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Hi all!
I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. He's 40, I'm 41. We live together. My 2 youngest kids (14 & 18) live with us and his kids (8 & 14) live with his ex wife and her husband. They're with us every weekend.
We have a good relationship. It has its ups and downs, but nothing is perfect. We've blended our families together pretty well if you ask me.
My problem is with his ex wife. She seemed nice enough in the beginning, but that didn't last long. For a while she was saying nasty things about my kids and I, and I was genuinely hurt. I know it shouldn't matter to me, but I feel like as adults with kids involved, we should all get along. Eventually things seemed to get better. She asked us to babysit her baby with her current husband for a couple weekends so they could have some time away. I didn't love the idea, but I figured why not? And honestly, I love the kid to death.
The problem is, over the last couple years, my boyfriend has told me at points when he picks up the kids without me, she's asked him things like why they didn't work out or why he didn't try harder with her. (She cheated on him with 4 separate men that she admitted to, maybe more) He said he just kind of changes the subject because she's a very vindictive person (which I've seen) and he doesn't want her to try and keep the kids away or go to court and give him less time. It bothers me that she would say things like that with him in a relationship and her being remarried, but I've let it slide. She texts him a lot. He's shown me a lot of the texts, which are mostly about the kids, but it always feels to me like she's just looking for excuses to talk to him.
Well, a couple days ago we were watching TV and she was texting him. We're going through a loan modification on our house (the house they bought together many years ago) and I saw over his shoulder her asking what was up with the house. No big deal. He said he didn’t know for sure yet. Her response said something about if it doesn't work out she has a realtor friend who found him a place for him and his dog. He didn’t respond as far as I know. I'm not going to go through his phone behind his back. I'm sure he wouldn't care, but that's just not cool if you ask me.
I didn't say anything. I didn't want to look nosy or insecure at first, but it's been eating at me. That night I had a dream that the loan mod didn't go through so he told me him and the dog had a place so my kids and I had to go because he needed a change. I told him about the dream today. He said that would never happen. Like I said, our relationship is just fine so I don't doubt his reassurance. I have 2 big problems with the situation though. First, why in the world is she, as a married woman, always saying things like that to her ex husband who is also in a committed long term relationship? And even if he doesn't want to make waves, why wouldn't he tell her that's inappropriate? Or in the case of the apartment thing, tell her there's more than just him and the dog? He's being so passive. To an extent I get why, but now she's taking it too far.
There have been so many little things that are pointless to tell him about, but she says and does nasty things. When she comes to pick up the kids, she'll pet their old dog but when the dogs he and I have together come around she pushes them away saying, "you're not my dog. I don't care about you." She got him a framed collage of pictures of him and the kids the Christmas before last even though my kids and I lived here too, and in front of all of us said something about family pictures with a strong emphasis on family, as if we don't count. I know this used to be their house together, but now it's ours, yet she still just walks in without knocking and walks down the hall to the kids' rooms. She invites us to things like her other daughter's birthday parties and her birthday celebration which we've gone to, just to try and reminisce with him (in front of her husband, me, and other people) and say inappropriate things about their past or even their sex life just to make me uncomfortable. We've talked about some of them and he says she's just a nasty two faced person and to ignore it, but I can't anymore.
I'm done being nice and watching her other kid. I'm done being genuinely nice to her just to find out she's saying the things she does to him. But I don't know how I'm supposed to actually handle it. Do I leave the room every time she's here because I don't want to put on a fake smile? Do I act like it doesn't bother me and continue to show her our relationship is strong? And how do I get him to understand just how hurtful it all is to me without sounding pathetic and insecure?
Thank you for letting me vent. Any advice is welcome.
I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. He's 40, I'm 41. We live together. My 2 youngest kids (14 & 18) live with us and his kids (8 & 14) live with his ex wife and her husband. They're with us every weekend.
We have a good relationship. It has its ups and downs, but nothing is perfect. We've blended our families together pretty well if you ask me.
My problem is with his ex wife. She seemed nice enough in the beginning, but that didn't last long. For a while she was saying nasty things about my kids and I, and I was genuinely hurt. I know it shouldn't matter to me, but I feel like as adults with kids involved, we should all get along. Eventually things seemed to get better. She asked us to babysit her baby with her current husband for a couple weekends so they could have some time away. I didn't love the idea, but I figured why not? And honestly, I love the kid to death.
The problem is, over the last couple years, my boyfriend has told me at points when he picks up the kids without me, she's asked him things like why they didn't work out or why he didn't try harder with her. (She cheated on him with 4 separate men that she admitted to, maybe more) He said he just kind of changes the subject because she's a very vindictive person (which I've seen) and he doesn't want her to try and keep the kids away or go to court and give him less time. It bothers me that she would say things like that with him in a relationship and her being remarried, but I've let it slide. She texts him a lot. He's shown me a lot of the texts, which are mostly about the kids, but it always feels to me like she's just looking for excuses to talk to him.
Well, a couple days ago we were watching TV and she was texting him. We're going through a loan modification on our house (the house they bought together many years ago) and I saw over his shoulder her asking what was up with the house. No big deal. He said he didn’t know for sure yet. Her response said something about if it doesn't work out she has a realtor friend who found him a place for him and his dog. He didn’t respond as far as I know. I'm not going to go through his phone behind his back. I'm sure he wouldn't care, but that's just not cool if you ask me.
I didn't say anything. I didn't want to look nosy or insecure at first, but it's been eating at me. That night I had a dream that the loan mod didn't go through so he told me him and the dog had a place so my kids and I had to go because he needed a change. I told him about the dream today. He said that would never happen. Like I said, our relationship is just fine so I don't doubt his reassurance. I have 2 big problems with the situation though. First, why in the world is she, as a married woman, always saying things like that to her ex husband who is also in a committed long term relationship? And even if he doesn't want to make waves, why wouldn't he tell her that's inappropriate? Or in the case of the apartment thing, tell her there's more than just him and the dog? He's being so passive. To an extent I get why, but now she's taking it too far.
There have been so many little things that are pointless to tell him about, but she says and does nasty things. When she comes to pick up the kids, she'll pet their old dog but when the dogs he and I have together come around she pushes them away saying, "you're not my dog. I don't care about you." She got him a framed collage of pictures of him and the kids the Christmas before last even though my kids and I lived here too, and in front of all of us said something about family pictures with a strong emphasis on family, as if we don't count. I know this used to be their house together, but now it's ours, yet she still just walks in without knocking and walks down the hall to the kids' rooms. She invites us to things like her other daughter's birthday parties and her birthday celebration which we've gone to, just to try and reminisce with him (in front of her husband, me, and other people) and say inappropriate things about their past or even their sex life just to make me uncomfortable. We've talked about some of them and he says she's just a nasty two faced person and to ignore it, but I can't anymore.
I'm done being nice and watching her other kid. I'm done being genuinely nice to her just to find out she's saying the things she does to him. But I don't know how I'm supposed to actually handle it. Do I leave the room every time she's here because I don't want to put on a fake smile? Do I act like it doesn't bother me and continue to show her our relationship is strong? And how do I get him to understand just how hurtful it all is to me without sounding pathetic and insecure?
Thank you for letting me vent. Any advice is welcome.
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