Minor issues or major problems

[SamVram]

Hey, I really need some outside advice at this point as I don't know what to make of it anymore.

I'm in a relationship for almost 2 years now, we strive for the long run.

The problem is I feel like the relationship has become unhealthy for both of us.

My girlfriend is quick to anger, impulsive and getting upset. I know, not the best combo but I do lover her and she loves me. But due to this she gets angry and upset over many things, many insignificant things. She's sort of a control freak and she extends that to me also. She has the habit to constantly tell me what and how to do things. It feels like the first 24 years of my life did not exist before our relationship for her. She tell me very basic and common sense stuff to do, like I'm a toddler and can't handle myself.

It's getting annoying to be told what to do even though you already know you have to do them. Telling me to close every door that needs to be closed, every time we leave the balcony she makes sure to remind me "Close the door and draw the curtains", "Close the door after you exit the room", "Wash your hands (after I've touched spoiled meat, like you wouldn't know to wash your hands after that)", "Make sure to wash your hands <insert random reason here>" while I am standing behind her in the bathroom waiting to wash my hands already. I mean consider all the things you already do almost in a automatic way, but someone tells you that you need to do it.

We just moved in together a few weeks ago, she constantly gets angry that I don't know where all the stuff in the house is. For once it's a new place, she put most of the stuff where they should be put, how am I supposed to remember where things are if I haven't had a chance to look for them until now ? Or she tells me that she put something somewhere, then time passes and I forget, I ask her nicely "Where did you say you put the <object>?", instead of a simple answer I get "I've told you already, can't you remember basic stuff, do I need to remind you again ? Why don't you pay attention ?".

Ok these might seem minor issues mostly and they are but they are part of the whole issue.

She tries to command everything and have it her way, the moment something isn't as she wants it to be she gets snarly, I can't tell her my point of view because it's instantly wrong, her way is the way.

Then it gets more weird. Let's say it's 12 midnight, I'm tired, we went shopping, then I made food, it is now 12 and I need to sleep. I get in bed with her, maybe we watch something on the phone then I doze off because I'm tired. Two minutes later I wake up and the first thing I hear "Why do I even bother anymore ?" or other such comments, she genuinely gets angry that I fall asleep before she wants us to sleep. Are such remarks really necessary ? Since when is it wrong to sleep when you are tired ? I always understand her when she is tired, I even tell her to sleep or take a nap to be fresh, I never mind if she falls asleep before me or in the middle of the day because it's normal to sleep when you are tired or if there is nothing else that needs to be done.

It's a constant pressure, there's always something that she doesn't like or upsets her, I feel like I'm in a mine field minding my business and any step can trigger a mine.

I can't talk to her about these problems or any such problems, she gets angry or upset and from then on everything I say is hostile for her. I can either shut up and not add to the fire or continue and risk a full blown fight over nothing.

The last time I told her that it bothered me that she couldn't simply answer when I asked where something is, instead of giving me a rant as to how "Forgetful I am and to get my act together", she started giving me a lecture on how I am not responsible for not remembering where something she put an hour ago somewhere in the apartment, and that it's exhausting for her to answer me every time I ask her, that she didn't do anything wrong and I'm the one that needs to get my act together.

What bothers me the most is the hypocrisy, she does most of the same "mistakes" I make, which I don't see as mistakes, I'm never snarly or try to be rude with her over insignificant stuff. When she makes them it's fine of course, she doesn't see any issue, when I do them it's an issue.

I'm by no means perfect, I've done my fair share of stupid stuff in the relationship in the past but things have been very calm lately on my part but she keeps it up. I don't know how to talk with her, when she gets angry and/or upset if I try to bring things up. I always try to make it right, to keep it calm and civil, she only does it when she is in a really good mood (which is not often).

I also have anxiety and it's very hard most of the time to get my own point across, most of the time I just give up and let her "win" whatever she thinks she's winning or gaining.

I could be more blunt with her, I just know how she will react and just let it go.

So what can I do ? How should I talk with her in such a way that we can figure things out between us ? Are these issues stemmed from lack of communication, am I the issue ? Is she the issue ? I really need some outside opinions here because half of the time I have no idea if what I think is right and half of the time I just get frustrated and it clouds my judgement.

I don't want to argue with her because my mind is clouded my fear or frustration. I want to know if my concerns are valid and I should really bring them up or if I should "man up" and get less affected by all of this ?

[Olivia]

When a man tells his friends, "my girlfriend is irritated with me all the time," he's going to get a lot of "I know what you feel" in response. It's common in many relationships for the girlfriend to reach a point where she becomes annoyed by some of the habits her boyfriend has. The important thing to understand is that even though it's common and your male friends may be able to commiserate with you over the fact that all wives seem to never be satisfied, it's much more serious and far-reaching than that.

Even though at the surface it may appear that the problem is that your girlfriend is irritated with you all the time, it's much more about an underling issue with the relationship. There is something going on between you and your girlfriend that is causing her to lash out at you. Perhaps it does wear away at her patience that you don't pick your dirty socks up off the floor, but if she's nags you about it daily, chances are good that she's using that as a weapon for an entirely different conflict.

I'm a woman and I can tell you without reservation that we are masters at holding a grudge. A woman can typically hold onto emotional pain for months, if not years. All of the complaining about the things that irritate you may be your girlfriend's way of dealing with the disappointment, frustration and confusion she's feeling over something else.

If there's been any conflict between you two that hasn't been fully resolved, that's very likely the source of your girlfriend's dissatisfaction. The reason she's irritated with you all the time is she's absorbing the pain from that particular conflict and then releasing it towards you, all guns blazing. She'll actually look for things to complain about in an effort to make you feel even a fraction of the emotional pain she is.

So what's the best way to handle this so it doesn't become so out of hand that you're staring at divorce papers? Talk to your girlfriend. Try and rise above the disparaging comments she's throwing your way and look to the inner good that lives within her. You know it's there. Try and see her behavior as simply a vehicle for her pain. Explain to your spouse that you want to get back to the loving place you two used to be and you want to help her if she's feeling any anger over something that you've done or said to her. By doing this you'll be opening the door for her to talk with you about what she's feeling. You'll be acknowledging that you recognize that there's a problem between the two of you that needs careful and compassionate attention.

By being the thoughtful and loving boyfriend even in the face of her endless irritation, you'll move your relationship to a healthier place for you both. Never forget that women and men do absorb things differently and do handle their emotions in very different ways. By seeing past her irritation with you to the root of the problem, you'll be giving your relationship a fighting chance.

[Bill]

It's very easy for a man to jump to the incorrect conclusion that his girlfriend's anger is stemming from her discontent with the relationship. That's not necessarily what is going on at all. Many women, like men, cycle through a period in their lives when they feel disgruntled. They feel that their dreams haven't been fulfilled or they sense that their goals will never be reached. Many people refer to this as a mid-life crisis but it can realistically occur at any time within a person's life.

Obviously, the most direct route to take when you want to uncover why your girlfriend is so angry is to ask her. This has the potential of backfiring in such a way that she'll become even more exasperated with you. That's why you need to be direct about it as well as compassionate. Just say, in a very non-threatening way, that you've noticed that she doesn't seem as satisfied with her life as she once was. Tell her that you care for her happiness and you're wondering if there's anything you can do to help her. She may pull back initially out of fear of talking about it because it will make her feel vulnerable. Just be understanding and don't apply any pressure to her to discuss it.

If she has no interest at all in talking about what is causing her anger, drop the subject. You have to get to the bottom of it using your own insight. Watch her more carefully in terms of when she seems most irritable and what triggers appear to set her off. Also, take note of whether or not she seems upset with others or if her outbursts are strictly directed towards you.

Take on More Responsibility to Help

One very common reason why women become angry within their relationship is they feel they have to shoulder the brunt of the responsibility of raising the children, as well as tending to the household and all that entails. Many women complain that they try and discuss this issue with their boyfriends only to find that nothing changes. In time, a woman may become resentful of the fact that she has to take on more of the responsibility for the family and that resentment will manifest itself as anger.

You can speak to your girlfriend about what she needs help with or you can take the matter into your own hands, and willingly start pitching in more. One area that all women appreciate a bit of extra help with is the preparation of meals. If you're not available to cook dinners, perhaps you can pitch in early in the morning with the making of the kids' lunches or do it the night before. Laundry may seem like a complicated undertaking but it's not. Doing a few loads of laundry for your girlfriend each week, including folding and ironing it, can definitely help her so she feels much less pressure.

You just need to go ahead and do things that you know will lessen the to-do list that your girlfriend faces on a daily basis. If part of her anger is stemming from her stress level, you'll probably notice a change in her attitude almost immediately after you start helping her out more.

Offer to Be Her Personal Sounding Board

Every woman needs a safe place where she can confide her feelings. Ideally in a relationship you want to be this person for your girlfriend. Part of her struggle with anger may be coming from dissatisfaction with her career or perhaps a falling out with a family member or close friend. Offer to listen if she seems troubled by something. Be certain that you make it clear that you aren't there to tell her it's all going to be okay or to offer your opinion, unless asked. Instead, explain that you want her to feel that she can tell you anything. If she feels she needs a sympathetic ear, and you offer to be that for her, that can dramatically change the dynamic of your relationship.

If part of her frustration in life is your relationship, be open to working with her to improve it. It's incredibly hard not to take a defensive stance when the person you love is being critical of your role as a life partner. However, the first step to improving any relationship is getting all your cards on the table so you know what you're dealing with. The way you handle any conversation about your connection can either make or break the future of your relationship.

Be open, be compassionate and be as patient as possible as you help your girlfriend work through her anger issues. If you can be there for her as an unwavering tower of emotional strength, you're both going to come through this stronger and more committed to making your relationship better, happier and healthier.

[Darli92]

Hello SamVram! I am sorry to hear you are feeling bad about this. I know that you may be expecting support comments on how to make this things get better, as the previous two comments. And that is okay, we all want our relationship with our loved ones to be great.

However, I´m coming in to try to put some balance in this and for you to contrast both sides. It is difficult for us to receive what we don´t want to hear. But let me tell you my story, sith the first boyfriend I had..


At the beginning I felt I loved him very much, we were also aiming for the long run. However, when time went by, I stopped feeling that way. Let me tell you, he was the most loving guy I've ever met. He always tried to support me in many ways, to be there, to run right where I was if I felt bad. He gave me gifts all the time, tried to talk..and so on.. Imagine the perfect fairytale prince...

Then how come I was not feeling complete? How come I was feeling I wanted him far away? Not sure about that yet.... All I know is that he was not the one I wanted. I wanted a guy who like reading like me (and he tried, trust me, because I pushed him,as your girlfriend is doing with you) but...it was just not enough that he tried,,it was not enough for me, it was not natural.

One thing to the other, I started getting angry all the time,for every single and little thing. He tried harder and harder to keep me happy , but...I just wasn't happy with him anymore... Even feeling that way I thought I was never going to be loved this way by anyone ever..so I stayed..unhappy...FOR THREE DAMM YEARS.

Then I started cheating on him, finding what I was missing in other people...until I met someone who I felt real admiration for, and ended up with my boyfriend finally. After making him suffer a lot,,trying to make him what he was not so that I could feel happy...and still he was not able to make me feel good.

Let me tell you, that yes, maybe he has been the best loving boyfriend I've had. However I DONT REGRET LEAVING HIM AT ALL. He never made me happy and now I know he never would have made me happy EVER, because he was just not what I wanted in my life. It has been 8 years now, and all I can think of is, damm, how did I wasted three years with this guy?


So, from this side, from a girl who tried to change a boyfriend , who was angry all the time by every single thing, I'm coming to tell you:

From your post I can tell YOU ARE loving and VALUABLE..just like my ex boyfriend, just maybe not what I wanted. I realized that I NEVER truely loved him.

Haven't you thought about that maybe ...you are not what she wants? Maybe you might be loving, understanding, supportive,,you might be even perfect...but maybe, for some reason, you are not what she wants. She sees you like crap, she bothers only with you being near or calling her or even a text. She becomes colder and colder everytime, but she doesnt say anything cause she doesnt know how to break up with you.

What you're telling is not a friendship either. Would you do that to a friend? Would you go around telling your friends how to behave or whatever so that YOU feel more comfortable with them?

Everything I read in your post makes me remember all my attitude with my ex-boyfriend, and all I can think of is that, hey this girl does not love this dude, even if she says she does, even if she thinks she does, she doesn't BECAUSE YOU DONT TRY TO CHANGE THE PEOPLE THAT YOU LOVE. YOU DONT GET ANGRY AND YELL, YOU TALK TO SOLVE.


So pal, from my experience, and the other side point of you HAVE SOME LOVE FOR YOURSELF AND SELF RESPECT.

YOU ARE VALUABLE, LOVING, AND A GREAT BOYFRIEND, YOU DESERVE BETTER. Trust me Sam, I've been on her side...and you deserve better.

It will be hard? yes it will, but it will happen sooner or later, so why make the pain time longer? It will hurt? yes, like hell, but you will get better and find out with time that with all that situation you were not happy either. You will get better, love again, and find a nice girl who deserves you love and time.

Get up, Look at yourself in the mirror, and LOVE YOURSELF, before anyone else does.

I know this may hurt, but I hope it helps.

Love,
Darli