What To Do When Her Best Friend Is A Big Problem

[Terry]

Well...I really screwed up yesterday.

So, here is situation (I will try to be brief and descriptive).

I have been dating this woman (Jeannette) for about four months now. Things have been going great and moving along nicely. I consider her a quality woman and we both are really into each other.

I met her at her friend Michelle's house to hang out for a little while. This was my first time meeting any of her friends (she has not met any of my friends yet).

We were getting along pretty well but then she makes a comment about when they went to a strip club about a month ago and says to Jeannette, "Yeah you had sex that night."

Well, that wasn't with me if she did. Jeannette has been telling me that she has been monogamous with me for at least two months now. We are not exclusive yet but were heading that way probably within the next couple weeks.

I was a little shocked that Michelle said that and the only thing running through my mind was, "Why did she say that?"

I let the comment go and didn't say anything, after all I just met the girl fifteen minutes earlier. I left soon after and we agreed to meet back up later that evening to go out.

We met up later with Michelle and Jeannette's friend Todd. Things were going good except Michelle kept trying to instigate stuff with Jeannette.

She kept saying several times throughout the night "Lets go to the strip club." She said this at least fifty times just trying to annoy Jeannette (or possibly me, I don't know).

We were chatting and out of nowhere Michelle mentions some guy and says that he has the biggest crush on Jeannette.

She said it at least three times, and then throws in that he wants to leave his wife for Jeannette along with, "Didn't you go out with him the other day?"

I am playing it cool and don't react because I didn't feel threatened. Jeannette responded back with, "Yeah right, you're so full of it and even if he did I am so not interested in him."

Michelle did a few other annoying things but I won't bother you with those.

When it was time to leave, we walked out to the car. Jeannette had driven and so I had expected to sit up front with Jeannette but to my surprise Michelle helped herself to my spot (she didn't ride there with us).

I asked her to sit in the back she said "no" and acted like a brat. She would not move even after Jeannette asked her to move.

Well, I kinda lost it and slammed the passenger door shut. Hopped in the back and proceeded to call Michelle rude and a spoiled brat in a not-so-nice tone of voice.

Needless to say it was a very unpleasant drive back, a very tense atmosphere.

I told Jeannette when we got back that I was just going to take off. I was already seriously mad and it would have made things worse had I stayed.

We get to the house and get out of the car. Jeannette comes over to talk to me and I blurt out, "Your friend is a rude, obnoxious [insert ultimate insult to a woman here]."

Yeah, I used [that word] (and I know you don't call girls that no matter how deserving they are of it) and took off. Like that didn't make matters worse.

As you can imagine, Jeannette is very upset. Michelle just happens to be her BFF from high school and she considers her a sister, basically.

I called Jeannette the next morning and tried to work this out. Turns out meeting her friends was a much bigger deal than I realized it was.

I was the first guy in three years (since her divorce) she has dated and introduced to her inner circle of friends.

Another tidbit I didn't know was that her ex-husband always made huge scenes around her friends and was not allowed to hang out with them.

So this was a big thing for Jeannette to work up to, and I failed to lead and I failed her.

This was VERY out of character for me. I have never done anything like that.

I get along with 99% of people I meet. I just don't know what happened and now I fear that I may have lost Jeannette.

So, I am stuck in the "what do I do next" zone? I did apologize to Jeannette for my behavior.

Reading back over this I keep thinking to myself, "How did I not see this?"

Please help...

[Clay]

Hey, Terry.

Wow, tough going there, man. The AMOG in this case was her BFF.

And this is somewhat different than a "c-blocking" situation, where a woman's friend steps in to play "keep away" when you're trying to meet a woman you don't yet know.

Even though most of us as guys have endured similar (and equally tedious) episodes in our lives, that doesn't make it any easier to take when it happens.

Fortunately, this one's easy to diagnose so let's cut to the chase.

Clearly Michelle is jealous of your relationship with Jeannette.

And were I in your position, I would not have put up with the catty behavior, straight up and from the very start.

That may come as a bit of a surprise to you, I'm guessing, given how upset you are at yourself for ultimately lacking restraint.

But hang in there with me here, and I'll explain.

First, there's no question that it was a sticky situation for sure, and there are no universally "right" answers here when it comes to handling it on the spot.

How exactly to execute depends on the woman's personality and the particular social dynamics of the situation.

For example, were Michelle and Jeannette having a "tiff" under the surface there that you didn't know about?

Or is Michelle significantly less successful with guys than Jeannette is?

No matter what the case, one thing's for sure: the longer you passively tolerate obnoxious behavior, the more you're granting permission to bring it on.

And things invariably only get worse from there, as you saw with your very own eyes.

The way to lead, which you duly noted as the most promising course of action, would likely have been first of all to pull Jeannette aside, express to her that the two of you don't have to tolerate such disrespect, and to encourage her to stand up to her friend.

Remember, this is HER friend we're talking about here, so having them solve their own "issues" between themselves is the first and best option.

After all, this probably IS between the two of them, ultimately.

You really hadn't given Michelle time to develop any sort of deeply-rooted resentment or personal dislike toward you yet right?

But if Jeannette chickens out or is ineffective at smoothing things over, assuming you agreed to enact a solution, you're going to have to take the lead and do something yourself.

You might serve notice that Michelle doesn't seem like a very good friend to Jeannette, acting so immature and jealous.

Again, depending on whether Michelle appeared to have any sense of humor or not, you may ask her in a good-natured tone if she would like some help finding a high-quality man of her own so she wouldn't feel the need to appear so jealous.

The first tool in the box to reach for in these awkward situations is always to address the issue directly, but with an element of humor and a decidedly casual tone.

On the other hand, if she was completely surly and unreasonable--or if the issue persisted after serving notice that she was acting inappropriately--I would have then taken Jeannette by the hand and announced that there's a much better use of your time together for the evening than sticking around.

Note that you're focusing on what you perceive to be Michelle's broadcast of her insecurities, never taking a defensive stance.

After all, none of this is really about you. So there's no need to weaken your own position by taking personal offense, right?

One of the concerns that causes us as guys to tend to ignore these situations and try to pretend they're not happening is that we fear we're going to agitate the "friend" enough that her misbehavior gets redirected as vitriol towards us directly.

But ironically, as much of a bummer as it sounds like on the surface, that may have actually been preferable to what you had to endure.

Having a jealous friend flat-out hate on you is much easier to deal with than this passive-aggressive stuff.

By the way, Jeannette knows what she's got there in Michelle.

Women are intuitive, and Jeannette knows what the deal is. What we often overlook is that when we find someone hard to get along with, others often feel exactly the same way, even if it goes unsaid.

Ultimately, Jeannette probably won't blame you for your reaction as much as you think, as it was sort of natural.

Make no mistake, though. You could have handled it TONS better.

But by now she knows you well enough to realize how easy you are for most people to get along with and how difficult it is to unsettle you under typical circumstances.

Still, you did well to apologize (as opposed to BEING "sorry"). As we've mentioned before, a great way to lead here would be to acknowledge what you would do if you had the chance over again.

Contrary to what some guys believe, sticking your head in the sand and pretending stuff never happened is NOT leadership, and certainly isn't a hallmark of having personal power in a relationship.

The Leading Man knows when he messed up, and his character compels him to make it right. That's not weakness, it's strength.

I do have another bit of 20/20 hindsight for you here that you can easily transform into 20/20 foresight in the future.

Next time, make sure YOU drive.

The one with the keys is the one with the decision making power with regard to when to stay and when it's time to go.

Plus, you're ALWAYS in the driver's seat--literally. ALWAYS remember that. And ALWAYS be in control when you're in a situation with multiple women.

Finally, I'm sure there's a nagging question as to whether any of what Michelle said was true--especially the part about the strip club and "having sex that night", since you didn't mention anything in your message about Jeannette denying that happened.

My educated guess is that Jeannette would bring up the parts that were not true on her own later if not right then and there, taking the initiative to make sure you didn't believe negative assertions about her.

If she doesn't bring it up at all though, it doesn't necessarily mean she's guilty as charged. She may just want to forget about it.

But it doesn't look good for her to stay silent, does it?

You're going to have to own up to the fact that even though she SAID she was being "monogamous", you haven't exactly LED in that direction just yet.

You mentioned that exclusivity is as yet a "future" in your relationship. So you can't expect Jeannette to be faithful to you if you aren't making that commitment to her yet.

Yes, if the story Michelle brought up IS true, that would mean that Jeannette was less than truthful. That's not excusable. But then again, have you encouraged "full disclosure" here as pertaining to "non-exclusivity"? My guess is probably not.

Ultimately, the two of you must be able to trust each other and have got to be able to think the best of each other.

You've also got to decide RIGHT NOW that third-party accusations will not affect your standing with someone you know...whoever that may be, girlfriend or otherwise.

You balance all of that, of course, with sober judgment. If there are clear, first-hand warning signs that there's trouble ahead in this relationship, you've got to be man enough to see those for what they are also and proceed accordingly.

Best wishes to you on this one, man. You've encountered one of the toughest scenarios we as guys can be faced with.

[Terry]

Hello Clay,

Thanks for your advice!