emotionally dead after ending abusive relationship

[bluemoon1985]

I am a 32 year old single female. For all of my twenties I had two long term boyfriends and plenty of dates in between. I live in a big city, and my social life has always thrived. I have always had "flings" or boyfriends since I was 18 with short periods of being single. Early last year, I finally moved out of the house I shared with my ex - who was textbook emotional abuser. We dated for two years and it was pure misery the entire time. It took me six months of counseling, working out and emotional support from friends and family to "heal" the damage he caused to my self esteem. Around Christmas last year I tried dating again. I met a few really nice, attractive, educated men with nice jobs and they all treated me with respect and were eager to date. I dumped them all after two or three dates. I felt no connection and despite them being good matches, I could not feel attracted to them. I decided I was not ready to date. It is now August and I have not cared all year long about dating. However, I have a met a man who is a very good match for me - we were having a blast hanging out for about three weeks and I finally thought I was starting to "like" someone again. But then after three weeks we shared our first kiss, and all feelings I thought I had immediately fled me - I was icked out by kissing him, and could not wait to flee and go home immediately. Now he is calling and texting and I don't even care to pick up the phone and respond. I do not care. I feel so dead inside. I used to pine and dream and long to find my "soulmate" and get married. But now, after so much pain, and seeing my friends' marriages failing or ending in divorce, I am just so dead inside, I no longer care if I ever get married. The thought of sharing my home, my comfy bed, the thought of not being able to make plans when I want or where I want without "consulting" someone, it all freaks me out so bad. But what scares me worse is that these men - who are great catches, become suddenly "disgusting" to me after just a few short weeks. After I shared a kiss with the last one, I don't care to ever see him again....and I don't care that I will hurt him. I don't care what he thinks of me. I feel nothing. I understand that what I went through was very traumatic and perhaps I am just not quite ready to date yet. But I fear I will never gain the ability to love or feel emotionally connected to someone. I spent my entire twenties having boyfriends, and now that I am at an age I should be settling down - I simply do not care if I ever get married. I guess I just want to know if this is normal, if anyone has ever experienced something similar. Is it normal to feel emotionally dead this long after ending a horrible relationship?

[Dennis]

This is completely not normal, and you are suffering from emotional trauma from the past. This is what is still affecting you till now.

I strongly suggest you consult a counselor.

[Sandra]

You will need to allow yourself time to heal and seek answers from your ex which will allow you unfettered ties so you can become a more well rounded person emotionally when you are ready to start dating again. The first few days and months after a breakup are the hardest since our emotions can fluctuate on a daily basis where one minute you are raging against your ex and the next minute proclaiming undying love. Try not to be too hard on yourself especially if he initiated the breakup after all there were things that you both did wrong or did not communicate effectively to each other.

We can only offer what we know how to give in a relationship. Concern yourself with your well being by taking care of yourself physically and mentally. Now is the time to let your friends and family share in your emotions.

Everyone has been through this process at one time or another. If you don't have a trusted friend or family member to confide in you might want to seek the services of a professional counselor who will help you sort out your feelings. It is imperative that you don't become an emotional recluse.