My Boyfriend Is Socially Awkward

[Camila]

I'm in a relationship with a great guy that loves me, respects me and takes care of me. We're both 22 years old.

But his idea of a great night together is staying in, cuddling and going to bed early.

He's not at all sociable; he's not comfortable around people he doesn't know (we share a circle, but he's seen my other friends like twice in a year and a half).

Plus he's not comfortable going out if it's not to dinner or a movie.

However, he's told me that he believes I deserve someone who takes me out.

In light of this, I was wondering where is the limit between trying to change someone and expecting for him to compromise?

[Clinton]

Hello Camila:

Now...This is a great question, Camila.

That boundary between expecting some cooperation in a relationship as opposed to manipulative "bending" someone to change into our liking isn't always clearly defined, is it?

Issues such as what to eat, where to live, and what activities to engage in may come up...and even couples who adore each other might not always agree.

In the perfect world things would be done OUR way, right?

Just kidding of course...that can never be expected.

So what should be done when disagreements arise...especially when it comes to matters so critical to the flow of our relationships?

When major difference happen in a relationship, we should consider the following:

1) Is the problem something we can solve with an acceptable cooperation that will make both of us happy? Or...

2) Would one of us have to give up a big part of themselves (their core spirit), resulting in feelings of resentment in the long run?

Let use the following example to illustrate how this might work.

A couple both loves eating a variety of cuisines.

Nevertheless, there will be days where they disagree on where or what to eat.

Generally speaking, is there a solution with an acceptable compromise that will make both of them happy?

The answer is absolutely YES.

Would one of them be giving up a big part of themselves (their core spirit) resulting in feelings of resentment in the long run?

Not likely...at least I would like to think not!

This is when cooperation is important and should be readily attainable by two reasonable people.

Perhaps there's a "middle ground"...perhaps a restaurant with an eclectic menu.

Or one day she can pick a place and the next time he can pick.

However, what if one partner (or both) refuses to make a fair compromise?

Unfortunately, not everyone has grown up to understand the concept of sharing, cooperation and fairness.

And let's face it, such a person is going to have to mature a bit before he or she is ready to be one half of a great relationship, right?

But another thing to consider is that this can also be a BIG RED FLAG that he or she may not be deeply romantically in love with you...or at least not as much so as the other partner is.

When this is the case, the partner who refuses to cooperate may feel as if he might as well try to "get away" with whatever he or she chooses too, expecting that the other person will simply "put up with it".

This is part of the dangerous pattern of relationships where someone feels as if he or she has "settled".

In fact, be sure to make this one of your deal breakers.

Never stay with someone who expects (or even demands) you to almost always give in, with very little flexibility in return.

But what if you're in a relationship where there are consistent areas that require heavy-duty compromise on a regular basis.

Is there any chance that EITHER of you will change?

Let's look at another example to illustrate that one as well.

If one person eats a variety of foods and the other one eats, say...only hot dogs, you have a serious problem indeed.

Someone will HAVE to change.

The person who gives up the variety foods in exchange for just hot dogs would be giving up a part of him or herself.

Perhaps we could attempt to force the other person who likes hot dogs to give in by making him or her eat meals he or she doesn't like, but that would involve a RADICAL change on his or her part.

Is there a solution with an acceptable compromise that will make both of them happy?

Almost assuredly not.

One or both individuals will be disappointed at meal time EVERY TIME...resulting in feelings of resentment in the long run,

Camila, in your case your boyfriend inherently enjoys just staying home and being around what's familiar to him.

The thought of compromise is not an option in to him, since this is a part of his core personality...it's part of his being, essentially.

He may be a great guy and might like having you around, but he's being honest with you when he tells you that he believes you deserve someone who takes you out more often.

He knows he cannot - and in fact will not - live up to your expectations.

What's more, the fact that he so glibly speaks of you deserving someone else may signal that he hopes YOU ACT ON THAT.

It's not unheard of for guys to stay in less-than-perfect relationships simply because they don't want to deal with the breakup.

They may be worried about "making you cry" or whatever.

Indeed, it's not uncommon AT ALL for guys to underestimate not only your emotional fortitude as a women but also your desire to hear the truth rather than being strung along.

And let's face it, on the other hand it would be TRAGIC if you gave up your desire to get out of the house and have some fun for the sake of "bending" to his boredom....especially if he isn't so crazy about you anyway.

So right he is. Camila, you DO deserve someone who wants to enjoy life with you to the fullest.

Remember always, cooperation can be good for a relationship as long as it does not overstep the boundaries of either partner's core being.

[Camila]

Clinton, thank you for your helpful advice. I will do as you have said.