Commitment Worries

[LB1981]

Hello,

this is is my first time in a relationship forum and I'm looking for help with my boyfriend. We are both in our 30s and have been dating for over a year now. Neither of us have kids and we both have steady jobs. In other words, we've made it this far without a ton of baggage, which I know is rare. At this point in the relationship I'm wondering when it's going to the next level. He's not shown any sign of proposing.

i love him more than anything and this relationship is definitely different than the others in the past. He seems like he loves me too, but despite dropping hints, I just don't think he's going to ask me to take the next step.

Also, we live together and have a dog, if that helps! Any advice on what I should do without coming across as needy or too rushed, would be very nice! Thank you!

[Ben]

Sometimes, guys need a push to see that they really should be with you and offer you the commitment you're looking for. So often, guys and girls move in together when they are dating. She thinks that he's going to be working toward proposing and he's happy to keep the arrangement the same. Sometimes, all she wants is a solid relationship and he's just looking for someone to go out with once in a while.

This isn't unusual, but it can be frustrating. When you're dating a guy and he's not willing to commit to you, you might begin to feel like you're wasting your time. There is a way to push him, and test him to see if he's the one, that won't seem like he's being tested.

Push, By Letting Go

If you really want your guy to commit to you, but he just seems like he's not making the effort, then you need to back off. This depends on what you're ultimately after, of course, but sometimes the only thing to do is just do your own thing. This is letting your guy know that you don't intend to be waiting on him forever and he needs to start making some serious decisions about your relationship.

On one hand, this can be frustrating to you, because you are leaving everything in his hands, but at this point, that's where you want it anyway. When you're out doing your thing, he will start to wonder why you don't have the time for him that you used to. It will make him feel like he has to fight for your attention and, once he gets it again, he may just want to commit to you.

What makes this strategy most effective is staying busy. When you want to make your guy commit to you, you don't want him to think that you are at home crying. Go out, have fun... If he calls and you are at a club, go ahead and answer. Tell him you'll talk to him tomorrow. When he thinks that you're not waiting for him, this makes you more desirable to him.

You shouldn't do this if your guy has no idea what you want from your relationship, though. It's really important to make sure that you have talked to him about the type of commitment that you want, so that he understands why you are doing what you are doing.

See What Else Is Out There

If he's still dating other people, then you should too. The worst thing you can do to yourself is to commit to someone who hasn't committed to you. If you want to make him commit to you, then you may need to let him know that there are other guys out there who want to go out with you.

Either you'll make him commit this way or you'll meet a great guy who does want to commit to you. You come out a winner no matter what, so this is often the preferred tactic by women who want to make their guys commit to them.

[Alexa]

Understanding how to get your long term boyfriend to propose is all about recognizing that he's a man and you're a woman. That means that you both are coming at the issue from different sides. To you talking is the way to resolve something so important. You feel that if you just continue to talk to him that he'll come to see how much you want to be his wife. After you've mentioned it once, he'll tune you out. If he's not ready for the commitment that you want, he won't open up to it by listening to you go on and on about it. In fact, he'll likely retreat and you'll feel him withdrawing from you. You must take a different approach, one that will strike a chord in him.

The best thing a woman can do when she desperately wants to get her long term boyfriend to commit to her is to shake things up a bit. Right now, you two are likely living much like a married couple without the formal commitment or the ring. He knows that you'll always be available to him and he also sees that you're not about to go anywhere. That kind of reassurance is what is keeping him from proposing. In his mind there's absolutely no reason to go through the motions of getting engaged and married. He already has you.

Starting today you need to shift your focus from trying to get a proposal, to living your own life. Unless you pull back significantly and show him that your life does not revolve around your relationship with him, nothing will change. You shouldn't take it as far as breaking up with him, but you should make it clear that you are going to live your life in a more independent fashion. Hang out with your girlfriends more, spend time pursuing your career and just stop being as available and accessible as you have been. Making this one change will be enough of a jolt to help him realize what he risks losing. Once that happens, a proposal will suddenly be at the top of his to-do list.

[David]

Every woman has faced these dilemmas at one time or another, but the good news is that you can make him commit to you, if you get your timing right.

1. Softly Softly
It may go against the grain, but the number one reason that men get scared and refuse to commit to a relationship is that the woman has moved too fast. Men avoid pressure like poison, so if you find yourself tempted to talk about cohabitation, marriage and children after three dates, learn to control yourself.

The rule of thumb when it comes to make him commit is that you need to go at exactly the pace he's comfortable with, no more, no less. Don't discuss feelings unless he brings it up first. Don't talk about future plans until he mentions the subject. This can take a lot of nerve and patience, but it will pay dividends in the end.
Whilst you're waiting for him to catch up with you, there are plenty of practical things you can be doing.

2. Show Him That You're Worth A Commitment
A man will always commit to a woman who's worth committing to, so you need to become that woman. How do you do that? By continuing to lead a full and fascinating life outside the relationship. Men don't want clingy women, or at least the ones you should be with don't. They want independent, intelligent and confident women.

Continue to do your thing, and show him that he can be part of this wonderful thing that is your life, if he's prepared to make a commitment.

3. Focus His Mind
Without piling on the pressure, you need to let him know that you're ready and willing to make a commitment to him, but you won't wait around forever. Part of that comes from continuing to lead your own life. If he's yet to grant you exclusive dating rights, perhaps you should withdraw exclusive dating rights from him and date a couple of other guys too. It's matching his pace, after all.

In the end, the prospect of a good thing slipping through his fingers will be more than enough to make him commit, if he's the right man for you.