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Hi guys,
My very first post - just signed up. Usually I don't seek for any sort of advice on internet, instead I meet friends and we go the bar to "discuss"... :-)
But my life has completely turned around and it has to the point I need advice. This is not short story because its messed up situation, please bear with me.
I met this person at work, classic scenario, all innocent. We work quite close to each, we work together and obviously, spending that much time together, it brings you closer...
I remember meeting for the very first time and I must admit I found in strange...not in a bad way, I'd say interesting, there was something peculiar. Little did I know that it would grow stronger and stronger.
BUT! He's from overseas and already was in a relationship with someone else, a long term on on which I knew about and did not pay attention to my slowly growing feelings...or let's call connection we both had, a good banter and similar views on life we shared. As his visa was about to expire in November last year, he had to go back to Australia with his parent to get this sorted - lots of paperwork involved which would help him to stay longer - a marriage of convenience - if we can call marriage or some formal partnership, I don't know understand how it works really...
Fast forwarding, we became a well rounded duo and used to share a lot, including him hinting out that the relationship was not going right direction, him going on holiday with her and our colleagues teasing him that Greece could certainly be an option to save this "marriage" and things might improve. I never asked more as I didn't want to be intrusive but back back I knew I was falling for him. We got each other's jokes, giggled on same stuff and became work "friends". It was little by little when I started to realise his mood changes, he'd rather stay at work longer than needed and we would just enjoy each other's company. Although we would never cross any limits, except little teasing/flirting until one day when he actually started to showing me this affection. Never verbally, hes not a teller, although as manager he comes across as strong leader and can certainly tell people to fuck off, as a person I discovered is completely different, very uncomfortable speaking about his feelings, certainly not confident about himself, borderline timid... That is why I fell for him, because I was able to see his other side which he wouldn't allow with other people. And that's how it began... it started to be complicated as we both noticed that our whatever that was was turning deeper and things have changed between us awkwardly. Him being in a relationship which was probably just a transaction / or outgrowing each other... He would never speak badly about her, but suddenly he stopped talking about his personal life at some stage with everyone, looking worried and unhappy. Never dared to ask where this was heading, knowing that I have no right to do that unless he tells me. And I still could not stop feeling what I was feeling.
Until one day he turned up really crossed, almost aggressive, and next day he announced that his partner was pregnant. Baby was obviously not on the cards, not wished, not coming under whatever circumstances the had. As here it would be great to put a hold on whole crazy thing about two of us, why on earth it never stopped? He'd still prefer to be at work, hanging with us from work and trying to forget the fact that soon his life would turn around for good.
Call it mad, crazy or naive, but we both have something which would bring us together, all over again, still not crossing any lines. From that time that "old" him would change for a grumpy, sad and nervous being, nervous for obvious reasons, baby is always a scary thing, but there was more to it. We continued this silent appreciation for one another until Christmas, still any of us saying anything loud, because it was wrong, he was expecting a baby with his partner and I was hurting inside. As I said, he can become very clumsy when it comes to his emotions and I am pretty much same. We both are scared of showing more. Just before Christmas, I was going on holidays, and we hugged each other tight where I had this feelings, once I am back, all will be different, as baby was due early January.
January arrived and things really got different - he even started to be mean to me, something I never experienced, pushing me away in a sense to break that bond we had, a friendship which was one step closer to maybe more than that. I got hurt by it, he would start making some remarks on my work, excluding me from work gatherings, some sort of a way to stop everything nice we had. When I asked if he was sulking, he said no but he went keep going weird with me and I could not understand why...
His social media was full of baby and family days, acting happy, but when he came back to work, he'd made me his punch bag,whatever he could not release at home, it went on me. Months passed and he realised what he had done. One day he welcomed me with a chocolate to say thank you for no reason and he had tears in his eyes. He changed from that moment and would never go horrible on me although it was not the same like in the past. There were days ( and still are up today ) where we both sit and we both teary eyed exchanging a complete silence, he fights tears on his side and I do pretty much same. No matter how we both try to fight it, we keep coming back to each other, like being in the same room, even not saying/doing anything, we just feel good around each other. When I am upset, he comes and tries to comfort me with some silliness or tries to ease the situation. Times where he plays happy family and shares it on social media, it upsets me, and he knows it. Then when he sees me next day, he acts like he wants to apologise, but not knowing how. When we share our little office ( the smallest in the word )I feel almost like he wants me to talk, but I have always waited for him to open up and tell me how everything is. He's a nice man, doing a right thing, once he told that he has responsibility now and got teary eyed again. I believe he has people around him, expectations and I understand he loves his child but my senses keep telling there is something not right about him. I can see a dash of anxiety, sadness and situation he's in. We had these silly thing on whatssapp, where we usually come online at same times, or specific times, I know, sounds shit crazy, but as we both are scared what would come out of our mouths, there are things unspoken between us. He plays music, songs and always turns up the volume if he wants me to hear the lyrics, and those are usually madly romantic / depressing tunes how you want to be with someone but cannot. We both have strong egos, we know the situation is messed up, my aim was never to be someone else's mistress, but the fact is : i do not want to loose him. I do not have balls to tell him how I feel about him.
Is there a kind of thing, I don't know, you cannot untie yourself from someone, and simply you don't want to.We met at the wrong time, I am being realistic, but also I want him to know how much I care about him and to have him in my life. He feels guilty of feelings, tries to cover it and when I do the same, he would always bounce back to see if I am there for him. When I try to move on and he feels it, that does not please him either - it is not with me, not without me...
I want us to talk but in the end, it should be him explaining himself - we both deserve honesty, that unspoken, hurtful, hidden feelings even if we need to separate our ways one day. I never believed into soulmates/destiny kind of thing, but two of us is never ending roller coaster of emotions. I would never have issues with him having a child, the issue is, him not communicating and have no balls to be at least honest. We are both good people trying to play the fair game but why we keep bouncing to each other, why when one of runs, other ones comes to ensure that the special bond or I don't even know what it is, is still there? Like a crazy ride you cannot jump out of!
If he says he cannot offer me anything except friendship, I'd understand. Or if he wants me in his life one day as more than a friend, but needs to sort our his own life first, I'd need to know that too...
Any thoughts will be appreciated... and sorry for such a Bible here, I was crying whilst writing this.
B x
My very first post - just signed up. Usually I don't seek for any sort of advice on internet, instead I meet friends and we go the bar to "discuss"... :-)
But my life has completely turned around and it has to the point I need advice. This is not short story because its messed up situation, please bear with me.
I met this person at work, classic scenario, all innocent. We work quite close to each, we work together and obviously, spending that much time together, it brings you closer...
I remember meeting for the very first time and I must admit I found in strange...not in a bad way, I'd say interesting, there was something peculiar. Little did I know that it would grow stronger and stronger.
BUT! He's from overseas and already was in a relationship with someone else, a long term on on which I knew about and did not pay attention to my slowly growing feelings...or let's call connection we both had, a good banter and similar views on life we shared. As his visa was about to expire in November last year, he had to go back to Australia with his parent to get this sorted - lots of paperwork involved which would help him to stay longer - a marriage of convenience - if we can call marriage or some formal partnership, I don't know understand how it works really...
Fast forwarding, we became a well rounded duo and used to share a lot, including him hinting out that the relationship was not going right direction, him going on holiday with her and our colleagues teasing him that Greece could certainly be an option to save this "marriage" and things might improve. I never asked more as I didn't want to be intrusive but back back I knew I was falling for him. We got each other's jokes, giggled on same stuff and became work "friends". It was little by little when I started to realise his mood changes, he'd rather stay at work longer than needed and we would just enjoy each other's company. Although we would never cross any limits, except little teasing/flirting until one day when he actually started to showing me this affection. Never verbally, hes not a teller, although as manager he comes across as strong leader and can certainly tell people to fuck off, as a person I discovered is completely different, very uncomfortable speaking about his feelings, certainly not confident about himself, borderline timid... That is why I fell for him, because I was able to see his other side which he wouldn't allow with other people. And that's how it began... it started to be complicated as we both noticed that our whatever that was was turning deeper and things have changed between us awkwardly. Him being in a relationship which was probably just a transaction / or outgrowing each other... He would never speak badly about her, but suddenly he stopped talking about his personal life at some stage with everyone, looking worried and unhappy. Never dared to ask where this was heading, knowing that I have no right to do that unless he tells me. And I still could not stop feeling what I was feeling.
Until one day he turned up really crossed, almost aggressive, and next day he announced that his partner was pregnant. Baby was obviously not on the cards, not wished, not coming under whatever circumstances the had. As here it would be great to put a hold on whole crazy thing about two of us, why on earth it never stopped? He'd still prefer to be at work, hanging with us from work and trying to forget the fact that soon his life would turn around for good.
Call it mad, crazy or naive, but we both have something which would bring us together, all over again, still not crossing any lines. From that time that "old" him would change for a grumpy, sad and nervous being, nervous for obvious reasons, baby is always a scary thing, but there was more to it. We continued this silent appreciation for one another until Christmas, still any of us saying anything loud, because it was wrong, he was expecting a baby with his partner and I was hurting inside. As I said, he can become very clumsy when it comes to his emotions and I am pretty much same. We both are scared of showing more. Just before Christmas, I was going on holidays, and we hugged each other tight where I had this feelings, once I am back, all will be different, as baby was due early January.
January arrived and things really got different - he even started to be mean to me, something I never experienced, pushing me away in a sense to break that bond we had, a friendship which was one step closer to maybe more than that. I got hurt by it, he would start making some remarks on my work, excluding me from work gatherings, some sort of a way to stop everything nice we had. When I asked if he was sulking, he said no but he went keep going weird with me and I could not understand why...
His social media was full of baby and family days, acting happy, but when he came back to work, he'd made me his punch bag,whatever he could not release at home, it went on me. Months passed and he realised what he had done. One day he welcomed me with a chocolate to say thank you for no reason and he had tears in his eyes. He changed from that moment and would never go horrible on me although it was not the same like in the past. There were days ( and still are up today ) where we both sit and we both teary eyed exchanging a complete silence, he fights tears on his side and I do pretty much same. No matter how we both try to fight it, we keep coming back to each other, like being in the same room, even not saying/doing anything, we just feel good around each other. When I am upset, he comes and tries to comfort me with some silliness or tries to ease the situation. Times where he plays happy family and shares it on social media, it upsets me, and he knows it. Then when he sees me next day, he acts like he wants to apologise, but not knowing how. When we share our little office ( the smallest in the word )I feel almost like he wants me to talk, but I have always waited for him to open up and tell me how everything is. He's a nice man, doing a right thing, once he told that he has responsibility now and got teary eyed again. I believe he has people around him, expectations and I understand he loves his child but my senses keep telling there is something not right about him. I can see a dash of anxiety, sadness and situation he's in. We had these silly thing on whatssapp, where we usually come online at same times, or specific times, I know, sounds shit crazy, but as we both are scared what would come out of our mouths, there are things unspoken between us. He plays music, songs and always turns up the volume if he wants me to hear the lyrics, and those are usually madly romantic / depressing tunes how you want to be with someone but cannot. We both have strong egos, we know the situation is messed up, my aim was never to be someone else's mistress, but the fact is : i do not want to loose him. I do not have balls to tell him how I feel about him.
Is there a kind of thing, I don't know, you cannot untie yourself from someone, and simply you don't want to.We met at the wrong time, I am being realistic, but also I want him to know how much I care about him and to have him in my life. He feels guilty of feelings, tries to cover it and when I do the same, he would always bounce back to see if I am there for him. When I try to move on and he feels it, that does not please him either - it is not with me, not without me...
I want us to talk but in the end, it should be him explaining himself - we both deserve honesty, that unspoken, hurtful, hidden feelings even if we need to separate our ways one day. I never believed into soulmates/destiny kind of thing, but two of us is never ending roller coaster of emotions. I would never have issues with him having a child, the issue is, him not communicating and have no balls to be at least honest. We are both good people trying to play the fair game but why we keep bouncing to each other, why when one of runs, other ones comes to ensure that the special bond or I don't even know what it is, is still there? Like a crazy ride you cannot jump out of!
If he says he cannot offer me anything except friendship, I'd understand. Or if he wants me in his life one day as more than a friend, but needs to sort our his own life first, I'd need to know that too...
Any thoughts will be appreciated... and sorry for such a Bible here, I was crying whilst writing this.
B x
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