I'm ruining my relationship, please help. (New here)

[JMTAYLOR88]

I've never written one of these so I apologize if I'm doing it wrong. I've been with the woman I love for the past 3 going on 4 years. Shes a saint for having done everything she has for me. I'll give the cliff notes. We were friends in high school, ended up reconnecting in our adult lives. We hit it off immediately, and everything was great. When I first met her again I had struggled with severe substance abuse issues for most of my life, and had just become sober. I had a jalopy for a car, driving illegally with no license, and shortly after lost my job. This saint of a woman helped me get my license back, put up with my emotional rollercoaster from recovery, and even supported me enough to get me back into my union job. I love her and appreciate her more than I could ever show. So what do I do? I become addicted to pornography. We never have sex, it hurts her greatly, and i always go back to it. I either hid it for years or up until recently stopped masturbating to it, but was still in total denial that looking at pictures was just as bad. She now says she doesnt want to marry me anymore because she doesnt trust me. And everytime I said I'm going to change, I just fall back into old patterns. I love her to death and dont want to lose her over my shitty personality. I'm going to a new therapist tomorrow and I AM going to stick with it this time around. But I just want to be able to show her I mean It and care. I dont want her to have thrown in the towel on me. I really do want to change. I've always thought I was a decent person, but I'm starting to second guess that now. I've let her down so many times and I'm never doing anything romantic for the person that's given everything for me. How can I prove to her that shes my world, and i am ready to change? I want to be a better me, i hate myself and have for years. Please help.

[starlight]

I think going to a therapist consistently will help, because if you can't be there for yourself you can't for someone else. You need to be able to have the confidence in yourself to change before anything else.
Also, why do you never have sex? A lot of times the person that we're in a relationship with has a different way of expressing or needing love than we do. Some people prefer physical affection, some prefer compliments, some prefer gifts, etc and if you are committed to making the relationship work you need to be willing to put in a little work to notice what your person wants and expressing your love for them in the way they understand.
Everyone in the whole world has issues and everyone is damaged in some way and you're not worse than other people, you're just letting yourself be dragged down by the bad things. Let her know all those things you've said here, about wanting to change and wanting to do better and most importantly let her know you're willing to pay attention to her needs and that you want to know what you can do to improve.

[JMTAYLOR88]

Thank you for responding. I will go to the therapist consistently. My fear is that I'm too late. Shes been let down by me many times now, and shes had so many conversations with me about me not giving her what she needs in the relationship. I do the dumbest things in my way of showing her I love her and care about her. But it usually just seems like I'm trying to be her butler and please her by just getting her things and constantly asking what I can do for her. I'm spineless, and I cant just speak up and do what I know it right. I want to have sex, shes beyond beautiful. In my opinion shes well out of my league. But I'm gutless in the bedroom. I've lost all my drive and I don't know why. And now I'm sleeping on the couch and have let her down for what seems like the last time. She wont believe a single word I say anymore. I'm like the boy who cries wolf, and I don't really blame her for doubting I can change. I certainly haven't showed her different.

[starlight]

Maybe it would help if you explained to her how you're showing that you love her, if you do so by getting things and doing things for her. She doesn't seem to understand that that's why you do those things.
You really need to have your mental health taken care of, and figure out why you can't take action or have motivation. Those are often symptoms of depression, and it's worth discussing with your therapist.
If she loves you and wants to make things work, she will understand when you explain to her that you aren't feeling well and that you're working to get help. You're doing everything you can at this point, and like I said find out more from her about things she wants in a relationship. It's all about give and take.

[JMTAYLOR88]

Thank you again so much. I'm going to attempt to turn a new permanent leaf tomorrow after this therapy session. I just love her so much and want her to know I mean it.

[starlight]

You can do this!! Let your love for her motivate your actions but don't forget to focus on yourself. <3

[anonymouslysad]

You really need to show her that you are going to change. Actions definitely speak louder than words, tell her what you're going to do to change, but then really show her. Prove to her that you want nothing else but her, make her feel like you really are going to change this time around. And if she does give you another chance, never let it go and constantly remind yourself of how great of a woman she is and how you would hate to lose her. If she means this much to you, you have to be willing to do anything for her love. Just don't lose yourself in the process, make her happy, but make sure you aren't unhappy in the process. This seems similar to my relationship problems, and even though things are not great right now, I have faith that he will change and can become the man that I want to be loved by. I'm sure she sees so much potential in you, she's just hurt and you can either try to fix it or say you're going to fix it and then hurt her all over again. From a girl who is going through a similar situation as your girlfriend and has been hurt many times but is still willing to give it another chance, please give her everything you think she deserves and more. Love her with everything you have, because if you really do lose her, you're going to hate yourself for it forever. Just love her, please.

[smackie9]

You need to tell her about your vulnerable state. The hiding and lying will only exacerbate the situation. She has to know everything. Don't just go to a therapist, you both go to Al-anon or AA meetings. This is where she needs help because she lives with a partner that has addiction issues: she can get a better understanding on how this is effecting her and how to deal with the issues.