Caught in the past...

[Gracielaambriz]

Well,

My fiancé and I have been together for over two years now. The majority of the time we’ve had arguements. He’s always been loving and caring and showed me affection. My insecurities lead me to believe that he was unfaithful but I never had any solid proof or actual reason to believe that he was. We have lived together for most of our relationship. We moved in at 5 months. We had this neighbor who was my former coworker who accused my boyfriend of cheating on me or at the very least him trying to cheat on me. Fast forward to now, back in July we broke up for a couple of days due to said accusation. When I came back he was freshly shaved (including down there) and the house was clean. I’m not sure if I’m paranoid but I think that he might have slept with someone in those couple of days that I was gone. We weren’t together and I don’t hold it against him. But I just don’t know how to move on from the possibly that he might have hooked up with someone in our home and after only two days of being apart. I just need any advice I can get to move on from the two obstacle. (whether he cheated or not and whether he had hooked up with someone else while I was gone) He denies either is true by the way. I want to make it work with him but I just feel like he hasn’t told me he truth and I can’t move on if he doesn’t admit to it and agree to change. Let me know what you guys think.

[Gloria]

He Doesn't Want To End His Relationship With You. He Wants To Keep His Options Open: The number one reason that most men will not admit to cheating is because he knows that you are going to be devastated and hurt. He also knows that these feelings could well contribute to the end of your marriage or relationship. A lot of women will say to me "well, if our relationship was so important to him, why did he jeopardize it by cheating on me?" The answer is often that he doesn't think that you will find out. In fact, he's counting on the fact that you won't. Very few men who cheat intend for the cheating relationship to be long term. They tell themselves that when it's over, everything can just go on and no one has to be hurt of affected.

Of course, we both know that this isn't true, but this isn't often how a cheating man will see things. He often is able to justify this by thinking if you don't know, you aren't hurt, and the world as he knows it will just go on as though no mistake has ever happened.

He Doesn't Want To Let You In On His Vulnerabilities And Weaknesses: It's actually quite common for men to cheat for emotional reasons rather than physical ones. Often, a low or affected self esteem comes before the cheating. He no longer feels attractive or powerful or young. This is embarrassing and shameful to him and he doesn't want you to see this shaky side of himself. So, rather than coming clean and letting you in, he gets himself in a situation where he tries to solve this problem on his own. He thinks that if he can just get this out of his system and work it out, he can come back in a stronger, better state of mind.

It's not until much later when he thinks about this rationally that he realizes how stupid this was. Still, he knows that the fall out of this is going to be very bad. He'd just rather not go there. He doesn't want for you to see him as weak and unable to resist things. He would rather argue with you about the truth than to let you in on it - because the truth doesn't paint him a very flattering light.

He Could Be Innocent: I can't believe I'm saying this, but there is a small percentage of men who won't admit to cheating because they simply didn't do it. Very often, our intuition about his cheating is true. But, sometimes, there are things going on in our own lives that make us over reach or see things that aren't there. If he continues to sincerely deny it and you start to suspect that it's possible that he's telling the truth, there is some pretty easy detective work that you can do (and not get caught) that can help to confirm or deny your suspicions.

In truth though, many men who are cheating will continue to deny because they know that by denying it, there's a good chance that they will argue with you and you will continue to become frustrated. They hope that you will eventually have no choice but to just give up. They know that the repercussions to cheating is worse than the arguing or the suspicions. There will be uncomfortable questions that will enrage you when you learn the answers. They'd rather not deal with this. They honestly think that they can wrap everything up in a pretty bow and eventually get back to a normal life. In these situations, they become so committed to keeping this up that you truly have to catch them to really learn the truth.

[Drake]

I think you are over-reacting, it will do you a lot of good if you believe him and move on. You don't expect him to agree to what he never did.

[Sandra]

There's no doubt this is a difficult situation, but I know it's possible to get over this resentment as I have done it. I'll share tips and advice on how to lesson and the resentment and anger following the affair.

Know That Time And Trustworthy, Reassuring Behavior By Your Husband Are Necessary: The old saying "time heals all wounds" is not really that comforting here, but there is some truth to it. Not every day after an affair is going to be a pleasant one, but as more time passes, the amount of angst and pure palpable pain will start to lessen some. Some days are always better than others and some days you may feel receptive and forgiving while the next day you'll feel angry and punishing. These swings are totally normal.

But, in the best case scenario, over time, your husband should be doing the right things to help you heal. Over time, you'll start to see that he's exactly where he says he is and he's with who he should be. He'll show you patience, reassurance, and affection as you move through the healing process, and he takes full responsibility. It really helps if a husband gives you limitless access to his email and cell phone records. You may chose not to use them, but you know that he has nothing to hide.

Over time, as you begin to see that you're getting what you need, the resentment will start to abate. But to really keep it at bay, you'll have to create a new reality.

Bringing About Emotions Other Than Resentment: In the meantime though, there are a few coping mechanisms that I can share. When the feelings of anger and resentment surface, pause for a minute and see if you can identify their cause. Is it possible that you are not getting all of your needs met? Do you need more affection, reassurance, or patience from your husband? If so, tell him. Because the resentment won't abate until you get your needs met.

When this resentment starts to rear it's ugly head, see it as the negative saboteur that it truly is. Tell yourself that every one makes mistakes and remind yourself of all of the times your husband stood by you, rocked a colicky baby, nursed you when you were sick, or listened to you when no one else would. An affair is an awful offense. I will never tell you that it is not. But, every one makes bad choices. Yes, this was a very bad one, but I'd be willing to bet that this man has other redeeming qualities that are worth a consideration.

Often, it helps to immediately busy yourself with something else until the thoughts leave your mind. My favorite way to do this was working out. It made me feel physically strong, it got my mind off of things, and I eventually lost some weight which ultimately helped my self esteem.

Making Your Marriage Better Than Ever Is A Very Effective Way To Stop The Resentment About The Affair: One big problem that I see in marriages affected by infidelity is that the person who was cheated on continues to walk around like the walking wounded while the person who cheated becomes the guy who's so guilty he walks around with slumped shoulders and doesn't make eye contract with anyone.

Both of these people are miserable and no one is having much fun. Needless to say, if you are continuously experiences negative feelings and experiences, you're more likely to see the bad in most anything and it's easier to hold onto your anger. So, to begin to break this cycle, you have to start breaking the negative feelings and experiences.

One way to do this is to try to have lighthearted fun with your partner (no intimacy if both parties aren't comfortable). I'm talking about a walk in the park, an arcade, a ride to a lake. This outing isn't meant to elicit any deep discussions or intimate moments. It's just meant to show you that the two of you can interact with one another and have positive feelings and interactions again.

If these interactions are successful and frequent, the positive feelings with feed on one another and will edge both parties toward better communication, being open about their feelings and the marriage, and being on the same side.

The best case scenario is that the work you do on the marriage and open communication gives way to a marriage that is stronger, more fun, and more intimate. Because when both parties are happy, fulfilled, having fun ,and having their needs met, neither are clinging to, (or resentful about) the past, because they are looking to the future with hope and anticipation.

[Rose Mosse]

^I am new around here but Sandra, are you a salesperson? Or is it the culture here to write insanely long posts that no one reads and she is engaged, not married.

For the original poster of the thread: Trust your instincts and leave him. I learned that the hard way. Don't waste your life over a good for nothing that causes you any suspicion or pain.

[Twopeas]

Not saying this is your situation. But I did this once or twice to my now husband back in the early days of dating him. I would break up with him and get whatever I needed out of my system (aka bone that eye candy that caught my attention) break up for 48 hours or so then get back with my love. It’s insane. Selfish and just downright filthy. But we are only humans and he’ll grow out of it I bet. I did. After 2 years in you learn how to be “kept.” The thirst for new game dies eventually. Or else you get cheated on I guess. Up to you if you wanna stick around for that game to end. But all signs point to yes for the sex. Shaved downstairs and clean house. More than most guys would do I’m sure

[stephcoet46]

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