How to overcome a sex-less long term relationship?

[pabloestoyaqui]

Hello everyone,

talking about this isn't as simple as it could be. I feel a mix of different emotions which go through frustration, anger, sadness and guilt.

I'm about to celeberate a year of relationship with my girlfriend, I'm seven year older than her.

When we met we spent great time together, two months of no problem and complicity.

Then we were overwhelmed from our busy schedules, and from the fact that none of us lives alone so we never have no free house.

The result is that since almost a year we don't go after a mouth kiss.

We had a talk about this several months ago and I tried in every manner to have free house or to arrange events where we could have been alone.

It happens that sometimes my parents aren't at home, and I try to invite her for a dinner or for lunch. Many times I feel rejected due to our busy schedules, and this is ok.

Few days ago she came at home for dinner, I tried to arouse her but we kept watching the movie seriously.

I feel guilty because I love her and being intimate with her is not the only reason of our relation, but this issue makes me a bit selfish and she doesn't deserve it.

I often feel jealous if when her parents are off she doesn't invite me but she calls a female friend of her to stay for the night.

I often think about betrayal , I know she isn't the person for this, but sometimes I can't explain this behaviour.

We are both in our 20s and we both had previous experiences.

It happens that sometimes I feel like meeting new girls, being flirty with other girls, and I feel guilty because I love her.

But this mix of frustration and anger for my jealousy is ruining everything, because I sometimes feel in a bad mood and I go to bed thinking about this.

It's a mix of questions regarding what I'm doing wrong, if she still likes me..

I would like to talk her about all this but I feel that these kind of situations are spontaneous, making her feel pressed isn't the solution in my opinion.

What should I do? I don't want to break everything, but feeling frustrated leads to many arguments for futiles reasons.

[Bradwin]

Sex is vital in every romantic relationship because it helps couples to stay connected with each other emotionally and physically. But what if sex leaves the bedroom or if couples rarely or have no sexual activities at all anymore? A sexless relationship is defined as a relationship where couples have little or no sexual activities with each other. A couple with less than 10 sexual intercourse in a year can also be considered in a sexless relationship. The absence of sexual intimacy in a relationship is not always bad, if both spouses honesty feel that they are satisfied and happy in their relationship even without an active sex life, then a sexless relationship is okay and works for them. But if the lack of physical intimacy in a relationship is not okay and makes a spouse feel unloved and unhappy, it is best to fix a sexless relationship as early as possible before it could lead to other marital problems.

At the beginning of relationship, couples usually cannot take their hands off each other and have sex as frequent as they can but sadly, couples in a long-term relationship like relationship tend to have less and less sex through the years. The frequent times a week becomes once a month and the once a month becomes twice or thrice a year to nothing at all. Believe it or not, there are married couples who no longer have sex with each other, not even once in a year. They get too familiar with each other, too stressed, too busy, too preoccupied with marital responsibilities, not in the mood, neglected, hurt, etc. and the list of excuses goes on and physical intimacy begins to fade, they become just roommates instead of lovers. To fix a sexless relationship, couples should do something to keep the sex going in the relationship. The following ways can be very useful to fix a sexless relationship.

Address the problem as early as possible. There are reports saying that it is best for couples to have regular sex at least once a week to keep the intimacy and connection with each other. If you and your spouse haven't had sex for a couple of months now, you have to ask questions and seek help as soon as possible so that months don't become years. Sexual inactivity or sexual deprivation could result to other negative feelings and behaviors like detachment, depression, anger, anxiety, frustration, feeling of rejection, etc. Couples may also become susceptible to extra-marital affairs, thinking that if they cannot get if from their spouse, they should get it somewhere else. The longer it takes for you and your spouse to address the problem, the harder and more challenging it would be to fix a sexless relationship.

Help each other to get back on track and get into the mood for sex again. It takes effort and team work to fix a sexless relationship. Couples should help each other if they want to bring back the physical intimacy and passion in their relationship. Be open and honest with each other and talk about sex in your relationship, how it becomes dry through the years and what both of you can do to zest up your sex life and become sexually active again. Break the routine and do something new. Send the kids to grandma and grandpa or have a nanny takes care of them so that you and your spouse can enjoy alone time with each other without thinking about the children. Turn the phone off and get rid of possible distractions. Take a vacation, a trip together or a relationship retreat. Watch and read erotic movies or stories together. Talk about each other's sexual fantasies or desires. If you can't work things out on your own, it is best to seek professional help, counseling or therapies.

Include sex in your plans and schedule. It may sound like a task or a job but think of it as something that you need to accomplish on a regular basis to keep the intimacy and passion in your relationship. If sex is included in your plans and schedule, you are committed and you'll make time for it and you'll make sure you're prepared for it. If you want to fix a sexless relationship and if you want a relationship with a healthy sex life, you have to commit to make it happen. It as an important task to keep your relationship and your sex life healthy. Couples who regularly have sex tend to feel more intimate and closer with each other. Regular sex is good not only to your relationship but also to your physical and mental health.

Be sweet, make a request instead of complaining. If you feel that you've been turned down many times, it is best not to complain but make a sweet request. Complaining makes the problem even worse. Who would want to have sex with someone who complains a lot? It is better to be more positive and choose to interpret his or her lack of enthusiasm to have sex in a kindest possible way and do not choose the ugliest reasons or interpretations. Being too negative will not fix a sexless relationship. A sweet request to your spouse could melt his or her heart and has a better chance of success than complaining that you haven't had sex lately. Be romantic and choose the best time that your spouse is in good mood. If you cannot make a request verbally, write a letter to your spouse to express your love and your desires to passionately share the bed with him or her.

Examine and analyze yourself. If you feel that you are in a sexless relationship due to your lack of sex drive or interest towards sex and you want to fix a sexless relationship, analyze why you don't want sex anymore or why you don't enjoy it anymore. There must be a reason behind it. There could be a psychological and physical side on it. It could be a physical condition that needs to be checked by a doctor or it could be an emotional thing or a negative feeling that needs to be addressed.

Be realistic and look past that weight or shape issues. Women could gain weight through the years due to child-bearing or other reasons and men could acquire beer belly but couples should be realistic that most people change in shapes and sizes through the years and these should not prevent couples from enjoying a healthy and active sex life. Make your spouse feel that she or he is still attractive and lovable in whatever size and shape he or she is in. However, if shapes and sizes are such big things to you and you want to see your spouse in a good shape, deal with it in a positive way. Do physically challenging things together like sports or go to the gym together to be healthy and fit but do not allow the weight issues ruin your sex life.

Have a regular date night. If you want to fix a sexless relationship, start outside the bedroom. Couples should remain in love and romantic even outside the bedroom. If you keep dating and the romance is still alive, getting back on track and reigniting your sex life could be less challenging. The common mistake couples commit is that they stopped dating once they've said their "I do's." It is best for couples to make time for regular dates. Couples are not only providers, not only parents but they are also lovers. Do not allow the responsibilities of married life take away the romance in your relationship. Date a lot because chances are, after a romantic date, you'll end up in bed sharing intimate moments with each other.

[Sofia]

Today, I confess I was once a ladies man. That's right; I was a Casanova of note in my heydays. I have been involved in many "casual relationships" - from Zodwa, the love of my life - greater for being unfulfilled, to Busi, the terrible kisser, to Nompilo who earned her stripes as the first woman to infect me with a sexually transmitted disease and, to Thule - perhaps my original yellow-bone, a village beauty, and snazzy dresser who died prematurely.

Out of all my "casual relationships" only one stands out. I had something special with my close friend turned lover named Cebisile (the one who helps with a good plan). In the modern parlance, my relationship with Cebisile could be described as "friends with benefits." Cebisile and I knew that we were in a "casual relationship." I was free to date other women. I guess, she too if she wanted was free to date someone else. But, she chose me, warts and all.

Psychologists have long warned that true love and commitment are a rare find. They insist that a lot of times romantic relationships are not based on love at all but are casual and sexual in nature. I know many a girl who would scoff at the idea of a "casual relationship" that they would rather choose to live with the delusional white lie that their relationship is a more formal romantic relationship. Cebisile and I had no delusions of grandeur.

Cebisile was short, fair in complexion and always full of beans. It was this natural cheerfulness that drew me closer to her. She was a charmer extraordinaire. Cebisile's presence in my life did wonders to my ego to no end. Yet, she wasn't my ideal girlfriend as I preferred them tall, slender and yellow-boned. But, Cebisile was cut from a different cloth; she had that "thing." To borrow from the Songs of Solomon, Cebisile had dove's eyes, teeth like a flock of shorn sheep, and her lips were like a strand of scarlet. I wouldn't necessary say I was head over heels for Cebisile. Nonetheless, we had a good show except that we never had sex.

Yes, you read that right. No sex - full stop. A Casanova was once involved in a sex-less casual relationship. It wasn't a about hormonal issues - menopause or childbirth that are often blamed whenever a woman loses her libido. Cebisile's libido was in full throttle. As for me, it wasn't that I suddenly had a lower than normal testosterone levels. I was as red-hot blooded like all other philanders. Truth is we made a vow of sexually abstinence. And, this had nothing to do with religious reasons. In fact, I had no idea why would a woman in her twenties say no to sex but yes to a relationship with a famous womaniser.

Although, I was puzzled by her no-sex stance, I played along largely because I valued my friendship with her. I must admit, I wanted more.

I will be telling a lie if I say I was looking forward to Cebisile's first sleepover at my humble abode. Oh Boy! I should have. Cebisile gave me free lessons in sexual pleasure devoid of penetration. After our first carnal encounter, I almost fell in love with her. In all my casual relationships, the one I had with Cebisile was second to none for that year.

We spent a lot of quality time together with Cebisile until we lost contact. The last time I saw her late in 1998, she was still gentle but frail. We exchanged telephone numbers again and agreed to meet to rekindle the old flames of our "love" affair. We never did.

I only learned about the untimely death of Cebisile in the mid-2000. I was going through my old diaries when I chanced upon her Telkom telephone number. I dialled the number and voice on the end of the line said, "Let me call an adult." I knew something big had happened to my dearest Cebisile. The elder squandered no time. She simple announced that Cebisile was late and was buried last year (1999). But why am I telling you this story? Wait. I learned later from other family members that Cebisile had died as a result of AIDS-defining clinical conditions.

Cebisile was for the lack of better phrase my soul mate. I am grateful to her for protecting me and loving me completely to the detriment of her own happiness. Cebisile put her whole being to the service of those like me who were at the time ignorant about the virulent HIV/Aids epidemic. In the mid-nineties, some of us knew very little about various forms of protecting oneself against HIV. The use of condoms was intermittent. And, there were no anti-retroviral drugs to halt the spread of the disease once infected. The only method that truly worked was sexual abstinence. To this day, I salute Cebisile for loving me truly enough to want me to live a HIV/Aids free life. May her sweet and gentle soul rest in peace!