Utterly heartbroken, obsessively in love

[Vin]

I used to be a confident guy, but that changed. Half a year ago I met an American girl during my travels. We hooked up a couple of times in the span of a few days. I haven’t fallen in love for years (I’m 30). I met quite a few women in my life, but she struck me with thunder. At first I was very happy (finally! I can feel something again for someone!) and we kept in touch online. We had a good click and I could see she started falling for me when we we’re video chatting. I wanted to see her again so badly that I suggested coming over from Europe to visit her. She would look into it and eventually decided I couldn’t come over for reasons that didn’t make any sense (excuses). She did say she could visit me around October: she is going to live for a year in Turkey so that would be closer. This is the shimmer of hope I keep clinging on.

My mind has been occupied by her ever since. I wake up with her in my head, and go to bed with her. She seems a bit distant online, but when we skype there is a lot of chemistry and she always brings up the visit to my country. In the meantime I’ve seen she is seriously dating a guy in the USA. It just breaks my heart to see her in the arms of this guy with a romantic sunset in the background. It tears me apart. I just can’t let her go, because I still have hope I will see her again and that this other guy is going to stay in the USA anyway. I wish I could just turn off my feelings for her, and flip the switch again when its October (if it will ever come to it). I’m afraid that she’s just using me for attention and that she is not really intending to come over. If I had 100% reassurance that she would come over, I would have peace of mind for sure. But I don’t have that. I try not to contact her as much, but I have my weak moments. This means I’m always chasing her, while I know that doesn’t help me at all.

I’ve never felt so bad in my life, I think I’m actually depressed. My self-confidence has been completely destroyed and I have been crying every day for months on end. I tried dating other women, but they can smell my broken confidence. It’s as if all women have agreed to ignore me from now on. I used to be that guy who could attract women. I’m good looking, healthy and have a good job, but somehow that’s not enough anymore. Deep down I know my behaviour is very irrational and self-destructive, and I know that things will probably never work out with her anyway, but it really feels as if my mind has been hijacked.
She is constantly on my mind and I have lots of regrets and doubts: if I had done it this way, maybe things would be better! I imagine my future with her and think about the memories I shared with her abroad. I can go from happy to crying within minutes. She really is a drug to me. I try not to think about her and do other things, but she is just almost always there, no matter what I do. My mind automatically relates everything to her. I can’t control my impulses to check her facebook and Instagram every day and I over-analyse every little detail. The mornings are the worst, it takes a few hours before I’m in control of my emotions. The evenings tend to be okay. There are rare moments that I don’t really feel something for her, I enjoy those. It feels like being freed from some sort of demonic curse, a fresh breath of air. A feeling that I’m sane again. But these moments only last for maybe half an hour a day. I don’t see how I can keep going like this, it takes all my energy and I suffer. I decided to seek professional help. Being heartbroken really is the worst feeling for me. It does feel good to write this down.

I’m going to skype with her in a few days. I know, I shouldn’t. I always pretend nothing is wrong. Seeing her makes me always very happy so I don’t feel depressed when I talk to her. My mind has been racing now: what do I say during that conversation? Do I ask her directly if she has boyfriend now? If so, it would be easier to let it go in the long run, although I know I will have a very tough week ahead if I hear that. This just doesn’t sound healthy at all, I know. I think I have major problems with falling in love, I just com-ple-tely lose myself. I develop very strong, uncontrollable feelings. It really feels like a disease for me and I’m afraid it will just happen again with the next girl… Thank you for reading this long story!

[Tiki583]

Wow, your story is very moving. I feel for you, I too was in the same situation many many years ago. For me except for an occasional get together, and we never had sex, it never came to anything on his end. Then he passed away of Hepatitis C. I don't have it, but as a woman, I thank God everyday that we didn't get together, if we had, I may have ended up with it also.

I missed a lot because of my obsession with h Ikeakm, and I mean obsession. I turned down dates thinking he would call. I never allowed my heart to be open to others, and this went on for years.

in my opinion and it is just an opinion, try to allow yourself to see the beauty in others, you can still hang on to the idea of Oct, I hope it works out. You may find that even if she comes over, the chemistry is gone. Our minds are funny and can build things up.

Please talk to someone, I feel for you using the word Depression.

I know the heartbreak of unreturned love, Hell, movies and books are based on it. Dont torture yourself looking at the photos. I know you dont want to hear this, but I am telling you, live your life. I met someone wonderful, I wish the same for you.

[Vin]

Thank you very much!

[Nora]

Do I ask her directly if she has boyfriend now?

Emphatically yes! This is a question you must ask her if you want your life back again.

After reading all you have written, I can see that your life have become a complete mess because of this girl. You need to stop feeling down trodden and move on with your life. Regardless of how bad you feel, you never might be able to have a relationship with her, so what's the essence of losing your head over what will never become a reality.

[Michael]

You are the one who have put yourself in this mess for long. You already know she isn't into you, but you still keep giving yourself false hope. Why are you doing this to yourself?

Choose to move on with your life and forget about her. It all begin with a decision and that's it. To achieve this you must first cut off all contact with her, this include blocking / deleting from skype, facebook, instagram and any other social media you contact her. Also, you must delete her phone number from your contact list.

Make the decision to move on today and you will.

[success amysexy]

Its really obvious she chooses the one she already had over you, I think it's about time you move on with your life, you gat to let her go and stop putting your self in such a big mess because already you have seen the hand written on the wall.

[Banshee]

She may not want to see you now even if she doesn't have a boyfriend, but it's fine to ask her if she is in a committed relationship just to clear things up. I don't know why people can't imagine a woman dating more than one guy at a time and not being in love with any of them. Or dating someone else and still wanting to date you. It's a social activity, that doesn't necessarily mean pairing off for a lifetime of devotion.

edit: why is there an ad on my post above? I didn't put it there.

[Alex]

Your situation seems a lot like mine, my friend. I also had extremely good relationship online though, but with my real ex-girlfriend from US. I don't wanna be long, please read in Forums-Long distance relationships, its under "LDR, very LDR (overseas) problem. VERY, very similar situation, except you went into even more details than me and sincerely it seems you suffer even more. That doesn't mean I'm good, trust me....
My advice is: DITCH her politely. Don't just "ditch" her, just stop communication with her. If she is with another man, pffff, you shouldn't even communicate with her, for a while at least. I know it's difficult, but do that! It's hard, but trust me, she might look at things differently, after you become unavailable. You really don't deserve what she is doing to you!
Read my post, keep in touch.
Take care.

[Vin]

So I skyped with her. I didn't ask if she was in a relationship. My guess is that she isn't. We talked for an hour and a half. I was again very happy and it went very well. But I have to be careful not to lose myself again. In the end of august we're going to make plans to see each other. She definitely wants to come over I have the feeling. She even hinted at another meetup later in fall. I started dating again, although it hasn't gone yet as planned. I have a couple of dates coming up, but they're more for distraction it seems. But who knows, maybe I'll meet someone better in the meantime!

[Banshee]

You might just!

[Vin]

Update two and a half months later...
Against all advice, I kept in touch with her. I just had to know if I could see her again. Two weeks ago she almost booked a ticket to come over. But she bailed on me the very last second before booking. The reason: she has a boyfriend. I knew that already, she told me somewhere end of july. At first she was hesitant telling me this: she was planning to go for a little holiday some time ago and told me first that she was probably going alone. Two weeks later, when I asked her about it, she finally told me she was going with 'this guy I'm seeing'. Ouch... She must know I still had very strong feelings for her, but still she kept referring to our reunion: 'we'll make it work!' she said. She did say she just wanted to be friends with me. That's fine, I'm confident I could turn it around if I just had the opportunity to see her. But in the end... She bailed on me. I just wanted to see her, to break the spell: I have this perfect image of her, no other woman can compete with that. She is like a celestial super angel to me, one I can't possibly meet or let go. I wanted to meet her and see her as a normal girl. She is now with this guy who lives at the other side of the ocean (she's in the middle east for a year, he is in the USA), so I'm hoping that things won't work out between the two of them, that I will still have a chance to see her. I've dated many girls in the meantime, but... She is just always there in the back of my mind! What do you think: did she play me? I don't want to burn the bridge with her just in case. I'm trying really hard not to look at her social media, which I didn't now for almost 2 weeks. But somehow the urge to check her out online becomes stronger and stronger. It's as if I'm addicted to her and I'm having withdrawal symptoms. I'm afraid I will never find someone like her again.