I Don't Know If He's Cheating On Me? Or Am I Crazy? Help!!!!

[takeachance]

I Don't Know If He's Cheating On Me? Or Am I Crazy? Help!!!!

Where do I even begin?

Okay so let me start with some background on myself. I'm a 19 year old girl getting involved in her first real relationship. I come from a dysfunctional family, so I never had the greatest role models in the world. My mom comes from dysfunction and so didn't have the time or the tools necessary for healthy, functional relationships. I had two abusive, toxic relationships with two girls, but it never went beyond much. I was four years younger than both of these women and 14 when I met the first one. It was just extremely abusive and toxic.

I had two years to work on myself. I didn't even think about dating. I made so much self improvement and I'm happy with myself. I'm finally happy and stable in my life.

Back in October, I met my bf. We didn't even think about dating. We were just friends. Ironically, his ex basically introduced us. We both hate mushrooms and started talking about food, because she was having a meal with mushrooms in it? She teased and said we should go on a date to talk about it. Funnily enough, I would be stealing him two months later. :3

I keep writing out our story, but I'll just get to where I'm struggling.

We just hit three months on the 7th. He's officially the longest relationship I have had consecutively. I can't say enough good about him. He's so sweet, attentive, and just amazing. He's not abusive, he had never once put me down. He's understanding and does nothing but lift me up and treat me like I'm his princess. We are a great fit. He knows about my trust issues and that I've been in abusive relationships. Because of all the self improvement, I broke the cycle. I know I won't continue the chain of abuse. I was given those tools and now I do see that I was attracting what I was familiar to. That's why this is so scary for me.

Everything is amazing. It feels too good to be true. He's just incredible. He's good for my mental health, he takes care of me. I take care of him. It's 50/50 but some days it's 80/20 when we have down days. We are flexible with the effort. He's so patient with me and too good.

This is where I'm having doubts. Because of my anxiety and past experiences, I am having these warning bells go through my head. "It's going too well! Something is wrong! He's probably cheating on you! Abandon ship! Abandon ship!" Because I'm used to chaos and not actual love, I'm freaking out. I know this.

He's going through a lot and I'm supporting him through it. He appreciates it. I make it an effort to make him feel wanted and cared for, like he can rely on me. I was his pillar. He's making a lot of life changes and I'm proud of him. He does have perfect timing, though. (It's a joke of ours. His timing sucks.) the day before we hit 3 months he told me he loved me. I kinda knew it was coming. He was dropping hints and I could tell he wanted to say it when we would hang out. I didn't respond for a few hours because I did freak. I came to the conclusion I loved him as well.....my first real love. I freaked out.

Well, I was happy. I'm in love. Someone is in love with me. Yay! Shouldn't it just be that?

The day we hit three months, his damn ex shows up on a discord server we are on. I had never been a fan of her. I've known her longer than him, and I didn't know they had been together until after I got with him. This isn't a jealous girlfriend. I just never liked her. She doesn't sound like good girlfriend material, either. There's just something about certain people you just can't like....I don't judge people based on rumors or first impressions. I observe.

Seriously though, why did she show up the day after he tells me he loves me and the day we hit three months? I know they still talk. He told me when I got with him. We don't talk much about our ex's. I don't control who he talks to. I will never do that. If someone makes me uncomfortable maybe I will talk to him about it, but I will never tell him who he can and can't talk to. I just won't do that.

I've been up since 4 am and I just lost half of this post. I'm exhausted.

Anyways, I've been having anxiety about the relationship. Is he cheating on me? Whenever we are on call on discord I hear the notifications go off like crazy and he types a lot even while talking to me. We are busy people and don't get a lot of time together so sometimes I want him to not respond to them? He told me he's has people act passive aggressive with him because he didn't respond fast enough. Honey, no. You don't get to get upset because a taken man isn't giving you attention. He's my mine....I don't even get passive aggressive with him! I hardly ever double text! If I know he's not busy, I'll text him again after 4+ hours. I'm usually busier than he is anyways. I don't blow up his phone, I don't hound him for attention. We have a respectful and loving relationship.

Another thing that happened was we were bickering and teasing each other on chat like usual. It can come off as very mean and aggressive, but it makes us laugh. One new person said "awww is it just me, or do you two remind me of an old married couple who grew up in the time of memes?" That's funny because we love memes and have a great sense of humor. Anyways.....I told him we should tone it down because people are suspecting. I wanted to see how he would react. He told me not to worry about it and it just seems like normal banter....I kind of want people to know we are a couple....


What really had me seeing the flags was yesterday....

On the chat we are on together, I'm pretty popular. Especially with creepy guys. He teases me about it all the time. One guy was being disrespectful to me even though he knows I'm taken. We knew about this. When we first got together my bf said we would drop the bomb after one or two months. I forgot about it because I was just happy with my idiot. I also took a break from the online world for over a month. We just didn't want people meddling in our relationship. I don't want people to be in my business. That's my relationship so I was okay with it. (He was the one talking about how funnybit would be to see the creeps reactions.)

I wanted to avoid bringing it up for a while since his ex had showed up so I didn't seem possessive or like I'm trying to brag to her he's mine. It's not like that at all. I can't tell my family about us or his family, so I just want some people to know. I want to be a girlfriend someone can be proud of...I want security.

I asked if it would be cool to drop the bomb yesterday and he said "Nah, I don't want people meddling." I get that, I really do. I said "but you were the one who said two months?" He was saying he saw how chat reacts and doesn't want to have the creeps cause problems? Uhmmmm....Dude? You know how chat is? You knew before? It sounded like the weakest excuse and it hurt me...he said give it more time. How much more time?

Does he not want his ex to know? Does he still have feelings for her? Like it's just so shady how he was all up for seeing how others would react to us being together but now since she's been around he doesn't want to? She was the one who ended things....so idk. He's s great guy I don't know how any girl could hurt him. Does he not want other girls to know? He's a good looking guy and could have any girl really. He's introverted and doesn't go out much except to exercise or if it's with family....but still....it's online. He says he's fiercely monogamous like I am. I would never, ever put someone through that pain.....plus I have intimacy issues so it's like he's the only one I want touching me or flirting with me.

It just seems so damn suspicious. I just want to be a girlfriend someone can be proud of. I want to be his number one girl. His only one. I'm not saying I don't want him being friends withgirls. I don't think he even says he's taken. I don't think his ex knows. I was a dirty secret for the longest time. I don't want to be his secret. Ugh. I'm serious about this man and I love him. I don't want to lose him, and I don't want to not trust him.

He's handled my anxieties pretty well. hes really too good to be true....ugh I just want to stop feeling like this. I don't want to put him in the same category as my ex's. Is he cheating?

[A207]

Well from what you've said it doesn't sound like he is cheating. It is odd he doesn't want to tell people yet. Would his family react wrong? I would simply communicate calmly that you want to be able to tell people and have people know and explain why. You said he accepts you and cares about the insecurities you have so this shouldn't be a problem. I would just talk to him about how you feel. He probably hasn't realized it.

[takeachance]

Well from what you've said it doesn't sound like he is cheating. It is odd he doesn't want to tell people yet. Would his family react wrong? I would simply communicate calmly that you want to be able to tell people and have people know and explain why. You said he accepts you and cares about the insecurities you have so this shouldn't be a problem. I would just talk to him about how you feel. He probably hasn't realized it.

I just find it suspicious he was all for it in the beginning, but with his ex around the server it just looked weird. His excuses were a little weak in my opinion. I love him and I don't like feeling this way. I did trust him, but these little flags are bothering me. I'm hyper vigilant of red flags now because of my past experiences, so I just don't know if it's all in my head or if I have a right to feel this way.

One older woman said theres no way to be treated like a dirty secret which I was with my other experiences....and that's how I'm feeling right now. I want to bring it up with him, I just don't want to hurt him in the process. I want him to understand that this is a big issue for me because of how I have never been treated like a real girlfriend. I'm a private person, I don't need people I know in my private life (looking for advice was a last resort. I tried figuring this out on my own.) all I'm asking from him is some public recognition and to let others know he's not available.

[Clay]

I really don't think he is cheating on you, if he does he won't tell you that he still talks to his ex. The fact that he told you he still communicates with his ex means that he is open minded and not hiding anything from you.

So, stop over thinking things.

[Olivia]

Proof Is Often The Only Way To Really Get Him To Admit The Cheating: As women we often fantasize that he will be over come with guilt or morality and will just feel the need to get this all off his chest and then to beg for our forgiveness. Or, he'll decide that he doesn't feel anything or want anything from the other woman, will cut all ties with her, and then confess what he's done as way to start over with a perfectly clean slate.

Unfortunately, this is rarely the reality as it exists. Men know that we are going to react in a pretty bad way and that there are going to be some severe consequences to these actions and they want to avoid all of that. That's why they have been so secretive about this in the first place. If they wanted to bring all of these things out into the light and hash them out, they would've done that before they resulted to cheating and then hid it. So, thinking that you are going to be able to say some magic words that appeal to his sense of decency is likely unrealistic. It's often quite too late for this.

Sure, you can try telling him that you're going to act as if he's already confessed so that he no longer has any pay off for continuing to lie. Or, you can vow to deal with this together and work through this if he would just come clean. I am sure that this would work on some men with a very high moral compass and it certainly doesn't hurt to try, but make no mistake. Proof is king. And there are a lot of ways to get it.

Getting The Proof You Need To Get Him To Admit He's Being Unfaithful: There are many clues that a cheating man will leave behind. The first place to look is often his cell phone. Everyone uses this device today instead of a land line. You can start by checking his photos, call log, and messaging in box. Most men are not stupid enough to not delete these things, but there is software that can undo his delete. And, you can often find a call log that will give you a number without a name. If that number is reoccurring at questionable hours, you can do a reverse phone look up to see exactly who this person is. If you wish to scope this out in person for yourself, you can then obtain the address through a variety of reverse look ups or public information. I would advise caution here though. Once you cross this line, there is no going back and often this confrontation is quite painful and puts the focus on them rather than on you. Often we hope that it is going to make us feel better but it really only hurts us more.

Another place that you may want to check out is his car because he will often use this to transport the other woman while they are spending time together. You can often find some evidence here, but often he will play this off like these things belong to a coworker or a friend who he gave a lift. If this is the case, just use this as more information to point you toward the proof that is going to seal the deal. This just confirms for you that you are on the right track and should keep right on digging.

You will also want to check his computer. Now, many men will have several email accounts so that they don't have to mingle their cheating with your shared or known email. And, sometimes they will change their password so that you can't get in. Again, there is software that will tell you exactly what is happening on the computer without needing the personal information or passwords. You can go in every chat room, every email account, and every IM that has been visited and see exactly what has taken place.

I often prefer this second hand digging to a face to face confrontation or to following them (you can know exactly where they are via GPS tracking so that you don't get caught) because this allows you to know what you are dealing with before hand and it allows you to confront him face to face and alone without the other woman there confusing things and making the situation more volatile. Because this is between the two of you. I believe that you deserve his undivided attention when you present your proof. You shouldn't have to (and likely wouldn't want to) deal with her presence while you are dealing with this upsetting issue to which you absolutely deserve answers straight from him.

[Lost 73]

I'm lost on where the issue is? Because your in a Chat room with guys being disrespectful first move would be leave that room and not focus on what others think but what each other thinks. at 19 both very immature still to be worried about long term relationships 3 months that is bump. Just take it day by day and remove the areas that cause drama the chat room. Social media can and does wreck relationships if you let it. Always tons of haters out there.