Why Say and Do All Those Things If I Wasn't What He Wanted?

[Julia]

My name is Julia and i am at a loss. This is a pretty long, but im hoping you can help me understand.

i have been at with this man for about 4yrs....well was.

i can honestly say he is the only man i have truly loved. we have had our share of ups and downs but when it was good, it was great. but there was a period of time where we didn't talk or see each other for months at a time bc he had a certain problem he couldnt control.

back in january he got in contact with me out of the blue saying that he loves me, misses me, cares about me, cant stop thinking about me and that he only wanted to be with me.

we are trying to work things out, or at least that's what he told me he wanted to do.

3 wks ago, we spent friday and saturday and a little bit of sunday together laughing having a good time, talking about serious and not so serious things, he cooked for me when he thought i was hungry and he even said to me he wanted me to have have his baby.

when i called him on monday, he text me saying that i wasn't trust worthy and when i asked him what he was talking about, i got another txt msg from a "woman" sent from his phone saying hes my husband stay away from him, all these horrible, hurtful things.

I know hes not married, and even if he was seeing someone else, why not just be honest with me? i know i shouldn't question myself about what i did wrong because i know i didn't do anything wrong but at the same time i cant help but feel that way.

reality wise, as sad as this is about to sound, i cant imagine being with anyone but him.

i can respect the fact that there is a reason for all this happening but there is something i just dont understand: why say and do all those things if i wasn't what he wanted? why couldn't he be honest with me?

please help me...i really don't know what to make of this.... i have told this situation to a number of guy friends of mine, even my female friends ask their male friends and they all tell me the same thing....he's an a******, or a jerk.

true as that maybe, i saw something inside of him that no one else saw. and it made me fall in love with him.

hope your eyes arent tired and it didnt make you run from the computer screaming.

[Bradwin]

Julia, I can tell by the way you write that you've really let this guy affect you deeply...and not for the better. Hold your head up high, girl. You CAN make wise decisions and do what's best.

The truth is that you have answered all of your own questions. I'm simply here to reassure you that you have both the power AND the right to make your own decisions for your own well-being.

This guy is beyond jerkiness. He's flat out unstable. Both Scot and I found ourselves married to mentally ill spouses once upon a time in the past, and all we can tell you is RUN AWAY.

I understand there has been an investment of time and emotion, and with that comes greater hurt after a breakup. But you've got to tell yourself two very key things and believe them fully:

1) You deserve WAY better than this relationship will ever offer

2) You cannot CHANGE this guy

Believe me. I fully get that there are "good times". That's one classic way epic manipulators keep people like you coming back for more.

But when you tell me that he's got a history of having "a certain problem he can't control" and then you go on to relate all the emotional/practical weirdness you've shared, it signals without a doubt that it really is time to move on.

I promise you that finding someone better (and in this case WAY better) is a lot easier than you think it is.

You can form a terrific connection with someone you click with over the course of just a couple of dates and really get a feel that it could go somewhere positive and wonderful.

But you're going to have to open yourself up to the possibility of freeing yourself from this guy--both physically and emotionally--in order to make that happen.

I understand that you may feel "love" for him now and that you may not be able to see yourself with anyone else.

But it's remarkable how when that "someone else" shows up you end up wondering how you could have ever seen yourself staying with the other person.

[Julia]

Bradwin, that was a wise counsel, thank you.

[The Masterpiece]

Some men play a lot of games with women, especially if they are not as into you as you are into them. He was probably using you to keep his mind off of the other woman while simultaneously making her jealous.