One way relationship (complicated)

[Jake]

I'm a 17 year old male in year 12 of high school having a dire, complicated relationship issue, this will take some explaining...

So I started dating my girlfriend just over a year ago, and it mainly started because of 2 reasons: She was in my pre-primary year group and I wanted to get to know how she changed through high school, and also because I was curious about the sexual side and relationships in general.

She was seriously laid back in the relationship, not organising anything or asking to call, but I thought this was just typical, I'd never dated before, and I assumed it a male to female thing. About 6 months later, nothing had changed, but it didn't seem to bother me for some reason.

Soon though, the relationship became increasingly worse to me. Qualities about her that didn't bother me at first started to really bother me (like her not having a job, or any hobbies, or never asking to do stuff). I also discovered more and more qualities about her that I disliked (like bitching and selfishness), but I can't tell if this is a product of negative thinking, or if it's seriously who she is. It sort of became clear that I don't love her because of who she is, but more because of how in love she is with me.

To make things worse she started acting really strange and soon came out with an eating disorder and depression. This is where things became seriously difficult. Symptoms of her mental disorders began affecting the relationship, (like she won't excersize with me and is crazy around body image, or she'll be crazy around food or she is very lazy and not talkative) she makes me really unhappy and I don't like being around her because she brings me down.

Despite everything I put my all forward to help and support her. But no matter what I do, nothing changes or gets better, and although she loves me (hardly showing it outside of saying it) my love for her dissipates extremely.

But she thinks I love her back the same, because I've kept the truth away from her, as I know she wouldn't be able to handle it and it would make her life worse, right before she sits her year 12 exams and stuff.

To give some perspective, there was an incident where she dramatically hurt my feelings and I got extremely upset. The fact that she did this to me upset her, and I had to overcome all my anger and sadness and spend the next few days attending to her to make sure nothing bad happened. This was very, very hard.

So now I feel trapped in a bad relationship because:
-I feel like it's my responsibility to help her.
-I would be an asshole to leave, because some of the main issues are caused by a mental disorder that's not her fault.
-I potentially would ruin her exam results
-I can't bring this up with her because it'll make things seriously bad

This is bad for me because it's very stressful and depressing, and I have my own sets of problems to deal with. I honestly feel like my relationship is one of the most unhealthiest parts of my life. I do care about her, but I don't want to be this girls boyfriend anymore, even if the mental disorders fixed, I feel like there would still be too many serious problems between us. I understand this isn't her fault, I treat her as nice as possible, which is what has lead to this big lie...

I hope I don't sound selfish or heartless, but this is all very hard to explain and I do care about her or else I wouldn't be putting in so much to try and help her. I try to think about this all objectively, but it's hard. I feel like I'm adopting a worsening passive aggressiveness towards her, as well this nuetral interaction, meaning my speaking and listening appears great, but is hollow (like at work treating customers).

Has anyone been in this situation before? If so what happened and what would you recommend doing? I'm desperate for any advice... Thanks

And just something to add, my original plan was to tell her about this after exams, because I don't think doing anything before exams would work out good for either of us.

[Nate]

First, it's wrong to stay in a relationship because of pity. You are going to continually feel unhappy in that relationship.

We go into relationship to be happy and not the other way round. So, if your relationship is causing you sadness, quit that relationship immediately.

[Terry]

Like you said, most of the things she does that upset you is caused by her mental disorder. However, you must know that it's not your responsibility to help her fix that problem, that's the job of her family.

Don't compromise your happiness for someone else. So, I will advice you end the relationship and help her just as a friend.

[Damian]

Don't make the same mistake I made, quit that relationship at once. However, do that after her exams.

[David]

It is hard to get out of any kind of relationship but it is even harder when you're coming out of a unhealthy one. These kinds of relationships are often times abusive and could involve massive co-dependency.

Nonetheless, a person who's succumbed to an irreversibly broken union always has two options: to walk away or stay and remain unhappy. If one decides to choose the former, ending an unhealthy relationship is necessary, and more often than not, very possible.

The Statistics

In the United States alone, there's a fifty percent divorce rate which is enough for people to conclude that unhealthy relationships are as just common as the healthy ones.

There's a lot of facet in abusive relationships. It could be done emotionally, psychologically or physically, which are the common forms of abuse. As a matter of fact, statistics show that the rate of women who have gone through abuse at some point in their past and present relationship hovers at around sixty percent.

In the simplest scenario, a partner who's overly domineering and controlling of the counterpart is one example of an unbalanced and unhealthy relationship.

Why People Stay

People stay because of so many other reasons than just simply ending an unhealthy relationship. Some simply love their partner wholeheartedly, while others are indolent about their situation, even if their union has already been stained with damaging aspects. However, among the major reasons why a person will opt to stay in a relationship has a lot to do with the fear of being alone.

According to a study done in 2013, a lot of people prefer to stay and not end an unhealthy relationship because they fear that they're going to be alone and lonely. Published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, these people believe that staying with their partners, regardless of how miserable they make them feel is better than being alone and have no one at all.

The study was joined by 153 participants and all of them expressed unanimous result as to why they want to be in an unhealthy relationship instead: they think that they're no longer good for any kind of long-term relationship after getting out of their current union, fear of being lonely and have no family or children of their own.

Another noticeable thing that these people perceive is that they'd rather be in the relationship and continue to feel miserable than be under the judgment of the society and be worthless.

How to Throw In the Towel

In situations like these, leaving the unhealthy relationship is the best thing to do. Although some people might fear the thought of being alone, but the price at stake is finding your own true happiness. And that's more than enough reason to leave.

And so, if you think you are in an unhealthy relationship on a verge of sinking, you can do these steps:

First, cry for help. Putting an end to an unhealthy relationship is possible but is never going to be easy, especially when you've gone through all the abuse. However, asking for moral support in mustering the courage to say "I had enough" is the smartest move.

Second, cut all communication. Cutting all communication with your partner is another huge important step in getting out of an unhealthy relationship. Essentially, this would mean that you need to be a thousand mile radius apart from your partner. This would imperatively include no drunk texting or calling after clubbing on a Friday evening.

Third, collect yourself back and go out. If your reason why you didn't end the relationship instantly is your fear of being lonely, then the only remedy to that is by fighting back. Collect yourself and go out - have fun and enjoy the company of the people who matter to you the most. Also be open in meeting new faces, talk to new coworkers and opening new relationship, it may not be in an intimate way but it's a good start. The sooner you realize that your destiny is not in the path of loneliness, the less remorse or regret you'll feel about the decision you've made.