How Do You Talk About Commitment with A Guy...And When?

[Shirley]

I have a question.

I know that when you are dating, you would tell men you liked that you didn't date for more than a year if marriage wasn't a prospect.

I have shared this with many of my friends and we "get it" and have used it ourselves.

However, we are wondering what reaction would you get from men when you told them this?

Also, would you date them all the way to the year date and then say something, or would you remind them along the way at certain intervals like the 3rd month, then the 6th month, etc.?

Would you stop dating a man if certain flags were shot up that indicated strongly that investing a whole year in him would be a mistake?

I guess we just want to get more details and stories as to how this philosophy/strategy worked for you, and how it affected your decisions to stay in or leave a relationship. What did you look for?

Thanks.

[Vivian]

Hello Shirley,

These are very good questions, and women all over the world ask them all the time.

When it came to letting men know about my belief in dating for no more than a year without a commitment, I would go about communicating this in several ways. It all depended on the situation.

Sometimes at the very beginning I would ask questions to find out about the man's past dating patterns. This was just an early indicator of what I might expect from a potential relationship.

Then perhaps I would talk about friends who either dated for some years or months and got married then I would get his view on it.

When it was worded this way guys usually spoke their opinions freely.

Upon hearing his points, I would also then share my thoughts on the subject as well.

So, you can see that the conversation does not have to be blunt or uncomfortable. You need not "throw it all on the table", especially very early on.

Even so, contrary to what you may have heard elsewhere, men are usually honest about how they feel about the dating process. If a guy says he is just looking to date casually then believe him.

At that point in time he is not planning to becoming serious about marriage. To presume that you can "change him" would just be setting yourself up for heartbreak.

If, however, he says that he is looking for someone special to share his life with, then let time pass to see how the relationship progresses--which it SHOULD.

If after a few months the relationship becomes stuck, then it's time to talk about what direction the relationship should go. Find out if there is an issue that may need to be addressed in order for the relationship to progress.

Some men use the expression, "If the right woman comes along then yes I would be ready to commit." That's okay. It's perfectly fair for a man to be very careful--if not downright picky--about who he enters into an exclusive relationship with. And this takes TIME.

You don't have to break up right then and there, but unfortunately some women hear "not right now" and believe that to automatically mean "never". But that's not necessarily what he is saying to you.

Indeed, you can express to him that you believe there is a time line. You will not stay around forever.

And that's where the yardstick of a year comes into play. Assuming you aren't in some preposterous long-distance relationship that severely limits your "face time" with each other, there should be enough information available to you after a year to know if there is a future together or not.

Remember, you are not trying to pin him down to a commitment. Rather, you are simply interested in gauging whether he believes there is a future together or not.

If not that is okay. He's not necessarily a bad guy for not wanting that with you, but if you ARE looking for a long-term committed relationship then this will mean that it is time to move on.

The good news is that this will free you to find the right man who wants to commit to you, rather than staying indefinitely with a man who may NEVER get around to marrying you.

To address another of your questions, you certainly don't have to wait the full one year to break up. As soon as it is crystal clear that the relationship will not develop into anything serious then it is time to call off the relationship.

It's important to mean what you say when you end a relationship, too.

In some cases when a man can see that he has lost something great that is when he "wakes up" and realize that you are the one he wants for life.

You can feel free to handle those scenarios on a case-by-case basis. BUT...I honestly feel that the vast majority of breakups occur for good reason, ultimately.

"Breakup Remorse" is no reason to patch things up in and of itself. For many, the proverbial grass will be greener no matter which side of the fence he or she is standing on.

So to invite someone back after a breakup could very well mean you are opening yourself to "on again/off again" flakiness.

For the record, yes...I've had to make some heart-wrenching decisions myself, and ended up walking away. It was not easy. I cried and my heart hurt at the time.

But I had a goal in mind. I wanted to find a great man to share my life with.

All the pain was worth it. I found what I was looking for, and so will you.

I remember the day Scot and I had a conversation about how one should date. I was driving up to my driveway and we were talking on the phone.

Asking the same questions I just mentioned above, it was wonderful to hear him share his views with me, which were MY views also. My heart was jumping up and down with excitement!

Looking back, none of the men I dated were scared off by the actual conversation of commitment. The key was to keep the conversation light and non-threatening the first few times the subject came up.

Don't be afraid to go after what you want. Don't let any man waste your precious time.


Have Fun.

[Rob]

Is your man dancing around the topic of a deeper commitment and is driving you insane? Then sit down and get comfortable as we have some great relationship advice for women and that includes how to pull a commitment out of that boy who's on the fence perpetually. When it comes to commitment some men are as bad as not being able to throw away that favorite lucky pair of underwear that has 37 holes in them!

Men are Easy-to-Read

The ability to seek and find commitment in a relationship is one of the greatest benefits that a woman can have in the 21st-century. Men are easy-to-read and one the best ways to enlist a response either good or bad on the notion of commitment is to sit him down and talk to him. If he's a good guy and he's worth the time to be with you and your effort you'll already know what his intentions are about future commitment. You would have already had this conversation many moons ago and he would've told you one way or the other, "listen baby I just want to have a good time with you and continue to enjoy your company now while we still can and we are young or I want to get onto something a bit more serious with you and put a ring on your pretty finger". Either way you will have your answer and he will have given up the commitment question-and-answer session and you will be better off for it.

You Only Get When You Give

As the saying goes you only get when you give and this is no truer than in a relationship. A man that cannot commit is a man that does not need to be around you as you are in the mood obviously for a husband and not a bump-buddy boy. If by chance this guy is worthy of both your time and your love and your infinite patience and he is relatively good to you then here is a quick bit of advice to be listed as a commitment response. Ask him kindly to answer this question and do it in five words or less; do you see yourself with me as a wife in the next three to five years? If his answer is under five words and maybe even is one word such as yes then all is good and you might just have found yourself a hubby!

Love You Forever Baby'

The reverse can be true too if he, first of all, cannot summarize and develop five simple words to tell you of his future plans and commitment with you and deserves the boot to the curb. The best option and position to be in when you ask this question of a man would be if his answer is 'love you forever baby'. In that case you and he need to settle down and have some sex and maybe drinks some wine and talk about future planning.