Work Love Interest

[stvcobbs]

I am married for 18 years. I have become limerent over a woman at work, I am 58 my work friend is 54. I speak English she speaks mostly Portuguese but also speaks English, Spanish and French. I engaged her flirty talk and close discussions over a year ago, she reciprocated. She knew I was married. I knew I was married, but I have a definite problem with my marriage, will discuss in another topic. Be it known that the marriage portion is not typical but it is intertwined to the need of advice here, The woman at work is on a visa to the US that is expired by 5 years, and she is desperate for her own solution. One of her solutions are to ask me to divorce my wife and marry her, come live with her in her house until we could get approval from immigration authorities and then be released back to my current wife to re-marry. BIZZARE! but I had considered it and even discussed it with my wife. This is all looks very well and doable on paper but the problem is, I had already fallen in love for this woman and cannot stop thinking about her. I am draining myself from all sleep and everything within my day includes her on my mind.
After her proposal I had written her a messenger message explaining:
#1) I am dedicated to support my wife and cannot leave her alone
#2) I am in love with her and cannot see this as a business proposal but as a love relationship proposal

I realize these two things are contrary to each other, but that is just what I have to consider. Since then she has told me that she needs to find a man in her life and I have told her that I am ready to make a jump and get a divorce. Except for at work the woman will not have any further discussions with me, even at work its just a passing hello. I have tried everything I can to re-open the relationship with her but I have had no success. Okay I know that her priorities are her own and she needs to do what she believes is necessary and obviously it is to get it done without the drama of breaking up a marriage. The woman is a claimed christian and actually lives a pretty decent home style life, her mother came to visit her for a few months and I had the opportunity to meet her and have prayer over a dinner with her mother and her sister and friends.

No more than a few weeks after my answer she has involved herself with a single man at work 15 years her junior. This is a great opportunity for her except for the fact that the other man is a horrible misogynist. I think I am using the word correctly, but I think there is a more fitting word for his type of behavior. I have had correspondence with this man where he sends messages to me and others I know, of photos and videos of women doing sexual acts with with men and even DOGS. I AM SO EMBARRASSED by these things that I can't even face him, all along knowing I should be a respectful person and say "no" to receiving these messages. He has even commented about the woman I am interested in about what a nice big butt she has and its good for the pumping. And he thinks it is so funny and he laughs and laughs at these things, I just walk away. When I ask others about his behavior, they all say "oh that's just the way he is, don't worry about him". It was until after I saw him and the woman coming back to work together after lunch that I confronted him and plain out asked him in front of her what his intentions are with her. That's when she spoke up and asked me what it was I wanted to know. I told her that this was between me and him, she walked away. He told me that they were just friends, nothing going on. I didn't believe him, I know better, I have a few experiences and years on him, I know better.

Foolish me, I have the entire message correspondences from him on my phone. So I write to the woman and tell her I am shocked and explain everything I know this man does and has done. Her response is "I am a mature woman, I do not judge". Since then, the man has told me that she had told him everything I had said and that it's not right what I said to her. He also told me that a real man would not rat out another man. OH FFS are you serious? Now, guys at work move away from me at lunch table, women at work give me odd looks, the woman has daggers in her eyes for me. I've even had a supervisor come to me three times in one day, is everything going to be alright? What a mess.

Before this storm gets any worse, I still can't get her out of my mind, I am losing sleep, I am missing work. I know there is something I should do for myself to get out of this funk. I do have a simple plan to bare through it but, I'm really hoping for some advice to open my options.

[John]

You are obviously overwhelmed by love for this woman. You were wrong to have confronted the man in front of the woman. Hence your colleagues move away from you at lunch table.

However, you have two options here:

1. Apologize to her and the misogynist man, and never interfere in their relationship.

2. Go back to her and tell her you have accepted to do what she wants you to do. She will be glad to breakup with the other man for you.

[stvcobbs]

Yes I am overwhelmed by this woman. I just can't explain the emotions of how I see her and that is pretty scary to me.

Option 1. I have done, it seemed like the thing to do. The other man is who he is and it is not for me to judge him, tho I should be more assertive about accepting correspondence of that nature. I am a grown man with respect towards others, sexist jokes and trading of pornographic material are not a thing I enjoy notwithstanding any moralistic connotations.
Option 2. I have done as well. Possibly another mistake, since the freeze zone has not lifted.

Thank you for responding, you are definitely on point with your advice,
.

[Judith]

This woman is selfish and manipulative. She doesn't love you and so can do anything to destroy you. She knows you are married but wants you to divorce your wife just so she can get citizenship, that's ridiculous and devilish.

As much as you can, start getting her off your mind and make it a point to kill every attraction you have for her. What you are feeling now isn't real, but she has seduced you to put her thought into you.

Good luck.

[stvcobbs]

Judith, as much as I would like to take refuge in the thought that she is just an witch. I don't believe that is a right I have to judge her. After all is said and done I accepted her as a friend and I do understand her need for marriage, as ridiculous and devilish it may seem, it is a matter for her. we had discussed alternatives, but with the new administration in the United States, Immigration Lawyers have only clues about what is going to happen in the following few days. I don't think she wants to destroy me and I don't think she wanted me to divorce my wife solely for her gain. There is a large issue with my marriage and I have shared that with her. I do believe I hurt her when I did not accept her proposal and I think she might be retreating from me as she is protecting herself from me. So there is that.

Your advice to as much as I can to get her off my mind is well received and making points to kill every attraction to her is viable and necessary for getting back to a sleep schedule. Yes she has seduced me and put thoughts of herself in to my mind, real or not.

So I have actually interviewed for a job at another company, in hopes that I can fade out the daily real time images of her. However if I were to receive a job offer with this other company it wouldn't be for another week and at that a two week minimum notice to leave my current place of employment is going be hell for almost a whole more month. On the bright side the job I interviewed for has a HUGE advantage in their work atmosphere and environment, I am very excited about this new opportunity. So something good is about to happen.

Thank you for responding, your words are all thoughtful and helpful to my situation.