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This is tearing my life apart.
I would like to share my recently begun relationship that has resulted in a terrible headache in which I don't really have any clue to resolve. But I don’t want to verbally express how much I love her; this isn’t what I’m here for. I won’t be fooling anyone here, and I need answers to my life.
Being a international student in Hong Kong, I was raised in a Chinese family, and speak Cantonese as a first language. I was exposed to English ever since kindergarten, and I am now in my last year of high school, studying my ass off for a decent IB mark.
For the record, I’ve always been a semi-sporty person, very competitive in everything. I prized myself in sprinting, taking medal after medal each year in intercourse and interschool competitions. I also play table tennis, tennis, fencing, badminton, and all the ball sports you can think of.
So, my mom, being a casual badminton player, signed my ass up for a badminton course. I started low, working up to the team now, playing at the highest level of the course, and have been doing so for 2 years. In recent light, a new girl joined our course at the start of the summer session. I didn’t really pay attention, and it continued to be like that for a couple 2-3 weeks. However, coach would constantly put us into a 1 v 1 practice situation, or I would have her as my partner for doubles. When I really started to pay attention to her, I wasn’t exactly “love struck”. It wasn’t “love at first sight”, because I didn’t know what I was looking for in a girl, and all my other crushes were existent because of stupid reasons like “oh she’s hot” or “she’s got a nice body”. Frankly, that was what I looked for in a girl.
Me, being a semi-fuckboy kind of dude liked to make some convo over badminton, like, as if introducing myself and getting to know each other. I didn’t pronounce her name correctly cause my coach would always do this weird accent with her name and I would think that was her name. Every lesson I would kind of converse with her over random stuff for short periods of time.
Summer break started. I went off for a week to Israel and Brussels with family for a week, and I didn’t really notify anyone. I came back, surprised, to see the girl leave me a message, asking why I didn’t come. That was how this all started. I quickly got her number, and we started talking. I would be the type of dude to drop a pickup every 2 lines or make some dirty joke over the phone with this voice she would call “magical” and “irresistible” the voice, not the content, she would say. We texted for about a week or two, until Ant man & the Wasp came out (great movie btw), and we went off to our first “date”, so to speak. It was my first time going out to movies with a girl, and I had to admit it was relatively awkward. It was rushed and not very pleasant, but I was happy to be able to go out with her, even if everything seemed fast. A couple days later, I figured out I wanted to continue the relationship. On one night, I couldn’t hold it in anymore, and I confessed to her over text. I know it wasn’t sincere in text, but she said she could feel my sincerity. She said that we needed more time to get to know each other, and she didn’t know if she liked me or not. We went on 2 more dates, one a movie date, and another a playdate at jumping gym, with lunch and some walks. Occasionally we would go to the same place, and I would bring her near the Hong Kong sea to feel the air, and it probably sounds weird, but it felt relaxing and I felt at peace. I would, on random days, come out of violin practice, and randomly call her, and she would be near, and we would meet up for a McDonalds or something. On each day I would call her, even though she insisted I didn’t need to, I would sometimes call her by video, and she would get really shy and hide her face with her plushie, while I would sometimes wink at her and she would start ahhing because she was shy. I really don’t know what happened but this doesn’t happen anymore because I’m not brave enough. On our third date, I told her we could watch Christopher robin, since I was a big fan of piglet from my childhood. She was excited and was happy to go with me. However, I cancelled and told her I didn’t have enough time to watch it with her, because I had a funeral and I couldn’t deny my mom’s authority. I could sense her disappointment, and she admitted she was disappointed too. After that night, she changed. No longer would she be in the mood for video calls, or have any shy response to anything, nor would she call me cute or say I love you again as we did, or react to my jokes and pickup lines. I was really sad and desperately browsed the web for answers. I came to the conclusion she didn’t like me anymore, and that I had lost her interest because of that night. Come till now, her texting attitude hasn’t changed much since that night, short and brief, without much emotion to her words and not many emoticons. It felt like I was talking to a nonexistent person who wasn’t interested. I knew I was being sensitive because she sounded cheerful in calls, if I did manage to call her.
Come the fourth date, and I went over to her area after her dance lesson to meet up for lunch, because she was hungry after lunch and it was around 3, so I rushed over to meet her for her lunch. We waited quite a long time for the restaurant that she insisted was really good and she really liked, so I stayed with her to eat, but forgetting to bring cash with me, she treated me to a bowl of ramen. I insisted she doesn’t need to, I didn’t have to eat anything, but she said because I treated her so many times, to movies, games, etc., it was a must. So, I had to surrender. We shared ice cream that day for dessert (her treat again), and it was really a happy moment, because I would steal her flavors even though she was the one who bought it for me. It was fun and more familial and closer than any of our other dates, and it felt like we were in an actual relationship. Come the badminton class on Sunday. She was late and told me over messenger. When she came, I felt that something wasn’t wrong, but I was selfless and careless, I didn’t notice anything wrong about her and didn’t really talk to her even though we just met the day before. I didn’t even glance as much at her when I left, and I fucking hate myself for being such a moody piece of shit. I wasn’t there when she needed me. I learned from my friend in class (a boy) who walks with her to the mtr after class because I take my mom’s car or taxi back home, that she was sick. I was so shocked to learn this, along with the fact that she was actually interested in me, by kind of lost interest over time because of reasons. I was heartbroken. On Monday I cried the whole day and thought about things, contemplating about our memories together and why I am such a bad person. She knew I was upset.
On WhatsApp before all of this happened, she told me she told me she thinks she treats me more like a little brother friend. I blue ticked and cried the entire day. She knew I was hurt, and apparently, she was heartbroken too, and had a heartache. The morning on Monday, she asked if she could call. I was already way passed my crying stage. When she called, I played “love me” and other reminiscent songs on the piano. She was crying. She said she really doesn’t know whether she loves me or not and is scared of love and not confident. I didn’t say anything, just kept playing. She asked me what if feels like, as she cried. I was really sad and heartbroken, so my voice was really small and wavering, and I really didn’t know what to say to her. She asked me to give her more time to think. The night, I got a reply. She doesn’t not like me, but she doesn’t know if she likes me. She thinks I should show that I care (as I am never brave enough to do anything attentive, nor am I a really good listener.) I said I’ll try to be more caring and attentive. But if she still doesn’t like me then, I said I’ll have to quit her even if I’m deeply in love with her.
I will never forget her sweet personality, the way she smiles at me, her sweet voice, and her interests, her embarrassing moments, and how cute she is over the phone and on video, always shy and bringing me the happiness I have never, ever felt. Before with my previous crushes, I really didn’t look for all this stuff.
I realized that I like her person, and I couldn’t live without someone like her, and not because she looks fair and beautiful, but because I love her person and who she is, and everything she is and represents. I realized I would take her over any supermodel without that personality. So when the time comes I probably can’t quit her, because I seriously cannot live without her in my life, and I sincerely, sincerely want to spend my life with her, no matter what happens. I can swear that to myself.
I have no idea why I am writing this. I didn’t even know what I was doing 2 nights ago. This is my last chance to up her interests again, but I have no confidence being that attentive and caring guardian, as my nature was always a self-centered prick who doesn’t really care about others unless it’s my family. She was sick, and I should have noticed. She was disappointed, and I should have comforted her. But I really need her, and I’m not giving up.
Please help me. I really don't know anymore.
I would like to share my recently begun relationship that has resulted in a terrible headache in which I don't really have any clue to resolve. But I don’t want to verbally express how much I love her; this isn’t what I’m here for. I won’t be fooling anyone here, and I need answers to my life.
Being a international student in Hong Kong, I was raised in a Chinese family, and speak Cantonese as a first language. I was exposed to English ever since kindergarten, and I am now in my last year of high school, studying my ass off for a decent IB mark.
For the record, I’ve always been a semi-sporty person, very competitive in everything. I prized myself in sprinting, taking medal after medal each year in intercourse and interschool competitions. I also play table tennis, tennis, fencing, badminton, and all the ball sports you can think of.
So, my mom, being a casual badminton player, signed my ass up for a badminton course. I started low, working up to the team now, playing at the highest level of the course, and have been doing so for 2 years. In recent light, a new girl joined our course at the start of the summer session. I didn’t really pay attention, and it continued to be like that for a couple 2-3 weeks. However, coach would constantly put us into a 1 v 1 practice situation, or I would have her as my partner for doubles. When I really started to pay attention to her, I wasn’t exactly “love struck”. It wasn’t “love at first sight”, because I didn’t know what I was looking for in a girl, and all my other crushes were existent because of stupid reasons like “oh she’s hot” or “she’s got a nice body”. Frankly, that was what I looked for in a girl.
Me, being a semi-fuckboy kind of dude liked to make some convo over badminton, like, as if introducing myself and getting to know each other. I didn’t pronounce her name correctly cause my coach would always do this weird accent with her name and I would think that was her name. Every lesson I would kind of converse with her over random stuff for short periods of time.
Summer break started. I went off for a week to Israel and Brussels with family for a week, and I didn’t really notify anyone. I came back, surprised, to see the girl leave me a message, asking why I didn’t come. That was how this all started. I quickly got her number, and we started talking. I would be the type of dude to drop a pickup every 2 lines or make some dirty joke over the phone with this voice she would call “magical” and “irresistible” the voice, not the content, she would say. We texted for about a week or two, until Ant man & the Wasp came out (great movie btw), and we went off to our first “date”, so to speak. It was my first time going out to movies with a girl, and I had to admit it was relatively awkward. It was rushed and not very pleasant, but I was happy to be able to go out with her, even if everything seemed fast. A couple days later, I figured out I wanted to continue the relationship. On one night, I couldn’t hold it in anymore, and I confessed to her over text. I know it wasn’t sincere in text, but she said she could feel my sincerity. She said that we needed more time to get to know each other, and she didn’t know if she liked me or not. We went on 2 more dates, one a movie date, and another a playdate at jumping gym, with lunch and some walks. Occasionally we would go to the same place, and I would bring her near the Hong Kong sea to feel the air, and it probably sounds weird, but it felt relaxing and I felt at peace. I would, on random days, come out of violin practice, and randomly call her, and she would be near, and we would meet up for a McDonalds or something. On each day I would call her, even though she insisted I didn’t need to, I would sometimes call her by video, and she would get really shy and hide her face with her plushie, while I would sometimes wink at her and she would start ahhing because she was shy. I really don’t know what happened but this doesn’t happen anymore because I’m not brave enough. On our third date, I told her we could watch Christopher robin, since I was a big fan of piglet from my childhood. She was excited and was happy to go with me. However, I cancelled and told her I didn’t have enough time to watch it with her, because I had a funeral and I couldn’t deny my mom’s authority. I could sense her disappointment, and she admitted she was disappointed too. After that night, she changed. No longer would she be in the mood for video calls, or have any shy response to anything, nor would she call me cute or say I love you again as we did, or react to my jokes and pickup lines. I was really sad and desperately browsed the web for answers. I came to the conclusion she didn’t like me anymore, and that I had lost her interest because of that night. Come till now, her texting attitude hasn’t changed much since that night, short and brief, without much emotion to her words and not many emoticons. It felt like I was talking to a nonexistent person who wasn’t interested. I knew I was being sensitive because she sounded cheerful in calls, if I did manage to call her.
Come the fourth date, and I went over to her area after her dance lesson to meet up for lunch, because she was hungry after lunch and it was around 3, so I rushed over to meet her for her lunch. We waited quite a long time for the restaurant that she insisted was really good and she really liked, so I stayed with her to eat, but forgetting to bring cash with me, she treated me to a bowl of ramen. I insisted she doesn’t need to, I didn’t have to eat anything, but she said because I treated her so many times, to movies, games, etc., it was a must. So, I had to surrender. We shared ice cream that day for dessert (her treat again), and it was really a happy moment, because I would steal her flavors even though she was the one who bought it for me. It was fun and more familial and closer than any of our other dates, and it felt like we were in an actual relationship. Come the badminton class on Sunday. She was late and told me over messenger. When she came, I felt that something wasn’t wrong, but I was selfless and careless, I didn’t notice anything wrong about her and didn’t really talk to her even though we just met the day before. I didn’t even glance as much at her when I left, and I fucking hate myself for being such a moody piece of shit. I wasn’t there when she needed me. I learned from my friend in class (a boy) who walks with her to the mtr after class because I take my mom’s car or taxi back home, that she was sick. I was so shocked to learn this, along with the fact that she was actually interested in me, by kind of lost interest over time because of reasons. I was heartbroken. On Monday I cried the whole day and thought about things, contemplating about our memories together and why I am such a bad person. She knew I was upset.
On WhatsApp before all of this happened, she told me she told me she thinks she treats me more like a little brother friend. I blue ticked and cried the entire day. She knew I was hurt, and apparently, she was heartbroken too, and had a heartache. The morning on Monday, she asked if she could call. I was already way passed my crying stage. When she called, I played “love me” and other reminiscent songs on the piano. She was crying. She said she really doesn’t know whether she loves me or not and is scared of love and not confident. I didn’t say anything, just kept playing. She asked me what if feels like, as she cried. I was really sad and heartbroken, so my voice was really small and wavering, and I really didn’t know what to say to her. She asked me to give her more time to think. The night, I got a reply. She doesn’t not like me, but she doesn’t know if she likes me. She thinks I should show that I care (as I am never brave enough to do anything attentive, nor am I a really good listener.) I said I’ll try to be more caring and attentive. But if she still doesn’t like me then, I said I’ll have to quit her even if I’m deeply in love with her.
I will never forget her sweet personality, the way she smiles at me, her sweet voice, and her interests, her embarrassing moments, and how cute she is over the phone and on video, always shy and bringing me the happiness I have never, ever felt. Before with my previous crushes, I really didn’t look for all this stuff.
I realized that I like her person, and I couldn’t live without someone like her, and not because she looks fair and beautiful, but because I love her person and who she is, and everything she is and represents. I realized I would take her over any supermodel without that personality. So when the time comes I probably can’t quit her, because I seriously cannot live without her in my life, and I sincerely, sincerely want to spend my life with her, no matter what happens. I can swear that to myself.
I have no idea why I am writing this. I didn’t even know what I was doing 2 nights ago. This is my last chance to up her interests again, but I have no confidence being that attentive and caring guardian, as my nature was always a self-centered prick who doesn’t really care about others unless it’s my family. She was sick, and I should have noticed. She was disappointed, and I should have comforted her. But I really need her, and I’m not giving up.
Please help me. I really don't know anymore.
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