Should I Break Up with Her?

[askingaquestion]

Dear Forumgoers,

I would really appreciate some additional thoughts on my situation. I hope you can guide me in why I am finding is a really difficult position.

My fiancee (age 30) and I (age 34) met about 6 years ago. No relationship is perfect but I think ours has been pretty good overall. Over the years though, there have been problems with mine and her issues combining.

Perhaps fortunately, there are no kids, but we do jointly pay off the mortgage on a house.

My problems
- I dislike conflict. I find it very difficult to read people and I am afraid of causing offence etc so I am often unfailingly polite
- Too relaxed and easy-going
- Forgetful

Her problems (from my perspective)
- Dependent
- Selfish
- Possessive and jealous
- Obsessive and compulsive

As such, over time I have become a doormat essentially. I feel like if I don't provide S with exactly what she wants then I get absolutely whalloped. To give one example, last year I was choosing between becoming one of two different types of specialist lawyer. S's advice to me was "if you become X I will have no respect for you". Therefore, I chose Y.

Other examples of things that have been a problem for me over time
- expecting the engagement ring to be worth 3 months salary and hinting that less than that would be inadequate
- She used to become very jealous with any interactions I had with other people (apparently in her culture once two people are committed to each other they traditionally withdraw from the rest of society a bit?? Although I am from a different cultural background I feel she still has this expectation). As such I have no close friends anymore, I feel a bit socially isolated. I once said happy birthday on facebook to a friend: we got into a big fight because that it was time I could've spent messaging her instead - I haven't communicated on fb since then
- She expects me to do everything for her (eg cook dinner), but then is a whirlwind of criticism with everything that I do (she once said the dinner I cooked for her didn't 'excite her palate enough')

However, the tipping point came two years ago, just after we got engaged, I became unwell. I had a car accident and spent 5 months recovering. During this period S treated me horribly. She refused to help with my physiotherapy in the initial 4 weeks, so I just didn't get to do any physio during that time (all she needed to do was lift up my foot 10 times morning + night to stretch the hip and bit and prevent it becoming stiff). She made me sleep in a different room. She didn't do one nice thing for me despite the fact I couldn't even walk. I understand that she was going through a stressful time at work but at the end of the day, marriage is about 'in sickness and in health' and the one time in our relationship when I need to lean on her rather than the other way around she wasn't just not there but she actively worked to make my life worse. I haven't forgiven her for that. Tying into the selfish point above, when I got really upset one day and said she was being cruel (admittedly, the meanest thing I have ever said to her) she made it about her, about how mean it was to use the word 'cruel' and how bad that made her feel. There I was feeling like a kicked dog and I ended up apologising to her for talking about how I was feeling.

Anyway, these are just a few things and at the end of the day they don't really matter. What matters is that in my opinion we are two different people and I am not happy in the relationship. As such, I have tried to break up with her over the past 2 years

Multiple times.

This is going to sound crazy, but every time I try something terrible happens.

Attempt 1: S crashed her car and ended up in hospital on the way to meeting me (fyi, no way she suspected what was going to happen, just a freak accident)
Attempt 2: went round to S's house and when I got there she was crying - her grandfather had died
Attempt 3: About 1-2 days before I was planning on sitting down with her (we were just finishing a really different period of time at work) her mother was diagnosed with pancreas cancer
Attempt 4: The day before I planned on talking to her... her mother's cancer had come back, spreading and now incurable.

Understandably, her mother's only wish now before she dies is to see her daughter get married

So now I find myself in the position of not just trying to end an engagement with someone who loves me a lot and basically needs me to get through each day, but also trying to break the heart of a dying woman.

I have thought about this for weeks now, and I can't bring myself to destroy two people I care about, even if the thought of spending my life with S fills me with dread.

I've thought about different options
1. Break up now
2. Get married then break up after mum dies
3. Spend the rest of our lives together, even if I'm not particularly happy, because at the end of the day... we are OK together and even if I am happier I would definitely have a more boring life without her around
4. Talk to her about my concerns: this would be my preferred option, but there is no way we could have a reasonable conversation about this stuff. Her paranoia, jealousy, dependency all burst forth without any trigger on a daily basis - talking about actual problems in the relationship would be like lighting the fuse of a stick of dynamite.

I don't really know what to do: I don't want to break her heart, I REALLY don't want to break her mother's heart, I don't want to be a tax lawyer, I don't want to get married.

Does anyone have any advice? Any thoughts? Any help? Thanks so much, even just having somewhere to talk about this after keeping it to myself for such a long time is helpful.

[Dennis]

Anyway, these are just a few things and at the end of the day they don't really matter. What matters is that in my opinion we are two different people and I am not happy in the relationship.

You already know you are two different people, so it isn't wise to get married to such a woman. If you make the mistake of getting married to her, you both will end up in a divorce.

So, it's better breakup now, than to get married to her and eventually divorce.

[Richard]

I had a car accident and spent 5 months recovering. During this period S treated me horribly.

It's obvious that she is cruel, and that's not a woman you will be safe around. Like you said, she even went as far as to making you sleep in a different room. She did this because your sight irritates her, sorry to say that but it's the truth. You are making a sacrifice for her that she won't do for you. If she was in your shoes, she would have long broken up with you without looking back.

So, my candid advice to you is to breakup with her. She isn't the right woman for you.

[Brett]

Now you might be the kind of person who enjoys the company of your loved one so much so that you start to neglect other aspects of your life. Sad to say, that is extremely unhealthy so you should do something about the relationship.

Worst case scenario would be that you are spending so much time with your partner that you never see your friends or close relatives anymore. Even your work is slipping because you are always attending to her needs first. Under this circumstance, is it certainly time for you to think of other alternatives than this obsessive relationship that you are in. After all, there will be no way you can continue enjoying with your partner if you lose your steady income every month.

Yes, we know that you love her. However, isn't she being a tad too possessive? Whenever you plan something with other friends, some emergency or other is bound to happen to her. It comes to a point where your friends are now fed up with your lackadaisical attitude when it comes to them that they don't even bother inviting you out with them anymore. It is always nice to have someone there with you all the time. Unfortunately, if she is the only person you see, there definitely is something wrong with your relationship and it would be a good time to think about breaking up with her.

Discouraging you from carrying out the things that you enjoy is another warning sign. For instance, if you like to jungle trekking but have quit due to the fact that she has been nagging you about it for ages, then you should evaluate your relationship. To be fair to her, it could only because she is concerned about your safety. However, you are a grown man who is capable of taking care of yourself.

Other danger signal would be if she disappears for days or weeks without contacting you or telling you her whereabouts. It is like you do not have a partner at all. While there are things you can do to reason away her behaviour, if it has become a frequent habit, there shouldn't even be a question of whether you should break up with her. There is no point being in a relationship if the both of you are never together at all.

Stop making excuses for her behaviour. She would try her very best to rescue what she shares with you if you she was concerned about this relationship. At the very least, she will talk to you and let you know her feelings and why she is doing so. The relationship means thing to her if she disappears without giving any valid reasons or excuses.

[SmallTalk]

My first thought after you described her problems: cut. Run, boy, run. As fast as you can. It hurts at first but it'll get better, I promise you.

[WilliamBlakes]

Hey, how are you now? Are you still around that woman or broken up? Like others, I would have also suggested the same. Leave her and make a life first. You may also take the help of a lawyer. The lawyer does not only work on cases, but also provides counseling. If you want to get advice for your personal issue, the lawyer will show you the pros and cons of your action. It works, my friend has experienced it. Consider useful reference on the internet for more different options.