Why Do Guys Cheat So Much More Than Women Do?

[Ashley]

Why do GUYS cheat so much more than women do? Why can't they just be HAPPY with the woman they have? I'm so MAD at him right now. Why wasn't I enough for him?

[Nicolas]

Hi Ashley,

But you've got a couple things wrong here.

1. Guys actually DON'T cheat much more than women do.

Stats actually show that guy's cheat in relationships maybe 5% more often than women do and that (as women have gained financial and social independence) women have started cheating in their relationships a lot MORE than they used to.

(It takes two to tango, so it always struck me as odd that guys supposedly cheated "all the time" while women NEVER did. Who were these guys cheating with? Each other?)

That said . . .

2. Women tend to cheat for different REASONS than men do . . . I'm talking in generalities here, but women tend to cheat

A. Because they don't feel emotionally connected to their man.

B. Because they feel ignored by their man.

C. To raise their self esteem (I just wanted to be desired).

D. Because they aren't happy in the relationship.

E. Because they've fallen out of love with their man and really want out of the relationship.

While guys tend to cheat . . .

A. Because they're horny and a woman they found attractive was either available or came on to them. (Oh, and of course some guys are serial cheaters just like some women are.)

B. (There is no B.)

3. Women tend to JUSTIFY their cheating in ways guys don't.

In all the years I've been doing this I've NEVER heard from a guy who said his wife or girlfriend DESERVED to be cheated on but I've gotten quite a few emails from women who said "I cheated on him because he's a son of a bitch."

Or something to that effect.

And finally . . .

4. Women are BETTER at cheating than guys are.

Plain and simple, women are better at keeping an affair secret and "cleaning up the evidence" than guys are.

Women are crafty and pay attention to details.

Men are blunt instruments who can't even put the toilet seat down.

So while a woman will put her lover's name in her phone as "Fiona" so her hubby doesn't catch on and keep a death grip on her phone . . .

A guy will be dumb enough to leave his phone full of dirty pictures sitting on the kitchen table.

I'm not sure being "better" at cheating is all that great but it does lead to a lot more guys getting caught and skews perception so society THINKS guys cheat a lot more than women do.

Oh . . . and the vast majority of cheaters never get found out.

Stats show that about 50% of men AND women report some level of infidelity during their marriage and for most of them it's a short term thing that fades away into memory.

[Anthony]

Men are more likely to have extramarital affairs than women. You may be wondering why men have affairs. What drives them to cheat on their spouses and put the marriage in great pain and uncertainty?

There is no valid reason for cheating a spouse but let's face it, an affair is not something that just comes out of the blue, there are reasons why men have affairs. Let us look at the reasons why men have extramarital affairs.

When their emotional needs are overlooked. It is a common notion that men are physical beings and that their sexual desires can push them to cheat on their spouses but contrary to what most people believe, men are also emotional beings. Men are not as good as women in expressing their feelings that is why their emotional needs are often overlooked but they also want to be appreciated and they want their emotional needs to be acknowledged and fulfilled. Emotional dissatisfaction is one of the reasons why men have affairs.

When men are surrounded by friends who are cheaters. Being around friends committing adulterous acts can be a bad influence to faithful husbands. A good guy may get tempted to do the same since he is hanging out with friends who makes cheating look like a normal thing. The influence or pressure of cheating friends can be a reason why men have affairs.

When men are tempted with an office mate who acknowledge him and look up to him. Men spend longer hours at work with their office mates than at home with their wives. When they get home after office hours they'll just have dinner with their wives and children and the rest of the hours are spent sleeping. When men do not feel valued at home but well-appreciated, valued and praised at work by a female co-worker, what do you think will happen? There are reports that more than 50% of affairs start at work. It is not uncommon for some men to fall for their female co-workers especially when they are doing the same line of work and they work happily with each other. The closeness and emotional connection with a female co-worker is sometimes one of the reasons why men have affairs.

Sexual dissatisfaction. Contrary to what most people believe, sex is not the primary reason why men have affairs. There are numerous surveys, research and studies showing that sex is not the major reason why men cheat on their wives. Although this is not the primary reason why men commit adultery, this should not be overlooked. Sexual dissatisfaction could drive some men to look for it somewhere else. Men have sexual needs and if they cannot get it from their wives they are more likely to get it from other women.

When men fall out of love with their spouses. Love is supposed to be pure and should not dishonor others so it is questionable if what they have with the person they are having an affair with can be called love but when men lose the emotional and physical connection with their wives or falling out of love, they tend to look for it in the arms of other women.

To escape an unhappy marriage. Marital issues or unhappy marriage doesn't justify infidelity but men becomes more vulnerable to having an affair when the marriage becomes problematic and going home with his wife becomes unbearable. There are men who do not want to face the problems in their unhappy marriage and they just choose to escape from it by having an affair.

To satisfy their curiosity. This may sound ridiculous but some men have affairs not because they are unhappy with their marriage or they have emotional needs to be fulfilled, some men cheat just to satisfy their curiosity. One of the reasons why men have affairs is that they want to experience something new or something exciting. They want a new challenge or they cheat just for the thrill of it.

Insecurities. One example of this is a man seeking an affair to feel young. Some men are afraid to lose their sexual prowess and masculinity due to aging. They do not feel good realizing that they are no longer young so they want an affair with younger women to feel younger and well-desired. Some men seek for an affair to feel better because they feel they are too old, too fat or not desirable anymore. Insecurities can be a reason why men have affairs.

Infidelity is one of the major causes of divorce but this doesn't mean that divorce is your only option if your marriage has been shattered by an affair. There is life after an affair and it is possible to survive and make the marriage work again after an affair. Many couples survived and were able to enjoy their renewed relationship after an affair.

[Olivia]

Marie scooped up a note that had "mysteriously" appeared on the bedroom floor.

It read: "I had a beautiful time last night Enrique, and hope you can get away to go to New Orleans with me. It'll be worth your time."

Marie's heart skipped beats, and her hands shook. She thought: I can't believe Enrique is having an affair? I'm six month pregnant with his child. How can he do this to me? She sat on the edge of the bed and cried off and on for hours.

There are variations on the theme. But most women, like Marie, have experienced at least one infidelity in their relationship history.

Curious, I wanted to learn the motivations behind why men cheat.

So, I recently posted the question on Face Book. I asked men to honestly answer the question: Why do men cheat? No, my poll was not very scientific, but a number of men responded with consistent answers. So, ladies consider these factors, and integrate them into your intimate relationships.

Men cheat for the following reasons:

An Affair Can Temporarily Boost a Deflated Ego.

Difficult to believe sometimes, but men really do value our opinion of them. Pollster Michael Collins elaborated:

"In marriage no one can hurt a man as much as his wife. A woman can say some things that a man can't get over...Be smart women and use the right words even if he screws up."

Sometimes, a man with a deflated ego seeks a momentary boost from an affair. So, ladies do you want to protect your relationship?

Refrain from blaming, name calling and other destructive words that might hurt your mate. Instead, make communication and problem solving the goal in your intimate relationships, not destruction of his ego.

Some Men Lack Good Home Training

Some men cheat because they can. They've never learned to value a woman through exercising fidelity. Ask them to discuss their childhood with you. Oftentimes, you'll find these men have had mothers and fathers who disrespected one another. More than likely, they are products of broken families----these men grow up to continue the "legacy of infidelity."

It's great to know your man's background.

However, should a woman tolerate offensive behavior like infidelity? Never! One male pollster accurately stated, "A good man is not born, they are made. Moreover, a man wants to believe his woman is a person of higher character than him."

With that in mind, consider exercising boundaries that will loudly communicate to your man----you are woman of high standards, and therefore will not tolerate unfaithfulness.

No one can change another person, but you can create conditions that can encourage it.

Is your man unfaithful? Consider these actions:

o Tell him How You Feel

You can use this script:

"Jay, I know you're having an affair.

Glenda's name has popped up on our phone bill numerous times over the last few months.

I don't know a Glenda.

Every Wednesday you come home three hours late. Why?

Then, I'm noticing you are asking me to do strange things like---dye my hair red and wear this new perfume. This is all coming out of the blue.

I feel very hurt and sad that our relationship means so little to you. I've kept my vows. If I had an affair, I know you'd fall apart. So, why are you doing this to me?

I need you to be honest, Jay. Are you having an affair?

We also need to talk about where we are going from here..."

Empathetic men will hear your pain, and experience how their betrayal has hurt you. If they are truly repentant, they will work hard, and do whatever it takes to change their behavior.

o Build in Consequences that will Protect Your Heart

A cheating man strike blows to a woman's heart. Out of necessity, a woman needs to protect herself and heal from the betrayal and distrust she undoubtedly feels. In order to do that a woman might:

- Withdraw-do not spend as much time with him.
- Talk with him on the phone.
- Be less emotionally vulnerable to him.
- Refrain from sex.

If he loves you, he will miss your presence, and be motivated to change.

Notice, by the way, I said withdraw from not shut down the relationship. Share

the more superficial aspects of relating to him---emotional intimacy, however,

springs from trust, and affairs destroy it.

o Suggest Counseling

Counseling can take many forms. Unpacking the cause of a man's infidelity, and creating strategies to overcome it sometimes requires professional help from a therapist. At other times, a support/ accountability group can help a man mature in this area. Additionally, a pastor or healthy friend can serve as a model and mentor to a man struggling with infidelity. Whatever form it takes is fine, as long as a man is taking action.

o Separate

In more severe cases, it might be wise to separate. When trust is broken in an intimate union, it is quite difficult to reclaim it. It's as if the foundations of the relationship have shifted, and the damage seems so complete. The work involved in restoring trust and rebuilding the relationship from ruins is tedious and time consuming. Consider minimal contact during this reconstruction process.

o End the Relationship

I honestly believe in the preservation of relationships. Often, couples give up too easily rather than patiently learning and implementing relationship principles that could save their union. Unfortunately, this impatience among couples is reflected in America's fifty percent divorce statistic.

However, patience does not mean for the rest of your life. If over a long period of time, a man defends his abusive behavior, persists with affairs, gives "lip service to change, and shows no remorse for his behavior ---READ HIS ABUSIVE ACTIONS and leave. So many women make the mistake of tolerating unacceptable behavior with the "wish" that one day he'll wake up and stop laying with other women. Save yourself a lot of useless tears, and move on with your life. You deserve respect from your man.

Finally, pollsters suggested men cheat because:

A Man Feels Frustrated and Acts Out

Relationships certainly have their challenges. One partner is financially responsible, the other isn't. There are disagreements about how to raise children. You feel unappreciated by your mate. Sexual needs are not being met. Unresolved problems can put stress on an intimate relationship. Over time, it appears as if the relationship has hit a wall. Frustrated, some men will have an affair.

Several men admitted that communication difficulties put their relationships at risk Our society has trained men to be invulnerable.

It took a couple of years, and the encouragement of our pastor to get my ex-husband into a communication class. The facilitator asked each partner to tell the other what they liked best. I was surprised when he said: "Rosalind is very affectionate and I need that." He always looked stoic when I lavished my affection on him. But I learned from this communication exercise to ask what he needed from me to feel loved, and I tried to do it.

Conclusion

The requirement for intimate relationships is fidelity. Treat your man with respect and build his ego. Uphold your principles of faithfulness by requiring it of him--- many men will get the message and change their behavior because they love you, and don't want to see you hurt or they will leave. Either way, you won.

Encourage your man to be more honest and vulnerable in his conversations with you. Ask him questions like: What do I do to draw you close to me? What do I do to push you away? What kind of things can I do to make you feel more loved and appreciated? Working these principles into your relationship will help affair proof it.

[Ashley]

Thank you everyone for your answer to this question of mine.

[The Masterpiece]

Porn trains them early on that one woman is not good enough.