I don't know what to do

[justme1]

I can't believe this is even a thing for me at my age. I've been single for a long time, and I've been happy. All of a sudden, i started having feelings for a friend of mine, and have no idea what to do. I'm under the impression that if a man is interested, he'll pursue you, but we're already friends, so that doesn't really apply. On top of that, I would say we're both poor at the emotional side of things - very much so - plus a lot of fear stemming from that. Neither of us has had any particularly long relationships before. Never married. I'm 30+, he's 40+

There have been many moments I was certain something was going to happen (didn't), and he's always thoughtful when we're out (protective, walks me home, offers to carry things), but that could be with everyone. I don't know. He doesn't have any other female friends (or many friends at all), so no point of reference.

I'm thinking maybe just walk away. I have lost a lot of sleep over this, and it's seriously having a detrimental effect on all facets of my life. The main problem is we work in the same place (not together, so I only see him in the hall/break room), so it's harder to cut him out. (I don't need a lecture on workplace politics. Our company is lax.)

I suppose what I'm asking is should I walk away, or HOW should I walk away? I don't want to lose a friend, but at the same time, that would be preferable to losing my mind.

[Jane]

I think this friend of yours likes you just the same way you like him, but he doesn't know how to express his feelings to you. Some men are scared of expressing their feelings to a woman because of fear of rejection.

Therefore, I will advice you help him by asking him what he thinks about you. You can start by asking him if he has a girlfriend, and if he says no then ask him what he thinks about you. This will help to make him express his thought of you.

[justme1]

Thanks for your response.

Well, he doesn't have a girlfriend. Again, he's my friend, so.... I'm pretty sure I'd know. We're not super close, but have known each other a while, and talk/hang out regularly.

He "disappears" a lot, and doesn't really put forth much effort into anything. Almost always me. He's a weirdo, though, so who knows? When we're together, it's all good. One of the stranger people I know. Meh.

Nothing will ever pan out if there's no move from him. Can't do it - risk is a terrible thing - maybe the worst, in my experience. I think it's probably best to leave it. Too old for this level of confusion. So how do I? Slowly move away, or go cold turkey? Hmm...

[Brett]

There have been many moments I was certain something was going to happen (didn't), and he's always thoughtful when we're out (protective, walks me home, offers to carry things), but that could be with everyone. I don't know. He doesn't have any other female friends (or many friends at all), so no point of reference.

He has strong feelings for you but can't express it because of fear of rejection. He may be scared he'll lose his friendship with you if he tells you he likes you, just the same way you don't want to lose the friendship with him.

Do you want to upgrade your relationship from best friend to boyfriend? Is the amicable relationship driving you nuts as you dream of more? Are you considering taking that step from platonic to romantic? Often times a good male friend can become a great boyfriend. But if things don't work out between you as a couple, you run the risk of not only losing a boyfriend, but a good friend. Keep the following tips in mind as you attempt to make a boyfriend out of a good friend.

Don't treat him as you treat all your friends. Stand him apart and pay special attention to him, if not, you'll just mesh in with the rest of the group and be just another friend. If you want him to feel differently about you, you have to treat him differently. Offer a friendly ear and comforting words when he's down. Let him know he can always rely on you when he has problems.

Add a touch of flirt to what has otherwise been platonic. Become a tad more touchy feely. Pat his chest as you compliment his shirt. Tease him about his work out while you squeeze his biceps. Drop little hints regarding how attractive you find him. And try to make yourself more attractive as well. If you've fallen into the habit of dunning old jeans and a messy t-shirt for your outings, start dressing up a bit when you know you'll see him and fix you hair up a bit more than usual. If you've known him for years and he's come to see you as one of the guys, he may need a bit of a nudge to notice the woman behind the friend.

And lastly, be aware of his reaction. Is he receptive of your new advances or has he suddenly taken to avoiding you? Does he look at you as if you're nuts? Does he barely notice when you dress up, or perhaps even ridicule you? If he gives absolutely no indication whatsoever that a romantic relationship with you interests him, back away. Perhaps just giving him time to digest this new turn of events is what he needs. Don't put too much pressure. You still want to be the fun friend you've always been, while hinting that you'd like his status to change from best friend to boyfriend

[justme1]

All well and good. I would prefer to not have any feelings right now, so do you have any suggestions for me to cut him out? I would never express my feelings, and I'm certain he won't. The closest I've come is saying, "I appreciate you." The whole "what is happening?" hasn't ever been a problem of mine, so it's odd, borderline disturbing. Maybe it would be good to have a relationship, but it's been so long, all I remember is the suffocation. Not going to work.

Probably answered my own question. Just avoid him, and stop being a weirdo.