Husband is angry at me for no reason n mistreats me constantly

[Sparklywater]

I am in despair and pain. I dont know what to do. I fell in love with this guy who because of his family's dissapproval, ended up ghosting me after four years of being in a relationship. Then I met someone else who I ended up being engaged to. When the first guy found out, he started begging me to forgive him and give him a second chance. So I broke up my engagement and ended up marrying the first guy, because I believed his words of seeking forgiveness and promising to treat me better. However, he kept asking me about how my sexual relationship was with my ex fiance and because I still had anger towards him for ghosting me in a terrible way and now coming and asking me about my sexual past, I told him that it was better than it was when Im with him. I only said that because I was still angry about what he had done to me by ghosting me after four years and only asking forgiveness when he heard im with someone else. So now im married to him and he constantly mistreats me and gets angry at me because I said that my sex lofe with my ex fiance was better. I tried explaining to him that it isnt so and that I was just saying that before because of my hurt feelings, and genuinly I dont even think that, but hes such a stubborn man he is refusing to listen and constantly shuts me down, snaps at me, gets angry at me, talks to me in a harsh, cold manner unprovoked, and in return I plead with him and cry to him to please stop hurting me and I dont even get agry in return, but even theb, he continues to be harsh and cold and I am crying everyday because of him. I really regret giving him a second chance because he is so ungrateful about it, I forgave him for the way he ghosted me but he continues to hurt me all the tie by snapping at me and getting angry and shutting me down when I need to vent. He clais his misbehaviour is due to me claiming 9 months ago that i had a better sex life with my ex, even though I didnt mean it and dont even think so! So he uses that reason to justify his emotional abuse to me. Im married to this man and unfortunately I literally am trapped because I have no where to go, no house to go back to, no job, no country to call my own, nothing. I feel like the only reason im not filing for divorce is because I dont have anywhere else to go, literally. I feel like recently his mistreatment has escalated and honestly my love and respect for this man has morphed into hatred for him and he is not worthy or deserving to be my husband, I hate him for hurting me n I feel as though he tricked me into giving him a second chance. Because everyday I try to be a good wife to him and everyday I try to cater to his needs and show him love and appreciation but he takes me and my second chance for granted completely. Ive started to kind of get scared when I speak to him in fear he will get angry and snap at me, Ive started not confiding in him anymore, Ive started regretting marrying him, Ive started to hate him and wonder if I married someone else, I would have been treated better. I used to think the world of him and would never come to an online forum to vent because I used to be able to vent to him, but I feel too emotionally unsafe to vent to that man and I feel like there is no point of doing so because he wont understand, he will not empathetize but instead think selfishly and he will just snap at me and make me cry. He just doesnt get me anymore and he has made my life a hell because Im emotionally affected so badly that I cant sleep properly, I lost my appetite, I am constantly fearing his messages and calls and dreading them( its a long distance relationship temporarily) and im fearing him ghosting me once again even though now hes my husband. I just lost my trust in him. When I think of him, I feel betrayed and I feel hatred towards him. I dont feel respect and love for him anymore. I dont know what to do. Please can someone provide some support and empathy, I am in desperate need for any sympathy as I have no one to confide in, because I dont want any of my freinds and family to find out as they know him. Please help me as I am breaking apart here alone.
This a text from him, telling me that its justified how he is treating me because of me saying 9 months ago about me and my ex's sex life( which by the way as I previously mentioned, isnt true and I dont feel that way at all, infact I only see my husband attractive and no one else, and I keep telling him but he doesn listen, to the point where I have stopped finding him attarctive due to the way he keeps on persisting on this topic until he pushes me away from him in all aspects. Here is his text, please let me know honestly what you think::

'Look any man wants to be in a relationship where their women only loves them and sees them as the best in all asepcts of life and no other man.

And I've loved u since I was a kid and imagine how much I want that.

Yet, I feel like you like other man more physically (regardless of what you say) so it's very hard for me to be fully committed in this relationship.

So anyway I was trying my best to fix it so I put all that aside and I tried to fix it and give you your needs and heal you a little. So I did my best and you felt a little better. But I didn't get anything. All I wanted was some time before we go into physical things again. And I don't mean cave time. I mean let me take care of u and listen to u venting and do everything else normally but you just be patient with me when it comes to physical things. Especially compliments. This is because I told u that u never compliment me like your ex and you never responded even though on text and voice you tried to respond to everything. You even said you will say something against my points on the phone because you didn't get to on the text. And you said you're doing this so I don't say later you didn't address some points. Yet you didn't address that point. And that's why every time I tell u don't try and change my mind but if you are going to then do it properly otherwise it's gonna make me feel worse. Because not only did I not get convinced on any points I got a fresh spear in my heart about one of the points.

Now imagine how resentful and trapped I feel in this relationship where I feel like my wife likes other men more but I'm trying to forget it and give her need and hoping I will forget about it and that night after a stressful day about visa and not knowing who were going to use for accommodation, the first thing you want from me is complements. When the whole day all I've been thinking about is she doesn't compliment me like her ex. And now you're not talking about anything but me complimenting you. And no matter how much I try and move the topic on you get more and more into it and I'm getting mor and more hurt.

Now your venting in general is triggered which I would have preferred you done from the beginning so I could take care of u. But now you done in reaction to me doing something wrong in my eyes which makes it difficult for me to take care of u. And we've had rhus discussion befreo in out relationship too. For many years. I've told u I wanna take care of u and hear u vent but not when it starts as reaction to my feelings or needs. If u have something in your heart then come to me and tell me you want to vent rather than waiting for a trigger because I feel like you're using the venting safety blanket of not listening to block me from my emotions whilst getting your needs.'

[Rachael]

Women all over the world have faced verbal, emotional and physical abuse since the beginning of time. Finding help now can help reduce the risk that your verbally abusive husband will begin to act out physically.

He Controls You

If you feel as if your verbally abusive husband tries to control everything you do, and you often feel as though nothing you say or do pleases him, then you are at risk of becoming a domestic violence victim.

• Controlling men want to know your schedule, down to the minute.
• You may often be accused of scheming or cheating if you are late.
• You feel as though you're being prevented from talking with friends and family members.

These are just a few signs of an overly controlling man. While a little possessiveness is normal, you should never feel as if your husband is stalking you. In some places, threats and other controlling tactics are illegal. You deserve to feel safe, and as an adult, you have personal rights no one can take away. Online counseling is confidential and you may find that it's just what you need to break free of a controlling, verbally abusive husband.

He Scares You

A verbally abusive husband will do anything to make you feel bad. It might have started with name calling, and maybe he even makes threats or breaks things. He might be threatening your pets or making terrible statements about your family. If you're scared of your husband, you need to find help right away.

He Blames You for Problems

Often, a verbally abusive husband will blame his wife for everything that goes wrong, even when she has nothing to do with the situation at hand. He'll blame you for the fact that he had a bad day at work, and he'll blame you for bad traffic. He'll find a way to insult and blame you for everything, until one day, you finally start to believe that his problems really are your fault.

Don't buy into the blame game. If you feel like you're being unjustly accused of causing problems for your husband, and you've tried to please him time and again, you can be sure things will not improve without intervention. Get help now.

He is Unpredictable

Abusive men are unpredictable. Many victims of abuse talk about how they felt as if they were always walking on eggshells in their own homes - afraid that any little statement or action would throw their abuser into a tirade against them.

A marriage is meant to be a loving partnership - not a life of terror and subservience. You have value as a person, whether your husband realizes it or not. He may apologize each time he verbally abuses you, but apologies mean nothing if not acted upon. Professional counseling will help you find the inner strength you need to live your life happily - without abuse.

[Shirley]

A scientist conducted an experiment. She put frog number one into a pan of very hot water. The frog jumped right out. Then she placed frog number two in a pan of cool water. This frog didn't jump out. Very gradually, the scientist raised the temperature of the water. The frog gradually adapted until it boiled to death. - Anonymous

Being in a relationship where there is verbal abuse conditions the spouse that is being abused just like the second frog in the above example. Many times partners of verbal abuse only recognize the abuse once they are away for a while.

Verbal abuse may be overt - name calling, angry outbursts, or attacks of characters like, "You're just too sensitive". But it also can be covert or hidden. Statements like, "What do you mean? I didn't mean that" when the abuser did mean that can drive a person crazy.

The book by George Bach and Ronald Deutsch "Stop! You're Driving Me Crazy", state that often times the spouse of verbal abuse feels or experience some of the following;

•Feeling temporarily thrown off balance or caught off guard •Receiving double messages but somehow unable or fearful to ask for clarification.

•Feeling generally "bugged" by the simple presence of a person.

•Where one assumed goodwill, ill will seems to prevail

•One feels pushed around, not in control of one's own direction.

•An uneasy weird feeling of emptiness

•Feeling vaguely suspicious that something is wrong

If a partner is able to validate their own feelings they will sometimes recognize that they feel diminished, hurt, unrecognized, discounted, made fun of, ignored and others.

In the book, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans, she describes the general characteristics of verbal abuse and categorizes verbal abuse. I highly recommend this book if you relate to what follows.

Characteristics of Verbal Abuse

1. It is hurtful- especially when it is denied

2. It attacks the nature and abilities of partner

3. It can be covert or overt

4. Verbally abusive disparagement may be voiced in an extremely sincere and concerned way

5. It is manipulative and controlling

6. It is insidious - disregards, disrespects and devalues the partner

7. It is unpredictable

8. It is the real issue in the relationship

9. It expresses a double message- incongruence between the way the abuser speaks and real feelings

10. It usually escalates, increasing in intensity, frequency, and variety.

I know in many relationships people think of abuse only in terms of physical abuse. "He isn't hitting me so how could I be abused?" Love relationships are the arena where we want love, support, acceptance, nurturing, intimacy - both emotional and physical, validation and someone to "have our back". This is a place in healthy relationships where "two are better than one". In abusive relationships there is stress, tension, a feeling on being unsafe, a feeling of being out of balance, squashed, stymied, dragged down and can lead to low self-esteem and depression.

See if you can identify any of these.

1. Withholding -a choice to keep one's thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams to themselves and to remain silent and aloof toward one's partner.

2. Countering - arguing against partners thoughts, perceptions, experience which denies the victims reality and prevents the abuser from knowing or accepting his partners views

3. Discounting - denying the experience of the partner of the abuse. "Oh you don't know what you are talking about" or "You're making a big deal out of nothing"

4. Verbal Abuse Disguised as a Joke -" You couldn't find your head if it wasn't attached"

5. Blocking and Diverting - the topic is changed and none of the abuser's diversion answers the partner's questions in a thoughtful and considerate way.

6. Accusing and Blaming- A verbal abuse will accuse his partner of some wrongdoing and blame his partner of his anger. " You're just trying to pick a fight" or "You're looking for trouble"

7. Judging and Criticizing - "You can't take a joke" "You idiot" " I wouldn't have done it that way"

8. Trivializing - what you have done or said is insignificant.

9. Undermining - this not only withholds emotional support, but also erodes confidence. "Why bother!" "Who asked you?"

10. Threatening- manipulates the partner by bringing up her greatest fears.

11. Name Calling

12. Forgetting - the declaration by the abuser that what happened didn't is abusive

13. Ordering - " Get rid of this" "You're not going out now"

14. Denial - "I never said that" "You're getting upset about nothing!"

If you recognize any of these going on I recommend that you pick up a book or go see a counselor because left on your own, it will likely get worse.

[Scot]

Take a trip down memory lane. Go back to when you were first married. Think about why the two of you fell in love. Are they still alive in your marriage?

Sometimes, when couples are married, they tend to get 'comfortable' with each other. Sometimes we take each other for granted - not meaning to, but we think that our spouse will be there, no matter what. By thinking this way, we stop trying to show our spouse how much we love them. We just assume that they know that we love them, and we go on with our daily routine.

When you don't take the time to tell each other that you love them, the feelings start to fade. Your husband may well indeed love you, he may just assume that you know that, without him telling you.

At one time, I felt totally alone in my marriage. Unloved and unappreciated. I felt like the only reason I was in a marriage was to do 'wifely' things - cook, clean, raise the kids, etc. My husband wondered why I was so miserable, and I told him. I felt like I was just there to be there - I didn't feel loved at all. He never knew that I felt that way. He told me he does love me, very much, and now he takes steps to show me once in a while.

It doesn't take much - just a hug for no reason, or a touch when passing each other. I never knew how much of a difference that even a little bit of physical contact made, and I certainly never dreamed it would bring loving feelings back into my marriage!

You have to remember to do things for your husband, too. Especially if you have kids. Kids tend to take a lot of energy out of us. At the end of the day, all we want to do is go to sleep. It is very important to remember that you need to spend time with your husband. You don't have to talk, you can just sit and watch tv or a movie. Whatever you do, just do it together.

When you're asking yourself how to get your husband to love you again, treat him like you want to be treated. Maybe he feels the same way you do. All it takes is one little touch, or a few small words to make a huge difference in a marriage, especially when you find yourself feeling this way.