This is a long and complicated story, please help.

[SomeRandomDude]

I need relationship advice. I've been dating a girl for about 3-4 weeks now, but I don't know how things are going, it's my first relationship. And things started off more like from highschool or middle school. She decided to ask me out because she's had a crush on me for a year (btw, 19 m). And I didn't have anything against her, so I said yes and we become a couple. We had our first date at a khols clothing store, which honestly was kind of boring for me, but she liked it. For probably the first 30 minutes to an hour she showed me a bunch of board things that had messages saying stuff like "you are my world" or "I love you to the moon and back" and other cheesy romantic decorations. Then we looked at clothes and she kept showing me clothes she thought I'd look good in, as well as clothes she thought looked good on herself. When I'd choose a shirt or pants that I'd like she would most likely say no or that it doesn't fit my style, like 75% of the time. And if I chose something that I thought looked good on her she'd pretty much disregard it claiming it'd be bad for her. And I'd try to talk to ask her stuff about herself and talk about myself, but she really wasn't interested in doing either. So overall I honestly didn't enjoy the first date. So I told her that I had to go to eat dinner, said the date was fun, and left. After dinner though I see that I have like 27 missed calls from her and a 28 is going on. So I pick it up (first not knowing who it is, then wondering how she got my number because I never gave it to her) and she's all distressed that I left without giving her a kiss. I didn't really like her very well so I just didn't give her one, I intended to go at my own pace. But she manages to whine and beg and pressure me into kissing her, so I go back and kiss her. She drags me into a changing room and that's where we kiss. It wasn't bad, I enjoyed it. But I really didn't feel like it was the right thing to do. So I tried to push her away and leave, but things got worse. As soon as we stopped kissing she took off her shirt and bra, showing me her boobs. And you have to understand, this was my first time seeing real boobs, I was dumb struck. I asked what I was supposed to do and she only responded with, "you can do whatever you want, I'm fine with anything as long as you do it, I don't care what you do to me". At the time I thought this was wierd, but as a horny teenage boy I decided to touch them a bit. So I fondled and licked, and sucked, and other things I don't really remember or care about, or that I should go into detail. But we resume kissing and this time French kissing and making out. While that happens she starts grabbing and rubbing my dick and takes my hand between her legs. At my hesitation she tells me to rub and I do so. So the two of us are like this for a while until she has to go. The next day at like 5 in the morning she calls me and says she had a great time, asks me what I'm doing, where I'm at, how I'm feeling, and if I'm with anyone. Then she asks to go on a second date. I originally refused because I really didn't like her too much, and because things were going a little too quickly for me. But I disregard this thinking that nothing is going to happen, and wanting to learn how to kiss a girl I decide to go. Same place as before, similar events. The only difference is that I bring her/wonder into the changing room and decide to kiss some more. So we go into a stall to kiss, things heat up, I get to play with her boobs some more. But when it came to rubbing down below I hesitated again. So she took my hand and forced it down her pants. And I actually feel it and stick my fingers in for the first time. At the time I was absolutely mesmerized and extremely horny, so I decided to keep doing whatever we were doing. In the end she got naked, and I fingered her and ate her out for about an hour. When the excitement dies down though and I realized what happened I freak out. I ask my friends for advice, and they say to go on another date. So the next morning is the same routine as before. But this time I try suggesting other dates, like Starbucks or a park or somewhere else other than khols. But she insists on khols saying that we've been going on dates while she was supposed to be working. At this I refuse to go on dates while she's working because I don't want to be a distraction or anything. But she pressures me into going, claiming that she got her work done quickly and needed someone to talk to. This is a big mistake because I find her in the changing room again. I try to get somewhere more public, but she refused to move, claiming that she wants to tell me something in private. So I go into the stall, she closes and locks the door and starts kissing me. She pins me down on the bench and leans into me. I don't kiss her back at first, but eventually give in. This leads into the same situation as before, except we end up doing the deed. I enjoyed it and had fun, but all we've done is sexual acts. So I take some time off and ignore her, because I know she wants to do it again. She calls constantly throughout the day like 200+ calls. After about 3 days she meets me at work and we talk about it, I tell her that I enjoyed it, but that I want to go on normal dates. She agrees, and we end up going on 2 other non sexual dates. They are completely normal, and I enjoy learning about her and talking. But it was really one sided, everything was about her and she just wasn't interested in me. I learned some things about her such as her height, ethnicity, family life, interests, and favorite food, however I still don't know much about her, and she doesn't know anything about me. But for the most part she doesn't really have any personality or quirks or anything. And it turns out we don't have anything in common to talk about. Well, we eventually go back to khols and have sex, this time things go well, but I notice that our sizes and experience makes it extremely difficult and unsatisfying for me. She hardly understands anything about it and just has me doing all the work. She'd refuse giving head, or doing anything sexual to me, when I asked for it. When we finally were able to find a position that worked (we have an extremely huge hieght difference, most positions are very hard. so we tried having her riding) she still had me do all action while she just enjoyed it. When she wants to do it again I ask to go on another normal nonsexual date, but she refused insisting on khols. I tell her it's illegal to perform sexual acts in public and that we should stop doing it at khols, but she claims khols is a good place because there's no cameras or wire taps, and that no one will know. So propose doing it at her house, she says they're doing reconstruction; my house, too far and out of the way; a love hotel, costs money and hard to find; so she continues insisting on khols. So I refused to go and am currently ignoring her again. I'm trying to figure out how I feel about her, and this thing, and what I should do. Honestly, I don't know if this relationship is healthy for either of us. I don't know how I feel about her, but I know she's in love and obsessed with me. She's like a Yandere or bunny boiler, and is already planning our lives together and tries centering herself in my life. I've found myself having less time for family and friends and hobbies. I've tried breaking up, but she absolutely refuses to let that happen, sometimes almost stalking me to confront me about it. At this point its been an extremely on again off again relationship. I freak out because I don't want to continue things with her, she calls and texts me, from some random public phone or one of her friends phones, we some how get back together and have sex again, and the routine starts over. If anything I'd say our relationship only revolves around sex, because she loves it and I want it, and currently she's the only girl who has ever been interested in me, and I kind of enjoy it but it also kind of doesnt work well between us. Like I'm stuck doing all the work during it. I want some public advice, can this relationship work? If so, how? I've tried communicating and compromising with her, but she doesn't want to. I've confronted her that all she wants is sex, but she claims that's not true and that she wants a real relationship. I need external opinion on our relationship. I would really appreciate the help.

[Roy]

Relationships are not working for most singles and couples. After hundreds of workshops with singles and couples we have discovered a critical need to redesign relationships for the future. Most singles and couples find it difficult to find healthy role models in their community.

94% of high school students plan to get married and have children, not because they lack exposure to dysfunctional families, but because their unconscious minds have been programmed to think marriage is expected. Expectations lead to disappointment, upset and unrealistic desires.

Most relationships are based on trial and error. We resist studying relationships for several reasons: God will provide; our innate ability in selecting a soul mate; or we perceive that we know what we want because we took classes, read some books or took a transformational workshop on the opposite sex. Learning about relationships or your partner is a lifetime journey, not a weekend experience.

A relationship blueprint for life should consist of life-long learning. The learning process must start with you learning who you are in the formula. Why study someone else when you don't know yourself? It takes time, effort and money to understand and identify deep emotional scars from childhood.

Very few couples get pre-marital counseling. Everyone has to take a written test and a driver's test to get a driver's license, an eye exam before getting glasses and even a test to drive a boat. However, there is no test required to have a baby or to be a parent; a parent who is responsible for the nurturing, training and psychological well-being of that child. Most people test drive cars for speed, performance, and comfort. When it doesn't feel right or the price is too high, we make other choices.

In relationships, the more we want or desire a potential partner, the logic is lost and emotions lead our conscious mind down the road to making poor decisions. When reality and pain hits your conscious mind, you begin to re-assess your relationship requirements and create a course of action for the completion or modification of the relationship.

Relationship testing should be legally required for every adolescent and adult before issuing a marriage certificate and planned parenthood has to be more than birth control. A proposed marriage of 50-75 years deserves more than a weekend class and a test to insure success, which is more than what most couples do today. Couples who take pre-marital programs have a higher success rate than couples using the trial and error method.

Co-habitation is on the rise, and has a 67% higher failure rate than marriage, which is 50%. Co-habitation in the next 25 years will be the preferred method of partnership. It seems to provide more freedom and individuality. However, the government issued marriage certificate still is the ultimate commitment tool; it says without a doubt we are committed to each other, our family and the community.

There will always be room for abandonment and completion for co-habitation relationships lacking official documentation. It is emotionally challenging for children to refer to their parents as partners, and it's difficult to introduce your partner as a spouse when you do not have legal recourse. Not to mention the legal issues that crop up when a partner dies or becomes sick.

All couples have relationship issues. Co-habitation is not the cure for poor role skills, dysfunctional or failed relationships and failed marriages. If you are in a relationship, you have issues; it's how you relate to the issue that is the issue. Do you have the ability to have the issue or does the issue have you? Look and see who has the issue and loss of power.

Most authentic and open communications occur during heated disagreements. When you do not care, you have room to be authentic, you have no vested interest in looking good, being disliked is not a concern and what you see is what you get. Why do some of us have to be upset to be authentic? Who wants the person behind door number one or two?

There is a shadow side of us that we desperately hide from ourselves. This shadow side is not to deny, but to embrace as part of our total being. Being authentic and accepted is one of the keys to a long and successful relationship. Everyone has to risk their relationship with a partner who can accept them in their most vulnerable state of authenticity. What we see is usually very different and far from what we get in relationships.

Communication is one of the vehicles we use to connect. However, we communicate more by physical than verbal language. Since most people are unaware of their body language, their actions speak louder than words. Women can communicate sexuality or fear with their bodies and men can produce stoic views of doom and disconnection. Communication is an art form that requires confirmation, validation and reflections of empathy, without judgment, but with total acceptance in order to be heard and understood. Body language should be a class taught in school, so children can understand the unconscious messages they are constantly broadcasting to the universe.

Listening classes, starting in grammar school, would prevent and decrease the divorce rate because most partners believe they are never heard, much less understood. When you're incapable of resolving conflicts through communication, issues become problems and time is never an asset, frustration is increased, intimacy is decreased and trust becomes a topic of concern. Some experts say that a successful relationship can be predicted by how fast a couple can resolve conflict. It is never the issue that destroys relationships. Issues may be resolved or not. How and when you resolve the issues has more impact on the success of a relationship.

Here are more points of interest as we head into the new era of relationships:

• Long-term commitments are replaced with mini-marriages.
• Sexual attraction is the main requirement for most singles.
• Some women are better men than most men.
• Independent and successful women are challenged to find suitable partners.
• Women are waiting longer to have children, sometimes alone.
• More women are adopting and raising children alone.
• More married and single women are having affairs outside of committed relationships.
• Many women in relationships are not happy with their sex life.
• Money still remains the number one reason for divorce.
• More children are being raised by single women.
• Women outnumber men in attendance in workshops, seminars and churches.

Great relationships start with the individual. Our thinking is solidified in the unconscious past, which focuses on the other person. We are unconsciously trained for dysfunctional relationships. Our brains are wired to operate as mammals, but our emotional needs have taken over our ancestral need for safety, protection, food and shelter.

Our feelings guide us to seek and satisfy our sexual needs with soul mates and pretty partners, not with regular people who have the ability to be life-long friends, partners and parents. Intelligence is not a factor in looking good, great bodies do not equate to sexual satisfaction and money is not a requirement for successful relationship. Today AIDS is more common, but very few people admit they have AIDS and you never know who you are sleeping with before it's too late.

Know yourself, know your partner - take the time to learn about you and then take the time to listen and learn about your partner. Hasty decisions may lead to a lifetime of unhappiness and struggle. Take the time now to make the best most knowledgeable decisions about your relationship as we head into the next era.

[Michael]

A clingy girlfriend is a sure ingredient for disaster in any relationship. She may not be aware of all the negative psychological and even physical consequences that her behavior has on you. A healthy relationship should be a place to feel safe and to grow individually and as a couple. Compromises are key, and if your relationship feels more like a hostage situation than a partnership, it's time to reexamine some things.

But can you get out of a relationship with a clingy girlfriend? You can get so accustomed to the situation that you never do anything about it. Or you may be too uncomfortable to bring up trouble issues because you're afraid of the response. After all, there's no telling how a jealous girlfriend can react to bad news. Maybe you can't find the strength to leave because you genuinely don't want to hurt her or see her cry, or you feel that she relies on you too much and will not be able to survive on her own. Or maybe there are more practical reasons that hold you back, like a child, a shared lease, or a common pet. Of course none of these are good reasons to stay in a toxic relationship.

Or maybe you have no desire to maintain the relationship at all and are just putting off the inevitable breakup. Perhaps a family gathering or a special occasion is coming up, or an important work event is on the horizon, or you are just waiting for the ideal opportunity. The truth is, there is never an ideal time to break off a relationship. If anything, by delaying the inevitable you are doing both her and yourself a disservice by wasting time that could be spent on healing or finding a new relationship.

If your relationship is worth saving, communicating about the problem and possible solutions is critical. Let your partner know that you feel like she's gripping the reigns in the relationship too tightly, and you feel that more freedom would benefit you both. It is important to establish open lines of communication where you can discuss problems together without hesitation or fear.

[Elliot]

Relationships should be a place for growth and comfort for both partners. If you feel like you no longer desire to be in a relationship, but feel stuck because of your clingy partner, you need to resolve to leave. No matter if your relationship is 2 months or 10 years, sometimes it dawns on you: "This is no longer working for me." Maybe you've realized that the relationship is unhealthy, or maybe you just feel like moving on.

Regardless, you should never feel like you're stuck in a relationship, staying simply for your partner's benefit. This isn't only unfair to you; it's unfair to your partner, who needs to find someone who truly wants to be with her.

Obviously, it's your obligation to let your partner know how you feel, so that you can both move on. However, sometimes it's not so simple. If you're partner is needy, clingy, and has a co-dependent relationship style, leaving can feel close to impossible. This is compounded in the case where the man is conflict-avoidant.

Unfortunately, the combination of needy girl and conflict-avoidant guy is a common one. This is why so many guys are stuck in unhappy relationships. Don't let that guy be you!

Instead of allowing the relationship to go on forever, you need to set a course to break up. Although it may seem difficult, you can do it if you just follow a few simple steps.

Take some time for yourself to gain clarity on the matter. You have to decide with certainty that you're ready to leave. Even if you're already sure, it's important that you take some time for yourself just prior to the break-up. This will help you gain confidence in your decision, AND it will get you out from under her influence so. At this time, you can summon up some of the power it's going to take to follow through.

Understand that you will NEED to go through with this. You may have existed in a relationship for years where you did everything to please her, and despite all that, she may hate you from now on. You simply have to accept that if you're going to go through with this.

When you come back from your time away, tell her that you've made up your mind that you need to leave this relationship. If you think that she will go berserk, you may need to do this over the phone or in writing (a letter or email). YES, that's right: A letter or email may be the most appropriate way to do this. Despite what every other break up article says, sometimes it feels impossible to break up in-person, and it's better to do it over the phone or through a letter than to wait several years while you build up the courage.

Let her know that you know for certain that it's time to move. Tell her that you don't regret your time together, but that you've felt this way for a little while, and you know that she'd want to do this as soon as possible. Be as compassionate as possible, but remember: Sometimes feelings cannot be expressed logically. Don't get hung-up on trying to answer all her questions -- sometimes the answer is simple, "Sorry, I don't know why I feel this way, but I do."

Take steps to separate ASAP. If she wants to persist in talking about it, you may have to tell her that you no longer wish to discuss the decision, otherwise you may be talking about it forever. Do not suggest that you two will be friends -- that rarely works out well, especially in these circumstances.

Once you've separated, take time to learn from your mistakes, read some material about healthy relationships, and savor your newly-found freedom!

[Paul]

With proper preparation and tact, you can gently let her down, thus, reducing the damage and protecting your romantic status. When you've adequately prepared enough to spill the breakup beans to her, use these below to soften the blow.

Know what to say

As soon as you commence the break up talk, every word that you'll say is going to carry the weight of a cargo train, so don't give a cold shoulder. Rather, regroup your thoughts, embed them in your memory and as much as possible rehearse your "speech." Doing a couple of run-throughs will help you to refine your choice of words, as much as possible prevent improvisation, get yourself acquainted with the terrain, which has a foul implication of catapulting you in the territory that will crush her.

Choose the right place

Certain circumstances let's you have a cordial farewell, otherwise twist the blade. Go with the former by choosing a neutral venue. If not, your girlfriend will link her favorite places in your locale to a tearful goodbye. So when you find your breaking zone, concentrate on the timing. Consider her time most especially her schedule, she might not be able to beat a deadline if she's a total wreck. Lastly, pencil her in for a schedule when she has an hour to spare. Ending your relationship in a respectful manner isn't an "Oh, and I totally forgot" scenario. Not to mention, she'll give a silent thank you to you afterward for giving her the time to redo her makeup.

Be honest

When your 10 year old cousin asks how much bench press you do lying should be acceptable, but if we're talking about backing out of your relationship with your girlfriend, your only redeeming weapon is the facts. Though this does not permit you to tell your girlfriend about her shortcomings; getting dumped hurts ten thousand times than getting your tooth extracted, and men who add salt to the wound are asking for pepper spray. If you must, try to sugarcoat those brutal parts about her to somehow ease her up on your spiel.

Avoid the blame game

Fault should not wholly be rested on either party's burden. If you don't want to be labeled as a jerk forever, avoid pinning her with a bloody letter. Sending her a letter explaining how bad of a girlfriend she was blah blah blah will only torment her emotionally. Contrariwise, avoid assuming any responsibility with your own version of the famous break up line "It's not you, it's me." Your best chance is to stray away from doing the blame game and keep those pointing fingers out of the scene. Rather, focus your direct attention at the main issue: indifference or incompatibility.

Be compassionate

Your corner of the breakup is no walk in the park; however your girlfriend without a doubt will take the brunt from the explosion. Pausing for a while and imagining yourself in her shoes will give you an insight of the hurt and the pain that you're going to cause her and it would help you determine how to cushion her fall. As an added bonus, compassion will help you dodge any impending land mines and forestall her questions.

Sadly, all breakups are painful, and expect to see her initial reaction mirroring that. Nonetheless, take comfort in the thought that you left your relationship with your girlfriend by taking the best road. All the energy and efforts in ending the relationship in merciful and compassionate way will show in her recuperation and will advance your chances of dating her hot girl friends in the coming months.