I'm in dire need of advice.

[raizorpoke]

Hey everyone,

I'm new here and I have come here to seek some advice about my current relationship of 5 months and the issues I'm facing and actions I should take. Sorry, this is a long ish read.

Backstory

I joined uni September 15th with 11 other flatmates. Over time I became good friends with them and one of the girls I found very cute, attractive, quirky and funny. I eventually went in for a kiss out of the blue and she luckily enjoyed it, this was around mid-November. Over Christmas holiday (Dec 27th) we made it official and we were boyfriend and girlfriend (i'm 21, she is 18).

We live in the same flat so we see each other every day and she spent every day in my room or vice versa and doing everything with me - going to dinner together, watching films and we were in love, truely - looking at each other through lovestruck eyes. She is so unique and I feel like she and I really click in so many ways.

The conflict

Next comes around April 27th, she got me drunk and then sat me down on the bed and said; "what would you say if I just wanted to be friends". I was drunk, realised she got me and herself drunk to tell me this and I compared it in my mind to telling me over text. Due to the nature of being let down in this way, the abruptness and the fact I was drunk I just got up and ran. I ran for about a mile and stopped at a canal wanting to jump in. The last part of my rational mind told me how stupid that is so I didn't.

I came back, sat down on the bed trying to get a reason which she didn't give me and I got mad. Texted my friends some awful stuff which I regret (I will get back into later) and went to sleep.

The "break-up" letter

The night after I saw a letter on my bed and it was a breakup letter "kind of" - it read something along the lines of "I love you but I'm not in love with you. But based on what you said I want to keep trying and re-kindle that love". I was understandably upset but I made sure she wanted to carry on and see what the future held after I explained that it is normal to lose such strong attraction when we see each other so often etc, the romantic initial love always fades.

The near relationship-ender

The week or so before the 12th may she was acting off, and angry at me. Turns out she went through my messages and saw what I was saying (which I didn't even know I wrote at the time) in a blind rage I was texting my friends some disgusting and childish stuff and it broke her heart to read. I know it did because it broke mine going through and looking at what I wrote. It truely did disgust me and I felt as though my guts were torn out.

One more I gave her the most sincere apology I could muster, she said she could forgive me. Later that same night she got drunk and clearly, she didn't even begin to forgive me as she kept referring back to when I was calling her childish in my texts. She showed me a list she wrote which was titles "reasons for/against staying with me" - as for 'for' she put a bunch of things and the ones I remember were:

- because I love him!!!
- hes attractive
- he's perfect
- its scary breaking up
- I see a future together

for against she had:

- I still scout out people in clubs (check them out)
- I've thought about cheating
- I miss being single
- I want to try new things/people


There was more for both but I can't remember now its been a few weeks. There was some promise but it turns out she made that list earlier in the day before being drunk and presumably before seeing my messages. That night I spoke to her again, I mentioned how she put that she loved me and she looked at me and said, "loved". She calmed down later that night, we both cried and she hugged me - said sorry and we went to sleep in the same bed.

The summer holiday

A few days later comes the summer holiday on the 12th (4 days after that last conflict) things were going ok, a bit of tension but it appeared as though things could get better. Online for a while she was saying stuff like "i really miss you, I hate it", lovely goodnight messages most nights and I thought things could make it through.

Things get confusing because 2 nights ago in the space of an hour she went from being lovely with flirtatious and loving calls and messages to being really cold and distant. The nightly "I miss yous" and "I love yous" are gone and just replaced with "night". I even tried to send her a nice message and said "good night darling, looking forward to watching shooting stars with you x" and she responded "sureee". This is literally the same night where she was being really loving and flirtatious and im not sure if I'm reading too much into it but I don't know whats up. She is adamant it is nothing but she always bottles things up.

I don't get why she is being so short with me, not sending nice goodnight messages and not responding in a loving way like she was just 3 days ago. She hasn't said she misses me in a few days and idk why and if it is something I have done wrong.

Help

Is this relationship saveable, why could she be being this cold over such a shot period of times. From days ago saying she misses me to short responses. I am scared and I genuinly want to put all I can into saving it so any advice would be welcome!

[Brett]

This was a really long read. I'm already exhausted reading this.

Anyways, I will advice you give her space and don't try to terrorize her with calls and text asking her the reasons for her actions.

Give her the space she needs now, because doing otherwise will make you appear unattractive. Simply allow her do whatever she wishes to do for now, she will eventually contact you when she is ready to talk again.

[Julia]

Communications at this point are likely to only make matters worse as the two of you are far too emotional to speak about the breakup or the chance for reconciliation at the moment.

If you've given in to the temptation to call, text, or show up at your partners place since the breakup, you likely know exactly what I'm talking about. Your attempts were likely rebuffed, leaving you feeling even worse, and causing you to fall a few steps backwards in your attempts to get your ex back. Do not make the situation any worse by contacting them again. Give them what you BOTH need - time.

You will have to truly accept that you are broken up for the moment and that you will not see or speak to your ex for awhile. Just remember, it is far better to wait a little while, than to have your hopes of EVER getting your ex back dashed, by a stupid mistake. You will see each other again, and remind yourself of this to help make it easier to cope during the time apart.

To get your ex back, they need to miss having you around - and obviously, your incessant calling is not going to allow them to do that - so making yourself scarce for awhile will not only allow him to get over the bad, but to remember the good, and he'll start to miss you and actually want you around again.

This is the best way to give your ex back, as it allows them the illusion of control and DOES allow them to come back around at their own pace. After having time to get over the pain of the split, they will begin to miss you like mad, and this will get to a point where they can no longer stand it and will contact you for a second chance.

[raizorpoke]

Communications at this point are likely to only make matters worse as the two of you are far too emotional to speak about the breakup or the chance for reconciliation at the moment.

If you've given in to the temptation to call, text, or show up at your partners place since the breakup, you likely know exactly what I'm talking about. Your attempts were likely rebuffed, leaving you feeling even worse, and causing you to fall a few steps backwards in your attempts to get your ex back. Do not make the situation any worse by contacting them again. Give them what you BOTH need - time.

You will have to truly accept that you are broken up for the moment and that you will not see or speak to your ex for awhile. Just remember, it is far better to wait a little while, than to have your hopes of EVER getting your ex back dashed, by a stupid mistake. You will see each other again, and remind yourself of this to help make it easier to cope during the time apart.

To get your ex back, they need to miss having you around - and obviously, your incessant calling is not going to allow them to do that - so making yourself scarce for awhile will not only allow him to get over the bad, but to remember the good, and he'll start to miss you and actually want you around again.

This is the best way to give your ex back, as it allows them the illusion of control and DOES allow them to come back around at their own pace. After having time to get over the pain of the split, they will begin to miss you like mad, and this will get to a point where they can no longer stand it and will contact you for a second chance.

There may have been some miss-communication , she isn't my ex - I have a feeling she is thinking of breaking up soon though but it could just be me worrying.

[raizorpoke]

This was a really long read. I'm already exhausted reading this.

Anyways, I will advice you give her space and don't try to terrorize her with calls and text asking her the reasons for her actions.

Give her the space she needs now, because doing otherwise will make you appear unattractive. Simply allow her do whatever she wishes to do for now, she will eventually contact you when she is ready to talk again.

Thank you for your advice and I am sorry about the read!

Its not that she doesnt talk, she just says really basic stuff or statements I cant really reply to and if I do or reach out to her she gives me a short response to end the convo. Goodnight messages have devolved over a few nights from "I miss you so much baby" to just "night" - should I drop contact, ignore what she says or just mirror it?