My boyfriend justifies why he abuses me?

[dancinglemon]

it's only when we fight but...He does so in many ways. Mostly Verbally. I've told him it tears me apart when he calls be names such as dumba**, idiot, b**ch, c*nt, tells me I am embarrassing and I need help. I asked him to stop. He says "if anyone asks me not to call them a name, I still would. When I'm angry I can't control myself. Is it so hard to ask for you to accept my anger?"

I ask if it's so hard to ask not to be called all those names. He tells me I'm rude for saying that after he just told me he can't control the fact that he calls me names. Is that a thing? Am I being a jerk for not understanding?

As for the physical abuse, his justification is when I raise MY hands (I talk with my hands by the way) HE gets scared I'm going to hit him so he acts before I do. He's pushed me to the sofa many times, today making my nose bleed with his weight on me, so I couldn't breathe. Lost my glasses a few times in the process of falling hard to the sofa. Grabs my wrists and arms with his nails. One time he grabbed my wrists and made the mistake of bringing my hands up. I grabbed his hair, because I asked him to let go of my arms countless times. I thought if I had his hair, he wouldn't throw me around this time, as he'd get hurt too. Trying to save myself more bruises. He lets go of me, a quick second of hope sparks in me, but he grabs my hair, and yanks my head sideways and tells me I have no right grabbing his hair. One time I didn't look at him as he spoke. To be fair my face was in the toilet as I vomited. He didn't like me ignoring him so he grabbed my hair and made me look at him. 3 Times I can count fearing my life thinking with his strength, surely this time is the time he snaps my neck.

And to top it off, I had a set of rules to follow. 1.I'm allowed to be sad but can't "put my emotions on him". 2. In any level of argument, I can't bring up the past. 3. If he has a female friend, I'm not allowed to say anything about it good or bad. "You say a word about my next female friend and I will end us" (which sounds fishy no matter how you say it or why you say it)

You all can bet your butts I've finally come to my senses and told myself he doesn't love me no matter what he says, and I will no longer be with him. I just need some reassurance here. Need him to see I am not crazy and that nothing justifies any type of abuse he's caused me. He doesn't listen to me. Maybe if he sees the truth, the next poor girl may have a chance.

[Unicorn365]

There's never a good reason for someone to be abusive, in any way shape or form. I would get out asap!

[Barry]

[QUOTE=dancinglemon]As for the physical abuse, his justification is when I raise MY hands (I talk with my hands by the way) HE gets scared I'm going to hit him so he acts before I do.
[/QUOTE]

There is no enough reason for him to abuse you. He has no justification whatsoever to abuse you even if you hit him first.

I will advice you get out of that relationship immediately, because if you don't it will kill your confidence. As a result, you may not be confident in your ability and what you can attain anymore.

[Shirley]

The best answer I can give for 'Why do boyfriends abuse their girlfriends' is: Because they do not know any better. If you have been, or are being verbally, emotionally and physically abused by your boyfriend, this is what you need to know to change your situation now...

All reasons for why boyfriends abuse their girlfriends point to the same conclusion. Boyfriends abuse their girlfriends verbally, emotionally or physically, because they do not have an awareness that their behaviour is hurting someone. If they do have an awareness, they simply do not care enough about their girlfriends to stop hurting them. This is NOT normal. My experience is that most men are extremely decent, loving and caring people, who have strong desires to protect and love the people they care about - especially the females in their life.

If you find yourself in a relationship where your boyfriend abuses you, I highly encourage that you give yourself the chance to widen your social circle and meet men from different walks of life. To do this, spend time in a completely different place. Go somewhere NICE that you have never been to before. Dress as neatly as you can and observe how other men behave towards the women they are with. Do your own experiment by noticing at least 10 different men. Bring a notebook with you and record your observations of the way they dress and behave - especially towards women or their girlfriend. If a man comes and talks to you, smile demurely and let him do the talking. If he abuses you in any way or makes you uncomfortable, get away from him. There is no need to retaliate and abuse him back. Just walk away or shout for help. Do something different.

In life, it is so important that we don't keep doing the same thing while expecting for a different result. Think about it: If you want to colour a Sun yellow, but you keep using the same red crayon over and over again, how are you going to achieve the result that you want? The only chance you have of colouring your Sun yellow, is to use a different crayon, even if you do not know what other crayons you have yet. Yes, you may end up with many different coloured suns on your paper, but at least you used every crayon you had, instead of only sticking with something that has already proven itself to be unsuitable for your needs.

So what I am saying is: If you desire to have a boyfriend who treats you with loving care, consideration and affection, choose a different boyfriend. Don't stay with a boyfriend who has already proven himself incapable of consistently behaving with verbal, physical and emotional decency and caring. Men really do not change that much. And it is not your job to hang around waiting to see if a guy ever changes. It is your job to take good care of yourself. Once your abusive boyfriend has already shown you he is a "red crayon", he is not what you are looking for. Summon up as much courage and self-love as you can, and embark on a new and better journey instead. Ask other people for their help and support. Give yourself the gift of opening yourself up to better possibilities. Learn from your mistakes so you can choose your boyfriend more carefully and wisely in future.

[Lonely without love]

Absolutely not. There is no justification whatsoever. I come from a violent background and I told my ex if I ever lift a hand against her believe me immediately... Thankfully I never did. We had many many arguments in our time together. It is just unacceptable. You leave him!!! No if and or buts about it. I can see someone attempted to give someone a chance the very first time. But more then once, no way. He will do it again. He has proven that to you already. And no it doesn't matter if you can't afford to go somewhere, it's the wrong time, he's the only one that works ..... They are all, all just excuses. Things will get worse. Sorry doesn't change the fact that he has done it over and over again. And it doesn't matter if you did something you or he feels is a (good reason).

[dancinglemon]

“He will do it again. He has proven that to you already.”

you could say that again. He wanted to grab some stuff so I let him in. I walked away as he was talking and he didn’t like that so he put his nails in my arm. And when I interrupted him for a second, he had his hands around my throat.

You think you know someone so well. Watch them grow into a mature person. Then you find out that on the inside they’re really growing into a monster. I told him he was a monster. His response ? “I don’t care what you call me”

[Realigned]

At this point, his rehabilitation should not be your primary concern...your safety should. Please don't try to fix him, or help him, or "prove" anything to him or anyone else for that matter. That will only make it worse. Just leave. Tell as many people as you can...do not be afraid or embarrassed...find others who will help you and support you. You will need them to keep you from buying into his present or future attempts to get you back (and by "get you back" I mean either retaliation or reconciliation).

[bunnyhabit]

a guy beating on girl is the lowest form of life. every guy that beat me up got a full dose of revenge sooner or later with me watching it go down