Why won't my wife admit she masturbates?

[JFMIN]

First of all, when my wife pleasures herself, it is a huge turn-on for me. But when I mention it, or let her know I woke up and realized she was pleasuring herself, she gets extremely mad at me.

Here is the scenario: I wake up at night and the bed is gently rocking. I can hear the sheets rhythmically rustling back and forth, and hear my wife moaning/sighing, with the exact same sounds she makes when I am doing a good job pleasuring her during sex. If I am in a position to get a look, I can see her hand is down there steadily rubbing her crotch. If I roll over or do anything to indicate I am awake, she stops. If I start to touch her with hopes of joining in, she pretends to be asleep.

I have brought the subject up a few times, and she absolutely denies she is masturbating. I have made it clear I am totally ok with it, but it doesn't matter. I am desperate for advice on what the problem is (especially advice from women would be very welcome). Our sex life has steadily gone downhill for the past couple years, and her masturbating has gotten more frequent. She even claims that she is incapable of pleasuring herself down there. Is that even a possibility? Thanks for any advice anyone can offer.

[Sofia]

She denies masturbating because she feels it's degrading for you to know she's masturbating.

The best way to get her to admit is to engage her in a general sex talk, and in the middle of the discussion bring up the issue of masturbating.

[Scot]

In order for you to enjoy intimacy more often with your wife, there are some things she needs you to do differently...

When you come home at the end of your work day, your wife needs you to have a genuine attitude that lets her know she's the person you've wanted to be with all day...that you're excited to see her...that you're anxious to spend time with her.

I can assure you, a dull husband who puts off a vibe that home is a dull place he goes to at the end of a dull day with dull people does NOTHING to sexually stimulate his wife!

So, when you get home, make REAL eye contact with your wife. Give her a warm, sincere greeting. And then, spend some time with her.

As before, I can assure you, no wife gets turned on sexually by a husband who blows in the door, grunts at her as he passes by, and then ignores her the rest of the evening in favor of more work or the TV.

On the subject of TV... Would it seem to an observer that you're "more" married to your TV than your wife?

The thought that goes through many women's head as they say "No!" to their husband's sexual advances is, "Go "hump" the TV - that's "who" you've spent all evening with!"

As simple as it may seem, many marriages would improve IMMEDIATELY if the husband would just turn off the TV and start interacting with his wife.

Men, being dull and boring doesn't work when it comes to turning on a woman sexually.

The fact that men tend to be OUTCOME oriented means that they naturally tend to be PROCESS oriented...they want to know what process they need to follow in order to get a certain outcome.

And in the realm of intimacy, a woman - who's focused on the relationship side of things - finds such an outcome and process oriented man...

...DULL, STERILE, and a TURN-OFF!

Now, the not-so-funny thing is, when I tell this to men, many of them just dismiss what I'm telling them as if what I'm saying doesn't apply to them. They just flat don't "get it" - and that's why they don't "get sex" very often!

So, let me give you an example of how a man's natural process orientation gets between him and the intimacy he wants...

During the first year - give or take a little - a man spends quite a bit of time trying to learn what physical techniques his wife likes.

(As an aside, the fact that the man is paying so much attention to his wife is a major reason why the first year of marriage is usually the best - and subsequent years aren't as pleasant.)

Once the man learns which physical things his wife likes - he'll turn the whole thing into a scientific process.

From then on - at least until something major happens like a divorce or his wife cheating on him - the man will "apply" the exact same process to every lovemaking session he has with his wife.

And so, after a few years, it starts to look something like this...

1. On Saturday night
2. Turn off TV at 10:45 pm
3. Go through clean-up ritual
4. Crawl in bed with wife
5. Start applying preliminary physical techniques - such as kissing wife on the neck.
6. Start applying accelerator physical techniques - such as breast or vaginal stimulation.
7. Go for intercourse.
8. All through and off to sleep at 11:15 pm

To the woman, it becomes a STALE, REPULSIVE ROUTINE where she can reliably predict exactly what's going to happen...she can reliably count on her husband starting "on her cold" at the same time to being "finished with himself" at the same time...like clockwork...

Such a ritual is totally UNINSPIRING to a woman.

No wonder so many women act like they don't want sex.

They want more of a love life than to be totally ignored except for 11 pm on Saturday night.

As a counter-example, it's kind of like trying to make love to a woman who never makes any sound and who never gives any indication of any pleasure or appreciation for the intimacy...she just lays there curiously looking at the man as if he were engaged in some freakish activity...pretty soon, the man is going to despise the very notion of having sex with such a woman. Pretty soon, this man will be looking for a new woman.

In like fashion, a wife is NOT looking for some man to merely have intercourse with. If that's all she needed, she'd probably get herself an adult toy and stay single.

What a wife wants is for her husband to be a suitor - a man who's wooing his woman - a man who's showing attention too and providing excitement for a woman in an effort to attract her to him.

And when a man provides this to his wife, that's when he'll find her saying "Yes" to intimacy instead of "No".

[JFMIN]

We don't even own a TV.

[Splinterjc]

She denies masturbating because she feels it's degrading for you to know she's masturbating.

The best way to get her to admit is to engage her in a general sex talk, and in the middle of the discussion bring up the issue of masturbating.

If she tells you directly that you are not meeting her needs, she'll probably crush your ego.

I suggest you integrate this idea of her masturbating into your lovemaking.The key is to make her comfortable about it.

[JFMIN]

I have already made it clear to her that it doesn't bother me one bit and it is a totally natural thing for anyone to do. She still claims she is not even able to pleasure herself. Could that possibly be true? Are there women out there who can't pleasure themselves even if they try?