Communicating Negative Feelings

[Antman1111]

Hey. My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost 11 months now. Im male and 29, she is 36. The past couple of months have been rocky. There has been too much arguing and ineffective arguing, mostly. We both know it and want that to change for the better.

However, we have come to different ideas on communicating Negative emotions towards each other, like if someone says something hurtful to the other and the recipient of the words feels the need to later express the upset feelings to the other about their behaviour. We have both ineffectivly expressed our negative emotions with each other on a number of occasions.

So I feel we need to learn new strategies for effectively communicating negative emotions in a way where we both feel secure and understood. However, she has recently said that she doesn't believe we need to communicate negative emotions with each other, that if we dont express it IMMEDIATELY we should learn to deal with it within ourselves.

Example: We got into an argument once (not even a bad one) and she said to me "you don't respect my time or me" and "you don't care." I felt it to be an inappropriate thing to suggest because she usually praises me for just the opposite. In arguments, however, she is prone to say those things, then days later, after things have cooled, she expresses the positive opposite of those statements. I've expressed to her many times that it hurts me to be told "you don't care about me."

In the stated single argument above she had me apologize for how my behaviour made her feel. (I had taken the trash out and said I'd be right back, but I got distracted talking to a neighbor friend of ours and spent 30min outside. When I returned she was hurt and said she felt "ditched" because we had plans and I'm lolly gagging along.) I did apologize, the next day, for it making her feel ditched, but ensured her that was not my intent and that I got distracted.

Now a week later I tell her that I apologized to her but that I feel she was never sensitive to my feelings after I had been told "you don't care and don't respect my time". And I explained that it hurts me to hear that so often in arguments and that it makes me want to "throw my hands up" when I hear it now. She replied by saying that at this point (a week later) I should just learn to deal with that myself and should learn to self sooth....

Man, that hurt to hear.

I feel like it is imperative to express ALL emotions with your partner (respectfully as possible), yes, even the negative ones. I expressed to her that it's only fair for her not to express negative emotions (days later) if I'm not supposed to. I said this just to see what she said. She agreed whole heartedly. I don't.

She feels like I want to discuss problems too often, and I agree that discussing problems without a greater measure of positive feedback is no good. Yet, I feel we have a lot of mutual positive feedback. She says "if it were up to you we'd discuss problems till we're in the grave."

She has been doing yoga for a month now everyday and is trying to be positive in her thinking and words, she says. I'm glad she is doing that. Yet, it seems her take on that is to not let negativity out our mouths. That, even though one person may have said a hurtful things to the other, we should deal with this those negative feelings on our own in meditation. This sounds like no relationship advice I've ever heard...

She says she is "sick of talking problems." Okay. Lately, we probably do need to have greater positive feedback to add to the mix, no doubt. But I don't feel it's healthy to deal with 'mutually created negative feelings' on our own. I feel like in situations where those emotions arise we need to deal with them ourselves but we also need our partners help, especially if they were involved in creating those difficult emotions.

We are supposed to discuss this soon. What do you think? Any advice?

[Bill]

Communication is key to success in all relationships. From romantic relationships to professional relationships to parent-child relationships, it is important individuals learn to and are able to effectively communicate with each other.

Why is communication important? Good communication can and will increase the satisfaction of your life just as bad communication can and will reduce it. How so?

Well, we all have something to say and we all wish to relate our needs, desires, thoughts, and emotions to our romantic partners, co-workers, children, friends, and loved ones. Sharing our thoughts allows us to express our feelings, it relieves stress, and it is important for building a bond and strengthening the relationship. More importantly, if you communicate well you’re more likely to be well-liked and respected.

Communication is always important, but particularly important during time of conflicts and stress. It will prevent (or minimize) misunderstandings which can lead to unnecessary arguments. These are the times when our personal feelings and biases come into play and what we say is often reflected in our feelings, insecurities, and limiting beliefs. If you practice good communication skills, however, it will help you resolve conflicts at a faster rate.

Tips to Enhance Your Communication and Your Relationships

Listen: Listen to what you are being told. A person’s words are a good give away of what they want from you. Try not to add your own interpretation of their words. Repeat what they say in different words and see if your partner agrees with you.

Attention: When someone is trying to communicate with you, place your full attention on that person. Sometimes it’s tempting to split your attention between your partner and the television/ work/ other activity. It can even be tempting to just tune your partner out. This is hurtful and can cause your partner to feel insignificant to you.

Body language: A picture tells 1000 words. So does your body language. What is your body language saying? Through your body language you can convey annoyance, boredom, love, disinterest, etc. It is best when body language matches what you are trying to say.

Be direct & concise: Often times we speak in code (especially women) and just want our loved one to guess what we want. Sometimes we say one thing hoping s/he will know we mean another thing. Of course this leads to confusion, fights, frustration, and disappointment. Be honest and direct (get to the point) when communicating.

Think ahead: Most of us (if not all of us) can recall saying something only to regret it as its coming out of our mouths. Words can be wounding. When communicating with your partner stay in the present moment and think about how your words will affect your partner and impact your relationship. Remember, once you say it you can’t take it back.

Need to be right: While it’s great to be right, we are seldom right ALL the time. Many times your discussion has nothing to do with who is right and everything to do with understanding where each of you is coming from. If there is a right or wrong, it’s important both parties accept responsibility for their own mistakes. Do not make your argument about whose mistake is bigger, or different, or stupider, or worse. Concentrate on solving the issue at hand and not on who is more right.

[Bella]

Defensive behavior is one of the leading causes of on-going painful conflicts within a relationship, the type which can lead to long term damage. Defensive behavior sends the message to your partner that their experiences and ideas are wrong, and that you are in the right. However, as you may have seen, in these situations, a well meaning defense can quickly turn into a battle where each side is unwilling to give in.

The Communication Battle Attack: History is full of those moments when a true defense was necessary. In romantic medieval times, when a person was attacked, they defended themselves. They pulled out their armor, a shield and sword, and prepared to do battle. This response was due their desire to protect their own safety. Thinking back to the previous situation, when during an interchange if your partner is in a defensive position, it is generally because they don’t feel safe and possibly feel attacked. This leads them to put on their armor for their own protection, and then pick up their own sword and attack. This situation is what I call a “Communication Battle.” Situations such as these break down the family unit and place the combatants on opposing sides, fighting against each other in a vicious pattern, one that creates little positive communication.

Defensive behaviors can also be a sign of deeper communication issues. Sometimes, no matter how carefully someone addresses an issue with you, you automatically go into defense mode. This common response is often learned at a young age; when tough situations arise, each of us naturally reacts in a certain way. This reaction becomes a crutch to help us through situations where we need help coping with our own insecurities. However, we often become dependant on our crutches, and choose to keep them around far longer than they are actually needed. If this sounds like you, it will take more of an effort to remove the crutch and change this behavior.

Defensive Behaviors, like many common communication issues often become exacerbated by poor communication skills. In relationships, it is often easier to point out how your partner needs to change than to work as a team to confront the issue together. The most important thing to remember in this situation is that people change when they want to, not when we want them to.

The key to creating change in unhealthy communication patterns is to create a supportive environment, where both partners are working to communicate effectively. This places responsibility on both partners, allowing each to have a stake in the outcome.

Relationships are like a baby mobile, if you tug on one side, everything changes. If you shift your behavior, your partner will automatically have to shift their behavior in response. Make sure you move in the right direction, allowing you partner’s behavior to move in the same way. All this change is often overwhelming, placing us in situations where we once again start to rely on our safe, comfortable, old crutches. However, no movement can happen if we continually rely on our crutches for support. It may be time to remember how to walk on your own again, leaving the crutches behind. Leaving the crutches behind is not easy, but do not fear, it can be done. Learning to walk unaided again takes a lot of willingness and self exploration, topics which a therapist can assist you with. In my practice, I foster a collaborative exploration in which I ask directing questions; questions which require you to look deep inside, and determine what your crutches are.

Quick Tips to Deal with Defensive Behaviors:

• Keep track of how often you get defensive, use a notebook so an accurate record is kept. What did you say? How was your tone of voice? What was your body language saying? Keeping track helps you become more aware of your own behaviors. Awareness is Key in creating change in life.

• Next time you begin feeling attacked, don’t surrender, withdraw, or attack back. Instead of becoming defensive try to understand where your partner is coming from. Ask meaningful questions about how they feel, and express how you feel.

• Start Individual or couples counseling. You can gain insight and a larger understanding of where this and other negative behaviors come from, why they happen, and how to decrease them.

• Experiment with trying something different. Next time you notice yourself becoming defensive, try doing something different. Notice how your partner reacts. Does he/she react differently? Where they less or more reactive? Look for the smallest change, because changes start small. Remember the mobile, and remember that each change will bring about more changes.

• Of course, no one can be completely rid of their own defensive behaviors; however, we can always decrease our reactivity to create a safe and caring environment for our partner. The safer (emotionally) it is for your partner, the safer your partner will make it for you. They will follow by example.