No sexual attraction to long-term partner

[noname]

I have been in a long term relationship for about 7 years now. We met when I was very young, with no previous experience (sexually or in relationships in general). We have lived together for about 2 years now and overall we get along great. We love each other and I deeply care for him. He is very compassionate and caring and he definitely feels physically attracted to me. However, I do not feel the same way when it comes to attraction. I have never felt 100% relaxed when being with him intimately. It has been like that from the very beginning but I am only truly realizing it now. There seems to be something blocking me from connecting with him in that way. I have never been molested or harassed, so there have not been any negative experienced with sex causing me to feel this way. I am afraid I might never find that spark with him. It is a difficult situation because I do have feelings for him. We are both in our 20s and would love to have children one day. He matches me on every level but this one. So long story short, I am at a crossroad - should I not pay too much attention to the fact that I do not feel sexually attracted to him and just enjoy the other good aspects of our relationship or should I consider leaving him? I feel very superficial and stupid when thinking about ending a relationship just because of lack of chemistry .. but at the same time I know its important.

Can our relationship survive without the spark or chemistry?

[Nate]

I won't advice you end your relationship for something that's fixable as this. All you need to do is communicate with him about your sexual fantasies. Tell him those things you fantasize about sexually and how you like to be touched.

Good communication about your sex life with your partner will change everything for the better.

[noname]

Thanks for sharing your opinion! I understand your point completely and I agree. Good communication is key! However, we have talked about it, so it isn't something I have never tried discussing with him. The problem is that I have almost no desire to be with him sexually. It is not that our sexual preferences are different and he refuses to try things I like .. here the issue is that I do not feel attracted to him in that way. I deeply love him and care for him but I just cannot relax and enjoy the intimacy. I feel bad admitting this but it almost feels as if I am about to have sex with one of my closest friends and I don't believe this is a normal feeling to have. The big question is - knowing that this issue might never go away .. can I continue this relationship while focusing on the other good aspects of it instead?

[Jane]

Is sexual chemistry missing from your relationship? If you are always longing for something you don't have, don't beat yourself up. Wanting this connection is both natural and normal.

1. Chemistry bypasses the brain. It is not about what you think but what you feel.

• Ahhh chemistry.....You can't think your way to chemistry.
• No matter how much money he has (BIG SMILE), without chemistry, you will always feel the lack.
• Chemistry is simply the first step in the process of getting to know another person. It is a signal that says, "This is worth another look".

2. Chemistry is effortless - "Trying" is hard work.

• "Trying" to feel chemistry is impossible - either it is there or it is not.
• We are hard-wired for chemistry. It is in our genetic coding and we need to pay attention.

3. Its absence will always leave you feeling empty and wanting.

• Have you ever wondered how you know you are not "in love", even when you admit to never having been in love? How do you know what love is, what it feels like - never having had it?
• Love is our true nature, our home base. We know what that feels like the same way we know what chemistry feels like. If only for the moment, the connection makes us feel complete.

4. Chemistry makes you soft, forgiving.

• Without chemistry, how can you make-up, how can you forgive and feel soft?
• Life has it challenges and regardless of how connected you are with your partner, we all have moments when we can't stand the other person. Chemistry is force that re-connects us - that makes us want to re-connect

5. It is the glue that holds it all together.

• Chemistry is about feeling right rather than being right.
• Chemistry is joyful and creates a bond that connects.

[noname]

Thank you Jane! Well explained. It is difficult when you so strongly love someone yet the physical connection is just not there. Should love be stronger and win over everything else? Or is it all lost when intimately you are not compatible?