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Hi everyone.
I haven’t posted on a forum in quite a few years, and I feel kinda bad that I only seem to turn to it when something goes majorly wrong in my life. But I feel like I’m not sure what else to do, and I need some perspective from people who might better understand what has just happened.
This is also a pretty long read and I will be vastly grateful to anyone taking the time to read it.
Also trigger warning for some mention of self harm and suicidal thoughts..
First I should say that I’d previously been in a 2.5 year long-distance relationship, seeing him physically every few months. There was big love at the beginning before it became long distance, and that never really left for me, but we had a pretty rocky first year mainly due to my insecurities and self-esteem problems when we went to separate locations. He stuck by me, but his romantic affection towards me dissipated which I always felt was because of that rocky start. There also seemed to be no closing of the distance in sight, and eventually, we split.
A few months later, I was listening to a music livestream on YouTube, and happened to notice people in the chat room talking about needing artists for album inlays. I’m trying to begin my career as a freelance artist, so I started talking to this guy. He asked for my Skype details, and feeling it was a good business opportunity, I gave it to him and we started chatting.
Very quickly he began showing signs of liking me in more than a business manner. He would say things which were clearly flirtatious, but in a somewhat more intense and romantic way than just playing around. It’s hard to explain.
Quite early on we were talking about liking 80s movies and he said he would like to watch some of these with me over Skype some time. I was very taken aback by this, because one of the things that had hurt my previous LDR was that I was often trying to make an effort to do things exactly of this nature to help keep us feeling close, but my ex would brush it off or not put in the same effort. For example, I wanted to watch the third season of Mr. Robot with my ex, and he went ahead and watched it by himself without telling me. Lots of little things like that built up and hurt the relationship.
I was very hesitant to get into a new relationship with anyone let alone another long distance one. I communicated this to this guy, and he was very understanding, and reiterated again and again how important communication and honesty was to him. He talked a lot in general, which stimulated me since I often felt like my ex didn’t talk much when I wanted to have conversations about deeper topics. We had a lot in common in that regard. Then, he happened to ask me to watch the third season of Mr. Robot with him as he hadn’t seen it yet. I know it’s something trivial and small, but I almost cried with joy and gratitude because I thought that maybe I’d actually found someone who would want to have those experiences with me, who would actually be engaged in the relationship to the level I needed.
So I said yes, and this began several weeks of video chatting and watching videos together every few days for up to 6-7 hours at a time. It was very intense and felt like we clicked and connected very strongly and easily.
However, quite early on, this guy sent me a picture of a girl he said he had “been dating recently”. She is a metal chick with crazy make up, clothes, coloured hair and contact lenses, He said that he didn’t like the way she wore so much make up, and that he liked my Skype picture because I wear little make up and look natural, calling me beautiful. I asked if they were in a relationship. He said “I test waters” and then went on to talk about other areas where they clashed, and how he will “do what I always do” and bail on her before they even have sex. This probably should have given me alarm bells but I was starting to get interested in him at this point. He has a YouTube channel so I had already seen him and found him attractive.
For the next few weeks he would praise my beauty on video chat and tell me how he thought I had more, better qualities than this other girl. That he thought I was the right girl for him, his dream girl, that I stimulated him both sexually and intellectually, and that when he thought of me he imagined us living together and even said I was wife material several times. He asked me to visit his country and talked about all the romantic and sexual things we could do together in nature, and that I could come and live with him and work with him in his house that he rents out to tourists. It felt like a dream come true. Everything I wanted in a partner he seemed to possess – expression of romance, in touch with his emotions, passion for art, communication, honesty, compatible sexuality, love for nature. And I thought he actually saw something in me. We also got sexual on camera and I made myself vulnerable with him... and I thought he was doing the same with me.
This went on and on. He would randomly tell me how much he liked me, how he got excited when even talking to his friends about me and how he didn’t get that with this other girl. He said he told his best friend about me and how we synchronise in all of our views, that I might be “the one” and that his best friend had said he should go for me. Then he said he had made his decision and acted like we were now in a relationship. He said we might fight sometimes and that it might be hard, but that “you are worth it. You are very worth it”.
I started looking up flights to his country and we talked about what we would do when I visited. I didn’t think 100% we would get married or anything, but I thought it was such a slim chance of how we met, that maybe it was meant to be, that it was a beautiful opportunity, and I wanted to meet him in person to see if it really could work out. I guess I’m a sucker for the potential of love.
Well, I also knew that this other girl was coming to meet him, as he had already arranged to meet her in person before stuff had been happening with us. She also lives in another country, but they grew up together as children and had been Skyping since winter. So I knew he would meet with her and it did scare me a bit in case he changed his mind
The night before they were supposed to meet, we Skyped until 2am and spontaneously decided that when we went to sleep we would keep the call running so we would feel closer to each other. It felt really special and beautiful and it was the first time I’ve ever done anything like that. I felt like we were being vulnerable together.
Then the next day he asked me if it was still ok to go meet this girl because he didn’t want to be a total asshole by canceling on her. I said yes, and asked if he would tell her about me. Well he went offline but when he got back he replied to my message that he couldn’t tell her about me because he didn’t want to upset her, and that he would just slip away from her gradually and make her lose interest. He said they cuddled a bit on the park bench but that was it. I was a bit upset by this as we had talked a lot about cuddling and wanting to have physical contact with each other and told him you need to tell her in case she wants more from you. He basically said that I was right, that he was a coward, and that he would tell her the truth the next day. But that he would have to “survive” the next 3 days of her visit without kissing or “doing stuff”. Survive? Surely it’s not that hard, I thought.
The next day he said he was gona go to some other friends house and not meet with her. Then that night he said he was just going to avoid her but (also?) invite her to a friends barbecue and just treat her like a friend. When I expressed concern that she might not take it that way and that he should be honest with her, he said that they weren’t dating, they had never been dating, and that “sweet talking on the internet doesn’t count”. Alarm bells started. I was highly, highly confused by this. I pointed all his contradictions out to him and all I got back were reassurances that I was in his heart, that he liked and wanted me more, that he connected better with me, that I needed to trust him and that it was almost impossible for him to have met someone like me that he clicked with so much.
I got emotional and told him I wanted to be with him, but maybe he would be better off with her, and he said he’d rather have me. I asked if he was sincere about wanting me to visit him and do stuff with him. He said yes... but then he said that he’d never been in a long relationship before and didn’t know what he’d be like in a month’s time, and might need me to “pull his hand a bit”. Something felt off, but I tried to trust him. I wanted to trust him and get over my own trust issues.
Next day he then said he wasn’t going to the bbq and was just gona stay home. Now, another thing is that he got me to join his old school IRC chat room on his website. He had previously made some random comments about getting other girls to join it but they never stayed, and even mentioned them being his “experiments” but I thought he was just joking. It had felt nice to be part of this space with him, and I liked feeling like a part of it with his friends. I felt like maybe I could be the one to stay, and actually get to know him and them better. I got an urge to go on the chat that day…. And lo and behold, there he was, boasting to all his friends about being with this other girl, and how he was getting “porn star quality action”.
....
I called him out on it, and he admitted to me he had been lying to me even before meeting with her. Telling me comforting lies to protect my feelings, apparently. What feelings though? The feelings he created out of nothing by telling me all that “sweet” stuff?
He said he was planning to fade out slowly and not tell me about her, just wait for me to lose interest in him. So what was the point in doing any of this then? I thought maybe he just hadn’t been sure on her, and when they met in person he realised he did like her. But he could have just told me that. But… he said the lies started before he even met her in person. He said he always knew it could never happen, and that he did like her more, that he lied about her being ugly to make me feel good, that what they have is special… and that he wanted to create a fantasy for me so that I didn’t suffer. That he noticed if he told the truth I suffered, so he switched to lies (blaming me essentially?). And who knows how long it would have lasted? Did he want me to keep “pulling his hand” even though he never intended for it to go anywhere? I’m glad for whatever it was that gave me the urge to check the IRC when I did. He made a weird comment about how him and his IRC friends are hackers and social engineering is what they do. This made me think he is just incredibly manipulative.... but if he really wanted to manipulate me, why tell me about her in the first place..? and why be so sloppy about boasting to his friends in a place he knows I visit?
He also, unbelievably, asked if we could still be friends “after you chill out in a few days”. He basically begged me to stay as his friend and keep talking to him about art and intellectual stuff. He didn’t seem to grasp that friendship needs to be based on trust and that I felt like I didn’t know if I could believe anything he said after this. He asked me why I felt so strongly towards him after only a few weeks…. It’s like wtf dude, you were the one telling me you basically wanted to marry me!!
So I don’t really know what just happened, but I can’t stop thinking about it. It all ended about a week ago and I keep going into very very low depressive states where I think of self harm and suicide (I have a history of these issues).
I keep asking myself over and over which parts were lies and which parts were truths and yearning with all my heart that maybe part of him did like me and he was just really confused. My friends told me he sounds like a cat fisher, and in my attempts to understand it I’ve read about psychic vampires, narcissists and compulsive liars, which he does meet some of the criteria of.. for example his ego was pretty big, he would say things about the huge effect he has on all women, how all women have feelings for him, and that he never fails to get the women he wants (even though he said he’s a nerd who isolates himself and hasn’t had very much sex…). I thought maybe he was just bigging himself up due to actual low self esteem. He would also do things like constantly ask me where I was if I hadn’t replied for like half a day, which at the time felt like he just missed me but now I wonder if it was a form of control.
Maybe I’m just desperately trying to put a label on it so it can make sense in my mind. I just don’t understand why or how someone could so actively tell me the things he said if he didn’t feel or mean at least some of them.
I don’t know how I will be able trust anyone ever again. I felt like I’d finally found my soul mate, and to have it ripped from under me in this way has been a shock to the system. And the whole time being compared to this other woman has just torn a hole in the parts of my self image most deeply affected by insecurity. I keep thinking why did he choose her, why is she better than me, why am I not good enough? I think of the information I know about her… she is a model, she can write poetry and sing, she is beautiful. That he might have wanted to choose me over a person like this made me feel special and like I actually had good qualities… and that he decided that wasn’t true, felt like a huge slap to the face in every single aspect of my life. I imagine him with her and being so happy with her and never thinking of me. I wonder if he misses me or regrets any of it. I know that what I should take from this is that I need to stop basing my self worth on what other people think of me and find it within myself. But knowing this after the fact doesn’t stop the pain that I feel right now.
I have cut off all contact from him, but I keep getting urges to email him to tell him that I loved him, and part of me hopes he will realise he made a mistake and come back to me, but I know it’s probably not going to happen and that I should just move on and forget, because I couldn’t ever trust him now anyway, and I know I only fell for the false person he pretended to be. We only knew each other for a short time and I feel stupid for falling so fast and so hard for someone I didn't really know. I feel like there’s a part of my brain that doesn’t understand the reality of the situation and is still looking forward to all of the things we were going to do together. I also have some OCD traits and find myself getting urges to check his YouTube channel for new videos just so I can see him, but I know it only hurts and causes wild anxiety in me when I do.
It feels really, really bad.
Thanks to anyone who read this far and who takes the time to comment.
I haven’t posted on a forum in quite a few years, and I feel kinda bad that I only seem to turn to it when something goes majorly wrong in my life. But I feel like I’m not sure what else to do, and I need some perspective from people who might better understand what has just happened.
This is also a pretty long read and I will be vastly grateful to anyone taking the time to read it.
Also trigger warning for some mention of self harm and suicidal thoughts..
First I should say that I’d previously been in a 2.5 year long-distance relationship, seeing him physically every few months. There was big love at the beginning before it became long distance, and that never really left for me, but we had a pretty rocky first year mainly due to my insecurities and self-esteem problems when we went to separate locations. He stuck by me, but his romantic affection towards me dissipated which I always felt was because of that rocky start. There also seemed to be no closing of the distance in sight, and eventually, we split.
A few months later, I was listening to a music livestream on YouTube, and happened to notice people in the chat room talking about needing artists for album inlays. I’m trying to begin my career as a freelance artist, so I started talking to this guy. He asked for my Skype details, and feeling it was a good business opportunity, I gave it to him and we started chatting.
Very quickly he began showing signs of liking me in more than a business manner. He would say things which were clearly flirtatious, but in a somewhat more intense and romantic way than just playing around. It’s hard to explain.
Quite early on we were talking about liking 80s movies and he said he would like to watch some of these with me over Skype some time. I was very taken aback by this, because one of the things that had hurt my previous LDR was that I was often trying to make an effort to do things exactly of this nature to help keep us feeling close, but my ex would brush it off or not put in the same effort. For example, I wanted to watch the third season of Mr. Robot with my ex, and he went ahead and watched it by himself without telling me. Lots of little things like that built up and hurt the relationship.
I was very hesitant to get into a new relationship with anyone let alone another long distance one. I communicated this to this guy, and he was very understanding, and reiterated again and again how important communication and honesty was to him. He talked a lot in general, which stimulated me since I often felt like my ex didn’t talk much when I wanted to have conversations about deeper topics. We had a lot in common in that regard. Then, he happened to ask me to watch the third season of Mr. Robot with him as he hadn’t seen it yet. I know it’s something trivial and small, but I almost cried with joy and gratitude because I thought that maybe I’d actually found someone who would want to have those experiences with me, who would actually be engaged in the relationship to the level I needed.
So I said yes, and this began several weeks of video chatting and watching videos together every few days for up to 6-7 hours at a time. It was very intense and felt like we clicked and connected very strongly and easily.
However, quite early on, this guy sent me a picture of a girl he said he had “been dating recently”. She is a metal chick with crazy make up, clothes, coloured hair and contact lenses, He said that he didn’t like the way she wore so much make up, and that he liked my Skype picture because I wear little make up and look natural, calling me beautiful. I asked if they were in a relationship. He said “I test waters” and then went on to talk about other areas where they clashed, and how he will “do what I always do” and bail on her before they even have sex. This probably should have given me alarm bells but I was starting to get interested in him at this point. He has a YouTube channel so I had already seen him and found him attractive.
For the next few weeks he would praise my beauty on video chat and tell me how he thought I had more, better qualities than this other girl. That he thought I was the right girl for him, his dream girl, that I stimulated him both sexually and intellectually, and that when he thought of me he imagined us living together and even said I was wife material several times. He asked me to visit his country and talked about all the romantic and sexual things we could do together in nature, and that I could come and live with him and work with him in his house that he rents out to tourists. It felt like a dream come true. Everything I wanted in a partner he seemed to possess – expression of romance, in touch with his emotions, passion for art, communication, honesty, compatible sexuality, love for nature. And I thought he actually saw something in me. We also got sexual on camera and I made myself vulnerable with him... and I thought he was doing the same with me.
This went on and on. He would randomly tell me how much he liked me, how he got excited when even talking to his friends about me and how he didn’t get that with this other girl. He said he told his best friend about me and how we synchronise in all of our views, that I might be “the one” and that his best friend had said he should go for me. Then he said he had made his decision and acted like we were now in a relationship. He said we might fight sometimes and that it might be hard, but that “you are worth it. You are very worth it”.
I started looking up flights to his country and we talked about what we would do when I visited. I didn’t think 100% we would get married or anything, but I thought it was such a slim chance of how we met, that maybe it was meant to be, that it was a beautiful opportunity, and I wanted to meet him in person to see if it really could work out. I guess I’m a sucker for the potential of love.
Well, I also knew that this other girl was coming to meet him, as he had already arranged to meet her in person before stuff had been happening with us. She also lives in another country, but they grew up together as children and had been Skyping since winter. So I knew he would meet with her and it did scare me a bit in case he changed his mind
The night before they were supposed to meet, we Skyped until 2am and spontaneously decided that when we went to sleep we would keep the call running so we would feel closer to each other. It felt really special and beautiful and it was the first time I’ve ever done anything like that. I felt like we were being vulnerable together.
Then the next day he asked me if it was still ok to go meet this girl because he didn’t want to be a total asshole by canceling on her. I said yes, and asked if he would tell her about me. Well he went offline but when he got back he replied to my message that he couldn’t tell her about me because he didn’t want to upset her, and that he would just slip away from her gradually and make her lose interest. He said they cuddled a bit on the park bench but that was it. I was a bit upset by this as we had talked a lot about cuddling and wanting to have physical contact with each other and told him you need to tell her in case she wants more from you. He basically said that I was right, that he was a coward, and that he would tell her the truth the next day. But that he would have to “survive” the next 3 days of her visit without kissing or “doing stuff”. Survive? Surely it’s not that hard, I thought.
The next day he said he was gona go to some other friends house and not meet with her. Then that night he said he was just going to avoid her but (also?) invite her to a friends barbecue and just treat her like a friend. When I expressed concern that she might not take it that way and that he should be honest with her, he said that they weren’t dating, they had never been dating, and that “sweet talking on the internet doesn’t count”. Alarm bells started. I was highly, highly confused by this. I pointed all his contradictions out to him and all I got back were reassurances that I was in his heart, that he liked and wanted me more, that he connected better with me, that I needed to trust him and that it was almost impossible for him to have met someone like me that he clicked with so much.
I got emotional and told him I wanted to be with him, but maybe he would be better off with her, and he said he’d rather have me. I asked if he was sincere about wanting me to visit him and do stuff with him. He said yes... but then he said that he’d never been in a long relationship before and didn’t know what he’d be like in a month’s time, and might need me to “pull his hand a bit”. Something felt off, but I tried to trust him. I wanted to trust him and get over my own trust issues.
Next day he then said he wasn’t going to the bbq and was just gona stay home. Now, another thing is that he got me to join his old school IRC chat room on his website. He had previously made some random comments about getting other girls to join it but they never stayed, and even mentioned them being his “experiments” but I thought he was just joking. It had felt nice to be part of this space with him, and I liked feeling like a part of it with his friends. I felt like maybe I could be the one to stay, and actually get to know him and them better. I got an urge to go on the chat that day…. And lo and behold, there he was, boasting to all his friends about being with this other girl, and how he was getting “porn star quality action”.
....
I called him out on it, and he admitted to me he had been lying to me even before meeting with her. Telling me comforting lies to protect my feelings, apparently. What feelings though? The feelings he created out of nothing by telling me all that “sweet” stuff?
He said he was planning to fade out slowly and not tell me about her, just wait for me to lose interest in him. So what was the point in doing any of this then? I thought maybe he just hadn’t been sure on her, and when they met in person he realised he did like her. But he could have just told me that. But… he said the lies started before he even met her in person. He said he always knew it could never happen, and that he did like her more, that he lied about her being ugly to make me feel good, that what they have is special… and that he wanted to create a fantasy for me so that I didn’t suffer. That he noticed if he told the truth I suffered, so he switched to lies (blaming me essentially?). And who knows how long it would have lasted? Did he want me to keep “pulling his hand” even though he never intended for it to go anywhere? I’m glad for whatever it was that gave me the urge to check the IRC when I did. He made a weird comment about how him and his IRC friends are hackers and social engineering is what they do. This made me think he is just incredibly manipulative.... but if he really wanted to manipulate me, why tell me about her in the first place..? and why be so sloppy about boasting to his friends in a place he knows I visit?
He also, unbelievably, asked if we could still be friends “after you chill out in a few days”. He basically begged me to stay as his friend and keep talking to him about art and intellectual stuff. He didn’t seem to grasp that friendship needs to be based on trust and that I felt like I didn’t know if I could believe anything he said after this. He asked me why I felt so strongly towards him after only a few weeks…. It’s like wtf dude, you were the one telling me you basically wanted to marry me!!
So I don’t really know what just happened, but I can’t stop thinking about it. It all ended about a week ago and I keep going into very very low depressive states where I think of self harm and suicide (I have a history of these issues).
I keep asking myself over and over which parts were lies and which parts were truths and yearning with all my heart that maybe part of him did like me and he was just really confused. My friends told me he sounds like a cat fisher, and in my attempts to understand it I’ve read about psychic vampires, narcissists and compulsive liars, which he does meet some of the criteria of.. for example his ego was pretty big, he would say things about the huge effect he has on all women, how all women have feelings for him, and that he never fails to get the women he wants (even though he said he’s a nerd who isolates himself and hasn’t had very much sex…). I thought maybe he was just bigging himself up due to actual low self esteem. He would also do things like constantly ask me where I was if I hadn’t replied for like half a day, which at the time felt like he just missed me but now I wonder if it was a form of control.
Maybe I’m just desperately trying to put a label on it so it can make sense in my mind. I just don’t understand why or how someone could so actively tell me the things he said if he didn’t feel or mean at least some of them.
I don’t know how I will be able trust anyone ever again. I felt like I’d finally found my soul mate, and to have it ripped from under me in this way has been a shock to the system. And the whole time being compared to this other woman has just torn a hole in the parts of my self image most deeply affected by insecurity. I keep thinking why did he choose her, why is she better than me, why am I not good enough? I think of the information I know about her… she is a model, she can write poetry and sing, she is beautiful. That he might have wanted to choose me over a person like this made me feel special and like I actually had good qualities… and that he decided that wasn’t true, felt like a huge slap to the face in every single aspect of my life. I imagine him with her and being so happy with her and never thinking of me. I wonder if he misses me or regrets any of it. I know that what I should take from this is that I need to stop basing my self worth on what other people think of me and find it within myself. But knowing this after the fact doesn’t stop the pain that I feel right now.
I have cut off all contact from him, but I keep getting urges to email him to tell him that I loved him, and part of me hopes he will realise he made a mistake and come back to me, but I know it’s probably not going to happen and that I should just move on and forget, because I couldn’t ever trust him now anyway, and I know I only fell for the false person he pretended to be. We only knew each other for a short time and I feel stupid for falling so fast and so hard for someone I didn't really know. I feel like there’s a part of my brain that doesn’t understand the reality of the situation and is still looking forward to all of the things we were going to do together. I also have some OCD traits and find myself getting urges to check his YouTube channel for new videos just so I can see him, but I know it only hurts and causes wild anxiety in me when I do.
It feels really, really bad.
Thanks to anyone who read this far and who takes the time to comment.
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