Am I selfish?

[Elana]

I'm not quite sure where to put this, or even if it belongs here. I don't usually look online for support, but I feel rather isolated right now. My husband and I have been trying to have children for years, and it never works for us. I have lost four pregnancies, the furthest making it to 13 weeks.


Recently, a family member of his stepped forward and said she had been doing research and would like to offer to carry a baby for us. It would be mine and his, she would just be a surrogate, no strings attached. I am not finding myself open to the idea, and yet when I start to bring up my discomfort, I get told all these wonderful things about her.

"She's so selfless to offer."
"She doesn't have to do this, you know."
"She's giving up a lot herself to offer."


She has a high paying job, is very successful, very work driven. I understand what people mean, even if it feels like an insult to myself when they say it. I don't disagree she would be giving up a lot to carry a baby for us, but the thing is, I never asked her to. She offered, and I want to say no. I just feel stepped on whenever I try. It's a kindness, yes, and not one to be offered lightly. It's just not what I want, or how I want a child. Does that truly make me such a monster?

[Kate]

You aren't a monster, and you aren't making a mistake by turning down her offer. However, there are two sides to the coin, turn down her offer and you might never have a child or accept the offer and have a child of your own. There is still a negative side to this, she might claim ownership of the child in the future or perhaps reveal to the child that she is the child's real mother.

This is really a though decision for you to make, so take your time to think about it.

[Bill]

This is not a feeling that is related to just you, but anyone in your situation will feel uncomfortable with the idea of someone else carrying her baby. If you can get pregnant, then you can carry your own baby. I need you to be prayerful, and God in his infinite kindness will answer your prayers.

[Elana]

You aren't a monster, and you aren't making a mistake by turning down her offer. However, there are two sides to the coin, turn down her offer and you might never have a child or accept the offer and have a child of your own. There is still a negative side to this, she might claim ownership of the child in the future or perhaps reveal to the child that she is the child's real mother.

This is really a though decision for you to make, so take your time to think about it.

That's certainly one of the bigger things about this. It might be the one chance I have to have my own baby, though not by my own means. To me, it's just not the same, even though biologically it would be mine and my husband's.