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I am not sure if I can keep this brief. I have had a tough time going through all of this, and I usually start my stories from the beginning. If there’s anyone out there to read this with patience, I need you.
My background:
I am a 26 year old female with a very religious background. I have lived in the United States for over a decade now. I met my first boyfriend at the age of 18 in college. I had never even imagined discussing the topic of my virginity. Believe me when I say this, I come from a very religious background. My virginity was something I had never even considered losing before marriage. So when I met this guy (let’s call him M) freshmen year of college, he wanted me to have sex with him, as it would bring us closer. I obviously did not want that. He kept convincing me that it would make us happier, that we would end up getting married and be together forever. So, after a lot of conflict on my part, it ended up happening. It just happened. I never planned it, I never made the first move, but it just happened. Soon after, I went into a very deep phase of depression. I felt like I had made this mistake, and now I must stick by him to work it out no matter what. He started cheating on me. He cheated on me with my best friend. I ended up getting hospitalized. I was at my lowest. He told me he couldn’t be with me because he needed to marry a virgin. He sat me down and told me I was stained forever. I decided I could somehow change his mind and have him keep me. I needed someone to tell me I wasn’t dirty or stained. I just couldn’t bring this up to anybody. So I stayed with him. Our relationship became abusive. He would beat me, he would bruise me up so bad people would be extremely concerned. But, I couldn’t leave because I was afraid no one else would take me. I stayed in that relationship for 3 years. I was the unhappiest I had ever been. I used to be the happiest, liveliest person before I met this guy. By the end of those 3 years, I looked like a walking zombie. I looked older than my age. It took some of my friends to actually pull me out of that mess. I was so broken I can’t simply type any of it. I was completely devastated. For three years I heard him tell me how no man would ever want to touch me because I am a complete lunatic, psychopath, insecure bitch etc, etc. When I finally broke it off with him, I felt this weight come off my chest. But I didn’t know how to heal. So I went down this self-destructive path of sleeping with any guy who made me feel special. I used to tell every guy about my ex, they would sympathize, tell me how beautiful I was, how I needed to be with someone who would love me, and that would be it. I would cling on to that person for comfort, for love. I would cry day in and day out because I continued sleeping with people despite what my values were. My faith was completely shattered. I was shattered. I would look at every passing girl and become insecure thinking maybe she’s a lot purer than me. Maybe I’m just the slut I’ve been told I am. My sadness turned into anger, and I continued down this path until I racked up 7 more partners. It finally came to an end, when I started dating another guy (let’s call him P). P and I were friends at school, and he gave me two of the best years of college. He never asked me about my past, and already knew everything my ex had put me through since we had the same group of friends. We got along great, and I finally felt like I was gaining my old self-back. Instead of being isolated, P and I were constantly hanging out with friends and enjoying college the way its supposed to be enjoyed. He gave me nothing but love and respect, and I still smile when I think back on those days. P and I however both knew we couldn’t get married because he was on a scholarship that prevented him from marrying an American citizen. And I also knew we were going to eventually have to part ways. When that day came, it was the most civil way of ending a relationship. We’re still friends. We still talk. I care about him a lot. We’ve both been there for each other post-breakup for about 3 years now. After P, I dated my last boyfriend. This guy (let’s call him A), felt like he was perfect for me since day 1. A and I are also from the same country, we both moved to the US around the same time and had a very similar background. He knew about my past, and never judged me for it. We moved past that and continued our relationship for 3 years. We both wanted to get married and loved each other dearly. Unfortunately, due to certain religious reasons (he was from a different sect), we ended up breaking up. It was a tough break up, but I was stronger this time around. I knew if i could get over my first ex, I could get over anybody. I also vowed to never sleep with any man after A. I vowed to keep myself protected until I was married, and that I would never speak of my past again because I had finally made peace with it. I now wish him well, and we remain broken up on good terms.
Here’s where my current situation is:
A few months ago, I started talking to this guy who does not live in the United States. He is also from my country (remember I moved to the US from diff country). We met online, and hit it off really really well. I was immediately drawn by his intelligence, his humor and his hobbies. He seemed like just the man I had wanted to be with. We had so much to talk about and would stay on the phone for 5-6 hours of the night. It was going perfectly well, until he told me he drinks alcohol. I have never drank and never been with anybody who does. It is a choice I have made in my life and I have never gone against it. It hurt me knowing he drinks, and I tried asking him how we could address it because I just could not and will not see myself marry someone who drinks. It is against my morals and beliefs. However, I decided to be compromising and continue the relationship because I truly, genuinely liked this guy. I told myself that we would just work on it and find a way to move past it. I kept falling for this guy harder and harder every day. I would find myself smiling just thinking about him. We started a long distance relationship and have been together for 6 months now. At the start of our relationship, he asked me how many relationships I had been in. I told him 3. That was the truth. I had had three long-term relationships. I did not ask him the same question. I just didn't want to know because I felt like it was irrelevant. I wanted to love him whole-heartedly and I wanted nothing from the past to interfere with us. had decided to leave the past where it belonged. I also wanted to protect myself. I did not tell him about the other partners. (Side Note: I am completely clean, and have always used protection). I know how I am now, and I know I would never sleep with anyone until I am married. He didn’t ask me if I had slept with any other people, and so I decided to not even bring it up. The relationship continued on until one day he randomly said, I’m sorry I can’t be with you. I was completely shocked, and appalled. I had no idea what had happened. When I tried asking him what had happened, he simply would not answer me. He just started going off on me saying “how could you do this to me?” “How could you be this way?” “ I never want to see your face, I never want to talk to you”. I begged him to tell me what had happened, but he wouldn’t. He had been perfectly normal with me the night before. I was literally shaken. He left me and three days later decided to call me asking me “Help me fix this”. He gave me no explanation as to why he left, and started begging met to take him back. I start feeling bad for people almost instantly. So instead of asking him why he did what he did, I started being there for him and wanted to make sure he was okay. He was very upset on the phone and said he has insecurities, and just wants me to be with him forever. I asked him if someone had said something to him about me, but he said no. I asked him to give me some time to process everything; he said he couldn’t do that because he needed me. I fell for his words and decided to continue like nothing had happened. Then he started acting paranoid about everything. He would ask me if I had slept with so and so and I felt extremely attacked. He would drink every other day, and it would hurt me but I couldn’t ask him to stop. I felt like by doing that I was asking him to change something about himself. I didn’t want to change him because I didn’t want it to backfire on me some day. I kept my mouth shut when he went out with female friends, got drunk, and wasted. I would sometimes raise my concerns, and he would talk to me for hours telling me how he’s going to quit someday and he’s working on reducing how much he drinks. I would always believe him and tell him there's nothing our love cannot overcome. Fast forward to this month. We met up recently (we are in a long distance relationship) and then two days later, he starts acting really weird, and asks me how many guys I have slept with? I was extremely scared of his tone, because he made it seem like he already knew the answer. After a lot of back and forth of me telling him nothing good will come of this conversation, he threatened to shoot himself if I didn’t tell him the number. I finally caved and told him. That’s where all hell broke loose. He screamed, he cussed at me, he called me names I can never even imagine being called, he said he can never touch me again, is completely disgusted by me, wishes he had never met me. He got so extremely drunk and drugged out, he called me threatening me that he would come to my house and kill me, and then kill himself. All because I allowed other men to touch me. He kept calling me horrible names and saying he can never even look into my eyes again. He started asking me about every single guy I follow on instagram and facebook. Note: I do not follow any of those guys from my past. Now let me tell you, this guy follows over 4000+ people on instagram. MAJORITY of these are models, girlfriends, random girls from different countries. He completely cornered me on the phone and started asking me disrespectful details about my past. I was so uncomfortable but scared. I heard him take a gun out. I was absolutely horrified because he kept threatening he was going to shoot himself. He comes from a broken home, and so he started hysterically crying about his parent’s divorce, his family issues and then me. How I betrayed him. How I let other people touch what was supposed to be his. How I acted like a whore and a slut. He also mentioned how he’s slept with girls, but how he loved every single one of them. I stayed on the phone with him for 5 hours just because I was worried about his safety. It was the hardest time for me because I endured 5 hours of disrespect, disgust and slander. When he finally passed out on the phone, I felt my soul shattering just the way it had when my first boyfriend and I had broken up. I knew I could never look at this man the same again. He called me the next day telling me how he wants to fix things with me because he cannot live without me. He told me he needed me and I needed to be there for him while he gets over this “Trauma”. The whole day he kept calling me asking me to be his support because he’s extremely sensitive and is absolutely sure we will make it past this. So, I stayed. I gave him comfort. That night he asked me to give him every single detail about every single guy. I was so scared he would repeat the previous night’s ordeal that I sat down and told him things as calmly as I could. I told him my story, and how much pain my past brings me. I told him I made mistakes because I was hurting. I told him how I had vowed to never sleep with anyone unless I was married. He started listening and said he understands why I did what I did. He said he just needs time to process all this and will make it out of this. Then he started getting intimate on the phone with me and I was extremely aware of what to say and what not to say. I did not want to say anything that would make him think of my past. In the end I gave in, and started being intimate with him. He continued to say, im sorry you don’t make me feel special because you've already been with everybody else. That really hurt me. I stayed quiet and he said I need to endure this right now for the sake of our future. He said he would eventually get over it, but until then I just need to be there for him. When I said its hurting me, he said you’re not understanding my pain. I told two of my best friends about this fight, and they immediately told me to get out of this. When I told him I shared this with my best friend, he freaked out and said he’s disappointed in me and am letting people confuse me because we love each other so much and we will make it out of anything. For the next two days, he started acting normal and continuously told me how crazy in love we are. I couldn't get all of his cuss words out of my head, but I chose to be there for him and talk to him when he said he was depressed. I chose to give him comfort when I was hurting. I have stopped eating for a week, I keep thinking I'm extremely impure. I keep thinking I should be punished for what I did. I feel disgusted.
My gut tells me to get out. I want to. But, im extremely worried. He makes me feel so guilty. Every fight we get into he tells me im a bitch and I mistreat him. I have never ever mistreatd him. I have never cussed him out, or honestly anyone ever. I always put people before me. I always put my pain aside to make sure the other person isn’t hurting. But, im hurting so much right now. I am not happy. He doesn’t even realize how much I've compromised with his alcohol issue, yet he makes it seem like he is the one compromising because his partner has already done things in her past. Is this considered abuse? He is constantly yelling at me when I don't answer his calls, or If I am online but talking to friends. He constantly keeps a check on me and then says he's just coping.
How do I leave this relationship? How do I fix any of this?
My background:
I am a 26 year old female with a very religious background. I have lived in the United States for over a decade now. I met my first boyfriend at the age of 18 in college. I had never even imagined discussing the topic of my virginity. Believe me when I say this, I come from a very religious background. My virginity was something I had never even considered losing before marriage. So when I met this guy (let’s call him M) freshmen year of college, he wanted me to have sex with him, as it would bring us closer. I obviously did not want that. He kept convincing me that it would make us happier, that we would end up getting married and be together forever. So, after a lot of conflict on my part, it ended up happening. It just happened. I never planned it, I never made the first move, but it just happened. Soon after, I went into a very deep phase of depression. I felt like I had made this mistake, and now I must stick by him to work it out no matter what. He started cheating on me. He cheated on me with my best friend. I ended up getting hospitalized. I was at my lowest. He told me he couldn’t be with me because he needed to marry a virgin. He sat me down and told me I was stained forever. I decided I could somehow change his mind and have him keep me. I needed someone to tell me I wasn’t dirty or stained. I just couldn’t bring this up to anybody. So I stayed with him. Our relationship became abusive. He would beat me, he would bruise me up so bad people would be extremely concerned. But, I couldn’t leave because I was afraid no one else would take me. I stayed in that relationship for 3 years. I was the unhappiest I had ever been. I used to be the happiest, liveliest person before I met this guy. By the end of those 3 years, I looked like a walking zombie. I looked older than my age. It took some of my friends to actually pull me out of that mess. I was so broken I can’t simply type any of it. I was completely devastated. For three years I heard him tell me how no man would ever want to touch me because I am a complete lunatic, psychopath, insecure bitch etc, etc. When I finally broke it off with him, I felt this weight come off my chest. But I didn’t know how to heal. So I went down this self-destructive path of sleeping with any guy who made me feel special. I used to tell every guy about my ex, they would sympathize, tell me how beautiful I was, how I needed to be with someone who would love me, and that would be it. I would cling on to that person for comfort, for love. I would cry day in and day out because I continued sleeping with people despite what my values were. My faith was completely shattered. I was shattered. I would look at every passing girl and become insecure thinking maybe she’s a lot purer than me. Maybe I’m just the slut I’ve been told I am. My sadness turned into anger, and I continued down this path until I racked up 7 more partners. It finally came to an end, when I started dating another guy (let’s call him P). P and I were friends at school, and he gave me two of the best years of college. He never asked me about my past, and already knew everything my ex had put me through since we had the same group of friends. We got along great, and I finally felt like I was gaining my old self-back. Instead of being isolated, P and I were constantly hanging out with friends and enjoying college the way its supposed to be enjoyed. He gave me nothing but love and respect, and I still smile when I think back on those days. P and I however both knew we couldn’t get married because he was on a scholarship that prevented him from marrying an American citizen. And I also knew we were going to eventually have to part ways. When that day came, it was the most civil way of ending a relationship. We’re still friends. We still talk. I care about him a lot. We’ve both been there for each other post-breakup for about 3 years now. After P, I dated my last boyfriend. This guy (let’s call him A), felt like he was perfect for me since day 1. A and I are also from the same country, we both moved to the US around the same time and had a very similar background. He knew about my past, and never judged me for it. We moved past that and continued our relationship for 3 years. We both wanted to get married and loved each other dearly. Unfortunately, due to certain religious reasons (he was from a different sect), we ended up breaking up. It was a tough break up, but I was stronger this time around. I knew if i could get over my first ex, I could get over anybody. I also vowed to never sleep with any man after A. I vowed to keep myself protected until I was married, and that I would never speak of my past again because I had finally made peace with it. I now wish him well, and we remain broken up on good terms.
Here’s where my current situation is:
A few months ago, I started talking to this guy who does not live in the United States. He is also from my country (remember I moved to the US from diff country). We met online, and hit it off really really well. I was immediately drawn by his intelligence, his humor and his hobbies. He seemed like just the man I had wanted to be with. We had so much to talk about and would stay on the phone for 5-6 hours of the night. It was going perfectly well, until he told me he drinks alcohol. I have never drank and never been with anybody who does. It is a choice I have made in my life and I have never gone against it. It hurt me knowing he drinks, and I tried asking him how we could address it because I just could not and will not see myself marry someone who drinks. It is against my morals and beliefs. However, I decided to be compromising and continue the relationship because I truly, genuinely liked this guy. I told myself that we would just work on it and find a way to move past it. I kept falling for this guy harder and harder every day. I would find myself smiling just thinking about him. We started a long distance relationship and have been together for 6 months now. At the start of our relationship, he asked me how many relationships I had been in. I told him 3. That was the truth. I had had three long-term relationships. I did not ask him the same question. I just didn't want to know because I felt like it was irrelevant. I wanted to love him whole-heartedly and I wanted nothing from the past to interfere with us. had decided to leave the past where it belonged. I also wanted to protect myself. I did not tell him about the other partners. (Side Note: I am completely clean, and have always used protection). I know how I am now, and I know I would never sleep with anyone until I am married. He didn’t ask me if I had slept with any other people, and so I decided to not even bring it up. The relationship continued on until one day he randomly said, I’m sorry I can’t be with you. I was completely shocked, and appalled. I had no idea what had happened. When I tried asking him what had happened, he simply would not answer me. He just started going off on me saying “how could you do this to me?” “How could you be this way?” “ I never want to see your face, I never want to talk to you”. I begged him to tell me what had happened, but he wouldn’t. He had been perfectly normal with me the night before. I was literally shaken. He left me and three days later decided to call me asking me “Help me fix this”. He gave me no explanation as to why he left, and started begging met to take him back. I start feeling bad for people almost instantly. So instead of asking him why he did what he did, I started being there for him and wanted to make sure he was okay. He was very upset on the phone and said he has insecurities, and just wants me to be with him forever. I asked him if someone had said something to him about me, but he said no. I asked him to give me some time to process everything; he said he couldn’t do that because he needed me. I fell for his words and decided to continue like nothing had happened. Then he started acting paranoid about everything. He would ask me if I had slept with so and so and I felt extremely attacked. He would drink every other day, and it would hurt me but I couldn’t ask him to stop. I felt like by doing that I was asking him to change something about himself. I didn’t want to change him because I didn’t want it to backfire on me some day. I kept my mouth shut when he went out with female friends, got drunk, and wasted. I would sometimes raise my concerns, and he would talk to me for hours telling me how he’s going to quit someday and he’s working on reducing how much he drinks. I would always believe him and tell him there's nothing our love cannot overcome. Fast forward to this month. We met up recently (we are in a long distance relationship) and then two days later, he starts acting really weird, and asks me how many guys I have slept with? I was extremely scared of his tone, because he made it seem like he already knew the answer. After a lot of back and forth of me telling him nothing good will come of this conversation, he threatened to shoot himself if I didn’t tell him the number. I finally caved and told him. That’s where all hell broke loose. He screamed, he cussed at me, he called me names I can never even imagine being called, he said he can never touch me again, is completely disgusted by me, wishes he had never met me. He got so extremely drunk and drugged out, he called me threatening me that he would come to my house and kill me, and then kill himself. All because I allowed other men to touch me. He kept calling me horrible names and saying he can never even look into my eyes again. He started asking me about every single guy I follow on instagram and facebook. Note: I do not follow any of those guys from my past. Now let me tell you, this guy follows over 4000+ people on instagram. MAJORITY of these are models, girlfriends, random girls from different countries. He completely cornered me on the phone and started asking me disrespectful details about my past. I was so uncomfortable but scared. I heard him take a gun out. I was absolutely horrified because he kept threatening he was going to shoot himself. He comes from a broken home, and so he started hysterically crying about his parent’s divorce, his family issues and then me. How I betrayed him. How I let other people touch what was supposed to be his. How I acted like a whore and a slut. He also mentioned how he’s slept with girls, but how he loved every single one of them. I stayed on the phone with him for 5 hours just because I was worried about his safety. It was the hardest time for me because I endured 5 hours of disrespect, disgust and slander. When he finally passed out on the phone, I felt my soul shattering just the way it had when my first boyfriend and I had broken up. I knew I could never look at this man the same again. He called me the next day telling me how he wants to fix things with me because he cannot live without me. He told me he needed me and I needed to be there for him while he gets over this “Trauma”. The whole day he kept calling me asking me to be his support because he’s extremely sensitive and is absolutely sure we will make it past this. So, I stayed. I gave him comfort. That night he asked me to give him every single detail about every single guy. I was so scared he would repeat the previous night’s ordeal that I sat down and told him things as calmly as I could. I told him my story, and how much pain my past brings me. I told him I made mistakes because I was hurting. I told him how I had vowed to never sleep with anyone unless I was married. He started listening and said he understands why I did what I did. He said he just needs time to process all this and will make it out of this. Then he started getting intimate on the phone with me and I was extremely aware of what to say and what not to say. I did not want to say anything that would make him think of my past. In the end I gave in, and started being intimate with him. He continued to say, im sorry you don’t make me feel special because you've already been with everybody else. That really hurt me. I stayed quiet and he said I need to endure this right now for the sake of our future. He said he would eventually get over it, but until then I just need to be there for him. When I said its hurting me, he said you’re not understanding my pain. I told two of my best friends about this fight, and they immediately told me to get out of this. When I told him I shared this with my best friend, he freaked out and said he’s disappointed in me and am letting people confuse me because we love each other so much and we will make it out of anything. For the next two days, he started acting normal and continuously told me how crazy in love we are. I couldn't get all of his cuss words out of my head, but I chose to be there for him and talk to him when he said he was depressed. I chose to give him comfort when I was hurting. I have stopped eating for a week, I keep thinking I'm extremely impure. I keep thinking I should be punished for what I did. I feel disgusted.
My gut tells me to get out. I want to. But, im extremely worried. He makes me feel so guilty. Every fight we get into he tells me im a bitch and I mistreat him. I have never ever mistreatd him. I have never cussed him out, or honestly anyone ever. I always put people before me. I always put my pain aside to make sure the other person isn’t hurting. But, im hurting so much right now. I am not happy. He doesn’t even realize how much I've compromised with his alcohol issue, yet he makes it seem like he is the one compromising because his partner has already done things in her past. Is this considered abuse? He is constantly yelling at me when I don't answer his calls, or If I am online but talking to friends. He constantly keeps a check on me and then says he's just coping.
How do I leave this relationship? How do I fix any of this?
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