Why am I an idiot?

[cw212010]

Hi all,

Needing a little advice here.

I've been married to my wife for a little under a year now. Only three months after we got married she discovered text messages on my phone which were from a couple of months prior, from a former colleague in another country. It is worth pointing out that this colleague was considerably older and in the politest way possible, not attractive. These messages surrounded a request for an explicit picture of which none were ever sent or received. All other messages were in the realms of 'how is the team doing' and 'how are you'. I stopped contact immediately after and maintain to this day that it was a colleague of mine who had accessed my phone (I work 24 hour shifts with 12 other guys). I have never cheated and maintain I never will. My wife, obviously does not believe this and we are working our way through therapy to try and prove this being the case.

Other than this, I moved from Europe a couple of years ago prior to meeting my wife. In recent months I have had a former landlord send mail to my work and my wifes work demanding payment for a host of crazy matters and thankfully I have proven all to be untrue and that I didn't owe a penny to any prior company or the landlord themselves.

Now today I have the police at a relatives door back home in regard to an unpaid fine for running a red light seven years ago - Something I thought was dealt with at the time.

In short, my wife continues to think that there is something fishy about me when I've just had a few rounds of bad luck from a 'debt' perspective which doesn't help the aforementioned text message matter.

It appears to boil down to trust but I have absolutely no idea what to do. I give her reassurance, I explain and try to be transparent at all times but understandably she has reservations.

Help?

[Dennis]

Jealousy is normal in a relationship but extreme jealousy can break up or hurt a perfect relationship. This also shows that the woman is lacking of confidence and security in her life. Sometimes, it can be because of bad experience from the past relationships or certain examples that she sees around her.

Trust is important in a marriage and without trust, there are many things that you can't do to achieve in a great relationship. Here are some tips to make your wife trust you.

Write a letter to her. Tell her how much you want this relationship to work but also mention how frustrated you are with her jealousy. Write in a tactful manner, not offending or blaming her in any ways.

Open her heart and make her listen to you. Learn to understand the real problems that are affecting her trust on you. If she doesn't trust you because of a failed relationship previously, you will need to constantly assure her that you are a different guy. Let her know how you want to spend the rest of your life with her. Try to approach her and say the sweetest things that she would like to hear first. This is to cushion the impact that you will be telling her about the jealousy issue in the relationship as she may get upset or angry when you tell her about this problem.

Give her some time and leave her alone. Maybe she needs some time to clear her thoughts. This can also be a good time to let both of you to see what are needed to improve on the marriage. Losing you for a while may help her to realize many things when she is not with you.

[Sofia]

Learning how to build trust in a relationship is very important, as trust is the basic foundation of any union. Without trust, the relationship will always be filled with uncertainty, and that doesn't exactly promise both parties a happy ending.

If you want to know how to build trust in a relationship, read on.

Trust Building Tip # 1: Don't Break It.

Perhaps the first rule in gaining trust is to avoid breaking a person's trust in the first place. Don't succumb to the temptation of cheating or doing something that you know would betray your partner.

For example, if your partner doesn't wish for you to pry into their past, don't go behind their back and hire a detective to sniff around. There are other ways of getting information out of your partner - one that has you two dealing face to face.

A lot of people end up thinking themselves to be stupid for doing something that they knew would break their partner's trust in them. Don't make the same stupid mistake.

Trust Building Tip # 2: Reveal a Part of Yourself.

Another effective way on how to build trust in a relationship is to share something about yourself with your partner. I don't mean telling him or her things like your favorite ice cream flavor or your favorite color.

Keeping too many secrets implies that you've got a lot to hide. And that almost always brands a person as untrustworthy.

To build trust in a relationship, you must reveal one or two of your secrets. Or all of them eventually. By trusting your partner with your secret, you're also making it possible for the other person to confide in you as well.

Trust Building Tip # 3: Avoid Acting Rashly.

If you want to know how to build trust in a relationship, you must avoid making spur-of-the-moment decisions. Suddenly telling your partner that you must attend a party or suddenly canceling a date can be quite suspicious, especially if you can't provide a decent explanation.

Don't give your partner reason to worry. In the early stages of a relationship, you can't expect the other person to understand your sudden change of plans (even if you've always been that way).

[LB1981]

It sound like you have a lot going on! In regard to the issues from back in Europe, those are things that would probably have anyone on edge. As long as you have an explanation for everything that's happened, with some time and patience, that should resolve itself. ONLY if nothing else crops up. If there is anything else you can think of make sure to get it out in the open so you catch it on the front end instead of trying to clean up a mess on the back end.

With the the text messages, this is something else you want to catch on the front end. Just tell her the truth or she will continue to remain suspicious. It does seem hard to believe that someone else sent them from your phone, and it's really not the end of the world. To her it is the end of the world if it seems like your reason it happened is a lie. Admitting your mistakes let's you move on and start rebuilding trust. It's good you go to therapist, but that won't change her mind in believing you. Do you feel safe enough to be honest with her?