My Boyfriend Go Alone To Strip Clubs

[Bella]

I found out my now boyfriend of 4 years was secretly going to strip clubs when I wasn't around. I am an accountant and at the time was working for a publicaccounting firm so I was averaging 70-80 hour work weeks (not much time for love or lust there). He nevertold me he was going and he was going alone and drinking way to Much. When he finally told me I was extremely hurt. I was working my ass off to make good money, pay the bills and become the power woman I desire to be and my boyfriend, working an average job at 8 hours a day is running around behind my back. Was I not enough? Was he cheating? Is there something wrong with our sex? Why did he lie about it? Why did he go alone, was he doing things he shouldn't have been with the strippers?

[Sammy]

Hmmmmmm...

Where to start with your question?

I feel the best way would be to break it down into bullet points and deal with each point separately so here is my take on the matter...

1. There's a big difference between going to a strip club to look at coked up vacuous women with daddy issues (this is a generalization and I will receive angry comments from strippers because of it) and "running around behind your back.

I totally understand why some women are against strip clubs (and I'm really not into them at all myself).

BUT going to a club where you can pay women to jiggle for you is NOT the same as cheating (unless of course he's actually screwing around with strippers . . . which to me is just not the vast majority of men's style as it is for guys who have problems in their lives.)

2. If you're working 70-80 hours a week and admittedly have no time for lust or love the guy probably feels REALLY ignored and a bit emasculated.

The fact that he's going to strip clubs ALONE and is drowning his sorrows is puddles of booze and is going to strip clubs DURING THE DAY tells me he's depressed about SOMETHING (and having a girlfriend he never sees probably is part of that.)

3. I sense some contempt for your boyfriend in your email, especially when you talk about putting food on the table, how he only works 8 hours a day etc. Contempt is toxic poison for relationships. If you're more driven than he is, make more money, are more of a workaholic.

And a "question" for you to THINK about. Why the heck would you want to work 80 hours a week?

Maybe that's fine with you, but if you're not able to be "OK" with having a boyfriend who isn't like you, you should end the relationship.

4. Finally: You're real question: "Was I not enough?"

No, you weren't to put it BLUNTLY!

You admitted that with your work schedule you just didn't have time for love or lust.

If that went on for months (or years) how could it possibly be enough for anyone?

Let's reverse the sexes for a second and say your boyfriend was working 80 hours a week as he climbed the corporate ladder and just didn't have time for you .

So you found yourself reading romance novels or even getting into a conversation online with a man who actually had time to talk to you . . . (Not a perfect analog to strip clubs, I know.)

In that case plenty of people would give your boyfriend at least partial "blame" for the situation because he wasn't fulfilling your emotional or sexual needs.

So no, you weren't enough.

My gut tells me there are 3 reasons your boyfriend was going to strip clubs.

1. He likes looking at naked women (because he's a guy.)

2. He felt sexually and emotionally abandoned by you because of the demands of your job.

3. He wanted to be "worshipped" and "respected" by women and felt a bit emasculated by his hard-driving power-woman girlfriend. (I'm not saying you did this on purpose and I admire your drive and desire to get to the top. But it's VERY hard for a guy to have a girlfriend who's more "alpha" than he is.

So what do you DO about this?

Well, freaking out and accusing him of cheating isn't going to work (though I bet you found that out in the first place.)

But the key thing you need to understand was that your boyfriend going to strip clubs while you were crunching numbers at the office wasn't really about YOU in the way you want it to be about you.

It was either about basic lust (Like I said, he likes looking at naked girls and having them wiggle for him and you weren't around)

Or about him trying to feel a twinge of self esteem when his was obviously lacking.

So have a dam good think about your relationship with your boyfriend and don't see it as he is the "problem" that it may well be about YOU and your Lifestyle?

[Bella]

Sammy, thank you for your advice.

[The Masterpiece]

Bella, YOU ARE ENOUGH! If you were the problem then he should have had a conversation with you about feeling abandoned. He did what he wanted. He is probably happy you work as much as you do so that he can indulge in that filthy habit. He was probably going to strip clubs before he met you so it has nothing to do with you. Exotic imagery is an addiction for some men and one woman's image is not enough for them. You are NOT the problem, he has a problem. It can be worked out, if he really wants to work it out. But if he doesn't, then you will deal with this until you are tired.