Making things work with my boyfriend, rebuilding trust, and letting go

[mayhem505]

Ok, so I'm a 38 year old female, and my boyfriend is 40. We both work full time jobs, live together, and we're both musicians. I'm a single mom and he has no kids.
We have been going out for several months now, but unfortunately, things haven't been going THE greatest.

We have a TON in common, including deeper issues like priorities, family, etc, along with smaller things such as food, music, sex. When things go well, and even when they don't go too well, there is a semblance of family with us - really feels like we are on the same team a good 95% of the time.

But.....we fight fairly frequently, and since I have a female roommate and her boyfriend (who is friends and bandmates with my boyfriend - in fact, that's how we met) is over frequently,
it can be embarrassing at times.

To say dating is a struggle at my age is an understatement, as I had experienced a lot of rejection and betrayal (and pain) over the past several years. My luck, and taste in men, apparently, hasn't served me very well. Really made me reevaluate my past choices, trust, etc.

After doing some soul searching and dating, he and I started dating when I found out from my roommate's boyfriend that he was single again - that things didn't work out with the girl he was seeing when I was introduced to him at a birthday party.

Since we started dating, we have been a huge part of each other's lives, including his family and my son. He came with me in July on a trip to see my family, and it was a huge success.
My son and he have a better connection that even with his real dad, and my boyfriend is practically like my husband at this point.

That said, I felt pretty betrayed when he lied to me yesterday. While searching through his Facebook pictures to find an appropriate pic for our drummer for our band photo, I had seen his ex right before me liked his profile picture, and about 3 months after we started dating. He had said he removed all contact with her before we even began talking, and even tried to say that she probably liked his picture because she was also friends with his friend who posted it of him (which she wasn't). I called him on his dishonesty, and he has been apologetic ever since, saying he thought it "wouldn't be an issue", and he had "forgotten to delete her".

Now bear with me - the reason I've remained friends with recent exes in the past was to keep tabs on that person, should the opportunity ever arise to ever date them again.
While I'm not doing that now, I feel the familiar pang of past relationship woes feeling that "the girl who should be long gone wasn't really".

So now I'm at an impasse. I feel that honesty is important, and for him to lie about something like that may mean that he's also lying about other things, and things of more importance, for that matter. I say this because this is the #1 pattern I have seen in all the "relationships that went wrong" in my past - staying with someone who blatantly lies to serve their own purpose.
Giving them a chance, and then finding out down the road that they didn't deserve it in the first place.

Any advice would be helpful, but be gentle. I should also note that I have depression and anxiety, and I believe my boyfriend does as well.
I just need a gentle way, and an effective way, to let go of my past hurt, release myself from so much anxiety, and learn to love the present.
But also, of course, what to do when you're lied to.....

[Clay]

When you think about trust in your relationship, what does that mean to you? Trust is a very complex, multi-faceted word and can signify different things to different people.

For example, you might define trust as believing whatever your partner says no matter what. You don't have to question or second-guess what he or she says-- if trust is strong.

Or you might consider trust as something that needs to be proved and proved again and again. Perhaps you are more wary and feel that you can't take anything for granted-- even if it means you have to check out what your mate claims from time to time.

You and your partner don't have to approach trust in exactly the same way and you don't need to maintain the same trust rules.

What you do need to do, is be clear about what you believe and require at this point in your life. You also need to know how your mate views trust and then look for the places of overlap between your potentially different views.

What trust agreements can you both make and keep?

Trust can be tricky because it is somewhat a leap of faith. We don't recommend that anyone take this leap without being completely aware and awake.

If there are signs that what your partner is saying doesn't "add" up or seem congruent, then by all means, look for more evidence and ask him or her for more information. We don't suggest spying in just about every case. Spying erodes trust almost as quickly as infidelity does.

Create trust agreements with your partner based on the trust rules and beliefs that the two of you hold. Make sure that the agreements you make are ones that you both can keep.

Even if your partner has a history of cheating, you both need to be following the trust agreements you make.

If you find yourself fearing that your partner is cheating or betraying you in some way, return to your trust agreements. See if there is a way that you can preserve trust by keeping the agreements you made while at the same time getting the information you require to address your fears.

Keep in mind that sometimes the best way to handle fears or jealousy is to check within to see if your emotions are really linked to past experiences. Come into the present moment and rely on what you know to be true instead of guesses or assumptions.

Know that when you talk clearly and honestly about trust and you each follow your agreements, you can rebuild trust in even the most difficult circumstances. Take the leap with your eyes and your heart wide open.

[Anthony]

Life is a continual learning experience. The processes in life may not seem to make sense at the moment, but if you're capable of standing back and being objective its beautiful lesson will become clear to you. We cannot gain this valuable knowledge if we cannot let go of the emotional aspects that keep us trapped in the pain of the moment. It only reflects our inability to cope with the situation, and ultimately will lead us to the same situation under a different circumstance.

Letting go of our insidious thoughts is an incredibly difficult thing to do. We train our own minds over time to support our points of view, like in the break up of relationships, or being fired from a job. We blame others rather than look at ourselves. We find those who will listen not from an objective and beneficial point of view, but rather from someone who promotes our negativity which in turn seems to justify our poor attitudes.

We all understand that what we are is reflected back at us through life. Everything we are and every thing we do is a reflection of our thoughts. We can only control what is in our power to control. We have no control over what other people do, think, or say. So why should you spend time thinking and manifesting false ideas over what others are doing, thinking, or saying?

Release your mind from your own self imposed paranoia. Many of the things that run through your mind simply drain you of energy, and take away valuable time where you could be contemplating a positive outcome to your situations. If you're going through a break up, don't sit and think about your ex. Their actions are their lessons, not yours. They will figure themselves out.

Take time to reflect upon what you have contributed the situation. Were you honest with yourself in the relationship? Could you have done better? Did you listen to your partner? When we look back we can see where things went wrong in us and in the relationship. But many people cast far too much blame from being hurt to benefit from that opportunity. The focus should be on you, and how you can deal with things better so that you can have better relationships in the future.

Before we can move on we must let go of the baggage we carry from previous relationships. It is called baggage because of its negative connotations. We can't be happy when we are seeking it with tainted vision. We must find solace within ourselves. It's a private and soulful search. Where we must find happiness in us, and stop feeling guilty for how we truly feel. Happiness is derived by being true to oneself. Being in a relationship that doesn't make you happy, or in a job that makes you miserable, will only plant seeds of malcontent and negative thought within you that is hard to remove.

One step at a time, one issue at a time, let go of the negative thought processes within you so you may look at the world in a positive and beneficial light. Circumstance may not always bring you what you want or in the manner you want. There will certainly be disappointment and pain, but you have a choice to look at the situations in the right way. With wisdom and experience, so that you may not repeat those mistakes of the past, and be better enabled to make good decisions so you feel confidence, awareness and a positive state of mind.

[Rachael]

When we love someone we're willing to turn a blind eye to their failings. But there is world of difference between failing to pick up your dirty clothes and repeatedly lying. If he doesn't change his behavior, consider ending this liaison. You deserve better, sweet, sensitive soul.