort in to take things to the next level. To them the relationship is satisfying all of their needs. They feel fulfilled emotionally and physically and they know that the woman they're involved with isn't going anywhere. To a man like this commitment is the furthest thing from his mind because he doesn't see it as a necessary part of the equation.

Many men see commitment as nothing more than a way to damage a great relationship. They envision the dynamic of the relationship changing dramatically if they promise their girlfriend an engagement and then a wedding. They feel they have to give up the life they have in order to fulfill the role of husband and future father. These men are quite comfortable living as a boyfriend endlessly, much to the annoyance of the women they've involved with.

If your boyfriend seems more than content with having you as his devoted and adoring girlfriend and you're not finding that satisfying anymore, you have options. If you don't do anything, you should expect the relationship to continue on the same course it is now. That means that your boyfriend will happily enjoy all the fruits of his connection with you while you grit your teeth and cringe hoping that one day he'll suddenly decide marriage is for him.

You don't have to end the relationship but you can change it. You can stop playing the part of his wife if you're never going to officially be his wife. In other words, start living more like the single woman you are. Go out with your friends, have fun and pursue your own independent and individual dreams. Show your boyfriend that the good thing he has going isn't secure or guaranteed at all. Rocking the boat in this way may be enough to get him to realize that a commitment could enrich both of your lives.

[Bill]

The first thing you absolutely must do if he doesn't want a commitment and you do is look at the current dynamic of the relationship. Are you two still in the dating phase or has your relationship become more like that of a married couple? Is it understood that you'll only date each other? Do you run to be with him each and every time he asks you to? If this sounds familiar, it might be time for you to make a few changes. When a woman makes it clear to a man, through her actions, that she's his and his alone he'll stop trying. He will no longer work at impressing her. He'll stop calling as often as he did and there will be an unspoken expectation that she'll be available whenever he wants her to be. That's ideal if you're in a committed relationship. It's unacceptable if you're not. You need to take a serious look at the state of things between the two of you and then decide if you need to change your own behavior.

An effective suggestion for a woman who wants her man to commit is pull back from the relationship just a hair. You have to be incredibly subtle about this so it doesn't appear as though you're playing a game with him. The best way to do that is to start making plans of your own. When he asks you over at the very last minute, tell him that you already have plans. Start making some life decisions on your own. It doesn't have to be anything monumental. Perhaps you can make vacation plans with a girlfriend instead of him or you can attend a family wedding solo instead of asking him to be your date. It won't take long before he notices the change in your attitude. He'll feel you slipping away and if he doesn't want that to happen, he'll seriously reconsider his stance on the subject of commitment. Let your actions show him that you're not fulfilled in the relationship anymore. He'll get your point loud and clear.

[Nora]

I have gotten so much advice from you guy, thank you very much.

[The Masterpiece]

I agree that you can be committed without marriage but if it's marriage you want then it's marriage you should have. But if his story changed he was lying in the first place, he is not trustworthy and I'll bet this particular man is not willing to wait 3 years to have sex with you.