Trust Issues

[CrazyLadySOS]

Just found out a few minutes ago that my boyfriend has cheated on me for the third time in the four years we have been together. the first time it was actual sex with an actual human being the second time he was cheating on me with some girl online that he met and he went to go meet her and somebody sent me the photos and then the third time this time he was seeing some girl that he met at a bar or something and he had gone to see her multiple times he says that it was during the one week that we broke up because we are having other issues. But I don't believe him I know it was in March but I don't know if it was for all of them or just a week. I'm tired. He always manages to come up with some kind of way to paint himself in a better light to apologize and seem like he should be forgiven and make some kind of decree that he will be a better man. This is hard for me because my parents cheated on each other a lot when I was a kid especially my dad and my mom so I naturally have trust issues and don't want to end up like them. This is the third time so obviously I have forgiven him in the past I don't want to look like an idiot I feel like an idiot I don't trust him and I don't know what to do. I believe him when he says that he loves me and then he hasn't cheated on me in the last couple months or in the 2 years between the last time he cheated on me. I don't want to sound like we're 2 dumb teenagers get in fights and break up every week we're really not we plan to get married we live together on our own we pay our bills on our own.
that we are young and I don't know what to do cuz I haven't had a lot of boyfriends or a lot of experience or know anybody with experience.

[lola91]

Hi, I have cheated once, I have been in a relationship for 12 years. I cheated as I felt that I was not appreciated and that our relationship was going nowhere. As soon as this happened, I felt sick, and I coughed up and told my fiance himself. This is after multiple arguments in the past that small things is what I need to know he is still there and still in this relationship and I really needed to know we will move forward. I think we had our last fight around 4 months before I cheated. I actually waited for him to catch up and digest what I asked. With some drink involved I kissed a guy and i felt sickened by myself. This guy kept commenting on what a gem I am, how he would never make me feel less and how he would go to the ends of the world for me. All nice things to hear when you are in a relationship with someone who does not tend to show love in a vocal manner. women just need to hear it sometimes. After this, and a few months of torture to gain trust again our relationship was back on track and was hard work. But I will never do this again to my partner, I know that our love languages is very different and we have to keep that in mind. I need more vocal and physical show of love and he needs more along the lines of actions (like wanting to treat hm to a good home cookced meal and such). However, this being said - if you were not together when he met up with someone - it is kind of free game. If you were in a relationship and just moving past a rough patch - ask him why he felt the need to go to someone else. But this has been more than once, and I would not continue such a relationship. If he is eeking something you cannot give him, without consulting you first - he has gone about it the wrong way. The trust that has been broken - will be hard to mend, and the fact that it has happened more than once is going to make it real hard. Are you willing to work on this with him? Is he willing to give you full disclosure - and when he does - would you be able to trust that it is the truth? I would say he has had his last chance and that you should move on. No one live with the wonder

[Judith]

What you should keep your eye on is this:

Just because he likes someone else doesn't make you any less appealing or wonderful. There will ALWAYS be someone else who appreciates you. He came into your life at a point when you needed him. He was there for you for 12 months of joy until you found out about him. You both decided to let it lie. Don't put him down now, otherwise, you also put yourself down in the process and that is not very attractive. Be generous and better than he was by thanking him for being there for you, while adding that you feel sad that he was not more honest. Tell him that you accept that, obviously, his standards are lower than you thought, which would make him incompatible with you, but that's life. He has only betrayed himself and his values, not yours. He merely disappointed your expectations. In this way, you also keep your dignity and respect.

Any relationship is an agreed acceptance that two strangers are TRYING to make it work between them, especially when they are likely to be very different personality and aspirations. By acknowledging the TRYING aspect, both parties also accept that the partnership might carry on forever, or it might break down tomorrow, but the element of a conclusion is ever present. It isn't removed just because one party wishes for something else to happen. So, best to just to enjoy every moment with few expectations and then be surprised, rather than expect permanence and be severely disappointed. Despite how rejected you might be feeling, you must try to be positive and resist the temptation to be vindictive because EVERYTHING we give out in life comes back to us in the future, as night follows day. If you carry on railing against him because of his actions, someone will come into your life later who will treat you even worse. It is called the Law of Attraction. You cannot attract positive people if you spend your time being negative. Your negative vibes will continue to keep good people away.

It takes two for a relationship and each person has to be who they are. People cannot be who you want them to be. Just because he has violated your expectations does not make him any less of a person in deserving of some dignity. When we take up animosity against another it simply drags us down too, reduces our credibility and makes us no better than that person. He also did not waste any time in your life. You had the choice to move away from him at any point. You didn't, because you liked him too and what you were getting, so his love would have changed you in some way for the better.

What many people fail to realise with relationships is that life is a journey and every person we meet is designed to propel us forward on that journey to the next station, to fulfil our potential and aspirations in various ways. Very few are there to accompany us all the way. We LEARN through those relationships and there is ALWAYS a good reason why they don't last. We simply have to move on quickly to get what's waiting for us. If we learn from our mistakes, the new relationship is usually better because we are more experienced to know how to deal with it. It is always difficult to recover from betrayal. But if we keep an eye on the positive things we have, we move on much quicker instead of allowing our lives to be eaten up and destroyed by anger.

There are always two sides to a story, and your friends are only hearing your side. It is very important that this side is seen to be fair. You seem a really intelligent woman, who lacks self-esteem and confidence just now. Please use that talent positively and you will rise above insecure guys like that. Give thanks for his attention, wallow in the negativity for just ONE day or one week, no more, wish him well and move on. You will be all the better for it. Better still, you will attract the kind of person you seek as you won't be tempted to bore them silly about your last bad experience.

True love is unconditional. It accepts that person as is, not as we wish them to be. Give thanks for someone coming into your life to love you. Many people will never have that opportunity. However, if he is clearly not the right type for you because of his behaviour, then you are better off without him. Try to focus on the future now and leave him firmly in your past. You have done your bit for his journey and now deserve much better.

[Clinton]

I recently heard from a wife whose husband's affair had lasted for two months. The wife had found about it from a mutual friend. It really bothered her that the husband hadn't come clean on his own. However, once the wife confronted her husband, he immediately expressed his sorrow and remorse. In fact, the husband had repeatedly said how sorry he was every day since this conversation.

His repeated apologies didn't cut it for the wife. They rang as false and fake. Their logic didn't make any sense to her. She said, in part: "If he were really sorry for cheating, he would have admitted it to me himself without my having to find out about it from someone else. And if he were really and truly sorry, he wouldn't have done it in the first place. How can you cheat on someone you love and are invested in? I don't think you can. Wouldn't it be nice if we lived in a world where we could do anything we wanted, say we're sorry, and then have the slate wiped clean? Well, that's not the way that it works. I don't believe he's really sorry for one second. I just think he's sorry because he's been caught and now he looks like a dishonest idiot."

Obviously, this wife was seething and the strong feelings were very fresh. After a bit of dialogue, it become quite clear to me that, deep down, she wanted to believe that he was genuinely remorseful and wouldn't cheat again. She wanted to believe that she was important enough to him that he was telling the truth. But, understandably, she had trust issues now and she doubted if she could believe his claims.

In the following article, I'll go over some ways to tell if a man is really sorry for his cheating or he's just sorry that he got caught since every thing is now out in the open.

A Man Who Is Truly Sorry For Cheating Will Show That His Priority Is With You: Hopefully, it goes without saying that a truly remorseful man will drop the other person like a hot potato. If he wants to repair your relationship and restore the trust, then he will be completely serious about cutting off all contact and ties with the other person. Not only that, but he'll remove the vulnerabilities that lead up to his cheating.

For example, if he cheated on an overnight business trip, he'll stop traveling alone. Or, if he has a certain friend who's a bad influence on him, he'll drop that friend immediately without giving it a second thought. In short, a man who's genuinely remorseful for his actions doesn't make excuses or try to shift your attention away from what he did. He takes responsibility for it, distances himself from those things that contributed to it, and then places his focus on fixing his relationship with you.

If He's Really Remorseful For Cheating On You, He's Completely Accountable And Welcomes Your Checking Up On Him: Most of the time, a man who is genuine after cheating will understand why you don't trust him. To that end, he'll likely want to go out of his way to prove to you that he has nothing to hide. He'll hand over his cell phone, his Facebook account, his email passwords and anything else you might want to see.

He does these things because he knows that you won't find anything and he wants to show you his willingness to work with you. Now, some men do feel resentful about this and some are reluctant to give up their privacy. But once they realize that this is necessary and important for your peace of mind, most will decide that your well being is more important than their privacy right now. (Although this obviously can't go on forever.) Do you see the trend here? On almost every issue, he's choosing your needs over his. Sure, he may really miss his friends or habits, but he wants to show that you are more important to him than any of these things.

When I tell women this, some of them tell me that although they wish their man were doing all this, he isn't. He's claiming to be sorry, but he isn't showing accountability or placing his focus on the relationship. Before you assume that this means he isn't truly sorry, at least give him the chance to make things right. Yes, it's frustrating to have to spell out for him what you want and need. But sometimes, men just don't pick up on the clues or aren't intuitive enough to come up with this on their own. Sometimes, they really want to do the right thing but they need for you to tell them what that thing really is.

True Sorrow Is Demonstrated By A Person's Actions, Not By Written Or Spoken Words: I sometimes have people ask me if I'll read a letter that their husband or boyfriend wrote to see if it's genuine. The truth is, you can't always tell from this. People can and will say or write anything to get your to believe they're sorry. Admittedly, the fact that they're putting forth all of this time and effort certainly says something. But, only time and watching their actions is going to tell you the truth.

Because when a person is truly sorry that they hurt you, they're pretty firm in their conviction not to do it again. They strive to become a better husband or boyfriend and then they follow through. They make it up to you in a variety of ways by the way that they treat you and your relationship. This is true remorse. It doesn't come through written or spoken words. It comes through action and character.