if this is true love, why am I so conflicted about it?

[claudiakay]

I've posted on here before earlier this month about a situation I'm in, and while I gained some clarity on how I feel about the person, I still feel horrendously confused. I'll give some back story so I can best support my questions. I'll try to frame my questions in a clear way, but I might just italicize & underline it so y'all can skip to the good parts if you want. Thanks for reading if you clicked on this.

So, I met this lovely boy a few months after getting out of a first mature/adult relationship where I was intimate with someone for the first time after my a sexual assault experience & being horribly emotionally manipulated by a series of men in my teenage years. Initially, I was drawn to this new boy and we hit it off great. Once we started becoming intimate though, I got scared and would feel my body tense up all over. I recognize this might be trauma symptoms, but I never felt anything to this degree before. I would look at him and feel shocked that it was him that I was having sex with. And I would feel happy and then terribly sad. After nights of extreme anxiety, I decided to break things off with this guy to give myself some space. I was honest about why, and he is more than supportive and nurturing about it. With some time, I recognized that, yes, I really care about this person, so I reached out to see him before he went back to his home state for the holidays. When I saw him again, I was completely mesmerized. And when I hugged him, it literally felt like I had that 'alcohol blanket' surrounded on me. I felt butterflies with him initially, but my fondness for him grew. I literally felt my spirit leave my body and I could notice the rhythm of my heart beating. This feeling made me elated and something I've never felt before in another person. Is this what true love feels like? This sensation lasted for about 20 minutes, but then it started to register as a trauma flashback because it sustained in intensity. That 'alcohol blanket' feeling started to feel violating and I felt really out of touch with my body/reality. This is so confusing, because how can something that feels so great feel so horrible?

I'm home for the holidays now, and he is all I think about before I sleep and as soon as I wake up. I want him here, but the thought of him being close is nauseating. When I'm in the car by myself I like to think out loud so I can hear my own thoughts (i know that maybe really weird), but I started to bawl at how much I really do love him. I think he's perfect. He has been nothing but tender and supportive to me, and I want to be with him, but I feel so far away. I've cried multiple times over how much I love him. Is this normal? The only reason why I've ever cried over a boy in the past was because I felt worthless, and I sure as heck never really cried from being so happy before for any reason. Is this what true love suppose to feel like? It doesn't feel sad when I cry, but its still crying nonetheless, and I'm so frustrated that literally hugging him can be too overwhelming to me.

Another twist to my story is that even though I can confirm that I Love this boy, I have this intense desire to be with a woman and feel an attraction for women to an extent that I have not felt before. I'm at a point in my identity development where I can just assume that I'm sexually fluid. I believe that I've felt attraction towards women growing up, but my strongest, notable desires and 'life path' has always been with men. The more negative experiences that I've had with men, the more I feel drawn to women. For example, right after my assault, I grew closer and fell in love with my best friend of six years out of nowhere. She was the closest person to me at a time where I felt disconnected from everyone. Years before that, I drunkenly kissed her on a dare at a lame high school party and it didn't make me have any sort of realization or desire to pursue her, or any woman for that matter. So, it felt kind of random that I all of a sudden felt a strong draw to her, but I don't think it was anything sexual, just romantic. But since then, I ended up having attraction towards boys and ended up getting into that mature relationship. When I was with him, I didn't question my attraction for anyone, but I'm not sure if thats because I really wanted things to work with a man that I loved after the assault and other dating mishaps. But being in this present moment, where I can acknowledge that I'm entirely in love with this new boy, why do I feel so afraid to be with him and feel this yearning to try and date a woman? Sometimes I'm able to fantasize about him and it'll nearly get me off without me doing anything. But sometimes when I think about him intimately, or a fond memory I shared with him, my mind switches immediately to thinking about a woman and it'll make me feel really confused. I guess a question I have is, can negative sexual/dating experiences affect your attraction towards a certain gender after awhile? Not to say that I'm turned gay, but like, does it make sense that my desire to be with a woman feels more appealing because I have no association with extreme heartbreak and extreme manipulation? People have always told me, what do you feel in your heart?, and to be honest I don't know. I can acknowledge that (1) I love this boy but obviously am not in the capacity to be with him, (2)I probably have intimacy issues, (3)and I'm curious about women but in my heart of hearts I'm skeptical if I would be truly fulfilled in a relationship with a woman bc a part of my attraction doesn't feel completely authentic (and I don't want to exploit people because I'm a confused individual, but I don't want to repress anything at the same time!!!). Also important to note, right before meeting the new guy, I had a threesome with a couple where I had sex with a woman for the first time aannddd I didn't love it, but didn't hate it. And I'm not sure what to do with that information at all. If anything, it makes me more confused because I wasn't thinking about women when I was getting to know this guy, but now I am back to thinking about women even though that experience wasn't really an 'aha' moment for me, ya know? Its all confusing and I KNOW I'm over analyzing all of this and that it's okay not to know/understand, and if you love someone it doesn't matter. But clearly it does right now and that makes me feel like a crappy person.

Sorry for being annoying and confusing. Thanks for reading to the end if you did. xxx Happy Holidays and New Year everybody.

[Gloria]

If you are confused on the merits of true love, keep reading for a few tips to help you sort out your feelings.

Listen to That Feeling in Your Gut

That feeling that you get in your gut is usually spot on and it can be when dealing with love a it can be when dealing with love as well. True love doesn't have to mean love at first sight, but it can develop overtime. If you have been dating for a while and your gut starts to have feelings that it never has with anyone else, then you may be experiencing true love. Think of it like you just ate a lot of very hot peppers. If your stomach has this feeling whenever you think about or are around you guy, then you have it.

Complete Me

Yes, it is a cheesy line from a movie, but if your man completes you, then you have found true love. It will occur when the two of you complement each other and help to make the other person whole. In addition, when you can't imagine ever spending a part of your life away from him, then you have found Mr. Right. Be careful, however, that you are not being totally dependent on each other. True love means being a solid individual, but having a happier life with your partner.

Not Just One

Contrary to popular belief, there is more than one person out there who is perfect for you. Keep in mind that each guy will bring something new to the relationship and could still be a perfect match for you. As long as you feel it in your gut and they help make you a better person in some way, then you can true love with one or two people over a lifetime.

If you are still waiting on true love to find you, you may feel as though you will have to wait forever. However, there are numerous ways you can find the love of your life. For one, use your network of friends and their network of friends in order to set you up. Your friends know you better than anyone else and they will know what you like and don't like in a guy. You can also try online dating which is now more popular than ever before and can lead to guys you might not have met otherwise. Finally, get out of the house and find yourself by taking a class, travelling or going back to school. True love can be anywhere, but if you take your time, it will eventually come calling.

[Ben]

To start with, I know that love is such a broad subject to tackle. It changes a person emotionally and physically. Love is often defined as a feeling of attraction towards another person. It may also be defined as a feeling of strong attachment or desire for something that catches our interest. Being in love with a person is different from the love that we feel for an object but they are both considered as love. Love can be defined in as much ways possible as you can imagine.

Most people say that being in love makes you different. It changes your outlook in life. You feel happier than usual. You feel positive and when it comes to the apple of your eyes, you often regard yourself as Superman and her as your Lois. It's funny but it's true. Being in love seems to have the effect that every little detail of the world is focused and magnified. Falling in love is something that a person could not control. It is involuntary.

So, how will you really know that you are "in love?" Being a broad subject as it is, I have found the need to explore other people's opinion about the symptoms of being in love based on their experiences. And to my surprise, there are actually symptoms of being in love! If these symptoms are present in your life, better have a heads up man! You just might be falling in love right at this very second.

Here are some of the things that I've found out.

• The first thing that they told me is that when you're in love, you definitely are inspired. You feel like you can do anything. You feel as if you're invincible.
• You think as if nothing could happen that would make your day go bad.
• You always mention the name of the girl.
• When the topic has nothing to do with the girl you're interested in, you find ways on making her the subject.
• She is the first thing that comes to mind when you wake up in the morning and she is the last person you think of at night.
• You always want to see her and you always want to be with her.
• When she passes by, you stop and stare as she zones out.
• You couldn't wipe that smirk off your face when she's near.
• You imagine how it feels to be with her.
• You practice every line and every word that you're going to tell her but still mumble through most of the conversation.
• You try and make the conversation longer by talking about nothing at all.
• You make excuses just to hold her hand. You sing songs that are so out of your genre, wait just a second. You sing?!?
• You act irrational but the things you do are always rationalized in your brain.

Judging by these accumulated symptoms, love seems really complicated but we cannot deny the fact that love is what makes people happy. Love makes us realize the importance of something or someone for that matter. Do not be afraid to love, bear in mind that if you don't risk being hurt, you wouldn't enjoy the happiness that love brings. If you've been bitten by the love bug, there is really no turning back. Just try and enjoy the ride.