Moving away with boyfriend to improve future

[vansaddict00]

I resigned from a job due to a work injury and collected my settlement money. I have saved up enough money to buy a house in a different state. My boyfriend is currently on disability at work due to allergies, so as soon as it’s up in March, he can start working elsewhere. I plan to find a job in the new state as soon as I find a house to settle in.

I currently live in my parent’s vacant house, as they are taking care of my grandmother in her house. I am living rent-free but as soon as I work again I will be paying rent. I don’t get along with my mom at all and she’s been very narcissistic my whole life. I am planning a trip from CA to Georgia and we already got the car ready to look for properties. I never really shared any insights into all the details and my plans with her because the way she talks is very interrogative and rude, so I’d rather not share in exchange for her pessimistic views.

We are supposed to leave next week and she’s saying I should fly instead of drive (because I may end up dying if stranded on the road due to an accident) due to bad weather conditions. I tell her it’s farfetched and I would rather drive to save money to bundle up in the van that is prepared with a bed, solar panels, etc. It’s more cost-effective for us. She wants me to stay in a hotel but I’d rather stay in the van to save money.

My mom doesn’t like the fact that I’m using most of my savings to buy a house while my boyfriend lives in it. She thinks that he is using me to advance his status but I’ve made all the decisions by myself and he hasn’t forced me to do anything. I am the one buying the house to live in and my plan is to have my boyfriend save up money so he can eventually buy a house for rental. I told him if we end up breaking off the relationship, he said he understands and we would still be business partners investing in real estate. He has been living with his mom and brother who live in special housing and he has been supporting both of them financially but recently told them he will be moving out and they will have to find a way to pay rent. My mom doesn’t like the idea that he can’t take care of me because he has to worry about his mom and brother. I worry that in the future, he may have to help out his family again especially if something medically happens in the future- that he may not be able to escape helping them.

My mom thinks that I should find someone to take care of me. I’d rather be independent and focus on myself rather than find someone who can financially support me. That notion is very old school and with this economy, it’s not going to work. At the same time, this relationship puts a drain on me a bit because everything he talks about is money-related, especially when he tells me about his mom complaining about money, how he still chips in for other monthly expenses, and how something is too expensive or a good deal. I do feel like I’m taking care of him to an extent, being the domineering financial supporter in this relationship. He hasn’t been able to save up as much as me because of his mom who is a single mother who doesn’t want to put in the effort to find a better job, and would rather stay at the same place and increase hours. His mom is using some funds from her mother so I don’t know what she’s going to do after her mom passes away. His brother is still in college and working part-time.

One part of me thinks this is a good idea because I eventually want passive income but I need him to help me get there because I don’t want to do it alone. My injury made me realize that time is short and I can’t rely on a job, social security, or a pension, so I need a backup plan. Secondly, if this relationship falls through I don’t know how things will pan out. I guess for me what does worry me is the financial aspect. I understand his situation financially and I know things have been handed to me but if I rent out a place in CA, my savings will be depleted and I will have to rely on work to survive. I can’t afford a mortgage out here for even a condo.

Would love to hear some feedback on this one if I should go or stay. Thanks.

[Michael]

If your moving to another state will give you a better life, then it's something you should definitely do. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your boyfriend staying with you in a house you bought. However, just make sure you don't make the mistake of using his name to buy the house, make sure all the documents of the house is bought in your name. You never know what a relationship will turn out to be tomorrow.

[vansaddict00]

Thank you for your advice! I feel like there's nothing to lose in the end since it's an investment that will appreciate in value. If anything negative happens it can always be sold.

[Becky]

You are on the right track, and your plans are absolutely great. Let me give you a word of advice, "don't build your world around a man." It's very risky to do so, considering the fact that you aren't even married to him. Even if you are married to him, it's still not advisable to do that.

There is nothing wrong in you supporting your boyfriend, however, don't over-do it. Otherwise, he might get used to it and not want to take his place as a man, but rather depend on you to take care of bills.

[vansaddict00]

Thank you for your advice! I'm definitely doing it for myself but I've experienced a married couple living in a house (bought by the mother) and the father was kicked out due to marriage problems. She then brought him back because she needed help paying rent. It was terrible but I'm hoping we can put our relationship aside if needed to reach our goals. I know we can still be friends even though our relationship doesn't work out. I do trust him enough to want to pursue this goal with him and know he will find a means to an end to get there with me. I do have confidence that we will both find a job and would consider renting out a room if we need to help pay for property tax and utilities. Unfortunately, my mom isn't on my side so it's making me second guess everything. She's blaming him for financial circumstances that are out of his hands. Before I met my boyfriend I never thought about my future and where I was heading, but he taught me to believe in myself and to take matters into my own hands. We have had different upbringings and he's definitely given me a wake-up call, as he knows how to be a provider for his family and if I need his help I know I can count on him.