Sex & Intimacy - Not happening!

[twentyfive93]

Hi all, been lurking this forum for a bit and really like the discussions in here!

I'll try and keep this as straight forward and simple as possible.

I've been together with my girlfriend for about two years now. Probably about a year and a half seriously.

I've always been one to have a sex drive on the higher end, as my last relationship gave me a copious amount of sex and it's safe to say I enjoyed that and now that is in-built with me. Any other relationship I had would always need to include this as I think intimacy and this connection together is very important and a priority of mine among other things.

So.. things started well in that department and now fast forward the year and a half / 2 years later and it's diminished severely.

We would enjoy this together a few times per week, sometimes more. It's gone from that to once a week, once a fortnight and to now averaging probably once a month.
This has caused enormous strain on the relationship (for me) because we are both 25, in our prime and I am someone who is fit, healthy and has a good drive. For her, not as much - she doesn't seem to mind or initiate at all or even speak anything about sex or intimacy at all.

Now, here is where it is a bit complex. She has gone through some issues with her family and job where I have noticed the sharp decline in sex. Her feeling a bit depressed has resulted in weight gain, a lack of exercise and as such now she is using this as the means for why the sex drive has dropped. The decline in sex began around June 2017, and this whole time I have been very supportive of her and understanding as to what she's been through.

Now in August 2018, things are really not much better at all. I've spoken with her about this a few times and she has promised to make more of an effort in that department and that she wants to lose weight and get her vigor back for sex. She has been saying this for months and it's been the same result.

I have noticed the only time she will ever entertain the thought of sex with me is after she has had a few drinks. Otherwise it's off the table. I can try and get hands on in any way with her and I get the standard "Too tired" "Too full" "I am up for work early I don't want to".

Unfortunately this has resulted in a lot of arguments as I am made out to be unreasonable for wanting more sex. We are currently renting together and I thought this would help her head-space with this but I am getting the same responses. I am not the person I want to be with her, I do separate myself from her a bit now because of the rejection of sex and just general intimacy (Cannot remember the last time she tried anything with me even non-sex).

End result - I am left in a relationship with someone I love and she loves me however I am denied something very important to me and without it just leaves me frustrated and bitter.

I've suggested for her to get a hormone blood test to see how that can go in terms of sex drive, the response to that is "Yeah I will do it" but it's been months with nothing.

Input would be appreciated!

[Vivian]

The amount of sex that a couple desires and is comfortable with varies. Some couples have sex weekly, others make love daily and many others' sexual frequency falls somewhere in between that. Yet other couples have sex once a month or once every couple of months.

There is no magic formula that links a specific number of times a couple has sex with the health of their love relationship.

In general, a sexless relationship is considered to be when a couple who has no sex or has not had sex for several months. Experts stress that you and your mate need to decide what you want when it comes to lovemaking frequency and that it is possible for a couple to choose not to have sex and still maintain a healthy relationship.

However, if you are and your partner are not having sex at all or not having sex with any frequency and this is not okay with you, the term "sexless relationship" may feel painfully appropriate to what you're living.

What can be done if you're in a sexless relationship?

First off, I'm going to list several things that you can do, but it probably isn't going to improve your situation...
-- Complain
-- Nag
-- Blame
-- Guilt-trip
-- Pressure
-- Give an Ultimatum

None of these responses toward your spouse will probably bring positive changes to your sexless relationship. In fact, they will most likely drive your girlfriend further away.

Instead, try this advice...

Identify what's standing in the way of sexual intimacy.
If you want to stay in your relationship and start having sex again with your girlfriend, it's important for you to get out of a blaming mode of thinking, speaking and acting. Get curious about what habits, beliefs and experiences of both you and your woman that may be standing in the way of you two making love regularly.

It could be your busy schedules that just about never overlap. It might be unresolved tensions and conflict between you two that are a constant turn-off. It may be sexual abuse or trauma that either of you experienced in the past that remains unacknowledged or unhealed. There may be health challenges that make sex difficult or unappealing to either of you.

If it seems to you that your woman is the one who is always saying "no" and stopping the two of you from having sex, this might be true-- in part. It's quite likely that there is some dynamic that you also play a part in that is negatively impacting your intimacy in the bedroom too.

As you get a clearer idea of what is standing in the way of you and your girlfriend regularly making love, brainstorm possible ways to start to dissolve those blocks.

Re-prioritize your lives to make time and energy for lovemaking if you two are always too busy. Seek help from a health care professional if health challenges are going on. Learn strategies and work with a trained professional if either of you is struggling to heal from past abuse.

And, by all means, have the courage to acknowledge the built-up resentments and anger from ongoing or past disagreements and be the first one to take a step toward resolving them.

Work with your woman to re-discover sex together.
Above all, if you're going to stay in this relationship, you're going to want to work with instead of against your woman to bring improvements.

You two can re-connect as you re-discover sexual intimacy with one another.

Start out slow and make sure that you keep communicating about what feels good, what is comfortable, what is turning you both on (and what is not). Stay open and creative.

There may be different ways that your spouse will be intimate or sexual with you now than she was in the past. Make sure that you are sensitive to her needs and wants as well as honest about your own.

Invite yourself to have fun with this. Focus in on the intimate connections you ARE making with one another, that may or may not be sexual. This can take you closer to having more sex again and closer to one another in the process.

[Roy]

A lack of intimacy in relationship is a frustrating and relationship breaking thing. Many sexless couples end up in miserable relationship or more often than not go down the messy path of breakup.

Sexless relationship causes

1. Resentment - Over time you can build a wall of resentment out of all the small niggles and problems in your lives. This is a barrier to intimacy and destroys desire for the other person. If you do not work to solve small problems but let them fester this can lead to many sexless nights in your marital bed.

2. Complacency - While we like being comfortable in a relationship there is a point where it becomes TOO comfortable. We become so used to our spouse that instead of seeing them as sexual partners they feel more like housemates or brothers or sisters.

3. Body Image Issues - Many men and women have serious body image issues and feel that if they are not as fit as they used to be when you first got together they are now old and unattractive. Women especially can feel they are so unsexy that they lose their sense of sexuality and their libido drops to near nothing.

Sexless relationship "cures"

1. Self Respect - Being confident in yourself and your abilities as a person, a spouse and a lover is essential to helping your sexless partner out of their rut. Looking after your own emotions and getting rid of the negative qualities in yourself will help you in many aspect of life but especially in being an attractive lover.

2. Communication - Without being able to talk about the problems you will never be able to solve your lack of intimacy in relationship. Being able to converse about your relationship at a deep and personal level without making the conversation about your "needs and wants" will help you uncover the problems that you can start to take action to fix.