He Is What I Want and I Believe the Kind of Man I Deserve. What Do I Do?

[Stella]

At the moment, I am heartbroken over a man. This gorgeous man and I have been sharing mutually attractive sensors for over a year now. He works out at my gym. He knows I'm interested because I asked his Best Friend if he was single.

I knew he was at the time but wanted to feel out his friend and have him get the word back to him. It worked. He seemed to be interested although never approached me. He was often 9in my proximity. I am under the impression based on my highly intuitive nature this man is afraid and shy. He makes my blood boil and my knees shake. He's 49, never married. I have never gone up to him because I believe in chivalry and I am not a man chaser. He probably thinks I'm not interested!Here is the problem. Lately, I've noticed he's not around at the same time and I sense he is avoiding me (for good reason) and seems different to me. Well, I've just discovered why. Two nights ago, I was coming down my street and saw him pull into the twice divorced blond bombshell's place. She was coming out of the garage to get in the car. He is dating her. She works out at the gym and leaves very little to a man's imagination in the way she dresses in her workout attire. She was also just dating someone whom she would work out with and I haven't seem him lately. It's new, I'm quite sure of this. My dilemma: after the initial shock of this discovery and a few tears, I am certain I now need to go up to him and flirt a bit. I am an extremely attractive, warm and approachable woman. He is what I want and I believe the kind of man I deserve. What do I do? Do I let him go quietly with her or do I take my shot at him now before he gets too serious about the "man jumper"?

Please tell me what to do!

[Sammy]

Nice job on having the strength to ask Gym Guy's friend about him.

It's a great way to let him know you are interested.

But bear in mind that you can also initiate small talk with a man without necessarily coming off as too forward, if being overly flirtatious is not your style.

That way you can have some direct input without depending on fate and/or third parties.

All of that said, I'm sorry to inform you that although there's always the possibility that he has been afraid or shy about approaching you, the greater likelihood is that he's not interested in you.

It could be that you are not his type.

That is a good thing in this case, perhaps, since if he isn't interested in the kind of relationship you are he's not YOUR type either.

Now at this point, I'd strongly caution against drawing too many general conclusions about this man or the woman he is seeing based on your observational impressions.

The fact that he is 49 and never has been married is the sign that lets you know that he does not commit, don't expect him to have any kind of long term relationship with you or another woman.

The man you described is most likely the kind that likes to be with women with out commitment. Is that the kind of man you want?

There are exceptions, of course, but it sounds as if you have allowed yourself to be infatuated to the point of considerable emotional involvement.

And the fact remains you know very little about the kind of man this is.

My question to you is "what kind of man do you want in your life?"

Are looking for a casual partner or a life long faithful partner?

But that's not the most pressing issue I see at play here.

Problem is that you have put your eggs all in one basket.

You feel hurt, even though you don't have any relationship with him at all.

If you develop interest in other men whom you have actually had the opportunity to get to know - and who appear to appreciate you - then it will not matter that Gym Guy did not show you any attention.

Gym Guy is not the only man on Earth.

Approaching Gym Guy at this point will likely not bring you any productive results.

Ironically, after having resisted opening a conversation with him before, you will now appear in a very real way to be chasing him, which in time will result in him not only avoiding you but also disliking you.

To be honest, given the depth of information you already have regarding the comings and goings of he and his new girlfriend, you may even come off as sort of a stalker.

Not so good!

The best thing to do is let him go...and start meeting other men.

Who knows maybe in time he may change his mind and ask you out.

But by then you will be too busy to see Gym Guy because you have tightened up your priorities and maybe even have found a great man who adores you to be in your life.

Go out and find a man you deserve.

[David]

If you spend too much time hurting and not enough time loving this may be the most important article you could read. Did you know that some people just don't let themselves have love? They don't let themselves take the risk or feel vulnerable. Some people don't love themselves enough to value you if you love them. Here's how to spot the signs of a hopeless case, using little known relationship tips.

The truth is that unless a soul is willing to be involved with you, there is no hope whatsoever for a relationship. No set of skills you learn from any book, seminar, or TV program can create a breakthrough when the other does not choose it. Of course, this can be terribly frustrating for you if you are a willing partner. It's painful, a lot like hitting your head against the wall. Nonetheless, all too often we do not listen when we are told no, because we believe there must be something more we can do to fix the situation so that our desires prevail. Each of us wants what we want when we want it, especially when it comes to relationship, so we tend to ignore the inevitable and keep on trying. I've done this myself. I may be a therapist, but I am a woman first and I learned these lessons through painful firsthand experience.

A man who says, "This relationship doesn't fit into my 20-year projection," or a woman who tells you, "I leave everybody with whom I get involved," is telling you that he or she is not available. And that's the truth. Most likely this person has chosen your relationship with its current limitations because it didn't have long-term potential in his or her mind. It doesn't matter how great the sex is, how attractively you dress, or how well you get along, the day will come when you will hit a nasty wall of resistance. You may even hit the wall right after you attain an amazing state of ecstatic union. Then, out of the blue, everything will come to a screeching halt. When suddenly your love interest informs you, "It's over," it's super important to listen to what is being said to you and heed the message. Otherwise you are in for deeper disappointment.

True communion in relationship is terrifying to the hidden part of us that's responsible for our safety and survival. If we love deeply and surrender to love, fear naturally arises. Opening up to another being tends to bring up old wounds from the past, especially childhood. The survival system can be stronger than the human heart. Its only interest is in protecting us from getting hurt by anyone or anything. For some of us, the possibility of establishing a profound connection poses perhaps the biggest threat. It may trigger us to feel "not good enough," "engulfed," "not perfect," and so on. The fire of passion is literally too hot for many people to handle, so they run away. Without making the soul choice to hang in there and face the fire, our desired connections don't stand a chance.

There are definite relationship tips you can use to let you know that you have snagged someone afraid of connection. See if these sound familiar:

1. After the sexual excitement has died down a bit your lover becomes elusive.

2. Your love interest starts avoiding opportunities to get together, and when you mention it you are called a "complainer."

3. Any mention on your part of moving into more commitment is met with evasion, "Do what you need to do for yourself. Don't worry about me."

4. Your partner develops a roving eye. Sitting at a dinner table you see your beloved watching everyone that passes.

5. The sexual interest dies between you. You express a desire for more affection and are told that you are "too pushy."

It doesn't matter what techniques you use in a relationship. Unless there is an awakening of consciousness and a desire to increase the level of intimacy, there cannot be a breakthrough. In my therapeutic practice I have watched women spend ten years with men who were terrified of being abandoned but had no intention of getting married. When push comes to shove this type of man chooses his freedom over the woman. He is often too concerned with what he could miss out on later to commit to today.

Different relationship patterns can get in the way of deepening intimacy. I have seen men and women spend 30 years trying to find Mr. or Ms. Right, and no one was ever good enough. If this type is your partner, you won't be good enough either. You can beg a workaholic partner to come home and put your relationship first for decades, only to bury this type of mate before the request is honored. You can also consume five years trying to get a partner to join you in a grounded, forward-moving relationship to no avail, and forfeit just as many years of effort trying to establish a significant relationship with a love interest who is only attracted to the unavailable. Relationships can be used as vessels for growth and healing, but only between willing partners.

A 45-year-old man grew up under the domination of an angry, controlling mother. As an adult, he continued waging battle against his mother by never committing to one woman. In a series of monogamous relationships, he provoked a long stream of women to become hostile and demanding, just like his mother, until the day came when each one could not stand any more and left him in disgust. What he didn't realize was that his past was ruling his life and that love would elude him forever unless he dealt with his wounds. His latest girlfriend, a woman who wanted to understand her patterns, brought him to my office. She asked me to help her decide whether or not to stay in it, or break it off.

The man was the eternal "nice guy" who would do anything for his woman, except commit. Each of his previous girlfriends only knew this side of him, because he was a chameleon. His defiance of her was never put in her face. It was subtle, insidious, behind-the-back stuff, nothing she could put her finger on. He seemed to be there, in the relationship, except he wasn't really there. He told his new love interest that he was keeping his connections with the other women because he didn't like to hurt people. He insisted that he wasn't stringing anyone along . . . it was just that he had never found the one woman to whom he could commit. His fears were sabotaging the relationship.

My client had been replaying a traumatic childhood scene of her own with the boyfriend. In relationship with him, she basically was trying to get her abandoning father not to leave. Her dad had walked out on her family when she was a small child, never to be seen again. Both she and her boyfriend were full-grown adults, yet when it came to love they were hopelessly locked in a painful cycle of tug of war. She was sabotaging her happiness by trying to persuade an unavailable man to love her.

Remember: There are no bad guys here. Sometimes we're ready for things and sometimes we are not. A sign that you are personally unready is that you continue choosing people who are also not available when you check below the surface. Or if they are available, you "make" them not good enough, or tell yourself, "Not now." If you are on the receiving end of a message of reluctance, hang in there for a little while in case your love interest becomes more comfortable. Seek help in processing your feelings if you must. But if you find your self-esteem draining from you while you wait, or you feel less and less valued by your mate, it is time to "cut bait" (break up), toss "the fish" (your partner) back into the sea, and walk away.

There are more easy-to-apply relationship tips and tools you can use to create commitment in what looks like hopeless cases. Go to: The Passion Principle: Discover Your Passion Signature and the Secrets to Deeper Relationships in Love, Life and Work .

Here's one final thought. If you are in a loving relationship, it is vital that managing the relationship and growing in the relationship become your two highest priorities. You must be honest and diligent, take responsibility for your own energy, feelings, thoughts, and defenses, and try to understand your impact on your partner. This last item matters most when things are going wrong or you want to deepen your connection. These are keys to unleashing romantic passion.

[Stella]

Thank you all for your help.

[The Masterpiece]

He's just not that into you and if you try to "take" him from her, someone will be able to "take" him from you. If it's meant to be eventually it will be, but he sounds like a good guy to be avoiding you knowing he has a girlfriend and you are krushing on him.