This will be a long post, I just want to make sure I have everything explained before anyone chooses to side between one side or another.
Me and my boyfriend met in high school. I never had those butterfly feelings with him in the beginning. I hesitated to say yes to dating him. We actually disliked each other when we met. He is disabled and I'm not sure but I think I felt bad so I said yes. This was the first guy ever to ask me out. He said I love you in two weeks which I thought was super fast. 2 months later I hung out with this guy I really really liked and kissed him. I broke off with my boyfriend for 2 weeks but then I missed him and got back together. Ever since then he has been getting angry but I grew to love him. We had good times but a lot of bad times too. Months later I had enough of his BS and when he was out of town I met up with my male friend and I ended up stripping for him feeling very angry at my boyfriend for how he kept treating me. He was very emotionally and verbally abusive. So that also broke our relationship more. It's been 10 years and I always feel like I'm seeking someone else, like the grass is always greener on the other side. He has also had some abusive moments like choking me and such. 3 weeks ago I went on a "date" as he says with a coworker of mine. He paid to take me out to a concert and bought me beer. Nothing happened that night but my boyfriend has trust issues cause I guess I am s***. I guess that was wrong but this guy was treating me sooo good. Me and my boyfriend do also have happy moments too and he loves me with all his heart. The problem is he gets super angry. The other night we had sex and he asked me after what I fantasized about and I told him nothing. He kept prodding me and I admitted it was to the other guy who I really like and he treats me nice. He got really pissed and it was a big fight. The next day I was at work and he kept saying how he will kill himself and he kept going on all day like that, that if I leave him he will kill himself and acted like he had 2 personalities and threatened our kitties. I know he wouldn't do anything but that is still screwed up. So one day goes by and I act like nothing has happened and things are back to normal. The next day I go through the facebook messages all the way back to 2013 and notice a pattern of fights. I bring it up to him and he gets super angry that I'm starting shit again and won't leave the past in the past. He takes my laptop and says since I want to break up so bad with him he will delete all my photos and locks himself in my room. I change my password and remotely restart my laptop while he's on it so he can't get on. He gets even angrier. It goes down like this...he slapped me twice, kicked me, choked me, pushed my head into the laptop and onto the floor, and threatened me with a hammer. After some time I was able to leave and run out of my apartment where my friend picked me up. I spent the night at her house and when I came back he seemed sorry and remorseful. I had no feelings (I still have not regained them) I am actually really depressed now even though he's trying. He doesn't want me to leave and he said one last try. I booked a hotel to help me think things thru. I guess I am lost right now. I want to leave but he is my best friend, my other half and I hurt him so much in the beginning and throughout by liking other guys so I feel as though its my fault hes so angry. I don't know if I ever actually let him be himself with me because I hurt him and treated him second best. People say leave because of the physical and emotional violence but I feel guilty for leaving because he has given me so many chances and I screwed them all up. I know its not a healthy relationship and I should leave, but my other side of the brain is saying its because we haven't given it 100%. Please help.
Me and my boyfriend met in high school. I never had those butterfly feelings with him in the beginning. I hesitated to say yes to dating him. We actually disliked each other when we met. He is disabled and I'm not sure but I think I felt bad so I said yes. This was the first guy ever to ask me out. He said I love you in two weeks which I thought was super fast. 2 months later I hung out with this guy I really really liked and kissed him. I broke off with my boyfriend for 2 weeks but then I missed him and got back together. Ever since then he has been getting angry but I grew to love him. We had good times but a lot of bad times too. Months later I had enough of his BS and when he was out of town I met up with my male friend and I ended up stripping for him feeling very angry at my boyfriend for how he kept treating me. He was very emotionally and verbally abusive. So that also broke our relationship more. It's been 10 years and I always feel like I'm seeking someone else, like the grass is always greener on the other side. He has also had some abusive moments like choking me and such. 3 weeks ago I went on a "date" as he says with a coworker of mine. He paid to take me out to a concert and bought me beer. Nothing happened that night but my boyfriend has trust issues cause I guess I am s***. I guess that was wrong but this guy was treating me sooo good. Me and my boyfriend do also have happy moments too and he loves me with all his heart. The problem is he gets super angry. The other night we had sex and he asked me after what I fantasized about and I told him nothing. He kept prodding me and I admitted it was to the other guy who I really like and he treats me nice. He got really pissed and it was a big fight. The next day I was at work and he kept saying how he will kill himself and he kept going on all day like that, that if I leave him he will kill himself and acted like he had 2 personalities and threatened our kitties. I know he wouldn't do anything but that is still screwed up. So one day goes by and I act like nothing has happened and things are back to normal. The next day I go through the facebook messages all the way back to 2013 and notice a pattern of fights. I bring it up to him and he gets super angry that I'm starting shit again and won't leave the past in the past. He takes my laptop and says since I want to break up so bad with him he will delete all my photos and locks himself in my room. I change my password and remotely restart my laptop while he's on it so he can't get on. He gets even angrier. It goes down like this...he slapped me twice, kicked me, choked me, pushed my head into the laptop and onto the floor, and threatened me with a hammer. After some time I was able to leave and run out of my apartment where my friend picked me up. I spent the night at her house and when I came back he seemed sorry and remorseful. I had no feelings (I still have not regained them) I am actually really depressed now even though he's trying. He doesn't want me to leave and he said one last try. I booked a hotel to help me think things thru. I guess I am lost right now. I want to leave but he is my best friend, my other half and I hurt him so much in the beginning and throughout by liking other guys so I feel as though its my fault hes so angry. I don't know if I ever actually let him be himself with me because I hurt him and treated him second best. People say leave because of the physical and emotional violence but I feel guilty for leaving because he has given me so many chances and I screwed them all up. I know its not a healthy relationship and I should leave, but my other side of the brain is saying its because we haven't given it 100%. Please help.
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