How Do You Talk About Commitment With a Guy...And When?

[Victoria]

I have read dating articles that would tell men not to date for more than a year if marriage wasn't a prospect.

I have shared this with many of my friends and we "get it" and have used it ourselves. However, we are wondering what reaction would you get from men when you told them this?

Also, would you date them all the way to the year date and then say something, or would you remind them along the way at certain intervals like the 3rd month, then the 6th month, etc.?

Would you stop dating a man if certain flags were shot up that indicated strongly that investing a whole year in him would be a mistake?

I guess we just want to get more details and stories as to how this philosophy/strategy worked for you, and how it affected your decisions to stay in or leave a relationship. What did you look for?

[Malvin]

Smiles, role reversal here!

Asking a guy when is it the best time to have "the talk?"

When it comes to letting men know about dating for no more than a year without a commitment, I would suggest to go about communicating this in several ways.

It all depends on the situation.

I always suggest to women that from the very beginning you would ask questions to find out about the man's past dating patterns.

This is an early indicator of what you might expect from a potential relationship.

Then perhaps you would talk about friends who either dated for some years or months and got married then you would get his view on it.

When it was worded this way guys usually spoke their opinions freely. Upon hearing his points, you would also then share your thoughts on the subject as well.

So, you can see that the conversation does not have to be blunt or uncomfortable.

You need not "throw it all on the table", especially very early on.

Even so, contrary to what you may have heard elsewhere, men are usually honest about how they feel about the dating process.

If a guy says he is just looking to date casually then trust that is what he means.

At that point in time he is not planning to becoming serious about marriage.

To presume that you can "change him" would just be setting yourself up for heartbreak.

If, however, he says that he is looking for someone special to share his life with, then let time pass to see how the relationship progresses - which it will.

If after a few months the relationship becomes stuck, then it's time to talk about what direction the relationship should go.

Find out if there is an issue that may need to be addressed in order for the relationship to progress.

Some men use the expression, "If the right woman comes along then yes I would be ready to commit."

That's okay.

It's perfectly fair for a man to be very careful - if not downright picky - about who he enters into an exclusive relationship with.

And this takes TIME.

You don't have to break up right then and there, but unfortunately some women hear "not right now" and think that to automatically mean "never".

But that's not necessarily what he is saying to you.

Indeed, you can express to him that there is a time line. You will not stay around forever.

And that's where the yardstick of a year comes into play.

Assuming you aren't in some preposterous long-distance relationship that severely limits your "face time" with each other, there should be enough information available to you after a year to know if there is a future together or not.

Remember, you are not trying to pin him down to a commitment.

Rather, you are simply interested in gauging whether he thinks there is a future together or not.

If not that is okay.

He's not necessarily a bad guy for not wanting that with you, but if you ARE looking for a long-term committed

relationship then this will mean that it is time to move on.

The good news is that this will free you to find the right man who wants to commit to you, rather than staying indefinitely with a man who may NEVER get around to marrying you.

To address another of your questions, you certainly don't have to wait the full one year to break up.

As soon as it is crystal clear that the relationship will not develop into anything serious then it is time to call off the relationship.

It's important to mean what you say when you end a relationship, too.

In some cases when a man can see that he has lost something great that is when he "wakes up" and realize that you are the one he wants for life.

You can feel free to handle those scenarios on a case-by-case basis.

BUT...I honestly feel that the vast majority of breakups occur for good reason, ultimately.

"Breakup Remorse" is no reason to patch things up in and of itself.

For many, the proverbial grass will be greener no matter which side of the fence he or she is standing on.

So to invite someone back after a breakup could very well mean you are opening yourself to "on again/off again" flakiness.

For the record, yes...I've had to make some heart-wrenching decisions myself, and ended up walking away.

It was not easy. I cried and my heart hurt at the time.

And Yes, a guy does get upset and feel hurt.

But I have a goal in mind.

I wanting to find a great woman to share my life with.

All the pain was worth it.

I know what I am looking for in a woman.

And so will you know what you want in a man!

The key is to keep the conversation light and non-threatening the first few times the subject came up.

Don't be afraid to go after what you want.

Don't let any man waste your precious time.

[Sofia]

Knowing where you stand in his life is very important especially if you are the type of woman who has the move-on-and-keep-looking attitude. Life is too short for us to waste time on someone we can never drag to a place called commitment ville. How do you know that it's time for you to initiate the "commitment talk"? There is no "one size fits all" answer to this question but I believe that if you've been seeing a guy exclusively for more than 3 to 6 months and if you have slept together then anytime after that is considered appropriate. If it's only been a month or two then there's no need to rush and I would suggest using this time for you to get to know each other better. And if I want to get him to beg for a commitment but it's only been a month, what should I do?

Being in this kind of tricky situation has the tendency to ruin the fun for both parties. Don't you find it frustrating when a man obviously cares for you but is not making any moves to commit to you? If you are one of those women who wonder what he will do next instead of enjoying the initial thrills of a new relationship, don't worry because you are not alone. It happens to most of us, we get attached too easily and we invest our time and hearts to a man despite of the fact that he feels beyond our reach. We start to make excuses for him when we are not given what we actually deserve. And then the saga begins, we give him space and try to be understanding about all the other pressures in his life. At the same time, we become infuriated because we aren't getting what we want out of the relationship. Does it have to be this way all the time? The answer is NO.

Get your act together and stop whining about it because you have the power to change the situation and of course you always have a choice whether to stay or leave. The first thing you have to learn when it comes to relationships is that we teach people how to treat us. If you don't love yourself enough then why would you expect for someone to love you the way you wanted? You have to start believing that you deserve something more and you are not going to settle. Don't be in a relationship just because you are afraid to be alone.

Your world does not have to revolve around a man. Know your priorities and don't make him on the top of your list unless you are in his too. Focus on other areas of your life like your career, family, friends, hobbies, etc. If you show a guy that you have a life outside of him and you won't ditch your friends just because someone like him came along, he is going to want to compete for your attention. Men are naturally competitive so use this to your advantage.

Will I get him to beg me for a commitment if I smother him? The answer is simply NO. At the awkward stages of the relationship, you have to set boundaries. Don't give him more than what he is providing in the relationship. Make him work harder; don't just give him the freebies. Stop being clingy or needy because this will scare him away. You are not even in a committed relationship yet and you are already acting that way, he's going to think that it's going to be worst once he finally commits to you.

[Bill]

If you have ever been in a relationship with a guy, then it may not come as a surprise to you to hear that a high number of men seem very non committal when it comes to taking relationships to the next level. This is something that many of us find rather challenging to tackle.

As a result, many women go through their relationships with lots of frustrations as they wonder how they can get out of the rut. However, you should not let this happen to you in case you find that your guy meets this description. Instead of resigning yourself to the situation, you can take measures that will help the guy to crave for a deeper commitment.

You can actually take quite an active role in taking your stalling relationship to the next level through a number of subtle steps. If you would like to succeed in this effort, you should not mention anything to do with serious commitment. You need to watch both what you say and do. It is not subtle to avoid asking him when he considers marrying you but talk about the things you would enjoy in a marriage. Just do not talk about such a serious commitment. In addition, do not leave things around that will bring the thought of marriage in mind.

Trying to sweet-talk the guy into making a serious commitment will do the opposite, as he will try to defend himself. Although some men will clearly state their lack of interest in having a serious relationship, others will simply avoid the issue. In either case, trying to 'talk sense' into your guy will strengthen his resistance.

Let the guy notice your new stance without mentioning it either. He will realize that you no longer mention anything about marriage, and he will be curious as to the reason of your change of attitude. When the man notices that you are not as interested in him as you used to be, he will take measures that will help in winning more of your affection. He will thus take your relationship more seriously. When he realizes that you are not under his grasp, his ego will be deflated.

Men are typically hunters by nature, and when you give your guy something to chase, he will come after you. If the guy is interested in you, he will take your relationship to the next level in order to avoid losing you. Instead of being with him all the time, go out with your girlfriends. In case you have been used to calling him, stop it. When he misses your calls, he will take the initiative to call instead.

Take things a step further by letting some of his calls go unanswered. Show the guy that you have an independent life that does not include him. In this way, you will be able to influence the guy to take things more seriously. A guy who truly cares about you will not take it lightly if he faces the risk of losing you.

[Victoria]

Thank you all for the advice you have given me.

[The Masterpiece]

Don't have sex with him and you will find out if he wants a commitment with you or just your body.