Looking for advice from experienced women in long term relationships

[Rainbow11]

Hi all,
I really hope I can get some personal accounts from people, as well as advice, on the matter of long-term relationships.
I know it is "normal" to go through phases with your partner. I know we have to make the effort to things to "keep the passion". I'm not really looking anything more than your thoughts and experiences. I will describe it as succinctly as I can:

I am a 30 year old female, who has been in and out of relationships since I was 14. I've never been cheated on (that I know of), I've never been dumped, I've never been in an abusive relationship, and all of my boyfriends have loved me and been good to me in most ways. Yet, I've always started out "crazy in love" and ended them with literally waking up one morning and realising I do not feel the same any more.

Some lasted 2 months, others 2+ years. My first love was the most intense (as it usually is) and it took me a long time to stop believing that he was meant for me. Even 6 yrs after our breakup, he would still try and reconcile, and I would turn it down, then regret it, then turn it down again. As if I loved the chase but was scares of it turning serious? I think the passion and love we shared ruined me for future bfs.

Currently, I am with my partner of 5 yrs. We met through friends, clicked instantly, and somehow ended up in a relationship. But we never had "passion". We never went through a honeymoon phase. We never were that affectionate, no cuddling after sex or even passionate kissing during sex unless we were drunk. And here I am, once again, questioning the relationship.

I dont care for marriage. But it is like there is a deep yearning inside me for passionate love. And let me make clear, i dont mean blissful happy love. I mean, a Rollercoaster Ride of emotions where we argue and fight just as passionately as we make up and embrace. I want the turbulence I guess.

From your experiences, could it be that I have made a habit of settling for people I love, and convincing myself that kind of passion only happens in movies (or during honeymoon periods), or are there real life stories you can share where you have been with someone long term and have felt that "soul crushing love" for most of your relationship through the good and the bad? (Again, definitely do not sit here and think everything has to be perfect all the time - quite the opposite really).

I do love my bf. He is good to me. But lately, I cant even bring myself to touch him because I have convinced myself something is not right. We have no other reason not to be together. Except that I am not feeling this deeper connection that I yearn for. He is awkward with physical touches and has been from the start. I know he loves me more than he can show and he is already talking about marriage and kids, which makes me feel even more guilty for feeling this way. He cant handle confrontation and wont talk about these things so I cant open up to him.

Am I being unrealistic? Is this how it is meant to be when in a mature relationship? Or have I possibly settled for someone who provides me with comfort and love?

Sorry that I did go on about it for long. It is hard to put forth my thoughts without rambling. But any personal stories or advice will be greatly appreciated because my heart feels broken and I don't know if I am self-sabotaging and doing it to myself.

Thanks in advance

[bunnyhabit]

sounds like you advance from dating to a relationship too quickly. you should date many guys for a long time at least six months before committing to a monogamous relationship with one of them. you have to assess each guy in light of your desires stated both emotionally and physically. if a guy can't fully satisfy you sexually the relationship will fail over time.

it is hard work to keep the passion in a relationship for a long time. both partners have to make this a top priority to be successful. date men with different ethnicity, lifestyles, appearance and professions to see what clicks best with you.

some people are never meant to be in a permanent relationship. this is not a bad thing as it appears you believe. to some people variety is the spice of life and will constantly switch partners until very mature like over fifty.

dont try to fit a lifestyle that you are not comfortable with just to be like your perception of the need to settle down. most important thing is for you to enjoy your life by being comfortable with yourself rather than forcing yourself to settle down too quickly.

[Rainbow11]

Thank you for taking the time to respond.
Culturally, we were always brought up to not date around, and wait till we find someone solid to marry. I never fit in with my racial community for this reason. I have tried to refrain from ending up in relationships too soon, but I don't know how or why it always does. Even one night stands never ended there and out of guilt I would "see" them for a while and finally end it.
My current bf and I actually waited 8 months before making it official but even that, I felt obligated (although I did like him a lot as well).

I think you are right, I have some kind of unconscious pressure I place on myself.

There's a part of me that really wants the long-term stability, and another side of me that can never follow through with it because every few months I want to leave and be single.

I just feel so confused and I know I am not the only one who goes through this, which is why I was hoping to hear similar experiences etc.

I also have considered whether or not I might be one of those people who just never are meant to be in permanent relationships. I guess this is most unfair on all the men I feel I have hurt along the way.

[Sofia]

Sometimes when you don't feel emotional tonal connection with your spouse, its best to give the relationship a break.

From all you have said, I don't think you are ready for an intimate relationship just yet. You obviously still want to be free and have fun.

[Rainbow11]

Thank you for your response. I think you are right about the needing a break. And I feel like I need to "toughen up" and rip the bandaid off. :/

[bdog]

As a middle aged man, I apologize in advance for responding to your question which was targeted at women. However, so much of what you wrote resonates with me that I felt compelled to respond. I was married for 16 hears. That ended 9 years ago and I have been in many relationships since then. Mostly 1 or 2 night stands but one 6 month-er and another 18 month-er. I am not always the one that ends it, but I feel terrible when I do. I also value passion in the bedroom, but I shallowly value physical appearance and youth above that.

I believe that the concept of lifetime monogamy is a construct that developed in modern societies (not all of them, of course) out of artificial and misplaced religious and cultural norms. I do not think it is natural for most organisms, including humans, to mate for life. I think the (well meaning) social pressures that promote this myth ultimately lead to unhappiness for many members of the human species. On the other hand, I must admit, that lifetime monogamy does seem to work for a significant portion of the population, in the neighborhood of 50%. If that's true, however, it is not working so great for half of us!

I hope this makes sense and seems relevant. I don't think I connected the dots all that well.

[Rainbow11]

Hey not at all an issue, thank you for your response. I did target women because when I ask my guy mates they seem to think theres no issue because they can relate so to them it is normal, whereas when I asked my sister in law she was worried about me.

I completely agree about the monogomy being a poor social construct. And from an anthropological viewpoint it makes sense when lifespans were 40, 50 years. Whereas now people who commit are committing to possibly 50 years with the same person. And it definitely does work well for a lot of people. But you are right, we must be that other half of the population who it doesn't work well for.

Thanks again for sharing your honest response and I hope that you find ways to make it ork.for you in a way that you are content.

[bdog]

It is both refreshing and validating to be able to engage someone in conversation about this. I think we are in an interesting time right now. I think the fairy tale marriage is still widely upheld as the gold standard, if not the norm, by most people.

I studied in a psychology class recently that people live in increasingly smaller sized groups. I think it was 100 years ago that the average people group consisted of 3 generations and 20 people, whereas the average size now is 3 or something, with a significant portion of people living alone, as do I. My 5 week GF broke up with me yesterday, so I'll go back to being alone for now, which I don't like. I live alone in a 3 bedroom house. I would love to rent a room to someone, just for the company. But I think at my age, it would make me look unsuccessful, and therefor unattractive to females. I think if I lived in a culture where people living in groups is expected, that this would be less of an issue.

Do you know others with whom you can discuss your beliefs about monogamy and related topics?