He has a child, that he dont know...

[Harabusa]

First of all, english is not my first language, so sorry for all the misspellings. Need some advise.
I have been together with my boyfriend for just over a year. He recently told me that he has a child, with an ex-girlfriend, that tricked him (telling him she used birthcontrol, changing her story later and so on). He tried in the beginning to be supportive, and she didnt let him have anything to do with the child. Years later she contacted him to try to get him interested in the child, but then he didnt want to have anything to do with the girl.

I do understand why he didnt tell me before, its kind of a fresh relationship and this is a secret that only some of his best friends know about.
We are pretty serious, and we are very honest to each other.

Right now I am very mixed on my emotions. How am I supposed to handle this?
I have friends that have been tricked by girls, so I know that is a thing, and I do believe him in his story.
But, I grew up with only one parent after my parents split up, and I do believe that the child should not suffer, that the child should get to know both parents.
My boyfriend dont feel like it is his child, since he in the beginning didnt get involved and there was so many lies (he has taken a paternity test to be sure it is his, and it is).
So he has no interest in the child. Have never met the child or seen pictures..
For me its something I really cant understand. It is his flesh and blood.

Have anyone been in a situation like this? I feel I have noone I can talk to, exept him, because telling any of my friends will be dishonest against him.
So I really want some input, someone others thougt on this.

He is a very nice guy who helps friends and family out, always there for me and even take allergi medicin for my cat, so he can be around me. The cat was there before him and I am not giving up on my cat, and he have never tried to make me. we kind of semi live togheter and we talk each days for hours if we are not with each other.

[Bradwin]

I think he should be responsible for the child's well-being, especially know that the paternity test confirms that the child is his. The only person that can convince him to do that is 'you.' The fact is that he might not want to have anything to do with his daughter because he might be afraid to lose you, and that is why you have to talk to him to take responsibility for the child.

[Harabusa]

I am not at all the reason why he has no interest in his child. He knew before he told me, that I strongly believe that a child needs booth parents, and that a father is just as important as a mother, since I grew up with my father and an absent mother.
He took the test years ago and the child is 6 years old now.
Probably one of the reasons why he waited to tell me, since I have my opinion of how a father should take part in a childs life, no matter how the relatoinship with the mother is..

During our talk, we disgussed options and I said that if he wanted some contact or even some custady of the child, we could make that work, we just had to adjust some things in our life. I told him I fully support him in his choice.

But, I dont know if I can make him have contact with a child he dont want to have contact with or even think about as his child.
I asked him if there ever would be a time the mother found a man who would be the father and wanted to adopt the child, what would he do then, and he said that he would sign the papers with no questions asked...
I cant really understand that and I do not know if it will feel right for me..

Keep in mind, its been less that 24 hours since he told me...

[Victoria]

The problem you have at hand is a though one. However, you have two options;

1. Stay with him and allow him be a part of the child's life.

2. Breakup with him and get someone else you will be happy with.

Now, the choice is yours to make, so make a wise decision. Don't allow emotions come in when making your decision.

[Harabusa]

I am not keeping him from having contact with the child, not at all.
As I stated in the other answer, I am in favour of him beeing involved in the childs life.
My problem to understand is that he dont want to. He dont feel the child is his. He dont want anything to do with the child.
He just want to pay up and dont have any contact what so ever..
And I really dont know if I am ok with that in the end.

I have absolutely no problem with making the changes if he wants to be involved.
Even move closer (its in the same city but its always best to live close by the kindergarten, school, friends of the child), and I also told him that.

We are very happy together, we are best friends and soulmates.
I really want to support him in this, but it would have been so much easier for me, if he did want to have contact with his own child..