Tweet
Sorry ahead a time for wall of text. Haha
So I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years. We live 1000 miles away from each other, we had met through a game online.
He has some self esteem issues/self worth issues, as do I. We have always stood by each other during those moments.
Recently though, all the teasing he does, that before I either dealt with or kinda enjoyed, depending on the topic, has really started to annoy me. Mainly because the topics are always the same thing, some of those topics are ones I never really liked, and said come on now, but he still teases about it. So I've been getting really annoyed very easily and have been enjoying some time away from him more and more. But at the same time miss him, since we are so close/always talking. Probably just being overly clingy/needy on my part, to be honest.
So I'm worried about me being so annoyed lately.
Also, some of his teasing/jokes are things I am very sensitive about. They are things I've told him about before, but he probably forget and makes jokes about these things, which makes me sad/adds to my sadness.
He also has little to no respect for my mom. Calls her b*tch often. Probably my fault for telling him some things she said in the past that were really hurtful and how she gets sometimes, and I told him these things before he got to know her so yeah. Now, never to her face/when she can hear does he call her that, though he does "tease" when he knows she could. Now, I've told him he needs to stop. I don't care if he doesn't like my mom and tells me so, but there is no reason to call her names, and especially when she hasn't even done anything remotely close to justify calling her that. (she does of her moments, but don't we all?) Even sings that South Park "kenny's mom is a ...", but instead replaces kenny's name with mine.
He also has some anger issues. Nothing major like I've dealt with before. He gets angry or frustrated with a game he is playing, starts cursing like crazy. So I just stay silent to let him cool down, since I know trying to calm him down other wise would be futile. (we will get back to this in a moment)
He seems to have some trouble with jobs. He was working a lower paying job when I met him. He had been let go from his previous one and was jobless for a few months between then and the new job. Well over this summer he lost that one as well. He is in the process of getting officially hired somewhere now finally.
My issue with all this, is not the job loss itself, but he seems to have no ambition to move up or find better jobs. He seems content with these jobs he gets and doesn't bother looking for better, more career type jobs. Of course, if he moved here I could understand, but they could still help him find a transfer or new job here.
But then there is his good qualities. He is really kind, big hearted, hates seeing the little guy being hurt. Loves animals, and cannot watch those commercials of them hurt, or any videos or he starts to feel really sad. Super sensitive guy. Which for me was a nice change, since I'm not around men like that, nor was my ex like that.
He is very attentive as in, since we can't actually physically being so far apart, and says he'd bring me whatever I need or want when I am not feeling well or feeling sad. Or give massages if he was here.
He says I am his "everything" which is nice and also scary at times. He has a few friends, but he rarely talks to them. I am similar but that is mainly cause mine have all moved on and we no longer talk and I have a hard time making new ones cause I'm so stinking shy. So he doesn't really talk to anyone BUT me and his parents/sister. He sees us getting married in the future and being together forever. I can too, but at the same time, I can see the troubles. (will explain a little farther down)
We have talked about it, and he agreed to be the one to move whenever that time comes. Mainly being, he loves the cold weather, and he lives somewhere where it is hotter 98% of the time over where I am. And I actually get snow, which he loves. And I wouldn't want to move where he is, because I hate the hot weather, and two, I am unwilling to leave my family/relatives. He had no issues with not being close to his.
He started to grow his hair out, since that is one of my biggest "turn ons" in a man. Long dark hair. A lot of time he says he gets urges to cut it, but he is keeping it long for me until we can meet in person for sure. Maybe longer if he can deal with it.
So I feel really guilty for not being happier and feeling annoyed.
Plus, I am currently having my own issues with finding a job. But I know I will not be content with a low paying job. I am trying to get a good, solid, office job dealing with clerical or filing.
So I have some fears/anxiety about our future together. I don't care if we can't afford some luxuries. I just don't want to be struggling constantly to live a decent life.
Plus, how long are we going to be dating before he finally makes a move here?? another 5 years? That would put us at 8 years together, and honestly, I don't know if I can handle the distance for that long. I am already having trouble at barely 3 years.
And, we haven't ever met in person yet. He had told me he wanted to visit first. But because of his low paying job and some bills/his car, he couldn't yet. Now we were planning something this coming spring, for a cousins wedding. Best way for him to meet my family which is a huge part of my life. And now he is back into debt, and he probably won't be able to make it.
I know that is out of our control now, but at the same time, I still feel so SAD about it. My ex before my BF had given me excuse after excuse of never visiting. Even promised 2 different times, and broke those promises twice. So I have some underlining issues with this type of situation.
-------
^ background info
So I am letting a lot of anxiety/worries get the better of me atm. Some of my own problems, and some with how things look for us as a couple.
Now these past few days I was in a really bad funk. First two days he knew something was wrong, but I have issues with voicing my thoughts to a significant other and he knows this. But I was still happy for the most part in our calls/skypes. Then yesterday it was pretty bad. Nothing he did was helping my mood. Not even him sending lots of "love" emotes and stickers. So he was getting fed up and told me I need to talk to him, now. Which I started to do, but couldn't explain everything. He accepted that and then asked after a few minutes, how I was feeling.
Ummm, still like crap? I don't know, but I don't think a few minutes after speaking about some of the issues is going to magically make my mood rise.
And that is when he started to get angry. He was fed up no matter what he did would lift my spirits. I was being too negative for him and he was getting upset. So he stopped talking for an hour or so.
Came back and asked how I was. Nothing had changed, was still feeling like crap. So he said probably no call right? I said yeah, since Im still not overly happy and you don't want to be around my negativity.
So he said he was going to go to bed. And said just goodnight. He never, NEVER says just goodnight. So I knew he was really before mad. So I did a sad face and said goodnight back.
A few minutes later he asked why the sad face. I explain that he was being very..."cold" as I explained it. To me his replies had turned very cold, distant, no love there. That is how it felt.
He explained it was because it was hard NOT TO BE when Im constantly negative and nothing he was doing was helping. He said goodnight once more and that was it for the night.
Went to bed crying and feeling worse than I had earlier.
Woke up and he said good morning, I didn't reply yet and shortly after he asked if I was still out of it. So I said, well yeah, after you being so cold to me last night.
He said for that he was sorry. And again explained why. Saying hard to stay positive when day in and out nothing he did worked.
So I explained I was ok for the most part until that day, so that was crap. I was still pretty positive before that day.
So I told him, just because nothing is working, doesn't mean you can treat me like crap because you got fed up. I was in a depressed/anxious state. You don't just give in and act out at me. That will help NOTHING except help fuel some anger instead.
He said he wasn't saying it was right, but with me being so upset/sad/in pain it was frustrating for him to not being able to do more.
He hit a limit and got upset. Just like he does with his video games or bugs in them. He gets angry and upset when he "fails" or so many attempts and nothing works. Plus he finally told me he had some bad news with his bank and being in the negative now. So that didn't help him.
I knew nothing about it until that moment.
So he apologized, thought it wasn't his normal type of reply. I can tell slight differences, and he still wasn't being, his normal loving self.
But I apologized as well, since I hadn't known about his bank problem and with me being like that didn't help any.
So he asked, so we are both sorry and we both forgive?
Whiiiich just made me angry. Since yeah, I was in a pretty bad funk, but why should I have to be forgiven/sorry for that?! He must have taken my sorry wrong or didnt pay attention to what I said with it.
So I told him I wanted to be left alone and we haven't spoken since.
I know I am part of the problem, with my fears and issues. But I just don't want to be disappointed over and over again. I went through it once already, and I don't want that stress again. I am trying to work through them, but having trouble still.
And now I don't know what to do.
I'm angry and upset, plus still anxious about the future with him. But now, add in the issue of if he get's mad at me will he be so cold again?? We've fought a few times, but I never felt he stopped loving me in those moments. Not like I did in this time. I truly felt like he was very detached and unloving. And it really really hurt.
I don't know if I should just save myself the future heartache/stress and cut ties now, or try to work things through and hope the future isn't as bad as I am fearing....
So I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years. We live 1000 miles away from each other, we had met through a game online.
He has some self esteem issues/self worth issues, as do I. We have always stood by each other during those moments.
Recently though, all the teasing he does, that before I either dealt with or kinda enjoyed, depending on the topic, has really started to annoy me. Mainly because the topics are always the same thing, some of those topics are ones I never really liked, and said come on now, but he still teases about it. So I've been getting really annoyed very easily and have been enjoying some time away from him more and more. But at the same time miss him, since we are so close/always talking. Probably just being overly clingy/needy on my part, to be honest.
So I'm worried about me being so annoyed lately.
Also, some of his teasing/jokes are things I am very sensitive about. They are things I've told him about before, but he probably forget and makes jokes about these things, which makes me sad/adds to my sadness.
He also has little to no respect for my mom. Calls her b*tch often. Probably my fault for telling him some things she said in the past that were really hurtful and how she gets sometimes, and I told him these things before he got to know her so yeah. Now, never to her face/when she can hear does he call her that, though he does "tease" when he knows she could. Now, I've told him he needs to stop. I don't care if he doesn't like my mom and tells me so, but there is no reason to call her names, and especially when she hasn't even done anything remotely close to justify calling her that. (she does of her moments, but don't we all?) Even sings that South Park "kenny's mom is a ...", but instead replaces kenny's name with mine.
He also has some anger issues. Nothing major like I've dealt with before. He gets angry or frustrated with a game he is playing, starts cursing like crazy. So I just stay silent to let him cool down, since I know trying to calm him down other wise would be futile. (we will get back to this in a moment)
He seems to have some trouble with jobs. He was working a lower paying job when I met him. He had been let go from his previous one and was jobless for a few months between then and the new job. Well over this summer he lost that one as well. He is in the process of getting officially hired somewhere now finally.
My issue with all this, is not the job loss itself, but he seems to have no ambition to move up or find better jobs. He seems content with these jobs he gets and doesn't bother looking for better, more career type jobs. Of course, if he moved here I could understand, but they could still help him find a transfer or new job here.
But then there is his good qualities. He is really kind, big hearted, hates seeing the little guy being hurt. Loves animals, and cannot watch those commercials of them hurt, or any videos or he starts to feel really sad. Super sensitive guy. Which for me was a nice change, since I'm not around men like that, nor was my ex like that.
He is very attentive as in, since we can't actually physically being so far apart, and says he'd bring me whatever I need or want when I am not feeling well or feeling sad. Or give massages if he was here.
He says I am his "everything" which is nice and also scary at times. He has a few friends, but he rarely talks to them. I am similar but that is mainly cause mine have all moved on and we no longer talk and I have a hard time making new ones cause I'm so stinking shy. So he doesn't really talk to anyone BUT me and his parents/sister. He sees us getting married in the future and being together forever. I can too, but at the same time, I can see the troubles. (will explain a little farther down)
We have talked about it, and he agreed to be the one to move whenever that time comes. Mainly being, he loves the cold weather, and he lives somewhere where it is hotter 98% of the time over where I am. And I actually get snow, which he loves. And I wouldn't want to move where he is, because I hate the hot weather, and two, I am unwilling to leave my family/relatives. He had no issues with not being close to his.
He started to grow his hair out, since that is one of my biggest "turn ons" in a man. Long dark hair. A lot of time he says he gets urges to cut it, but he is keeping it long for me until we can meet in person for sure. Maybe longer if he can deal with it.
So I feel really guilty for not being happier and feeling annoyed.
Plus, I am currently having my own issues with finding a job. But I know I will not be content with a low paying job. I am trying to get a good, solid, office job dealing with clerical or filing.
So I have some fears/anxiety about our future together. I don't care if we can't afford some luxuries. I just don't want to be struggling constantly to live a decent life.
Plus, how long are we going to be dating before he finally makes a move here?? another 5 years? That would put us at 8 years together, and honestly, I don't know if I can handle the distance for that long. I am already having trouble at barely 3 years.
And, we haven't ever met in person yet. He had told me he wanted to visit first. But because of his low paying job and some bills/his car, he couldn't yet. Now we were planning something this coming spring, for a cousins wedding. Best way for him to meet my family which is a huge part of my life. And now he is back into debt, and he probably won't be able to make it.
I know that is out of our control now, but at the same time, I still feel so SAD about it. My ex before my BF had given me excuse after excuse of never visiting. Even promised 2 different times, and broke those promises twice. So I have some underlining issues with this type of situation.
-------
^ background info
So I am letting a lot of anxiety/worries get the better of me atm. Some of my own problems, and some with how things look for us as a couple.
Now these past few days I was in a really bad funk. First two days he knew something was wrong, but I have issues with voicing my thoughts to a significant other and he knows this. But I was still happy for the most part in our calls/skypes. Then yesterday it was pretty bad. Nothing he did was helping my mood. Not even him sending lots of "love" emotes and stickers. So he was getting fed up and told me I need to talk to him, now. Which I started to do, but couldn't explain everything. He accepted that and then asked after a few minutes, how I was feeling.
Ummm, still like crap? I don't know, but I don't think a few minutes after speaking about some of the issues is going to magically make my mood rise.
And that is when he started to get angry. He was fed up no matter what he did would lift my spirits. I was being too negative for him and he was getting upset. So he stopped talking for an hour or so.
Came back and asked how I was. Nothing had changed, was still feeling like crap. So he said probably no call right? I said yeah, since Im still not overly happy and you don't want to be around my negativity.
So he said he was going to go to bed. And said just goodnight. He never, NEVER says just goodnight. So I knew he was really before mad. So I did a sad face and said goodnight back.
A few minutes later he asked why the sad face. I explain that he was being very..."cold" as I explained it. To me his replies had turned very cold, distant, no love there. That is how it felt.
He explained it was because it was hard NOT TO BE when Im constantly negative and nothing he was doing was helping. He said goodnight once more and that was it for the night.
Went to bed crying and feeling worse than I had earlier.
Woke up and he said good morning, I didn't reply yet and shortly after he asked if I was still out of it. So I said, well yeah, after you being so cold to me last night.
He said for that he was sorry. And again explained why. Saying hard to stay positive when day in and out nothing he did worked.
So I explained I was ok for the most part until that day, so that was crap. I was still pretty positive before that day.
So I told him, just because nothing is working, doesn't mean you can treat me like crap because you got fed up. I was in a depressed/anxious state. You don't just give in and act out at me. That will help NOTHING except help fuel some anger instead.
He said he wasn't saying it was right, but with me being so upset/sad/in pain it was frustrating for him to not being able to do more.
He hit a limit and got upset. Just like he does with his video games or bugs in them. He gets angry and upset when he "fails" or so many attempts and nothing works. Plus he finally told me he had some bad news with his bank and being in the negative now. So that didn't help him.
I knew nothing about it until that moment.
So he apologized, thought it wasn't his normal type of reply. I can tell slight differences, and he still wasn't being, his normal loving self.
But I apologized as well, since I hadn't known about his bank problem and with me being like that didn't help any.
So he asked, so we are both sorry and we both forgive?
Whiiiich just made me angry. Since yeah, I was in a pretty bad funk, but why should I have to be forgiven/sorry for that?! He must have taken my sorry wrong or didnt pay attention to what I said with it.
So I told him I wanted to be left alone and we haven't spoken since.
I know I am part of the problem, with my fears and issues. But I just don't want to be disappointed over and over again. I went through it once already, and I don't want that stress again. I am trying to work through them, but having trouble still.
And now I don't know what to do.
I'm angry and upset, plus still anxious about the future with him. But now, add in the issue of if he get's mad at me will he be so cold again?? We've fought a few times, but I never felt he stopped loving me in those moments. Not like I did in this time. I truly felt like he was very detached and unloving. And it really really hurt.
I don't know if I should just save myself the future heartache/stress and cut ties now, or try to work things through and hope the future isn't as bad as I am fearing....
Comment