I've Changed, but She Won't Forgive Me

[Roy]

Last year I cheated on my wife and admitted it when it happened because of guilt. It's been a year since and I've done some REAL soul searching and I know truly I have changed for the better. (It was difficult but I did it). Not only for my wife, but for myself and the life of value I want to have.

Anyways, this incident still plagues us (terribly) today. She'll take a "cute waitress" and turn it into "Am I not good enough? You should just go fuck her too!" when that's clearly not the case. I am patient and try to console her and be there for her, but the problems still keep seeming to get worse. It's at the point she's making things up, seeking validation (which I understand) but in VERY destructive ways, and often painful and demeaning. It's as though she still believes I am the same guy from 1 year ago and refuses to acknowledge any change or progress in me today, and moving forward.

It's tough because I know I don't deserve this sort of mental and emotional abuse, but in a way I'm trying to be patient because I know what I put her through was painful.

How long can this go on? What should I do? Help!

[Dennis]

Roy,

Wow. First off, you seem like a really great guy. Yes, you made a mistake, but you admitted it and have spent time working on yourself and your relationship. I’m very proud of you.

Let’s be clear:

Cheating happens all the time.

To think that good relationships are ones in which there is no cheating (either physical or emotional) is to live in a fairy tale bubble that doesn’t exist.

But, since I’ve popped this bubble for some of you, let’s break it down.

Why did you cheat?

Well, why did you eat that second piece of cake? Because it looked good, it felt good, you wanted to and you hadn’t had cake in a LONG time.

Hands down, the main reason people cheat is because they are not fulfilled emotionally or physically in their relationships. When someone else gives them the attention they are craving, it’s easy for us to cave and give in.

This means that BOTH partners in a relationship are responsible. (Unless your’e a serial cheater, in which case you shouldn’t be in relationships)

Yes…BOTH PARTNERS.

Why? Well, relationships are two way streets. Both men and women need emotional and physical attention. If one of them isn’t getting the attention they need, it’s not entirely their fault that they started to accept it from elsewhere. This is why the “withholding sex to get something out of your man” drives me bonkers. IT DOESN’T WORK. And if you’ve had experiences where it does, well congratulations, you manipulated the person you love. And if you’re anything like me, I don’t want to manipulate anyone I love.

So How Do You Prevent Cheating?

One thing and one thing only…

COMMUNICATION

Talk to each other. If you feel neglected or have noticed changes talk to your partner about them. This isn’t an accusatory talk, or a talk where voices get raised. Find a time to be alone, put your phones down and calmly state:

“I love you but I’ve noticed that our sex life has slowed down. I just want to make sure everything is okay. If there is something I can do to help fix it, or if there is something you need from me, please tell me”.

or

“I love you and I know you love me but recently it feels like the way we communicate about love has changed. I find that I really like little touches (or acts of service, or presents, or words…whatever you think your love language is) and I am not getting those anymore. I’m not blaming you, I just want you to know that I need those and it would mean the world to me if you would do more of them. Also, I want to know if you need or want anything from me?”

Phew…now that we’ve hammered that out, let’s get back to Roy…

How Do You Get Your Wife to Forgive You?

Again, it’s so great that you understand why she is saying these things and acting this way Jake, and you have to tell her that. You have to have that calm, reasonable conversation with her where you say

“I love you. We both know that I made a huge mistake, and I regret doing it every day. But I have also worked very hard on myself to improve and have succeeded in those improvements. I understand that I hurt you and I am very sorry, but I want us to move past this. I want us to work as a team and become stronger than ever. I know that when you make hurtful comments about other women you are projecting your anger at me, but we have to move past that. Trust me, I have beaten myself up far worse than you can imagine. We have to forgive each other for the mistakes made. We will become stronger than ever if we work together to move past this”.

If anyone starts yelling, blaming or becoming hysterical, the conversation ends. This is not the time for that. This is constructive talking about how to move forward.

Now, what happens if she never lets it go?

Well, this sucks, but you might have to move on. You have done everything you can do. You have admitted your mistake, you have worked on your mistake and you have reached out to move on together and grow stronger. If your wife refuses to work together, then it’s probably best for the both to move on because you both deserve to be happy, and staying together in this manner is only going to make you bitter and your lives miserable.

I wish you, and your relationship, all the best!

[Roy]

Dennis,

Thanks for your great advice.