Will He Leave Her For Me?

[Nora]

“Hi. I'm Mary, 23 years old and I'm in a relationship with a 27 year-old-man who happens to have a wife.

They have a daughter and they're married for more than 3 years but he told me they aren’t happy because they have an arranged marriage. He told me that he loves me and he's making his moves to make everything right between us and our families. It is my first time to be in this kind of relationship and I don't know what to do and where to place myself. This man came from a prestigious and well off family. He always buys me breakfast, lunch,dinner, or anything that I ask him, but it seems that those were not enough, because I'm looking for some effort on his part to think of something romantic to surprise me, but he never did. I don't know if it is a result of having his married fixed and didn't experience being in a serious romantic relationship, or is it because of the age gap, or because he's not sincere, or plainly because he is not a romantic and thoughtful person. No matter what the reasons are, my question is: how do I train him to be more thoughtful, sweet, romantic, and surprise me without even telling him about it? Girls need some sweetness, we have this innate sweet tooth in us that needs sweets from time to time from the man we love. Money can't buy us happiness and cannot in any way take the place of effort and thoughtfulness. Next question is that, how do i know if he's sincere? and how do i make him commit to me? That would be all, thank you.”

[Scot]

Nora, I honestly don’t know whether I should kiss you or slap you (or maybe some new and strangely-sexy combination of the two.)

This is the kind of question us relationship experts lay awake at night praying for: “Would some completely delusional young woman please write me a long and detailed message giving me giant and incredible opportunities to RANT UNCONTROLLABLY at her?” I pray all alone at night. And my prayers have been answered because here you are with this amazing question!


Now, there’s a LOT to cover from your epic and amazing email, so let’s get started in handy NUMBERED FORM:


1. The Other Woman Who Thinks The Other Woman Is The Other Woman . . .

Let’s start first with what and WHO you are to this guy. You say in your message that you “have never been in a relationship like this and don’t know where to place yourself.”

And I understand it can be very confusing figuring out how a man REALLY feels about you and what role you REALLY play in his life. I mean, guys are so cagey these days and unwilling to commit . . .

But in your case, you’re actually quite lucky because it’s EASY to figure out what your “place” is with this guy:

You are his MISTRESS.

NOT his girlfriend.

NOT his fiancee.

NOT even “that woman he’s TOTALLY going to leave his wife for someday. Really, he is. No, seriously, it just isn’t TIME yet. Maybe when the kid graduates High School. You know, in 16 years.”

Nope. You aren’t any of those things. What you are (and it’s a little shocking this isn’t obvious to you yet — It’s probably because you’re so young) is “That younger woman he buys things for and puts his penis inside whenever you will let him.”

That doesn’t sound “romantic” because it’s not. At all. I know, I know, he told you he loves you and that he’s “making moves to make things OK with your families” (I have NO idea what those moves would be. Does he do the moonwalk?”

But those things he told you about loving you and how he’s going to LEAVE his wife and all that?

Um. Those are lies.

I mean, he might not KNOW he’s lying. A lot of guys don’t. Honestly, it’s totally possible that after he got into his arranged marriage and had a child and fell into the intolerable banality that is so many folks’ married lives he latched onto you like Leo Dicaprio holding that piece of driftwood at the end of Titanic and really DOES think he “Loves you.”

But he doesn’t. At all. If he loves anything it’s the way he feels when he’s with you. It’s the FREEDOM he feels that he can still be attractive to a younger woman who doesn’t have kids and, at least so far, doesn’t seem to have a lot of expectations for him. (Little does he know.)

So . . .

Let’s just get this unequivocally out of the way:

A. You’re his MISTRESS. That’s your place in his life.

B. He’s not going to leave his wife. At least not anytime soon and if he does eventually leave her it really won’t be because of you.

C. You’re not the good guy here. I’m not saying you’re the “bad guy” either since I don’t know all the details (maybe his wife boils bunnies or something) but it’s you, not her, who are the “other woman” and the “home wrecker” in this case.

D. Even if he DID leave his wife for you and then wrap you in his big, strong, prestigious and well-off arms . . . um . . . he’ll probably get another mistress at that point so . .

I’m going to answer the rest of your questions in a second, but let me just give you all the advice you actually NEED right now:

Stop “dating” this guy. You’re not actually in a “relationship” with him anyway. He’s using you for sex and emotional succor (and your breasts) and that’s pretty much it. If you really feel the need to say something to the guy when you end things try this:

“I really like you. You’re awesome. I’d love to be in a relationship with you but you’re married. Look me up when you’re single.”

And then leave and go date some men who don’t have wives and who might want you for something more than just a mistress.

Now, you’re going to IGNORE that advice I know, so let’s cover the rest of your email:


2. Why He Buys You Things But Doesn’t Act “Romantic”

Now, you say this man buys you breakfast, lunch, dinner and anything else you want (I’m assuming some of these things aren’t even food-based.)

And, since you’re his mistress, not his girlfriend, fiancee or future wife, that’s actually pretty good. The fact is, when a man has a MISTRESS (which is what you are) the typical arrangement is that the man provides MONEY and the woman (or girl in this case because you sound quite immature) provides sex.

It’s a bit like prostitution. But different in that it’s not illegal and you can’t put all this food he’s buying you in a ROTH IRA.

You go on to ask why he’s not more romantic, so let’s just go through some of the reasons you gave:

A. The AGE difference:While age is certainly a “thing” and can indeed matter in the happiness of a couple (especially when it comes to the stage of life you’re in and if you want kids) a 4-year gap between 23 and 27 is . . . um . . . totally and completely unremarkable and not even enough of an age gap to comment on.

I mean, if you were 12 and he were 16 then YES, 4 years is a BIG deal. But once you get into adulthood these things just aren’t as important.

It’s not that he’s older than you. It’s that you’re his mistress.

B. Because he’s in an arranged marriage! Next you say you think he might not be romantic and “giving you the sweetness your sweet tooth needs” because he was in an arranged relationship and never had the experience of really being romantic.

But . . . um . . . well, lots of guys who have never been in an arranged relationship aren’t romantic either. So . . . I’m going to go on a limb and say that, once again, this isn’t because he lacks “experience” it’s because you’re his MISTRESS and he doesn’t actually think of you in a truly romantic way.

C. Why he’s not sincere. Next you say you think he might not be romantic because he’s “Not sincere.” And that’s both right AND wrong. See, he IS sincere in having you as his mistress (hence why he’s buying you things and telling you just enough to make you want to stick around without actually having to break things off with his wife - and ruin his child’s childhood.)

But no, he’s not sincere about having you as his “wife” or “girlfriend” or anything like that at all, so he good job on picking that one up.


3. How To TRAIN Him . . .

So, first off, I’m going to say that, as a man, being told that woman (or anybody, really) wants to “train me” like some kind of animal to do romantic tricks on demand . . . um. . . disgusts me utterly and completely and if that’s your idea of how to have a good and successful (and loving) relationship then this guy is probably being pretty smart to keep you as his MISTRESS instead of as someone he has an actual relationship with.

If I went deep into why “Training” a guy (or a woman) to “change” for you is an awful idea this newsletter would be a book but I’ll say this: If you want a guy to be truly ROMANTIC, the best way to INSPIRE that romance isn’t by being demanding or high maintenance or stomping your feet when your partner doesn’t live up to the expectations you got out of Cosmo . . . its’ by being APPRECIATIVE of what he DOES do for you. See, as humans, if we get yelled at for not doing something it doesn’t actually inspire us to do it . . . instead it just causes massive amounts of ANXIETY to build in our chests and acts like a little dagger in the heart of our love.

Anyway, this whole “Training him” attitude? Toxic. Problematic. Don’t do it.

So, finally . . .

What Should You Do?

Well, the way I see it you have two options:

1. Accept that you are this man’s MISTRESS. That means getting over this whole desire you have for him to leave his wife; accept the fact that buying you things is probably the only real affection you’re going to get from this guy and, probably, having him buy you many, many pairs of expensive shoes.

or . . .

2. Grow up. Stop being the other woman. Stop having ridiculous expectations of what “Romance” is supposed to be and, hopefully, go out and have a REAL relationship with a REAL man who isn’t already married.

Up to you.

Best

[Nora]

Scot, thank you so much for your advice.