Is This Guy Just Using Me / Playing With My Emotions?

[Stella]

Here is my situation:

I met a guy at work (I know...never a good thing, right). Slowly over the months our friendship developed.....to the point we
were hanging out outside of work, confiding in each other about many personal things, etc. Admittedly, there was a mutual attraction and chemistry but we never acted on it or discussed it. In the past month, things progressed. One day we hung out at the beach and ended up kissing.

The connection was INTENSE. He kept saying how fascinated he was with me, that I was like no other woman he's known and how I'm the only one he's hanging out with in his free time (he's a doctor with a very chaotic schedule). Over the next two weeks, we spent our free evenings together.

There was physicality involved, but ultimately no sex. We both agreed sex too soon would be wrong. After spending the night at his house one night (we both had too much to drink), he has started to pull away. At first I didnt take it personal and gave him his space. But the distance has grown and he has been colder with each day that passes. I finally asked him about it and he said "he so overwhelmed with all the obligations in his life" and isn't sure if now if we should be hanging out or not." Then accused me of causing drama. Not understanding where this was all coming from, I said ok backed off and haven't contaced him...that was over a week ago. He texted me today to say hi and asked my plans for the weekend. I told him I had a blind date (which was true). He tried to act like it was great that I was going on a blind date and was trying to give me tips, but later texted me asking me if I wanted to hang out.

Is this guy just using me/playing with my emotions? Or does he really like me, got scared and is now jealous that I might be moving on?

From the beginning I have never felt like he just wanted a "booty call" because initially we just started out as friends. And over time we grew close, but he never made a move until recently.
I'm so confused....and need help!

[Sammy]

Hi Stella,

The most important part of your question is right at the end....

"Is this guy just using me/playing with my emotions? Or does he really like me, got scared and is now jealous that I might be moving on?

From the beginning I have never felt like he just wanted a "booty call" because initially we just started out as friends. And over time we grew close, but he never made a move until recently."

First of all though Stella, they is nothing wrong with you "Dating" and meeting other men. I say this as I ask, "are you in a serious "relationship" with this man?"

What often happens with men when they start getting involved with a woman is quiet a few things......

A man will seem really excited to be with you, he'll ask you out, maybe even bring you flowers, call all the time, even get intimate and then... something shifts and he pulls back. He stops making plans like he used to, and you start to feel like you did something wrong or that he doesn't like you as much any more.

Here's an insight about men that's fascinating and strange and that, once you understand it, is going to stop a lot of the pain and frustration you experience with dating and relationships.

When a man gets truly close to a woman and deeply intimate for any extended period of time, he loves that feeling and wants more of it. But the strange part of this is that the moment a man experiences this period of intense closeness, he will take some space for himself.

I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but it's how most men work emotionally. Most men will actually seek some amount of space to "recover".

It's kind of like how after a muscle gets worked out it needs to rest before it can grow stronger and be active again.

Men can become distant even in good relationships, and if you know what to do, you can keep your guy physically and emotionally engaged... even when he needs time to recover.

And there's another reason why a man might withdraw that has nothing what so ever to do with you.....

He lacks "Sexual Confidence" in his Masculinity!

Although you mentioned that you had both agreed.....

"We both agreed sex too soon would be wrong. After spending the night at his house one night (we both had too much to drink), he has started to pull away."

Now for me, when you have both been spending time together, flirting, petting and getting intimate...Sex between you both, would have been the next natural step.

But here you have a "Red flag"..."He has started to pull away."

Now this is a common thing with men who suffer low-self esteem and sexual confidence.

I will be honest with you Nicole, a sexually confident man would want to take you and ravish you at the first opportunity that you wanted that to happen.

Now this man is a doctor, and as a doctor he maybe a confident and competent man. But when it comes to women, he lacks confidence in his Masculinity and sexuality as a Man to be able to take you!

And here is another reason and this one is a "Big Red Flag" the sign of the "Nice Guy!"

"He texted me today to say hi and asked my plans for the weekend. He tried to act like it was great that I was going on a blind date and was trying to give me tips, but later texted me asking me if I wanted to hang out."

Are you serious Stella?

I have to ask some questions here,

First, yep it's cool, you are still going out dating. However if I phoned up a woman I was seeing (Note: "Phoned" not text) I would be saying "drop the date, your coming out with ME!"

Take you out and that night ravish you!

Not trying to give you "tips" and you want to "hang out?" This I will be brutal in saying is typical "mr nice guy" behaviour.

Where are the signs he wants YOU?

Second, these are "Questions" for you Nicole, because no doubt, just by you writing this e mail to Me. Your woman's instinct is ringing the warning bells!

I have to ask you 4 simple questions.........

First, Do you "FEEL" this is a confident Man?

Second, Do you "FEEL" this is a sexual assertive man?

Third, Do you "FEEL" you can "TRUST" this man's Masculinity?

Forth, Do you "FEEL" you could build a "Future" with this man. Invest yourself in him?

These are 4 very simple "questions" Stella............Can you say "Yes" to any of them?

I suggest you carry on with your life, carry on "dating" and meeting other men. And see where it goes with this man?

Keep your "options" open Stella.

If he really desires to be with you Nicole, he will make it clear. He is the man, it is his place to confidently lead. And if he doesn't.......Is that the kind of man you want to build a future and be "intimate" with?

And I have not mentioned up to now this statement "he so overwhelmed with all the obligations in his life" and isn't sure if now if we should be hanging out or not."

Is that not another "Red Flag" to consider, Where are you even going to fit into his life?

I know I have asked you many questions Nicole for you to think about. Put aside the rose tinted glasses of "chemistry" and seriously have a think about this guy and where things are going for you with him.

And finally Nicole, this is not about you the way he is behaving. It is about him. The next step to take is his, and it is your choice if you want to take things further or not.

[Brett]

Be smart and canny when it comes to your relationship. Don't get involved with a guy without being aware of the facts. Getting into a relationship blindly and based on emotions alone could be dangerous because he could just be playing you. Here are some signs that can warn you.

He will never be satisfied
Does your guy behave in such a manner that he never seems to be satisfied no matter what you do? Be careful and watch closely. If he is just playing you, then he will not care whether he is hurting you in any way. Don't take any sort of mistreatment and be firm about what you need. If he finds you are too demanding, he will leave.

He will most probably have a roving eye
It is easy to spot a player by the way he behaves in female company. If he is just playing you he will not be able to resist flirting with another more attractive woman. A player will always think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence and therefore he will be restless and too greedy by half!

At the first sign of responsibility - he'll skip!
One of the best ways to test if he really means what he says is to place some responsibility on his shoulders. If he really cares for you he will willingly shoulder the responsibility but if he is not, then he will make excuses and avoid taking any responsibility.

He will be moody and inconsistent
Watch his moods. A selfish and callous man who is just using you will never be consistent and steady. He will be moody and even throw tantrums if he does not get his way with you. He won't be able to help himself taking as much as he can from you. As far as the "giving" goes - it will be non-existent.

He will never give you options - just orders
You will notice that he will never take the trouble to find out if you are happy or pleased. The most important person that needs to be pleased at all times according to him, is himself. He won't give you options or try to keep you satisfied. Instead he might just order you around and treat you like a slave.

He won't bother about satisfying you in any way
Your needs and desires are secondary to him. As long as he is getting something from you, he will stick around. If you put your foot down and lay down some rules, he will resent it and start to withdraw. Satisfying you will be a burden to him not a delight.

He'll be nice to you till he gets what he wants
Check and see if he is nice to you only till he gets what he wants from you. He might act kind and courteous just to put you in a good mood. Once he is satisfied, all his kindness and loving will disappear! He may not bother with you and turn cold and distant after sex!

[Stella]

Thank you all for your advice.